a hush comes over the Ed Sullivan Theatre. and then: THE BEATLES!!!
the crowd goes FUCKING WILD.
JFK steps onto the stage. he gets applause, too, but it's not as loud not as raucous.
JFK shakes every ONE of those British hands.
JFK: an absolute PLEASURE to finally meet all you!!!! hey can i fill in as drummer tonight? i was a drummer in college, i was in a band at Harvard, i slapped a bongo once with my palm with Matty McC at Princeton.
John Lennon: sure, mate!!! we LOVE what you're doing with the world!!! we approve, you need to keep going, do this stuff FOREVER.
JFK: tell me about it. that's the first "keep going" in recorded internet history. the CIA keeps track of that stuff. it must be so cool to be a drummer with you guys for a short stint. so sad about Ringo getting covid like that. before we start let me have a word with Faul.
Paul McCartney: hello, it's me. i am Faul.
JFK: hey buddy, i feel ya, you know? i know what it's like when the whole world thinks it's a conspiracy and you're alive when you're supposed to be dead.
Paul: thankfully the conspiracy theorists are still kept on the fringes in this time.
John Lennon: we just want your country to feel better after all America has been through this past year.
JFK: it's ALWAYS a good time for some Beatles!!! let's surprise the audience, let's not do "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", let's play your first song. what was your first song again?
George: "Besame Mucho". KISS me, JFK!!!
Enrique Iglesias: ...
John: i love how "The End" is the last Beatles song, that's so fitting.
Jim Morrison: ...
Paul: can we play my Christmas song?
i'm in a scene with Cirra. it's being recorded. it's being filmed. for work. i'm fucking her from behind, it feels pleasurable but it's also starting to stale.
me: i don't know what's wrong with me tonight, babe, sorry. i'm not thrusting as juicily as i usually do.
Cirra turns around with her red face to look at me angrily giving me the seductress staredown as the stagehands spritz water on her face from a bottle to simulate a sweaty sex face.
Cirra: TRY. TRY HARDER.
every time Cirra yells at me i immediately turn away and don't look at her to protect myself from her verbal shrapnel.
me: i'm just another animal.
the director yells cut and we do another retake.
Cirra: so we don't do a reshoot, numbnuts?!!!
me: right. i'm concentrating.........but i can't cum.
me: it's me tho. remember? it's me. not those other guys, not any other guys.
Cirra softens.
Cirra: i know. it's me tho, that's so comforting, that soothes my soul, calms me down. magic-elixir words. you offer me the ultimate reassurance.
Cirra: i know what'll help. this ALWAYS works.
Cirra turns around to smolder my eyes with her thousand-universe stare with those exotic orange leopardess eyes of hers. i can't turn away, i am transfixed by them. affixed to her ancestry. hypnotized to a heathen.
BUT i don't see Cirra anymore, i see JEN!!!
me: Jen Pizarro. the buoyant blue eyes of Jen have crash-wave landed across the opulent orange eyes of Cirra.
suddenly i start doggy-styling it like there's no tomorrow. like i like it, like i MEAN it. the sweat is REAL. i pound that butt into submission, make that peach a smushed jellyroll.
Cirra: damn. well okay we got the scene, my butt is soaked. but i am disappoint. my Intense Eye Contact ALWAYS works. on mere mortals. people don't see the real me cept you, everyone thinks i'm a heel but i'm a face.
me: i'm no god, i'm obsessed.
Madame Pons: Bathcult? forest soap? ritual oil? LUSH did all that stuff years ago...
Jossara Jinaro: fuck this ER curse...
Debra Winger bites Michael Douglas in the tush.
Michael Douglas: you're at the Romancing The Stone audition, remember?
Debra Winger: oh i thought this was for Interview With The Vampire.
at Golden Con
Doryce: so there are these 6 eggs.
Sophia Petrillo: don't waste my time, i'm old.
Doryce: you break 2 eggs, cook 2 fried eggs by eating them in my fiery mouth, and...
Sophia: stick the remaining 2 eggs up your butthole.
Doryce: how many eggs do you have left?
Sophia: enough to make an omelet at Denny's.
Doryce: the answer is 6 eggs. i said i had 6 eggs at the beginning, nothing that comes after matters.
Sophia slaps Doryce across the face.
Sophia: faze, bitch. about the face. I WILL-SMITH'D YOUR ASS!!! by my Dorothy Zbornak i Will-Smith'd her!!! i don't need Security, i Will-Smith'd her.
Gladyce picks Doryce up and goes home.
Gladyce: i get it, dear. the eggs thing. the eggs. it's a philosophical pick-me-up. it's like if you hit a ball in pool with a cue, how do we know it was the cue that made the ball move?
Doryce, dazed and holding up her pointing finger: always bet on black. 8-ball in the corner pocket...
at Regular Con
Obito: all these green-tea-colored crystals on my body? i'm a Steven Universe cosplayer, what can i say?
Laraine Newman on the Comic Con stage as Barbra Streisand: that was the first time the word "sucks" was ever sung...
Laraine Newman: wasn't that brilliant casting to have ME play an emaciated Howard Hughes?!!!
Bill Murray: stroke of genius. i'm stroking.
Bill Murray: and now from Red Rocket, Charles Rocket!!!
Charles Rocket: everybody has a rusty tin can of trauma that would come spilling out forever. one compliment, ONE compliment is all it takes. the slightest compliment is an electric can-opener.
Gladyce: in order that i not lose them again, i keep the Treehouse keys, my nail clippers, and the champagne bottle-opener in a tiny teacup...
potcake: i'm a dog that's high.........on sugar.
For Squirrels: the thing that makes us tear up the most from the "Mighty K.C." music video is.........the pickles. all those jars of sour pickles, green pickles and orange pickles, long pickles and long pickles, make our eyes well up with red-green itchy scratchy tears.
Subrosa: ...
For Squirrels: we tear up and cry, and tear shit up in our dressing room. over the unfairness of life.
van culture of the '70s: our greatest god remains Steven Universe's dad.
Steven Universe's dad: in the '70s you could only play your acoustic guitar on the roof of a van with a unicorn on the sliding door. nowadays you newfangled kids have electric cars so you can play your electric guitars on top of your vans.
Dirg: why does Becky G wear mom jeans to her Xfinity Mobile commercials?...
do the next right thing: a Spike Lee joint
The Abyss at St. Cyril's Catholic church in Encino.
The Abyss: that dialogue tho:
man: god i hate that bitch.
other man: you probably shouldn't have married her then.
that is truly one of the strangest conversations in cinema history.........it gets more bizarre the more you think about it.
James Cameron: hey can i do this movie over again but this time for all the underwater stuff we use holy water...
The Bob's Burgers Movie: we wanted to be Rated R.........just to see how that would have worked.
Ginger: my face? i look like Jim Henson's wife...
John McEnroe: I WANT TO HOST SNL!!!
Andy Roddick: you already did. you don't remember? my SNL show was really YOUR SNL show...
Patti Smith: for the last time i didn't fuck John McEnroe!!! i didn't pose with John McEnroe for black-and-white nude gay BDSM shots...
Jennifer Connelly: i finally joined Instagram.
Paul Bettany: this is NOT THE RIGHT TIME...
Mardith: it's just that now it seems that wearing a mask isn't "cool" anymore...
Laertus: great. here comes the good ol' bullying days of yore returning.
Dirg: lazy enchilada?
Mardith wearing Pucci frames: HOW DARE YOU!!! just kidding, that's what my dish that i cooked for all of us tonight around the dinner table is actually called. Dirg, kindly get up from the table, clear your setting, remove your place, and leave. i'm 1/4 Mexican, you know.
Dirg: great.
Pucci frames: opera monocle
Mardith: i wanted to be conservationist so badly, i threw the big bottle of Listerine mouthwash in the recycling bin, now i don't have a way to refill.
Doryce: those plastic Listerine bottles are too Gen Z. Listerine needs to always be IN GLASS!!!
Stephen A. Smith: i MANIFESTED my life, bitches!!! i got rid of Max Kellerman cos he was competition for Molly Qerim...
Molly Qerim: i do have a thing for soap-opera actors...
the two Kurts
Cobain: oh well, whatever, nevermind.
Vonnegut: oh well, so it goes, nevermind.
Rumi tank: perfect for wearing at a field...
the crones at The Bagel Bakery at Golden Con.
Doryce, sucking: FUCK!!! FUCK THIS!!! FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT SUCK THIS TARO BOBA DRINK THROUGH THE STRAW TO MY MOUTH!!!
Gladyce: a tiny boba ball is lodged inside the straw, dear.
Doryce: a straw is the WORST THING EVER to use to drink a boba!!!!!!!!!
hardscape: a video-game landscape...
SpaRitual: we love our wordplay, but LUSH is still more spiritual than us.
Madame Pons: thank you.
Cotard: there's a LUSH in Vatican City...
Greykid: hey man, not cool. putting spikes in the soil pot of the plant. that's just mean. cats think ALL plants are catnip, we HAVE to jump on top of them.
Weird Al Yankovic: does there really need to be a Roku biography movie of me starring Harry Potter? my private life was completely noncontroversial.
teratorn: birds aren't real. but i am.
Laertus's dad: don't blog that you have nothing to blog.
Michael Weiss with a moptop: same goes for Instagram.
Doryce and Gladyce: we were the ORIGINAL coastal grandmothers!!!
harissa spaghetti: it'll harass your taste buds.........in a good way.
Drew Barrymore: i add Reese's Pieces to my harissa spaghetti but that's optional of course, you do what feels right.
E.T., slurping: that's not bad! the sweet counters the spice.
Drew: hey E.T., i love you but i'm not a little girl anymore. where were you when i needed you, when i was hosting SNL at age 7 with a bunch of seedy adults?
E.T.: i had to go home. take care of a few things. luckily Tim Kazurinsky was a good guy.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Red Rocket: not about any NASA space-program conspiracies...
Eye Luggage: Brigsby Bear and go.
Cecily Strong: Kyle, i need you to say two words for me right now in front of me or this relationship is cooked, finito, gone, dashed, dunzo, nullified under codified law, kaput, capisce?
Kyle Mooney: Restore Roe.
Laertus's dad: okay this is the thing, this is what i keep telling you, son.
Laertus: what, pop.
Laertus's dad: if you want to make a movie, it's not enough to have your little bunch of friends who fill the roles and you film it all on three rolls of Kodak film and put it in a small cylindrical case. you need MONEY. you need a STUDIO backing you, a studio banking you, studio billions behind you or you won't get anywhere.
Kyle Mooney: Mooney, money. i know, i mean how did i, me, little ol' Kyle Mooney from the block get Luke Fucking Skywalker to be in my movie?!!! answer: i know Lorne Michaels. or rather Lorne Michaels knows me.
Mark Hamill: so they obviously got me because i am THE symbol of nostalgia fandom. i am every mother's worst nightmare when she learns her son who had potential to be a politician became an incel instead. hey i watched Star Wars as a kid, too, but i wasn't OBSESSED with it. hey who's my date for the red carpet tonight? is it Sheryl Crow or Jewel? i always get those two broads mixed up. you know that wordless slap Will Smith dealt Chris Rock just SICKENED me. worst Oscars moment EVER. i signed a petition to NOT make the official entry of the incident on Wikipedia entitled The Slap Heard Round The World.
Otohime: ...
Brigsby Bear: i'm Teddy Ruxpin. but lifesize. my shirt has the Zelda-Link triforce triangle but upside-down.
Illuminati: we're scared of that triangle. this movie was too creepy EVEN FOR US.
Kyle: this movie is a homage to what i did in real life, how i made weird indie VHS movies in the backyard using a Bob Saget videorecorder with my home-movies homeboys, my burnout friends from school.
Kyle's mom: from Sherman Oaks High. Sherman Oaks High vibes.
Kyle: yes we did talk about Christina Aguilera in my treehouse. why do i OBSESS about the '80s so much?
Laertus's dad: that's not an obsession, that's LOVE. i share your '80s love, Kyle my god. YOUR love feeds my love cos yours is on tv.
Kyle: '80s cartoons are a witches-brew of sappy educational and moral messages wrapped in psychedelic shrooms. it's like watching as your kid drinks LSD instead of lemonade.
Cecily Strong: we are definitely having kids after that.
Matt Walsh: i'm that guy.........you know that guy. you've seen me before.........like i was on the Kids In The Hall reboot or something?
Maiara Walsh: no relation.
Michaela Watkins: i am a motherfucking MILF!!! sorry, SNL, you had your chance!!!
moon: for the longest you had no idea who i was, huh. you thought i was the Mighty Boosh moon. nope, i'm also Luke Skywalker. fuck you, The Mighty Boosh is NOT comedy for the alt-right!!!
Kyle: i lie in an underground bunker. for my protection, but i don't know it. my parents are crazy college professors who kidnapped me. another reason not to go to college, kids. the thing is my crazy parents gave me a better life than my real parents would have, Luke Skywalker and his mom fired up my imagination!!! true it was only for one show but everyone has a favorite show. i memorized every line of dialogue from all the seasons of Brigsby Bear and i'm gonna be a functioning adult at the end of this, so who's the loser here?
Kyle: So Say We All.
Jane Adams: i'm the mom. fake mom. mom #1. you know me, i was on.........Chicago Hope back in the day on CBS or something?
Dick Wolf: the one Chicago i didn't do...
Jane Adams: perfect grace, dear. everyone at the dinner table dig in to some pizza!!!
Kyle: mom can i go out and play away from the Biodome tonight? i want to see if Pauly Shore will be my friend.
Jane: sorry, babe. the air outside is toxic to humans. humans were silly enough to nuclear-war. only Putin survived from the old bad days.
Kyle: dad, what are those electric creatures flying outside who drink electricity?
Luke Skywalker: it's just your imagination, son. freedom is a concept. it's just a concept.
Kyle: dad, how did you meet mom?
Luke: on the Brigsby Bear forums.
Kyle: yeah. all my friends are on there, too. hey why is there always only 1 GIRL for every internet forum?
Luke: mystery.
Kyle: can i just step back and take a moment to recognize the fact that.........Luke Skywalker is my fucking father!!!
Mark Hamill breathes heavily.
Mark Hamill: just kidding. yeah, chuckles all around, it's fun to play the villain for once.
Greg Kinnear: did they.........touch you?
Eye: kinda weird that the laughline comes at the molestation part but whatever so it goes.
Laertus's dad: Coca Cola Classic is worth selling your soul to the police!!!
Greg: do you want to meet your REAL family?
Kyle: no. look at me, it's too late to start over.
real family: this is your bed. from when you were a baby.
Kyle: don't worry i'm wearing a mask indoors. a gas mask.
Claire Danes: as your psychologist i recommend you give up on your dreams.
Kyle: come on, haven't you ever wanted to see how the show would have ended if it wasn't canceled? didn't you want to see if you and Jordan Catalano would get married and adopt Rickie and Rayanne?
Dirg: i'm sorry but this is COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC. an awkward autistic dopey-looking adult with serious problems and peculiarities and idiosyncrasies and introvertsies would not suddenly be accepted by a group of random teens at a teen party. especially not Maddy Perez from Euphoria, she's the MEAN GIRL on the show!!!
Alexa Demie: have you ever been with a girl?
Kyle: you're touching my weewee and it feels good thank you for touching my weewee i have to go now bye.
Alexa Demie: this is your ONE CHANCE to have a normal life!!! oral for normal. you'll never get this opportunity again. if you fuck me right here right now on this bed you'll become the lead singer of Fatboy Slim.
Cirra: plus, this girl knows how to fuck doggystyle hotly, i've seen her.
Laertus: THANK YOU!!! FINALLY!!! i awaited this, wanted this to happen, i've been waiting for those two to get together. Kyle Mooney finally works with Tim & Eric!!! let the two worlds of weirdness MERGE AND COMBINE!!! for our betterment as a society.
Matt Walsh: there is more than one movie. you can make one.
Rubikon: and there you go. right here in this movie it shows you how to make a movie. ANYONE can do it. you just need that yellow book on how to write screenplays and post notecards on beige boards with pins.
Tyzik: PeeChee-colored boards.
Spencer: yeah i can help you make a movie. i'm taking classes at the local community college: video editing, special effects, cloning, all that shit. none of this will get me anywhere unless i know Lorne Michaels. i have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, i quit my job at Arby's...
Kyle: i never learned to drive, i'll use your truck.
Greg: lucky for you, kid, i was a community-college actor before i became a cop. what are the odds!!!
Kyle: why are you helping me?
Greg Kinnear: you make me want to be a better man. SUCK IT, JACK!!! i've wanted to say that FOR SO LONG!!!
Kyle: we kissed so i have to marry you now.
Merideth: but we never kissed. my name is spelled like Megadeth. i am NEVER getting married, my parents are miserable.
Kyle: if you don't get married, you're never settled in life. you wander forever.
Wildernessa from Craig of the Creek: you found me! out here in the wide expanse, the long large tract clearing of Utah open land, how romantic to film a movie in the wilderness!!! using only grass not cameras!!! i even ride a large bear as you can see who will replace Brigsby. cheaper, no copyright. let me be your girlfriend, Craig is too clueless.
Kyle: sorry, i have the chance to have a REAL girlfriend. besides, you can't be my girlfriend, you can only be my wife.
Wildernessa: you'll be sorry...
Greg: is that a nuclear warhead in the back of your truck? what in blazes are you DOING, you spastic?!!!
Kyle: World War III? World War 3? i mean World War IV 4. World War 4 was so bad everyone needed IVs after...
Laertus: okay sorry babe, sorry Eye, but i just have to say: Kate Lyn Sheil is FUCKING HOT. she goes beyond hot, she's hot in a young Meryl Streep way, hot in a sophisticated way, hot in a cultured way. underground culture. underground-bunker culture. bunker culture.
Eye Luggage: damn. i'm gonna have to plastic-surgery freckles on my face now.
Dirg: now you're getting it, dude. but Kate Lyn Sheil fucked Tim Heidecker so she's on my Never list.
Kate: i'm late to pick up my kid from soccer.
Kyle: where do you work?
Kate: um, right here. at this Denny's. as a single-mom waitress under a neon sign, Hollywood's longest trope.
Alice and Santa: ...
Kyle: who's the father?
Kate: Maury Povich. i was young and naive, i thought Maury Povich would be my Johnny Depp.
Kyle: where's soccer practice?
Kate: at the doomsday bunker. the juice boxes are free.
Kyle: if only i had watched Home Movies instead as a kid...
Kate: being in showbiz at a young age messed me up for life. but i lasted this long. i survived. i don't want to jinx it by suddenly making an indie movie about a girl making pies for two suitors.
Kyle: don't worry, it won't be a hostage film this time.
Claire Danes: i love this part of my job, i can visit a mental institution but i get to leave at night.
Kyle: i can only break out of this place if Jack Nicholson is here but Greg Kinnear scared him off.
Andy Samberg: hello, my name is Snoop D-O-Double G.
Mark Hamill: thank you for visiting me in prison, son.
Kyle: i feel at home here, it's just like a mental institution. can you do voices for me?
Mark Hamill: i hear voices.
Kyle: but can you do a voice for my movie?
Mark Hamill: i can only do the voice of Batman...
at the premiere, Kyle throws up all over the doors of the public theater bathroom stalls.
John Belushi: do you mind, kid? i'm taking a shit here.
Kyle: sorry, John Belushi...
Kyle: all my vomit has frozen into snowballs. it's snowing outside. has Robert Redford arrived yet?
Beck Bennett: the weirdest part of this movie is that i play a straight serious role.
when the movie is finished, Brigsby Bear gets OFF the stage and slaps Kyle Mooney across the face.
Brigsby Bear: SNAP OUT OF IT, KID!!! GET OVER IT. GET OVER ME, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!!
Kyle: we went the sentimental earnest cloying route because there is no more heart in this world. all human hearts are clogged. Layne Staley took the Heart with him when he died. we could have easily done another cynical take on how nerds are lame outcasts who don't deserve happiness, but then they wouldn't have allowed us to enter Comic Con. this film isn't about being a gangly geek, it's my pet project about how therapy has been effective in my life. and how i now play professional basketball. a video-game cabinet from an '80s arcade landed on my head, its electricity entered my brainlobes and cured me.
Kyle's dad: what was the cabinet?
Kyle: KOBE BRYANT NBA 2K22.
Mardith: as Kyle Mooney's lifestyle expert, i guide him on his wellness journey. he's making strides. he's making progress.
Kyle: oh and the music at the end of Brigsby Bear is the theme song from the '80s Disney cartoon Gummi Bears, sorry about that...
Mardith: i spoke too soon. g'night folks.
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