Monday, May 2, 2022



1. if you could see two things change about your significant other what would they be?

i want her to be kinder to herself. also no pressure but it would be cool if she worked at 7-ELEVEN cos then instead of going to the beach we could just lie naked on those metal hotdog rollers all summer. that would be metal. no sunscreen required, only mustard. 

and back home we could bathe naked together in one of those ornate tiny gold French tubs filled with Frozen Coke...

2. what are two things you forgot to celebrate last year? Christmas and Easter. not a good look for a monk.

3. are you and your significant other both good at apologizing?

yes, we have to be or we would never have sex. all sex is makeup sex. i opt for the Costco flowers, she usually goes for something a bit more expensive, say a French sojourn excursion involving winetasting on bicycles, fedoras, hangar longcoats, azalea and rhododendron, and one rhinoceros. all this so she can always have this line in her backpocket if we ever break up or she visits her mother in Colorado or she goes to Costco:

we'll always have Paris

4. what would you not admit on a first date? that we were on a first date

5. is rebound sex empowering? absolutely!!! especially when done in a racquetball court. with those large long panes of clear glass on all four corners so everyone at the YMCA after their workout can be sweaty as they watch the fucking between two sweaty racquetballers inside the racquetball court and get sweaty.

we're both completely nude but we are both wearing racquetball headbands...

BONUS: how do you mend a broken heart?

with the Bee Gees song "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" playing in the background in Vegas one night only, i get back together with Jen Pizarro...

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