Rod Serling: it's weird, right? it's strange. it's mysterious. people call me the standard of writing for television, but the word standard also means ordinary, not special at all, which is not me, i was the most extraordinary sentient being ever there was, more spectacular than God's starry garden, with my Muppet face and cigarette couture the living embodiment of hippie lettuce.
Fuerza: i don't know about all this monk business but i cosign that sentiment, i broke the mold when i made Rod Serling. btw, the whole concept of a nun is ghoulish, let women be the sexual beings i made them as, that's how planets and new stars and green comets are formed. men are black holes.
random girl on Instagram: why don't you talk? you seem like you're never in a talking mood.
Dirg: it's cos i have no mouth, it was surgically removed.
Dirg's dad: i would have gone with because my mouth is all gelatin and now my body is pure gelatin.
King Charles III: at my Coronation i want to be heretofore known as Dr. Chuck Tre. my Coronation Chair? the Royal Bottom? the Titty Throne? yeah that's my chair, it's pointy but it's not graffiti'd and cut with a switchknife by rival gang members, it doesn't look like it's been sawed off by a chainsaw, like one big block of brown damp unfinished unvarnished wood.
Norm Abram: i can help with that...
Aaron Rodgers: i'm retiring.........this is my life and i want the whole world to know.
Gladyce doing her jumping jacks: it's one thing to do your MORNING jumping jacks, it's quite another jump jacking at 4AM in the morning...
Gladyce: don't leave your socks off when it's raining and you're jacking in the morning. morning rain is tricky, i know you want to keep your stomp quiet on the cobblestone but you'll just cut up the soles of your feet. i had to bathe my feet after in the pool of water that collected on the welcome mat.
Mr. Gabe Kotter: my homeroom is 11...
Mark Hapka spraypaints another 11 on the door...
Hapka: take it from me, there is no such thing as a private life. all celebrities want to be monks...
Dinuba: where Fred Flintstone REALLY LIVES.
Codrus: Sacred Heart Auto League? sounds like a great place to put your money.
Cotard: come on, brother, people really believe in this stuff. handyman in the sky, mechanic in the clouds.
Jesus: people are always surprised to learn i did Home Ec not Metalshop in high school.
Cotard: people really want Jesus to come driving along the highway in a red towtruck with a wrench in his hand and red Mario hat on his head face all black with greasy bubbly oil to fix the carburetor when a churchgoer's car breaks down by the side of the road. they want to side. they want that security, it's better than prayer.
Codrus: i mean waste away your money however you like, personally i place two bills of my cash betwixt the tits of my CarShield spokeswoman Vivica A. Fox.
Boston Proper: in Boca Raton, FL...
Betty Boothroyd: no, not Betty Boop. ask me about being a dancer. ask me about the hinged phallus on my door...
Mary Johnson from Welcome Back, Kotter: i sing that song from the Colace commercial.........especially the porcupine pineapple poo part.
Epstein: you like my gansta-lean walk on Welcome Back, Kotter? i learned that on the streets.
Boom Boom Washington: oh please, go to New York City to learn that shit, man.........gritty '70s NYC...
Epstein: my walk didn't impress the art teacher.
art teacher: not much. and i hate country music.
John Travolta: my walk of seduction to a girl and around her body didn't land with the art teacher neither.........but it DID become my Saturday Night Fever dance...
art teacher: not all art teachers are spacey flighty promiscuous dreamers.........i was but not ALL art teachers are...
Eye Luggage in a nun habit: Into Great Silence and go.
Cotard: are you ready, brother? this is our big showcase.
Codrus: are you kidding me?!!! WHO THE FUCK WOULD BE A MONK?!!! WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO BE A MONK?!!! THAT'S FUCKING INSANITY!!! after watching this 3-hour-long movie it has decidedly led me OFF monasticism, it has TURNED ME AWAY from the holy life, the sacred silence.
Philip Groning: i look like the German Jim Henson. i don't do animated TV. cartoon monks don't sell. i let out a GROAN during my stay with the monks filming this cos i really needed to masturbate in the cell one morning. luckily no one heard me. i DID get thrown out of the monastery however for using a flashlight one time instead of natural lighting. the monks were super-pissed, throwing me to the ground and fighting me tearing my camera bag open and punching me in the face cos they remembered their sordid history with the Government.
monks: we like the locals, they pay. for the tour. the Government sucks, they want everything for free!!! during World War I the Army kicked us out of our own home!!! kicked out peaceful monks who weren't doing NUTHIN'!!! that got us MAD FOR LIFE and we NEVER FORGAVE THEM!!!
Rasputin: ...
Padre Pio: Phil Groning is directing me for his next film. i like him well enough but he's peculiar. i was a party animal, the partying padre. i conducted the first live seance during a Catholic Mass. see seances don't work for ordinary folk cos it's just a cheap party game to them, you have to do the seance ON a genuine marble Catholic altar!!!
Padre Pio: i didn't do any party drugs, i was completely sober. but i did see demons out of the corner of my eye like that Outer Limits episode...
black monk: I am obviously the star of this movie. because my life is so wrapped in mystery. like i'm wrapped in this shawl. no i am not starring in Creed III. i mean think about it, i'm the ONLY BLACK MAN in this whole goddamn place!!! that gives me a unique perspective on things. it's hard enough being a monk but to be black amongst ALL WHITE sucks of course and is just like society, i thought i was trying to ESCAPE SOCIETY!!!
black monk: do you even know my name? you don't know my backstory. did i run to this place to escape the mean streets of Paris? of course the producers didn't interview me. i was left out there dangling, hanging, left out there to be an object to be stared at, ogled over, wondered about like a circus freakshow. i tried to side but i became a sideshow.
C Side: ...
monks: like bread we're French but we're universal.
Director Philip: the scenery is nice i'll give you that. these mountain caps are GORGEOUS. the French side of the Alps, absolutely epic when snow falls on them.
monks: nah, it's fucking cold when it snows here, that's why we're always wearing robes. it's hard to breathe up here, why the fuck did we build our house up so high?
Director Phil: do you ever look at the breathtaking Alps in front of you and dream of fucking Julie Andrews?
monks: we get sad whenever an airplane flies over our monastery, we all want to JUMP INTO THAT PLANE AND FLY OFF OUT OF HERE!!!
Codrus: this is a LUNATIC LIFE. it just is. what person in their right mind would volunteer for a life like this? this is the same thing as being in a mental hospital alone in your room for the rest of your life, black tape on your windows and no sponge baths. or being in solitary confinement in prison serving out your 100-year sentence.
monks: listen, all us monks believe life is meaningless, that's why we are here and do NOTHING because there's nothing to do, life is meaningless, life doesn't mean anything.
Codrus: i mean even your FOOD is wheeled to your cell each lunchtime and slid down your slit in a funny-farm stainless steel bowl.
monks: yep. and when the guy forgets his rounds and forgets to wheel that damn dolly to our doors, we starve the rest of the day, cos we can't leave our rooms.
Jack Nicholson: when i was in the institution i required a copper bowl to avoid contamination.
Director Phil: you should have let me film you guys in the '80s, imagine all the cool nostalgic shit that happened with you guys during the '80s.
monks: it was wild. all the walls were painted purple. we had a contract with Taco Bell so we ate Taco Bell all day everyday. and we were the first beta-testers of the new greybox Nintendo Entertainment System.
Butt: as an abbot i've learned to be flexible. you gotta keep the recruits happy, you know? if you have no body, no body of souls to do the work of repairing roofs and stuff, you have no workforce. i allow ONE thing from the outside world: cable TV. that's it, that's enough, cable TV. no internet, no video games.
monks: what's so great about the outside world? you guys pay taxes, we don't pay taxes!!!
Government: i mean being a monk is useless, right? it's useless to society.
monks: of course it is!!!
Cotard: how do you support yourselves? how do you guys make money? make a profit? how do you pay for this mansion?
monks: it's more of a big house. we sell green Chartreuse liqueur.
Cotard: isn't alcohol bad for society? and you push it like a pusha on the mean streets of Paris.
monks: relax it's fine, it's HERBAL WINE.
monks: look, we do what we do cos, well, we think God is cool. we LIKE God. wouldn't you do something drastic, wouldn't you make the hard sacrifice if you REALLY LIKED someone?
Codrus: give it all up for a faint chance? i mean if you were a priest instead at least you could scope a nice big ol' butt in a dress between the pews swimming in the sea of people in the parish every Sunday morning when they turn their backsides from the line after receiving Communion.
monks: parishioners? what a ghastly concept. horrid. obviously we're misanthropes, we hate people.
monks: are you finally appreciating the rhythms to our life?
Director Phil: yeah, thanks for the Walkman.
Codrus: what do you men do for fun out here? you can't fuck women.
monks: we can fuck the nuns but our nuns are ugly.
incoming monk: what if i get sick while i'm here? do you have a pharmacy? a collective medicine cabinet?
monks: we have a hospital that is understaffed, just emergency-room nurses, no doctors. the cell room is just a big shelf of bottles of pills. mostly Vanquish. you know the greatest scientific discoveries that benefited all mankind came from monk gardens.
Mendel: i grew my own marijuana on my plot of land to keep me sane. i walked around my tiny house on my tiny stone path in a circle for hours because my plot of land was one square foot.
monk novitiate: why does this ceremony look like a frat initiation? i don't know if i'm monk material. i don't want to go to church, i want to sleep in late.
monks: you can't. you HAVE TO go to church. here. there's no escape.
old monk: what was your major in college?
black monk: Art History.
old monk: okay we want you to break up this wood park bench with an axe. and cobble these shoes.
black monk: bruh.
black monk: i did not train for this. besides you're out of thread.
monks: use this MacGyver bubblegum we've been saving up since the '80s.
black monk: i have no training whatsoever in how to do odd jobs. my schooling consists of going to college so i don't know how to do anything. okay you want the truth? i'm a failed Paris Saint-Germain soccer star...
old-monk tour guide: thread? put it on the list, i'll go to Pep Boys later. i will be your tailor today, lift your arms and i'll fit you for your robe.
black monk: but don't you want my measurements? i have to be wearing this piece of cloth the rest of my life!!!
old-monk tailor: SHHHHH, vow of silence, remember? let me do your inside pant-leg.
black monk: i am not wearing the cowl...
oldhead: but in the winter we change to a brown robe and brown cowl, that's cool, it makes us look like deviant Druids!!!
black monk: you don't wear the white robes to camouflage yourselves in the snow to blend in to avoid getting eaten by a deer? you monks are stupid!!!
Cotard: it's so beautiful when they show the faces of the monks staring into the camera, it's so stark, no words, no dialogue, just silence, just the faces, the face of someone who has made the ultimate decision to sacrifice everything.
Codrus: those faces are creepy.
monks: we sacrifice everything for a little peace and quiet...
black monk: you know i don't get along with these folk not because they're all white, it's because they're OLD and i'm YOUNG!!! i mean these bastards have no idea what soccer is!!!
library monk: i broke my glasses, i stepped under them with my sandal and cracked the glass.
monks: shit outta luck.
at the monk barbershop.
shaver monk: i'm here to shave your head. wanna read a Playboy while you wait?
young monk: do you have one of those CopperFit circular shavers that gets underneath those trouble areas around head bumps? can i keep my hairstyle?
shaver monk: no, we only let it slide that one time for that punk monk, we let him keep his mohawk cos it was against his religion. hey kid watch the wires hanging abovehead on the ceiling here powering the electric shavers, many monks have tried to hang themselves on them.
incoming monk: hello? my heat pipe is broken and it's cold. and you said i can't smoke my father's pipe.
monks: the repairman's coming in 2 weeks and 30 years.
incoming monk: why do i have to kneel on this block of wood in my room every morning? it's not like anybody's ever gonna know.
incoming monk: what do i do all day? what's my job? i just sit down on a bench in my room and READ?!!! read? read a book? with a magnifying glass cos glasses are for nerds and Sherlock Holmes is my hero? i mean, what's the point, i could read books in college. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT UNIVERSITY!!!
monks: how's the salad coming?
kitchen monk: the Bible isn't a cookbook, right? it's gonna take some time, i'm making a Caesar Salad from scratch.
monks: don't worry, we got the time.
Greykid Mlem and Blep: oh HELL NO. we ain't staying at this monastery!!! that fat monk feeds us kibble ONCE EVERY MONTH. and he SCREAMS at us in French, something about cursing his religious mother...
at the townhall dining table where all the monks have gathered for supper.
DJ monk: and now for your dinner entertainment!!!.........PRESENTING!!!.........ON THE MIC!!!.........TOM FUCKING JONES!!!
the monks gather for a little conversational powwow at the top of the mountain villa.
monks: so. what are we gonna talk about today, my fellow brothers? who's the conversationalist in the group?
monks: humans, humanity is just monkeys with brains, right?
monks: yeah.
monk: i love getting outside and wearing this bucket hat.
black monk: honestly you get used to eating alone in your room in or out of society.........yes the two halves of my apple look like tits, do you blame me?
a stone cup of water left alone forever on the sill of the monastery window the view blocked by an Attack on Titan Wall...
Jesus: look, man, that is not a Chalice of my Blood, that's a pimp cup full of purple drank. i wanted you dudes to loosen up and have a little fun. my dudes. life on the mean streets of Paris can seep inside here, too.
monks: sometimes you escape our hopeless situation of being trapped here against our will until we die by playing hide-and-seek by smushing our bodies under the pews so no one can find us again.
Director Phil: you see what i did there, i suspiciously moved my camera RIGHT to capture my crew on the grounds of the monastery. i was so sick of filming these monks. how long have i been in the enclosure? it seems like 30 years. time stands still here.
monks: we offer tours for the general public. you have to wear a Michael Jackson jacket. $100 if you want to have sex in a monk cell. $200 if you want to kiss a monk's sweaty beard.
black monk: can we turn the lights up in here? this cathedral is always so damn dark. can i be a monk if i don't know any Latin? also, i can't sing. i have a bad singing voice, i practice in my cell on my mini-synthesizer i got from the band Air, but you know...
Jeff Goldblum: everyone can sing. everyone has a singing voice. but this is chanting. EVERYONE can chant!!!
Doryce and Gladyce: ...
what's a bald eagle doing in France?...
at the screening at Cannes.
Bill Donahue from the Catholic League: i'm a baldy cos all this stress made me bald. this is the first movie EVER to get 5 Stars from us!!! i was PETRIFIED i was gonna see pornography in this movie.
Codrus: i had to keep quiet in the theatre throughout the whole thing, i couldn't even SIP my bottle of water.
Cotard: that wasn't water, buddy. that was holy vodka.
Laertus: oh FINALLY THEY DO AN INTERVIEW!!!
Director Phil: but what if God is an evil entity?
blind monk: i don't care, i'm blind. you gotta admit, only I have a legitimate reason to be here...
the monks sliding down the snow mountain.
monks: MOST FUN WE'VE EVER HAD IN OUR LIFE!!! thank you for this. we didn't need sleds, we used our butts as sleds. we finally did butt stuff.
Eye Luggage: this was the most interesting film i ever reviewed.........cos there wasn't much to say...
Mardith: i did a strip show for monks once, strip-tease in their cells complete with French music, for the young ones who were still on the fence...
old monks: we don't like cameras in our faces in our rooms, it's too Survivor-y.
the post-interview.
Director Phil: so what is your favorite job at the monastery?
monk with silver hair coming out of his ears and a silver caterpillar on his eyebrow: i love ringing the church bells. i slide up that rope and it feels like gym class all over again. i'm ugly as you can see, i look like a Muppet, i'm the Hunchback of Notre Dame for real, that's why i'm here.
shaved monk: i have no body fat nor body hair. i tried to carry the Crucifix once for Processional and it landed on my head cracking my skull. that motherfucker of a cross is 200 pounds of pewter!!!
snow monk: i tumbled down the snow hill and broke my back. but it was fun.
blue monk: i love burying my fellow monks in the snow when they die.
Cotard and Codrus approach a cell that's on the way other side of the hallway in the back away from everyone even the garden.
Cotard knocks politely on the wood door.
Cotard: safety check, can we come in? damn it's DARK in here!!! i can't see a thing!!!
Codrus: GET THE FUCK OUTTA YOUR ROOM THE MONASTERY'S ON FIRE!!!
Aaron Rodgers emerges from the dark room.
Aaron Rodgers: i retired from the NFL to focus of being a monk. don't i look good in this white robe? g'night folks.
No comments:
Post a Comment