CALIFORNIA SUITE: CHECK OUT THE COLITAS

 

Jen R and i at the tennis courts.

me: where are we?

Jen R: Hughson of course. you want your daily hug now?

me: is it 10:45AM already?

Jen R: we only got this court for like five minutes, there are some very special guests coming from what i hear.

me: I MERELY NEED YOU IN MY ORBIT FOREVER in order for me to function, that's all. got any quarters in your skirt for the machine?

Vinnie Barbarino: i was failing all my classes. except one, the Scientology one, that was the only one that was interesting.

in the neighboring court Gladyce is jacking to prepare for her tennis match with Doryce. she does 100 jumping jacks without a breath, stretches her leg up over her nose, and stands on her head. 

Gladyce: you can only look at the world upside-down through yoga...

Outer Limits (1995 series) casting director: i had the greatest Little Black Book of all time...

shaker hood: the only car the Amish may drive...

shaker scoop: Amish ice cream.

Boom Boom Washington: hood scoop? Boom Boom Washington does NOT like ice cream, you dig? don't give me that industry shit i do my own thing *curls tongue*.

boneshaker: steampunk bicycle.

Fuerza: wanna know how to talk to a woman? just call her a goddess...

Dirg: i'm sorry but Maiara Walsh is a GODDESS. i can't hate. her perfect globular bosom, her Brazil breast, is the TIT OF THE WORLD, the tit of the globe, the globalist teat. sex with Maiara Walsh is not sex, it's an otherworldly experience in which you leave your body and travel high up into outer space. into a space fountain of everlasting gushing cum that drives rivers and creates moon mountains.

Maiara Walsh: it's called a whirlpool of peace. you wouldn't understand.

Mardith: Dirg, you believe in the body of light? the astral body? that's a start. shed all your patriarchal religions and we'll talk.

Dirg: even Mormonism? those saints are latter and gnarly. later.

Mardith: you believe in the moon? that's a start. next i'll get you to admit the Moon Landing was real.

Madame Pons: get him to convince himself that there are other worlds besides those in the Christian Bible, other stuff out there in space that's not religiously human, and then we'll FINALLY have Dirg's brain not being hopelessly diseased, smelly of bath salts, and inoperable.

Doryce: no brain is immune to witch magic. he'll come around to our side. like that old-man tracker in the Outer Limits episode "The Choice."

Sarah Michelle Gellar: witch-hunters make me VOMIT.

Neil Armstrong of NASA: i'm just here for the cum craters. 

Roald Dahl: remember, witches can't be caught. 

Gladyce: o Roald oh boy, hit the road, sure there is devilry in my blood, my blood is O for all beings.

Doryce: i don't agree with censoring your books. but i DID WISH you had made the Giant Peach juicier to perk my coital imagination, you know? my puerile pops. my vaginal vicissitudes...

Dirg: i swear, i'm flippin through my TV Guide here and i can't tell if this butcher show is about Southern cooking or Southern murder...

Eye Luggage in a black sunhat: California Suite and go.

Maggie Smith: has Maggie Smith ever been nude?

Dirg: you address yourself in the third person? this is why i hate Hollywood.

Maggie Smith: ONCE. once have i ever been nude, done nudity. it was HERE. that's why i won the Oscar.

Dirg: you got some nice tits for a wrinkled dried-up husk of a witch grandmaster in those prescient Harry Potter movies.

Maggie: that's CRONE, young man!!! i'm gonna turn you into a frog when you're drinking your can of Diet Rite tonight alone in your kitchen.

Dirg: NutraSweet is the government's way to control your mind. saccharine is street syrup. i drink Diet Rite and i didn't hear ANY yoga babes knocking at my door.

Daniel Radcliffe covering his eyes with his fingers: NO!!! i can't look at my precious beloved Minerva McGonagall NAKED!!!.........what am i talking about? i did Equus.

Maggie Smith: gone with the wind...

Tom Brady: i retired cos of a cute cat.

Talia: Louie???!!!

Jane Fonda: you weren't that hot anymore when we worked together, Tom, you were OLD...

Neil Simon: i was Aaron Sorkin before Aaron Sorkin.

Aaron Sorkin: call me the Modern Neil Simon, that would be a compliment for me.

Neil Simon: i came up with that whole wordfighting between two characters, the rapid-fire back-and-forth witty repartee, the tit for tat, the method, the increasing insults escalating quickly. sunbaked Virginia Woolf.

Aaron Sorkin: staccato like a typewriter.........i still use a typewriter...

Dana Plato: let's everyone around here be honest, the only reason you watched this was for ME. this kickstarted my career.........my ultimately Shakespearean tragedy of a career.  everybody was mad, including me, as you continued watching this you only see me in a non-speaking role sitting on the grass by my divorced parents' suite. 

Jane Fonda: it's 1978, it's the birth year of Laertus's dad and Phoenix, we have to commemorate that year by calling it a lawn, grass in the '70s was colitas.

Dana Plato: only at the VERY END do i have a speaking part at the airport!!! you would have been PISSED OFF, huh. watching this for nothing. waiting for nothing. me, too.

David Hockney: yes i used to paint hockey scenes and puck still lifes but that got boring. besides, hockey is increasingly becoming more and more ultranationalist-rightwing...

Andy Warhol: we gotta be the examples of good. it is possible.

Alan Alda: i'm the sexiest sensitive man of all time.

Jane Fonda: a successful screenwriter? that's not a thing in Hollywood. Carrie Fisher gets all the scripts and makes them gold.

Alan Alda: when did you start smoking?

Jane Fonda: they're Virginia Slims, all the female tennis players are doing it.

Alan: it's 1978, only Los Angeles and New York City exist.

Jane: Los Angeles is New York without culture. why are we comparing the two? they're the same city.

Alan: it's impossible to secede.

Jane: and succeed. i don't want my daughter hating me the rest of her life like i hated my mother the rest of her life.

Dana Plato: ANOTHER Jennifer for Patrick?

Alan: don't you come from royalty? even though your name is a plain name like Jane? the Queen can't die.

Jane: this whole conversation between the two of us is WEIRD AND LONG. why is it so long? why didn't we decide custody without a court, Kramer is canceled.

Alan: let's save the grievances for Greece. 

on the beach.

Alan: my mother always told me, never bicker on a beach. oh god you're wearing THE GREEN BIKINI, don't wear the green bikini, i can't divorce you now.

Jane: let's make another baby.

Alan: let's make a Dana Plato who lives...

Alan: i don't care who you screw to get ahead in your career, i do the same, i had to fuck Conrad Bain to save a whole lot of people's lives. by the way, why are you a workaholic? haven't you heard, work is a passe fad now.

Jane: be sure to feed Jenny many lima beans, that'll counteract the round street-drug pills in her system. where are you going?

Alan: to war in this sweater.

Maggie Smith: look at my pic up there, the one with me holding the Oscar statuette. that is META, dahlin. the good meta, the '70s meta, not our present Mark Zuckerberg shit. you see that's me winning a REAL OSCAR for THIS, not my character in this who LOSES the Oscar in the script. trippy, huh.

Michael Caine: put on this hydrangea before you eat your crudites, oyster shells, and lobster tails, pet, we mustn't lose our British manners while slumming it in L.A.

Maggie Smith: all i'm asking is for the kitchen to make me eggs Benedict at 10:45PM. don't i deserve that? i did a spoof of the Airplane! movies!!! 

Michael: traitor. and don't you DARE call me a faggot, you're too classy for that, you're an Ibsen actress not an obscene actress. you have to set an example for all the schoolchildren underlings under you.

Maggie: but i'm teaching them black magic. well then, prove it, fuck me.

Maggie and Michael in bed clothed but naked.

Maggie Smith: i mean it, dear, FUCK ME. i want to be FUCKED, i want that swelling sensation. i want to be mashed and smashed. i want to be thrown around like a rag-doll against the wall and choked. i know that's not British-proper but sex is meant to be MESSY. is this a marriage or a business arrangement?

Caine: isn't that what marriage is? sound out my last name, you knew what you were getting into with me, imma hockey player, my heart belongs to hockey, not any woman. i will never not be gay, and thus i will be the only man who will ever TRULY LOVE YOU. you're the lucky one in life. do you know how hard it is to find a decent cabana boy in every city late at night? they're never home, they're out on the water!!! my dreams are realized when YOUR dreams are realized.

Maggie: so you're my TEACHER?!!!

Caine: here, have my mashed potatoes, that's all i can offer you, i'm a gypsy, madam, not a masher. 

Laertus: that was pretty cool, they filmed the Academy Awards scenes at a REAL Academy Awards ceremony, all those outside shots of the celebrities filing in and the auditorium shots of celebrities wondering why cameras are in there are all REAL. the reactions are pricelessly bewildering.

Maggie: i wonder if it's gonna rain at this year's Oscars...

Army Archerd: i was actually in the Navy. Army is short for Armand. 

Archer: ...

Army Archerd: i hate apples.

Maggie: THE BEST LINE IN THIS WHOLE THING is one i say: "when i'm an actress i can be ugly. but when i'm a real woman i want to be beautiful."

Richard Pryor: hood scoop? only we can say that, Neil Simon can't say that.

Bill Cosby: well it IS the radiator!!!

Pryor: that radiator gave me a rad radiator rainbow, chump!!! i'm the best of both worlds, i'm Chauncey from Wonder Showzen and Forrest Gump.

Cosby: wait so i'm a doctor who delivers babies AGAIN here?

Pryor: what? Chinese food makes you hungry, that's a FACT.

Pryor: don't talk to me about no broken toilet, it's IMPOSSIBLE to get those microscopic tiny little beads of silver balls on the FLUSHER CHAIN!!! floods are common in Hollywood. 

Pryor: there is only ONE reason you need to watch this: ME AND COSBY BRAWLING. we two going at it. the fight to end all fights!!!

Pryor: hey man, word of advice from a fellow brother in the industry, Panama is not the way to go, not the name to be known for, you should not be near ANY drugs.

Jen R: here let me take those from you, Cosby.

Pryor: we can at least look forward to Obama.

Jen R and i at the tennis courts.

Jen R: here here, please please, take OUR court, we make room for TWO LEGENDS. we'll just be over here, i'll be over here in my cute patio skirt by this reincarnation fountain here as i play in the water thinking it's a bong.

me: reincarnation is rejuvenating.

Dirg: don't forget your balls as you play this match.

me: orange tennis balls, so '70s. ONLY in the '70s were there orange tennis balls.

Pryor's wife: my foot feels like a wet piano.........that was another good line.

wet organ: do damp organs have dampeners?

Laertus: there is nothing more beautiful than two old men kissing on the lips. it's not gay, it's tradition.

Walter Matthau: HEY BROTHER!!!

Herb Edelman: i sound like food. cream cheese. a breakfast-in-bed platter.

Walter: i wish you hadn't eaten out my mother's bagel. but i forgive you.

Herb: once i see a lady tuckus i have to grab it pinch it adopt it.

Walter Matthau: i look like Matthew Broderick in this.

Walter: why are you wearing jogging pants?

Herb: in L.A. these are slacks, both meanings. why'd you come out here?

Walter: i had to escape my son, Dennis the Menace, he was driving me crazy. how could one slingshot cause an entire skyscraper to come down? we sent him to reform school.

Walter: dead naked hooker in my bed? i'm too old for this shit.

Walter: where'd you come from, sweetheart? the Playboy Club? a suite is a mansion for a day.

Bunny: i'm not a hooker!!! i'm a teacher!!! an art teacher!!! what subway do i take to get back to Mr. Kotter's school?

Walter: don't date James Woods!!! or you'll end up like this for real.

Elaine May: it was real DUMB of you to cheat on me. we had a marriage that was lasting FOREVER. i'm going to go on to be a critically-acclaimed director whose works no one will see cos i'm a woman!!! Happy International Women's Day in 1978!!! i'm gonna direct a few episodes of Rugrats which i will do lovingly...

Jenny Baranick: that's my mom.

Elaine: with my head held high i will still attend Dennis the Menace's bar mitzvah. i'm proud of our son, are you? think of all the infidelity and abuse and bad treatment and sorrow and undue burden and unfairness wives have had to swallow through the centuries to keep the family unit together for the kids. all the shit the women have had to put up with cos their husbands show shallow stupidity. why does the woman always have to be the bigger person? men never know what they have, they think they can always toy around and futz around and have fun. real life isn't some Three's Company episode. and it always has to be ignored in secret, by both parties...

Los Angeles: you had no idea i had a forest. 

Neil Simon: wait, so originally instead of 4 groups of people there is the same couple the same two people doing ALL 4 SCENARIOS?!!! that doesn't make any sense, how did they pull that off on Broadway? g'night folks.

me: i want a threesome.

Jen R: say you what?

me: instead of doubles let's play tennis with 3 people on the court.

Jen R: like if. hmmm, how could that work? the drugs are kicking in.........i'm seeing how this could arise, it's a whole new sport, it's tennis but it's not tennis. but it's definitely not pickleball. okay, i'll invite someone else over. i know people. i'm doing this cos i'm rad.

out of the ragged shadow of the chain-link fence Bjork steps out onto the court. Bjork is holding a tennis racquet made of aluminum tin she drops on the court.

me: hi Bjork.

Jen R: hihi Bjork. manifest with your sour smile. arise, materialize!!!

Bjork saying nothing buries her shy face in her bosom and waves up at us. 

Bjork takes off her swan tennis skirt.

me: oh cool!!! you brought one of those Contour Pillows that looks like a swan!!! 

Jen R: comfortable.

me: my back needs shape. THIS is the only pillow i'll endorse!!!