notes:
* Mardith: so Face Yoga. but is it just cosmetic or is it actually therapeutic? weirdly, the Buddha Face pose looks more sexual than the Lion Face pose...
* Gladyce: Funyuns. there were NO CIRCLES in my Funyuns bag!!! they're all just crushed half-circles!!!
* Melissa and Chad at church and synagogue: *singing* "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Canada..."
* Maria Wolf at a con: hi.
Maiara Walsh: mother? is that you? really you? i've finally FOUND YOU!!!
Maria: hush, cub.
Maiara: i KNEW i was descended from a comic-book artist and a wolf spirit...
Maria: colorist. inkist. everything.
* The Velvet Queen: that's me, Mardith!!!
* Rocky Marciano: i actually DID lose once. my first amateur fight, i was losing so i kneed my opponent in the groin and got disqualified, that doesn't count, right?...
* Doryce looking at the posters outside: come into the factories?
Gladyce: it's not what you think, dear. we are women-of-Britain-passing, we could pass for women of Britain.
Doryce: Rosie the Riveter was a great goddess for us to worship, i knew her personally, she was my best friend. a crone's crone. a witch's witch. a real mensch.
Gladyce: now i'm jealous.
Doryce: i always get the merchant navy confused with the munchkin navy...
* Roger Federer: what is this? Wimbledon stripped of ranking points? Russian and Belarussian tennis players banned? me? but i haven't been in the news for 2 years!!! why do tennis players have so much power anyway?...
* Kyle Mooney: so do you want to have a baby with me?
Cecily Strong: UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....................let's wait till that pallet of baby formula comes in.
* Dirg: Mardith, you're too angry to be a life coach...
* Arby's: why is our Pecan Chicken Sandwich with Grapes so special? we toss the chicken inside our Kool Aid ladle...
* Popeyes Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwich: the giant chicken in the centre of that sandwich looks like an orange waterfall...
* David Attenborough: i apologize to my legion fans spread around the globe. but i had to do the voiceover to Discovery Plus's "Love In The Jungle". i do not understand reality tv, i do nature shows. not enough people staring at pink elephants on tv, wasn't paying the bills, nobody watched it...
* Buick: it's an Alexa.
Alexa: it's a Buick. wait, that's a paradox, we machines don't do well with paradoxes...
* Verizon
man: i'm not Sterling K. Brown...
Sterling K. Brown: Kelby...
* Progressive Jurassic Park
Flo: why does everyone run away when they see me? do i have one of those faces?
Jamie: no, you're pretty, Flo. just not as pretty as me.
Flo: i'm not scared of these dinosaurs,
Jamie: me neither. but what's up with all this smoke? it's the SMOKE at a drive-in theatre that's unexplained...
* American Express: you know that show i was telling you about? yeah the one with that girl i saw at the concert but never talked to. is it weird that the first selfie of us is underwater in some rando's pool? Mucha Lucha stands for Much Lunch, it has nothing to do with Mexican wrestling. don't call someone hot unless you're willing to stick jalapeno peppers in their mouth. when is that Skins reboot happening? why are the mosquitoes drinking MY blood instead of the roasted marshmallow's blood? there's an amorphous quality to trying to explain an experience to someone who wasn't there. i guess you had to be there. Member When? get it? are you a member? Jerry Seinfeld's still a member. American Express: we're here for you writers...
* Donald Faison: how'd you get in my house?
Zach Braff: there's a cool pool here. i'm thinking of redoing that scene from Garden State...
Donald Faison: this really should be a commercial for Ring security...
* Best Buy: our Teen Tech Centers preserve our culture and raise the next generation of creators. Kanye is locked out of our building and will never be one of our mentors. also, you can get Pepsi Nitro here...
* GilletteLabs: get a Quicksilver face with our razor...
* FanDuel Sportsbook: parlay.
me: sounds like a French dish, like a crepe. i would never watch a sporting event i had bet on, i'd be too nerveracking, i'd be nervous and pacing round my tiny room all night. can you imagine the pressure? suddenly it's not just a game. suddenly it's not just the ATHLETES who are trying to win, it's me trying to win sweating a bucket and a thermos for each missed shot, errant pass, flagrant foul.
nothing matters anymore. the Kentucky Derby winner won't race in the Preakness. so nothing matters. like Absurdism. Camus hated horseracing more than boxing. no more story to report here, folks. i want to get that new Chicken Sandwich from Panera but i do NOT want to go to Sand City. ever again. i really gotta try out that delivery app one day, i'm scared it's gonna take my life savings if i push the wrong red button...
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