ABRAHAM LINCOLN CRASHED TOM THUMB'S WEDDING

 

notes:

* Trevor: this Aeon Flux episode was the Boxing Helena garden-party scene. 

Aeon Flux: did you like me in that grey college varsity sweater?

Aeon Flux: did you like that Katharine Isabelle expression of fat shock i had on my face there?

Trevor: irresistible.........but i MUST resist somehow for another episode!!!...

* tightrope surgery: clown surgery.

* Amazing Stories "Moving Day".

Donna Pescow: this HAS to have been the pilot episode of "Out of This World"...

Jen R: gotta love a braless mom waking you up in the morning. i need one of those egg devices!!! put the egg in the square hole and the microwave triangle spits out scrambled, genius.

me: the kid's reading cosmic-commando comics, at least it's not Playboy. sci-fi comics will help his future.........both meanings of future...

Jen R: i know the location of that house!!! that futuristic grey-white house in the hills with the severe angles and the plexiglass balconies, that's Burt Reynolds's house in Pacific Palisades!!!

Burt Reynolds: Hollywood Hills was where i proposed to Loni Anderson.

Loni Anderson: i turned him down 4 times...

Rod Serling: WAY better sets than anything we had, this set design is EXPENSIVE...

Amy Heckerling: what a GORGEOUSLY sweet ending.

Dr. Vacc: dentist chairs at the end...

* tea: settles your stomach. as your mind goes crazy...

Paul: bright-white mustaches are sexy.

* Phoenix: who the fuck plays golf in 100-degree heat?!!!

* Peter Capaldi: SoFi Stadium, futuristic-looking stadium, on the giant screen is the only way to see the new episodes of Doctor Who in America now. sci-fi at SoFi, you bastards.

* franchise quarterback: hard to find. like a wife.

* Sexy Mama Love Spaghetti: spaghetti served only with brown sauce.

* Ritz cracker: no, Ritzcracker, as in Ritz Nutcracker...

* Ear Horn: afraid of needles, dearie? try stinging nettle...

* ya casi: almost.........married...

* Arch Oboler: Orson Welles was too BIG for the both of us.

Jean Shepherd: you suck, Arch. at least i squeezed in my "A Christmas Story" story in there on the radio...

* Lucio: even the spam calls give up after two rings when it's from 13587290146...

* me: this is the first time Twixmas was eventful for me.

* my grandma in Boothbay Harbor from her family house on the bay with a dock-pier instead of a front door: Ex-President Bump gone. i did it for Burnsy. i did it for BARNESY!!!

Maine Secretary of State Marcia Clark: Christopher Darden was my sidepiece during the O.J. Trial...

* Meredith Speight at PBS: don't you want to pay for me? THE WORLD wants to pay for me!!!

* one more week at a halfway house.........and i'm not even drinking...

* Hayao Miyazaki: you need an ornithopter for the ordeal you're suffering through. anime was a mistake. except for my films. imagine me doing Death Note...

* Michael Weiss: Instagram is like doing hard time in prison for 20 years, resentments build up, frustrations arise, bitterments creep up, injustice lingers, jealousy festers...

* Mark Hapka: at the University of Phoenix, i earned my PhD in Manifest Magic in just 3 days...

* The Outer Limits "Blank Slate".

Robbi Chong: that was bullshit!!! we had the PERFECT ENDING where you would choose NOT to go back to your ugly past of forced memory deletion and START FRESH FROM SQUARE ONE with me. i needed to leave my old life behind and begin anew, too, i abandoned my sister to our rapist stepfather in order for me to flee towards a better life of homeless shelters. helping out in the homeless shelters, soup-kitchen duty.

Dale Midkiff: it was a sweet ending. till it got all dark, depressing, and hopeless at the VERY END...

* Nicole Briscoe: i'm annoying as fuck. i have an irritating grating vibe, like i'm that pearled aunt from Fairview you never want to see parked in your driveway. 

Jen R: pearled is bad, purled is good...

Nicole Briscoe: am i supposed to be hot? why did ESPN get rid of Jade McCarthy!!!

* Jen R: i got a Bartesian in my bed instead of a George Clooney Keurig!!!

* Gladyce: the kitchen towel went VELCRO on me!!!

* Amazing Stories: each episode is a snug little intimate capsule of comfort.

* UNRWA: of all the jobs out there, hauling heavybags of wheat on your two shoulders in Palestine is the most important job there is.

* Verizon.

fam: what are you doing?

dad: being dramatic.

fam: it didn't register cos you weren't using the William Shatner Voice.

mom: spaghetti night.

dad: chili with beans?

mom: no, tomato sauce in a 5-cent pewter can.

dad: that's fucking red water.

* Jen R: i know i'm from Baltimore but Joe Flacco is suddenly cute again...

* Lady Gaga: Nurtec works fine but i get painful blitzing migraine headaches every time i see purple...

* Emergen-C: our crystals look like crystal meth. perfect to take on the bus.

* Land Rover: wanna save on expensive car washes? drive to a waterfall...

* Lexus December to Remember.

sled dogs: wolf pupits but the sled is a car.

Jules Smith: ...

Jules Smith: it makes The Pack, Halo and Tex, MORE beautiful. when that car pulls up and a wolf gets out of the car door instead of a dog, that is magnificent magic.

CLICK HERE FOR ALLOW YOURSELF TO DREAM

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: you might as well allow yourself to dream, you're never gonna get what you want. imagine.........purely.........Willy Wonka Food at Denny's, the purple hamburgers with the purple patties, the purple pancakes with the purple sauce, the purple coffee... 

CASTLE IN THE SKY: ORNITHOPTER

 

me: i'm not much but i'll love you right.

Jen R: you do stand 7 feet tall.

me: that just makes my smallness worse.

Jen R: get ready to get your balls BASTED, boy.

Jen and i go to the NYBC New York Botanical Garden for a little holiday train.

me: ready for some train?

Jen R: the holiday train show is a family tradition, i take my daughter every year.

me: please don't talk about your other family, it gets me jealous and depressed cos i know what we have is fragile.

Jen R: lighten up, it's the holidays!!! i've always wanted to be a train conductor.

me: you look cute with that grey-and-white-striped conductor's cap on top of your hair.

Jen R: choo choo!!! this is fun riding this Christmas-lights train. 

me: don't drink all the Nocino, save some for the train, no more coal briquettes anymore!!!

Jen R: sticky, this wine be sticky.

me: train whistles scare me.

Jen R: Nocino wine bottles have that LONG-ass neck, it's a great vibrator i ain't gonna lie...

Jen R: am i going around in circles or am i being tracked? okay chum, since you're so scared of train whistles...

me: they're just so loud. and all that smoke gets in your eyes.

Jen R: i'm gonna use a WOOD train whistle, you know, handheld, i put it to my mouth.

me: like you do your vibrator.

Jen R: did they stop? did the kids get out of the way?!!! chugga chugga chugga chugga...

me: what's that music i hear?

Jen R: with me there's always music. i replaced the train whistle with my antique chrome LP record-player, a Crossley.

me: now THIS is cross-training.

SARA: let's face it, New Year's Eve weekend is always.........kind of a drag...

TOM: which is why we have a Demon Slayer marathon for you.........we naturally assume if you watch Toonami you have no friends...

SARA: just acknowledging our audience...

Amazing Stories "The Greibble": we invented the term nom nom nom...

Felicia Combs: i'm wearing my Christmas table's maroon tablecloth as a dress.

Felicia Combs: i feel more like a Felecia...

Ariana Araiza in a BODACIOUS Christmas red dress: it's Christmas Day, i'm going dancing at the club tonight. remember,, the ice-skating ice has sneaker waves...

Erin Clark: our Katie Couric...

Boc: silent night.........because there is NOBODY out on Christmas morning. there's a SPECIAL SILENCE in the air on Christmas morning...

Rod Serling: how do you like it? this is what you've wanted. how do you like this POSTAPOCALYPTIC TWILIGHT ZONE SILENCE? pretty fucking scary, huh. not a soul, not a peep, in the entire tri-state area, for hours, the quiet slowly suffocates you like a sweater. all the roads, bridges, tunnels empty, to grandmother's house we go.........if she's still there...

dad: did you like the rusty-as-fuck coppery penny i left you on the gas-station sidewalk on Christmas morning? i'm always here, always looking out for you, creature, when you get frightened as fuck.

The Barnyard: i mean we don't even pipe Christmas music into our speakers this morning, CHRISTMAS MORNING!!!

Mr. Kotter, smiling: did you Christmas fart? did you fart on Christmas Day?...

sugarplug: Doryce with Glade.

Lavinia Warren: I was the first goth...

Abraham Lincoln: your husband Tom Thumb lived inside my hat for a few years, i put him up when his parents dumped him in shame...

Tom Thumb: just until i got back on my feet...

Ear Horn: Lifebuoy, the first blood soap.

Ernest Hemingway: the only soap i've ever known is red soap...

Colin Kaepernick: i'm the only player who has ever been BLACKLISTED in NFL history...

First Things First on FS1: are we better than First Take on ESPN?

Stephen A. Smith: maybe. but a man with long hair, a mullet, a beard, and a Van Dyke mustache should never discuss and analyze football, it's just weird, it looks weird, this man should be doing a GEICO caveman commercial in a business suit...

Evan Michelson: what Edgar Allan Poe's daughter would have looked like...

Ivandoe: taking off clothes is for pure comedy only.

Tom Cruise: every love story must have a scene where the man playfully bodyslams the woman to the ground, floor, or ocean.

Elisabeth Shue: ...

Jen R: Aeon Flux "A Last Time For Everything," THAT is the most brilliant way to do that ending when it's a clone story!!! you really thought that one out for a while, huh.

Peter Chung: thank you. and yes i did. did you like that scene in Trevor's bedroom with the mirror, two Aeons, the real Aeon and her reflection...

me: i wish the entire show of Rick and Morty was a clone so it would just go away...

Bridget Lancaster and Julia Collin Davison linking arms as they drink each other's glass of rose sangria: the PBS version of lesbian-fucking.

America's Test Kitchen closing credits: we use the same brassy jazz horns as Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman...

Ear Horn: when the Two-Minute Warning hits, you should be sucking on your last chickenbone...

Leslie Sbrocco: the wine is only Grand cru if my tits are the cheeseboard...

Dirg: can you imagine having a live Zoom session with Leslie Sbrocco? okay PBS you otherwise suck, you take all the taxpayers' hard-earned money, but these KQED Events are pretty cool...

Pati Jinich: i'm off the market.........as in my show isn't on KQED anymore!!!

PBS personalities: pay us more.

Clarissa Ward face-down on the ground lips all smushed in a warzone: this is strangely sexy. planted down. they're trying to make me a plant but i'm a real reporter. the only plant here is my face planted to the ground...

Boc: as i take my early-morning walk, i survey the empty land like a king...

Monte Vista Christian: a Christian high school that's CO-ED?!!!...

Lance Armstrong: i'm sending a video of a bike making a heart in the snow with its tires with the caption "for you" to 100 different women...

Wilt Chamberlain in a bicycle helmet: ...

Peter Griffin at the Strand Ballroom: i wish i weighed a strand. i used to weigh a strand. i used to play the strand guitar.

Ambient Swim: glow-in-the-dark coelacanth.........rare G-Rated show on adult swim...

adult swim: that's adult swim, not a CULT swim.

Ambient Swim: a snail shell that develops into a bright MAD Magazine illustration...

Nina Gordon: the octopus from the Veruca Salt Eight Arms to Hold You album animated...

Eye Luggage: Castle in the Sky and go.

Laertus: the Miyazaki i missed.

Disney: ultimately, did we make things better or worse?...

Hayao Miyazaki: this film was actually dubbed into English way back in 1988 when it first came out in Japan. it's still mystery which studio exactly did it.

Tom Cruise: it was my studio in West Hollywood...

Miyazaki: it was done just for some private Japan Airlines international flights that only Jeff Bezos boarded. what a fucking waste. 

Carl Macek: why am i so HATED?!!! it's called IMPROV, people.

Eye: babe are we gonna get all Suzy Lu and Kakashi with this and review ALL the Studio Ghibli films?

Laertus: look i'll be honest, i am simply NEVER gonna see Porco Rosso. it's in the category with The Godfather, Elf, and Parasite. i know, i know this is in bad taste, but i'm just being honest. some films you just KNOW you're never going to see...

Lucio Rossi and Takahashi: ...

Mark Hamill wearing perfume: this is my best vocal performance ever. i mean not counting Robot Chicken. it's easy to play the bad guy with the sinister snarl, i am Darth Vader's son after all...

Miyazaki: foreign markets thought i named my film not Laputa but La Puta as in The Whore. hello, i'm Mister Squeaky-Clean over here!!! people are dumb.

Miyazaki: in the 1984 coal-miners' strike in Wales, i was rooting for the striking miners. 

Brassed Off: ...

Miyazaki: did they win? no, miners never win, their jobs suck. now i'm all about my fleet of 12 electric Uber X limos in my parking lot in the forest. 

Miyazaki: children are inherently good. people are complaining that my protagonists are too goody-two-shoes, well consider the alternative: you want the main character to be BAD?!!! an evil kid as the main that everyone must root for? what folly. i wanted to kick that critic's ass like i should have done when i was a kid.

Miyazaki: i invented Retrofuturism and steampunk. disagree? i got Isaac Asimov and William Gibson on speed-dial. well Gibson on speed-dial, Asimov still uses the stem phone. 

Cloris Leachman: the greatest vocal performance in this film is ME as Dola. it takes a special woman to have that SCREECH to one's voice in a take-charge feminist big-babe mama-leader who'll kick men's asses by striking them down in the head with her HUGE TITS.

Laertus: this is starting out looking like an episode of 1967 Speed Racer...

Pazu: you were floating. do you remember the crystal breaking your fall?

Sheeta: unlimited clean energy and my eyes were closed?!!! i'm Sheeta.

Pazu: i can't call you shit. i feel like floating on air cos i'm in love with you!!! you're the first GIRL in our mountain village EVER!!!

Pazu: i'm gonna clear my father's name.

Sheeta: just get a lawyer. get Jacoby & Meyers.

Pazu: no lawyers yet, i think we're in Medieval times or something...

Pazu: Uncle Pom, are you crazy?

Uncle Pom: no, i just like to live in peace and quiet with no stress. are monks crazy? don't answer that. i talk to the walls and the walls talk back to me.

Sheeta: Pazu, your uncle is licking the cave again!!!

Uncle Pom: the Aetherium is tasting me in a certain direction.........yes yes i see her, my soulmate is named Madame Pons...

Sheeta: don't cry, Pazu, you ugly-cry.

James Van Der Beek: tis a scrape to the knee, i'll be okay. i did a GREAT voice with Pazu here, I should have won the award. i EMOTE so clearly, i have a KNOWING GLINT IN MY VOICE.

Anna Paquin: people can't understand my Sheeta. i have a strange GARBLED ACCENT, it's British but not quite, it's British but off...

Laertus: oh no, i can't do a GIANT ROBOT. i wasn't preparing for a robot of any kind in this picture, i've had my fill of Giant Robos forever after the EXHAUSTING GRIND it took for me to get through The Iron Giant.

Eye: i remember, you had to go to the hospital after.

Laertus: the only thing i can compare the pain of watching The Iron Giant to is being forced to watch ALL of the Adult Swim Yule Log...

Laertus cries massively on Eye Luggage's knee.

Eye: it's okay, babe, look, they're closing the fire door on top of the robot...

Dola: are my sons on the dole? of course, that's the only way to get them out of the house. i need an ARMY to fly this airship!!! 

Baloo: are you delivering pineapple in a lightning storm? why didn't TaleSpin have a movie in the theaters?...

Goliath: where's Gumby?

Dola: boys, marry a girl like Sheeta who will become me someday.

crew: all boys marry their mothers...

Sheeta: i know an ancient magic spell taught to me by my mother.

Muska: smart woman, all men are inherently evil.

Sheeta: if i recite it, it will spread evil all across the land.

Doryce: i'm likin' this girl!!!

Muska: what is it? how do you perform it?

Sheeta: it's The Crimp from Mighty Boosh, and that unleashes that long-winded Aristocrats dirty-joke story unto the world...

Dola's boys: we won't be much of a husband to you, but we can help you peel those potatoes into your Dutch oven, ma'am.

Sheeta: i just invented french fries. i'll make a great wife for Pazu.

Dola's sons: damn. but he did see her first...

Baloo: it's a lightning storm.

Sheeta: it's a thunderstorm.

Pazu: no it's a 2001: A Space Odyssey rainbow wormhole. this place is ACID-TRIPPY. sci-fi acid. why wasn't there a video game made of this film? Castlevania castle right here...

Giant Robot: i'm peaceful when humans aren't warring. Bambi the deer's mother sleeps in my stomach...   

Sheeta: go to the throne room!!!

Pazu: i don't need to take a caca.

Paul: i do. i get it now, the crystal is a KEY you slide into a.........triangular hole? man fuck these kids.

Sheeta: it's not a spell of destruction, it's a spell of DISTRACTION...

Muska: they're gaining on me!!! don't let them get away!!! they're making a run for it!!!

Dola: the Tree of Life will always grow again, even if it regrows in OUTER SPACE!!!

Terrence Malick: you want me to talk NOW?...

Dola: technology is bad, technology just complicates things, Nature is where it's at. did you get me those 10 cans of beans i asked for for dinner only for me? 

Miyazaki: Dola, will you marry me? g'night folks, give Dola and i some privacy...

Mr. Sandman: the Castle in the Sky main theme song by Joe Hisaishi is a sumptuously airy lullaby that lulls me to sleep each night. where i dream of '80s Robotech and planning my revenge on Glass Joe who stole my girl. i never intended for that pigeon to die in the ring...

Miyazaki: how can you have a bad main character?

Jonathan Swift: it's more like an antihero, like me, i'm a clergyman who CLEARLY drank too much and took pre-American Revolution acid.

Adam Driver: or like me. Kylo Ren eventually changes his ways.

Miyazaki: after he loses 100 pounds...

Miyazaki: you gotta admit, these ornithopters are FUCKNG RAD. imagine the fuselage of an airplane with two BIG-ASS DRAGONFLY WINGS FLAPPING THEIR FUCK OFF. 

DragonflyTV: we can't do this...

Miyazaki: slimy translucent rainbow dragonfly wings. World War II would have ended so very differently for Japan if we had ornithopters. they're living weapons. Leonardo Da Vinci may have created ornithopters but I POPULARIZED ORNITHOPTERS, you little bearded polymath pizza-eating bitch.

Genevieve Buechner: i play with LEGO ornithopters.

Hayao Miyazaki: Genevieve Buechner, will you marry me?...

TENNIS TWINS: KFC MNF

 

Kristian Connors: okay so do you want to finally learn the family tradition?

Connie Connors: it's not a monolith. you have your KFC and its sides but i got the BEST sides: curtido and ensalada from El Salvador.

Kris: i don't like salad. but Salvadoran salad is salivating, that salad intrigues and tempts me.

Connie: it's not salad, it's a drink.

Kris: i could go for a drink.

Connie: fruit drink.

Kris: oh. you really should eat more, sis. you gotta eat MEAT, girl, put some chicken on those bones.

Connie: yeah and choke on a chicken bone, no thank you.

Kris: so this is a thing with me now, EVERY Monday Night Football game i plop down in front of the TV with my bucket of KFC chicken, the bucket from the '80s. 

Connie: back then there was just chicken, no grilled chicken, no baked chicken, no nuggets, no wings, just greasy breaded chicken drumsticks.

Kris: very cartoon, very mom and dad.

Connie: mom and dad are gonna BUST yo ass.

Kris: and i'm ready to spend 3 hours on a Monday night vegetating to football.

Connie: so this isn't part of your tennis training?

Kris: oh i don't know, maybe, it's just fun to watch OTHERS sporting while i eat chicken. at 5PM the teams are announced, the opening kickoff, and by the end of the first quarter my mouth is at the level of the bottom of my bucket. most of the chicken is gone by this point.

Connie: no sauce?

Kris: i can't wait for sauce. by halftime those chunderheads Peyton and Eli are on and most of the food is pretty much done. the cole slaw and the mashed potatoes, all that's left is the biscuit, peas, and tiny-ass cut-into-one-sphere-slice corn on the cob. and the drink.

Connie: you haven't DRUNK anything yet?

Kris: i can't wait for drink.

Connie: Peyton and Eli are cute, the Manning Brothers remind me of my own brother, all three of you are goofy but only TWO get paid for it...

Ted Knight: we're only doing ONE fucking Christmas episode in 6 seasons on Too Close For Comfort, got it?!!!

Henry Rush: Gandalf was a good gangsta. but he didn't guffaw like me.

Henry Rush: what's so great about guys from L.A.?

Lydia Cornell: they're straight. that's a great line in the script.

Lucio Rossi, Avo Babian, and Thai Guy: we're straight.

Monroe Ficus: the Rush family is the only family that puts their Christmas cards on their front door...

Lydia Cornell: i went to Yale, right?

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: we all went to Yale. everyone in the '80s went to Yale...

Alex P. Keaton: ...

Jen R: the '80s, those frosted ball ornaments in rectangular Macy's boxes with the see-through golden-cellophane windows everyone had for their Christmas tree.

Karnov: and Russia hasn't changed AT ALL...

Rubikon: a black Santa Claus in 1982? REVOLUTIONARY.

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: Henry Rush's father, our grandpa, still has a little brown in HIS white hair...

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: yes, i was your scene partner in that acting class we took in Brentwood...

Lindy Lenz: do you turn your tires INTO THE CURB or OUT INTO THE CURB when you're parking on a hill?

Bruce Lee: omg are you really moving to San Francisco to be with me? 

Lindy: only if you get me an electric hovercar...

Andrew Rush: in the '80s there were a lot of episodes about family members suddenly going missing, a lot of BEING LOST in the '80s...

Andrew Rush: sister, warrior woman, come out to play...

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: Andrew, that doesn't mean what you think it means...

Andrew Rush: am i gonna stay a baby this whole series?...

Floyd County Productions dish-bitch blonde woman in greasy dirty white wifebeater shirt in the end-credits title card: Tai later in life...

Jim from The Head: as you're watching Season 2, you start to daydream. you imagine ALL the shows you watch continuing in perpetuity even if you've stopped watching them. Space Dandy is currently in Season 46, yeah, that show never stopped making new episodes...

Cheers: we're in Season 100.........Sam Malone still looks good for his age...

Young Elvira: how do i maintain my figure? ice skating...

babe: maybe you'll listen to me cos i'm a babe. you MUST dispose of your used oil properly or the sewers will get all gunked up and your house pipes will be backed up for years. don't dump your oil down the garbage disposal. compost your oil. or rub that oil all over my naked body when i do wrestling in the inflatable swimming pool in your backyard...

Boc: ANIMAL IN FRONT OF ME!!! shit that was scary. don't worry, beating heart, not a Dobermann Pinscher, a Poe crow. i feel better now...

Jen R: if it's 3 red hearts, it means the love of a friend, if it's ONE red heart, that's romantic love.

Mr. Belvedere: there wasn't ONE Thanksgiving episode!!! if there's ONE thing a British butler is there for it's to cook the Thanksgiving dinner!!!

Christopher Hewett: no food episode?!!!

Cotard: my favorite episode, of course, is "Heather's Monk".

Codrus: mine, too.........but for VERY different reasons...

Minster: Heather Owens was EVERYONE's first and only love...

Tracy Wells: EVERY television actress ends up selling real estate in Encino...

Cotard: wait was i supposed to bring the coating?...

Minster: the breading, like Christ's body.

Mason Rudolph: i'm the lead singer of Type O Negative...

The Greibble: '80s rain was just different, '80s rain was atmospheric...

Fuerza: no, that doesn't say Patrick, that says ICE PACK...

Boc: i'm beginning to realize that the only people out walking this early will ALWAYS have their dogs with them.........no dogs no dogs no dogs...

Thomas Merton: what's tomorrow? the day i shower...

Thomas Merton: the monk shower is FINALLY done. took 23 years to build...

Julie Patzwald: Westfield Fashion Square SUCKS!!! it will NEVER hold a candle to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Amy Heckerling wearing a Jackson Browne varsity jacket: no comparison.

there's a knock at the door.

Kris: that's a scary-ass knock.

Ear Horn: hello dearies. i see two relatives on the couch.

Connie: technically. we're sister and brother.

Ear: delivery from KFC!!!

Connie: you look so CUTE in your KFC chicken-striper uniform with the orange-and-yellow brown stripes.

Ear: that's cos i'm 1 foot tall. i brought the sauce in Aeon Flux glass ampoules with the '80s Pic-N-Save price-tag sticker as the stopper. you're just having sauce?

Connie: i gotta watch my figure. not for vanity, for something else.

Ear: you gotta eat more, dearie. chicken bones in my backpockets, friends.

Kris: Chris Berman's Fastest 3 Minutes is always the best part of the 3 and a half hours. 

Chris Berman: i went to Yale...

Kris: Chris, Chris Berman that is, comes on around 6:50PM or so as i'm chowing down on the plum that got caught in my biscuit, and wriggle out all the corn niblets stuck in my teeth.

Connie: nibs. corn nibs being a descriptor for tits.

Kris: and then the rest of the night is fumbles, PLEASE NO concussions or other catastrophes in the third quarter, and that final field goal at the end at 8:30PM. by the time that last peal of Pink Floyd church-bells rings, i'm scarfing and scraping away the last tiny half-pea swimming in a pool of gravy from the corner of my round styrofoam half-circle cylinder.

Pink Floyd: CATHEDRAL bells. a cylinder cut in half is still a cylinder. well maybe widthwise, not so much lengthwise.

Ear: like a tree trunk, dearies, showing its age with its rings, like me and the beauty rings on my vagina.

Pink Floyd: we don't know of football. we sing about stuff like money. the TV is PERSONALLY thanking you for watching MNF on ABC, quick, decipher those letters and g'night folks... 

 

 

 

THIS IS THE CLOSEST I'VE COME TO MCDONALD'S FRENCH FRIES ALL YEAR

 

notes:

* Jack Tripper: see the toast doesn't come with the chipped beef despite toast being on the cover of the frozen box. you gotta get your own bread. put that chipped beef on a BIG-ASS slice of Texas toast, my daddy's namesake. shit on a shingle is a San Diego ship specialty.

* Off The Air "Sex": smash a DJ cake with your bare foot and out comes a baby who smushes his facial expression when he first sees the world...

* Off The Air "Drugs"

Eric from Tim & Eric: no that was just me at the grocery store. i go to the grocery store once a year now ever since adult swim let me go... 

* Off The Air "Music": i'm on drugs. everyone sees a fan, but i didn't get into music for the fans. i got into music to construct this rotary fan into an electric guitar...

Thomas Merton: ...

* Off The Air "Farts"

Delilah Toot: eradicate the fear of death. laughter is your face's response that one day you're gonna die, and a fart is your butt laughing...

* Melissa Maker: it's not smoke and mirrors, it's vinegar...

Ear Horn: it's liquid smoke, dearie, people only use liquid smoke when they're cooking in the oven... 

* Too Close For Comfort.

Henry Rush: oh Muriel, you're a redhead and yet we have one brunette daughter and one blonde daughter, care to explain yourself?

Muriel Rush: what color was your hair before it went BRIGHT-AS-FUCK white?

Henry: plaid. ask Gandalf. and look under Merlin's robe.

Muriel: i rushed your fraternity, Henry. hey it's not my fault, buddy, didn't you go to bed with Diane?

Henry: from Cheers?

Muriel: from Rick and Morty. can i go out of the house today and take some photographs?

Henry: i guess. i'm a liberated '80s man.

Muriel: yeah that was the thing in the '80s, it was still a thing where the man worked and the woman stayed at home to raise the illegitimate daughters. it was QUITE REVOLUTIONARY for the woman to actually have a job of her own!!! photography IS a career, you fucking bastard.

Henry: there aren't any cute photographers out there, are there?

Muriel: just Robert Mapplethorpe.

Robert Mapplethorpe: you're a jackass, Henry Rush.

Muriel: one time Mappy and i went to bed inside a TINY TINY TINY shoebox-sized photomat in Ghirardelli Square. how do we have THIS MUCH MONEY with you just being a cartoonist?...

Henry: i bought this red duplex with the 18th-century phone THE DAY AFTER the San Francisco Earthquake...

* JM J. Bullock wearing Gallagher green-and-cream stripes for a shirt: Monroe Ficus is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo in real life...

* Captain Jean-Luc Picard: the BBC Studios, like all of Britain, is a series of cramped narrow alleyways...

Monroe Ficus: i squeezed in there to do Hollywood Squares...

Jean-Luc: GET MONROE FICUS OUTTA HERE!!! Monroe Ficus off my fucking bridge.

* Mr. Holland: no high-school music teacher can post a half-million $500,000 bond...

* PG&E: there was a major storm and the power didn't go out, THAT, my friends, is a Christmas miracle.

Jackie: food and sex...

* Boc: i see you, Poe crow. i hear you, cawcaw.

Paul: caca.

Boc: can you believe we STILL gotta wait ONE more week?!!! unbelievably there were no WATERDOGS this morning!!! this street is named after a dolphin, there's a tiny little tuna-company stone-mosaic circle mounted on the sewer grille as the plaque...

* Chandler Bing: you can't compare 6 with 666...

* Port Sunlight: the prettiest model village there ever will be, enameled circle plaques everywhere...

* Roger Federer: where do i get my crazy personality from? Madame de Meuron of course.

* Jen R: so i'm thinking if my backbone was jelly like that i could twist into some very unique sex positions. 

Aeon Flux: it's not worth it in the end.

me: i'll say. were you guys watching Boxing Helena when you were writing the ending of that episode?

Jen R: i've never seen the immigration debate laid out in such stark graphic detail like that before...

* Jen R: sleep divorce, we gotta talk about this.

me: THE ENTIRE POINT OF MY LIFE was to have you IN my bed.

* the band Travis: this was not what anyone wanted.........why does it always rain on football?...

* Naismith: the first basketball was a football!!!...

Kakashi: the invention of basketball was not an accident, it was created to fill a need. the boys simply would not play Drop the Bells...

* Doryce: i know you have a warm heart, dear.

Gladyce: aww that's sweet, how can you tell, dear?

Doryce: cos you just took out the trash and you're feeling warm, dear.

* 6-pack of stomach muscles: not for show, for health.

* Jen R: i don't think about sex anymore, i have a kid, i'm a mom.

me: fair point.

* Amazing Stories: in the '80s magicians with playing cards, Medieval Times silver rings, and rabbits were still a BIG DEAL.

Melissa Maker: dontcha love how in Canada we made the Government Building a Medieval Times?...

* Tiny Naylor's: if Pea Soup Andersen stole daddy's T-bird on the PCH...

* Sam Egan: Canadian actors really know how to play the asshole...

* Doryce: more and more old people today are having rough sex. here is why this is a problem...

Gladyce: no dear, the article says more and more YOUNG people today are having rough sex.

Doryce: oh.........wait but now the article doesn't make sense...

* Suzy Lu: the Coca-Cola truck is my Christmas tree.

Kakashi: getting my father back alive would be my Christmas tree.

* Gladyce: i mean it's very complicated to have a hot dog. you know? you need SO many items: the hot dog. the hot-dog bun, the ketchup, the mustard, the sour cream...

Doryce: not that hot dog.

Gladyce: you gotta make sure ALL FIVE items are replenished at all times or no dog.

* John Larroquette: sorry, Night Court ain't new tomorrow, your Comcast just made a typo...

* Doryce: head voice? when i squeak in pleasure.

Phil Anselmo: no it's not that, it's that metal baritone.

Freud: no it's when you ONLY hear MY voice in your head...

* Ear Horn: unlike ugly Christmas sweaters there are no such things as ugly Christmas mittens, you need mittens or you'll burn your hand in the oven.

* American Express.

daughter: aw mom, i don't wanna play tennis. i like basketball.

mom: that really sucks, daughter. try to see it from my perspective. tennis is an EASY sport, it's just the one racquet and you get ALL the money when you win. no team to split it with. you'll also never get a concussion.

Genie Bouchard: ...

daughter: also i'll end up a loner weirdo.

* Shaq: see there's my problem, i'm reading a book on giraffes, i need to be reading a book on the Monte Iberia eleuth.

* Jon Hamm completely naked in bed under black-and-white satin sheets: Christmas is for families. it's also the perfect time for an extramarital affair...

CLICK HERE FOR NEBULOUS WAITING

happy weekend, my babies. Christmas is in 3 days. i know, Christmas sucks, and it's in 3 days.

TOMORROW: the basket of fries is free only if there's a french-fries Christmas tree at your local McDonald's in its corner, helping it along in life...

THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE: SPY SINATRA

 

me: take me to church.

Jen R: can't. it's not Sunday. 

me: YOUR religion i will look into.

Jen R: if you don't join my church you can't have me. just kidding. Sunday spiritual, dancing with the Lord so the Lord solves all your problems, it's that sort of thing.

me: there is no prayer without dance, that's what the monks taught me.

me: where to?

Jen: right around the corner here, don't you love that everything is packed-in and wet? Westsider Books in NYC.

we get there and Allen Ginsberg is already causing a kerfuffle asked to leave for the third time this morning for chessing naked.

Allen Ginsberg: no matter what i do, i will NEVER be as cool as Jack Kerouac.

it's Jen and i on one side of the giant indoor pewter chess table in the middle of the cantilever bookstore and Ice Cube on the other.

Ice Cube: i'm already up 1-0 by looking at you, fool, i knocked down your king with my gang stinkeye. i'm Mister Steal Yo Queen.

Jen: wait, i gotta plan.

Jen switches the chess pieces with shot glasses of vodka. 

Jen: there, suddenly i see the board CLEARLY now. i checkmate Cube in 999 seconds flat!!!

Ice Cube: no fair, i can't switch em with bottles of 40 cos they're too big...

Jen: 40 ounce to pounce, my nigga, next time try your hand and middle finger at Drinkopoly...

buttertoes: Doryce's toes on Thursdays...

buttertoes: when Orville Redenbacher tried BDSM...

George Clooney: tomatoes in space will never deflate...

toastery: where the oldest Mortal Kombat arcade cabinet is being stored for ransom...

tea: it calms your spirit body down, too.

spirit body: those mulled leaves soothe my upset depressed sick swirly gut...

tea: it's a middle drink. cuppa at 3PM or 4PM...

Iceland volcano: don't worry, this wasn't the perceived mushroom cloud...

teachers: hunger in America. we REALLY don't pay teachers enough. most depressing commercial OF ALL TIME.

Julie Patzwald: if we're gonna form a goth band the drummer's name has to be Noodlebox...

Kurt Cobain: i would have stayed if i had known plaid cake would be a thing in the future...

Fuerza: it's not a halo, it's a Brocken spectre, a glory, backscatter...

Nancy Dussault: you've become part of the unwashed masses of X formerly known as Twitter? i am SO disappointed in you, Monroe.

Monroe Ficus: sorry, Mrs. Rush...

me: Nancy Dussault was ALMOST related to me, almost my aunt...

Too Close For Comfort red house: i always thought that was where Clifford the Big Red Dog lived...

Jen Pizarro: when i watch Diane on Rick and Morty, i start to get the shakes...

Eye Luggage: The Manchurian Candidate and go.

Laertus: i came in SIX minutes after this picture started in the theater and i know what it's about and i ain't telling!!! there's been stuff like this before but i can't quite put my finger on it...

Frank Sinatra: why was i paid a king's ransom to do this? why was i paid more than the entire landlocked nation of Switzerland is worth?

Roger Federer: hey man don't bring that up again, it's not cool, we're still smarting over that.

Sinatra: i mean my acting here is OKAY but it's not anything special, nothing earth-shattering, nothing revelatory. i mean there's a reason i'm a DAMN SINGER...

Eye: babe, do you remember?

Laertus: no. i only remember Nelson Mandela is my father.

Eye: good. Nelson Mandela is EVERYONE's father. as long as you remember our love.

Laertus: i could NEVER forget us.

Takahashi: brainwashing as a word and a concept, this film really invented that.

Snoop Dogg: before 1962 those minds were DIRTY, boy. our parents really lived it up WITHOUT the sticky icky.

Dirg: Snoop on the Stoop?

Snoop: don't try to be cool, blood, you ain't no cuzz of mine.

Laertus: i mean it's crazy to think this was released IN THE MIDDLE OF the Cuban Missile Crisis!!! i don't know if this film HELPED things or EXACERBATED tensions.

JFK: i'll let you know in 40 years...

captured USA Army platoon: are we going to that MASH unit? 

communists: sure sure whatever you say. we'll even include the ****.

Laertus: come on, i mean the Soviets AND the Chinese are working together? that would never go down in real life, those two nations are WAY too massive to be anything but their own island of isolated power.

Takahashi: the Soviets and the Chinese do not get along, and poor Japan is always caught in the middle. Japan just wants to be a U.S. state, can we replace Montana?

Laurence Harvey: i'm American but i have a strange British accent. i'm not a spy. wait am i the guy with the imaginary rabbit?

Laurence Harvey: for fuck sake why didn't i play John Lennon? i was BORN with the Beatles moptop!!!

Khigh Dhiegh: we stole your teddy bear cos we know you're a Teddy Boy. we knew that would hurt you the most.

Sinatra: Shaw should get the Medal of Honor for valor, only TWO men were killed on his watch. he's the NICEST guy in the world even though all his men, including me, hated him. we all wanted him discharged to desk duty. don't worry, the Medal of Honor means nothing, it's like the Space Force.

Angela Lansbury: are you brainwashed?

Sinatra: not yet.

Alexandra Silber: ...

Angela Lansbury: i'm Eleanor Roosevelt Iselin.........it's one of those things where whatever political party i belong to i'm such an outsize personality that you start to side with my views...

Shaw: not all loners are universally hated, take Kurt Cobain for example...

Shaw: wait is this the garden party? i forgot to bring my arugula.

communists: wait why are we doing all this on an open Broadway stage? shouldn't we be conducting these experiments in secret rooms?

Natalie Schafer: i will be your brainwasher uh radish hen for today's session...

soldiers: LOVEY HOWELL III!!! YOU are the babe we love, the other two girls on the island are too young for us...

Sinatra on the couch: doc i've been having these horrible night terrors. you gotta make the nightmares stop, i'm afraid to go to sleep. i wake up in a cold sweat with my heart in my throat.

Freud: no my friend, those aren't cold sweats, those are HOT sweats, you're having a sex dream about a VERY VERY VERY HOT BLONDE who'll come into your life later. she's a mystery blonde...

Alfred Hitchcock: ...

Alfred Hitchcock: you haven't met all the people who will love you...

Kurt: believe The Melvins, without the Melvins there is no Nirvana...

Shaw: oh yeah i remember now, i'm a sleeper agent. i'm good at making knots though i know not what for. i have this rad handkerchief collection...

Leslie Parrish: wanna fuck in my daddy's bed?

Shaw: no dear, i want to SLEEP.

Yen Lo: yo. kay? hi. dig?

Shaw: solitaire is too boring, can we make it Hearts or Cribbage?

Yen Lo: yeah it's just those little tiny cribbage pegs are a bitch to get through the airport.

Angela Lansbury: Communists have infiltrated into the Defense Department.

JFK: how do you know?

Angela: don't you watch my show? i'm a world-class detective. 

JFK: that's only when the hardware store in Maine is robbed...

Sinatra: this is my private jet........that's Puffy Daddy's Courvoisier.

Shaw: i've gotten a job with Holborn Gaines. with a name like Holborn he has to be good.

Holborn Gaines: don't kill me, boy, i publish MAD Magazine. i stood up for you when your mother wanted you killed.

Angela Lansbury: murdered. 

Holborn: aren't we fellow-traveler leftists?

Shaw: yes but i'm brainwashed by the right, in the grand global scheme of things this makes sense... 

Holborn: when i'm gone you can have my pink bed jacket.

Angela: pinko.

Chunjin: i need work. times are tough.

Shaw: aren't you a Street Fighter? that arcade cabinet video game.

Chunjin: i'll be your valet but i don't do Green Hornet shit.

Shaw: that's va-LETT. i want dinner each day at 12 noon. what's your specialty?

Chunjin: granola, you little bitch.

Sinatra: are you ready for these fists? these feet? you ready to get ROCKED by my Sinatra Kung Fu?

Chunjin: i learned from the old masters. i learned from Regular Show's Mordecai at mall karate.

Janet Leigh: howdy stranger.

Sinatra: i mean DAMN you look good, woman. is this the best Janet Leigh has EVER looked?

Hitchcock: she smelled in my shower.

Sinatra: hold me.

Janet Leigh: anything you say, sport.

Sinatra: steady me, keep me upright, i get seasick and vomit on trains...

Janet Leigh: does one of the cars on this train have a shower?

Sinatra: you shouldn't take a shower. ever again. i'll wear the vomit on my shirt like a badge of honor.

Janet Leigh: you know where this train is heading, doncha?

Sinatra: i know i know, Delaware, Joe Biden is about to become President...

Sinatra: thanks for bailing me out, kid.

Janet Leigh: one of your Vegas shows should cover the cost of one NYC taxicab fare. want me to suck your black eye out?

Sinatra: your face tells me you've made an ill-advised life-altering decision suddenly...

Janet Leigh: i went up to my fiance and told him Frank Sinatra fell on my lap on a train so the engagement is off.

Sinatra: yeah i heard about Tony Curtis, he dumped you like yesterday's sack of potatoes. how you holding up?

Janet Leigh: THESE are literally the divorce papers i'm holding in my hand in front of you right before your blue eyes. Tony Curtis is a fucking bastard.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Ensure was the formula in my bottle when i was a baby...

Leslie Parrish: i got some Spalding Gray penicillin for that snakebite.

Shaw: i only do Jewish penicillin, chicken soup. suck the poison out, place your mouth on my ankle. you ride your bicycle in your panties?

Shaw: loving the log cabin here. Wings of Evangelion where the hunting head should be mounted, nice Illuminati touch. 

Shaw: those were the best days of my life. why did they have to end? all i did was eat, watch television, and fuck Jocelyn in her daddy's bed. why is summer only three months?...

Sinatra: what color will our kitchenette be?

Janet Leigh: eggshell blue. but we've only been dating for a week.

Sinatra: how many kids will we have and what are their names?

Janet: two, one boy, one girl, both named Jamie. don't you wish life was this way and this fast?

Sinatra: announce the banns of marriage.

Janet: the only ban i have is a chastity belt. i'm blonde so obviously i'm an atheist.

Sinatra: Clytemnestra...

Shaw: that restaurant in Big Sur?...

Sinatra: like my old book collection? NYC has ALL the books, kid...

wallet-pics exchange.

Sinatra: she's cute, she looks like my gal but 30 years younger.

Janet Leigh: man, fuck you.

Shaw: do Buddhists celebrate Christmas?

Kristian: KFC.

Sinatra: they celebrate the Winter Solstice like we all do, The Longest Night, we're all gonna die. is this liqueur lemon?

Shaw: that's chocolate milk.

Eye: okay i mean the one thing i was NOT expecting from this film was a COSTUME PARTY.

Laertus: i know, right? Abraham Lincoln? Republicans still have no IDEA what Lincoln actually stood for!!!

Angela Lansbury: my husband's not a useful idiot, he's a bumbling idiot. i shoulda been the Queen of HEARTS...

Shaw: i mean you come dressed as a GIANT PLAYING CARD of the Queen of Diamonds. isn't that a bit on the nose?

Leslie Parrish: how'd you find out about my nose job? i've been studying the concept of the Buddhist soulmate down in Woodland Hills.

Shaw: and what did you find?

Leslie: there's no such thing. what have you been doing all this time?

Shaw: i joined the ACLU.........the first year of the ACLU...

Angela: no woman's good enough for my son!!! son i want you to enter the Jordan brownstone, take out his milk from his refrigerator, and make sure that carton of milk is SOUR, boy.

George Bush: all this to become Vice President? not worth it.

Marshall Applewhite: how are you going to deprogram him? a forced deck of 52 Queen of Diamonds?

Sinatra: one better, a deck of 52 UNO cards with the bubblegum smell intact.

Sinatra: you are gonna NOT assassinate the president. i command it. do as i say. this is like that ONE acting class i took...

Angela Lansbury: i'm kissing you in an incestuous way. get it, son?

Shaw: moms can kiss their sons on the lips, but they should never use tongue.

Codrus: this is really giving priests a bad name.

Cotard: this is looking like Looking for Mr. Goodbar...

Robert Redford: and The Natural...

Shaw: scope the bitch. oh shit i packed my WATERGUN instead!!! dang it, i wasn't planning on continuing, what am i gonna do now?

Sinatra: become a lounge singer like Sid Caesar...

Jeff Van Gundy at Madison Square Garden: i get it, the Knicks suck, you didn't have to rub it in like that. g'night folks.

Jeff Van Gundy: oh and go to my Go Fund Me Van Gundy.

Janet Leigh: want some milt in your morning mourning cornmeal oatmeal?

Sinatra: that's not going in our kitchenette.

Khigh Dhiegh: i look cool. i can only look this cool with a bald head.

Madame Spivy: i'm Madame Pons's mom. i conjured up Marie Dressler in an Eastern European circus tent in 1868. i create Nintendo enemies for a living...

Timothy Leary: the Cold War sucked, we needed drugs to escape. it's not mind control, it's brainwashing for the good, with psychedelics you're fighting the war in Heaven instead of Vietnam. it's not about Right or Left, it's about autonomy, i take Orange Sunshine for my continence. could a Manchurian candidate happen today? it already has, it's a scary world out there, Lee Harvey Oswald is still alive. the only incorruptible human being left on Earth is Jim Henson. you can NOT corrupt Jim Henson, he's the nicest fellow you'll ever meet.