Friday, July 1, 2022




* a vintage 1980s Burger King was discovered behind a wall at a Wilmington, Delaware mall. the Concord. concrete walls obviously. the purple and aquamarine led investigators to first suspect it was a vintage 1980s Taco Bell...

SPOLIERS, read no further: THIS Burger King is the location of the Upside Down. you finally figured it out. this is where Stranger Things has been filmed the whole time, the secret set location, especially when they needed to rush Season 4 to make the bookoo Netflix bucks so they added that fucked-up horror element. 

i want to live at this newly-found Burger King, i want to taste the food there, i'm sure the fries are seasoned by now...

* Wimbledon: where the grass is damp but not the spirits

* Arash: i don't have a rash.

* Alison Riske: i took a risk in life. i gambled in love not in tennis fixing matches and it FUCKING PAID OFF!!! this little small-town Southern girl went out into the great big wide world and MADE IT!!! and i became a princess. that's the key, to marry into royalty. i didn't marry a man, i married THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF INDIA!!!

* humans: we should all band together and solve the climate crisis.
Supreme Court: not so fast...
humans: why are we so goddamn dumb and stupid?

* night monkeys: leave us alone. leave us be. we're not hurting anybody. all we're doing is practicing with our college band Inviolatus and playing video games all night long. that Zelda game with the house with the grey-tiled floor...
Greykid: silver-tiled...

* Erol's Video Club: we have TWO stores in Bend, Oregon...

* Margaret Keane: my ex-husband did NOT have a sore shoulder during the trial in the People's Court with Judge Wapner. DH Lawrence was my first perfume. never marry cowboys and plagiarists. i am responsible for The Powerpuff Girls, the GOOD '90s one. look into my Big Third Eye, i've seen death...

* Elmo: wait, i'm supposed to be 3 YEARS OLD?!!! i am one hell of a PRECOCIOUS three-year-old!!! i'm moving away from Sesame Street to live in a small country, small nations are better, big large countries are too unwieldy, too unmanageable, impossible to govern effectively...

* Pepsi glass 2-liter bottle: we give great neck.

* Richard Gere: look at me up here on stage, Anderson Cooper, follow your bent, and you are bent, go to the top of your bent and realize...

* Michael Weiss: you don't know me. and i don't know you. why are you so DESPERATE to be friends with me? to follow me. to DM me. we are complete strangers. followers are not friends. we are but two clout sharks passing in the the bloody night waters. chasing clout, skirt, and skirt steak. i don't fit into any group in the world, it's always just been me here floating all alone along a piece of fluff in time and i don't fit into any Instagram group, either...

* Ons Jabeur: i'm the female Roger Federer.

* Jon Batiste: HEY!!! look at me!!! i'm doing '80s stuff in this Amazon ad!!! very apropos for this week. hey, why is Prime Day just July 12-13?
Boc: Pride Day should be Pride Yearlong.
Elon Musk: when i buy Amazon, Prime Day will be at least 3 days.

* Kiss at Applebee's: you know, the whole makeup thing.........was a mistake, we were never taken seriously, we just wanted to be noticed, four bald-faced dudes playing good soulful rock music...

* Trivago: when you need to check out.........not like that, not like a room at the Hotel California or anything...

* Taco Bell
woman: the Charlotte Crunchers? why is every baseball or women's softball team from the South? 
man: i'm a modern man, i want women to play baseball.
woman: what is Madonna's best role? and you can't say A League of Their Own, that's too easy.
man: um, Madonna's early '80s music? her dance-club phase?
woman: wow that's correct!!! 
man: kiss? date?
woman: no. sorry. there's a vintage 1980s Taco Bell i need to visit. who knew there were Taco Bells in the South?

* Olive Garden: at Olive Garden, we kinda OBSESS over alfredo. look at that pour-shot of that gooey hot white edible glue. it's good practice for your wedding night. Olive Garden, we're all family here. and we help you make a family here.

* Little Caesars
boy: it's summer camp so we have to wear white T-shirts and rubber bands for braces in our mouths.
girl: in our moufs? what's your favorite pizza topping? you better say marshmallows.
boy: it's summer camp at night by a fire, there will be monsters.
girl: the only monsters are inside you. you will never get inside me.
boy: but our love will last forever, not 3 months...
girl: no, our love is like this thin-crust pizza.........why does anybody order thin-crust pizza it's TOO LITTLE FOOD!!!

couple: we love the neighborhood, but there's all that hammering.........not the Thors, sex.
Thor: why do i have to get naked?
husband: i got the rough cereal you asked for.
wife: rough cereal?
husband: Bran Bran for your poo problem, remember at church?
Mjolnir: you shall get your fake news through the INTERNET not a newspaper!!!

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: is vinegar worth it? is it worth it to go all the way down to Sand City with all those white tall buildings that reflect the 100-degree heat just to try Jimmy Johns cos they have oil-and-water VINEGAR on their subs? looks like it's KFC, the Jack Harlow meal. i don't particularly like Jack Harlow but i'm curious, i'm intrigued what they taste like, those fries with the secret special seasoning...

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