Friday, March 24, 2023




* David Foster Wallace: is this a book signing or are you my doctor? today is when the cherry blossoms bloom in Washington D.C. AND Tokyo at the same second, right? today is the peak bloom day, that's why i'm wearing THIS bandana.

* Fosters Freeze: should have been named after David Foster Wallace but instead named after a frozen rope caused by a fister.

* Chevelle: hey Depeche Mode, ask us about being a twosome...

* Macy's: Life as the Main Character, it's more like Life in the Bjork "It's Oh So Quiet" Music Video.

* Chipotle: Chicken Al Pastor, the ONLY good thing with pineapple.

* Tony Hawk: Rinvoq is another name for turmeric. 

* Safelite Auto Glass.
driving instructor: SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!! who do you think you are?!!! Bill Murray's unknown brother?!!!
John Murray: ...
John Murray: believe it or not in real life i get nervous. i'm a nervous wreck, a nervous nellie. i'm afraid i'm gonna cause a wreck, we're gonna crash each time i caress a wheel. why do you look like that David Foster Wallace fan? 

* Jonathan Majors: not a Carl's Jr. commercial...
Jonathan Majors: join the army. like Patton said, no one actually dies for their country...

* the new Skins Vaporwave Taco Bell commercials: as sung by Eartha Kitt...

* Wendy's: we FINALLY got the babe's name!!! in the commercial's world that is. Katherine!!! or Catherine.

* Chris Paul: so are you actually a basketball player?
Boban Marjanovic: no, i'm an actor obviously.
Chris Paul: yeah that's what i thought, you are a GOOD ACTOR, i was CONVINCED you knew how to play basketball, you were a baller, a hooper.
Boban: i do. i am.

* Charles Barkley: it's March.
Kenny: cos of all the March Madness mascots?
Charles Barkley: no, cos this time of year i start sneezing like a motherfucker, i have hay fever, i'm allergic to four-leaf clovers.

* i saw that Buffalo Wild Wings Overtime commercial RIGHT BEFORE a REAL OVERTIME in the Tournament was about to commence...

* Apple: hey an iPhone that's banana-colored!!! you need this.
Takahashi: but it's not the PRICE of a banana!!! besides, it's confusing, it's supposed to be apples, not bananas.

* Taco: Shelly Miscavige was found at this diner...

* GEICO Gecko: that ratty recliner's not for sale.
man: if it's on the yard it's for sale at a yardsale.
GEICO Gecko: your wife's for sale then, mate.

* Sonic.
man: i can only relax by playing video games.........something is wrong with me, i'm 40.

* Suzy Lu: Scottish castles aren't musty, they're lived-in. speaking of, the cobwebs in my vulva have been cleared out.

* California tornado: YO!!! this is NOT Dorothy's dream!!!

* Lucio: and the phone is starting to crackle...

* Mardith: best legs on a female player? this is a topic on the messageboards of the Tennis Warehouse website???!!! SERIOUSLY???!!! are you fucking kidding me???!!!
Emma Raducanu: see what i'm talking about?

* the month of March: Hell Month. the most hectic stress you'll ever experience. Killer Month, neverending stuff, neverending shit. 6 major life decisions crammed into one month. gotta hate those 5-week months...

* Brooke Trantor: Wilco, they're from Chicago. i know, you thought they were from Texas, huh. it's that banjo.

* Dirg: so we say "hi" now by showing our butts instead of our faces?...

* Sesame Street: Lena Horne was a BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

* psychiatrist in a wheelchair: i understand you.........believe me.........i understand you...

* The KQED Building: we have the most unique elevator in the world. climb up it, ride the PBS glide, be transformed in how you see the world, rent a time machine on us, start over, this time live life computerless and commentless.

* Dana Plato: i was a ungraspable plate.

* Mary Horshack and Arnold Horschack in bed.
Mary Horshack in a quiet voice: are you orgasming, Arnold? i'm not hearing your famous laugh...

* England, Arkansas: where Bama became a queen.

* sleeping porch: a porch that's been screened for mayflies and bad customers.
mayfly: i don't get it, we make the buttermilk sweeter.

* Instagram: hang in there.........forever.

* okay San Diego State is MY TEAM, i'm LOVING the Roman thumbs-down!!! oh but please let's not have a San Diego State/Princeton matchup, my heart couldn't take it. 

happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: DoorDash is expensive now, you gotta pay the delivery fee now, no more trial of freebies. i've never had the Spicy Double Down, but is ANY MEAL worth $50? perhaps i'll partake in the Chicken Al Pastor from Chipotle, all monks are shepherds after all.

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