JFK: i regret to inform you that the situation has only gotten worse. but i will not give up, we CAN'T give up, ever, EVERYONE in this country must be heard, deserves not to die on the mean streets, and i for one am willing to sit down at the White House and hear any group, any gang, any body fighting on behalf of their people. the riots in Watts show us that we have a LONG ROAD to hoe before people feel seen in this land, not persecuted for their color, able to earn and laugh and love without fear of retribution at a pump, poll, or pernicious platter. lobsters don't grow on trees, i know this despite growing up in Maine. can we eat lobster humanely? that is the challenge. racism will never be solved but this Administration intends to salve it.
Dan Aykroyd accompanies JFK to Watts that next evening.
JFK: what are you doing? you are not my Vice President.Dan: i thought i'd bring a little levity to the proceedings, a little salve to the situation, comedy to the circumstances. the country is afraid of Democrats right now and i do a mean Jimmy Carter.
JFK: give it to me straight, Jim. i mean Dan.
Dan: it's bad, sir. fires, smashed windows, brick walls. smoke but not the fun Snoop Dogg smoke.
JFK: i have an idea. EVERYONE gather round. JFK at KFC? no, too thorny. here, let's everyone gather round this CVS. i know, CVS sucks but what can you do. if you want a brighter future, invest in electric. electric energy. electric energy will rebuild your cities. do NOT repeat DO NOT INVEST IN CRYPTO. crypto is a long-con shell game, don't trust any Edsion OR Tesla that waltzes into town and comes round the neighborhood. now i understand that SILVER is needed for the electrical grid to erect, so INVEST IN SILVER NOW IN 1965!!! do it for your families' futures. invest in silver futures. my Secretary of the Treasury Roger Lodge is on the helicopter in back of me, behind me in the line in the sky, he'll fill you in on all the paperwork.
Naruto: what i show is how to survive when the whole world hates you.
young Robert Klein: i look like Billy Corgan.........when he had hair.
cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger: no fries. chips. sometimes an egg over-lightly. no Coke, Pepsi Nitro.
The Nerds on SNL in 1978: is nerd rock the next big thing?...
Weezer in 1989: yes.
Behr Stain paint-linen-finish commercial: not George Hamilton.
Beth Behrs: Stanley Tucci and i would have made an ADORABLE couple. i would fuck a man just for his food. but alas i'm married so sorry about putting a cowboy-boot-sized damp napkin on everyone's bald head.
Raid bug-spray commercial: imagination is good. we subtly slipped in there that the kid was autistic, see that? we intimated it, we couldn't say it outright explicitly or our funding would have been cut.
at The Weather Channel:
Goody Paul: i just discovered a sport called golf this year...
me: i wish we could have summer with no new episodes of tv shows, a time to relax, but it rained everyday...
Mardith at the Blood Moon dances on her highrise balcony. the grey misty clouds cover not this massive heavenly body. and the night sky is red, too.
Mardith: *dancing* groove with me. soothe with me. shake your body booty all the way round, go with the flow, make your arms and legs jelly, round your butt round and around. let your tummy and your tummy ring out and show out. you feel those vibrations the Blood Moon is giving off? go with it, invest in the vibes, swallow the vibes, dance in the invisible sky, dance on top of the air. i'm dancing on a real cloud but that's only cos i'm high enough. up here. don't let ANYBODY steal your shine, turn you into something you're not, don't let others change you. acknowledge your darkness within but don't let the darkness win. don't let it turn you into anybody OTHER than who you were meant to be, your light-being self. look, i know you're sick of waiting, you need that life-altering life-changing win NOW. you've waited for too long and you're tired, exhausted. but see the universe doesn't follow YOUR timeline, YOUR schedule, the universe unnervingly is NOTORIOUSLY SLOW. there's nothing you can do about it, you just gotta be PATIENT FOREVER. yes my angels you're gonna have to wait MORE. just don't wait the rest of your life till you're dead *winks*
Cirra: do you mind being the fluffer one set for today? the entire crew is out sick.
me: sure. what do i have to do? oh i can use the plastic rings, right?
Cirra: no, because of covid you have to do it by hand. hands on, handjobs only. keep your hand on everyone's cock at all times, keep them ready to cum at a moment's notice.
an hour later for blocking and the scene is ready to shoot.
Cirra: where'd he go?
Cirra wearing a light helmet: hey what are you doing down here?
me: oh hi Cirra!!! watch out, wouldn't want your ethereal eyes to get grimed by all the gunk down here. i'm down here in an underground London sewer cleaning up the grooved sidewalls of this tunnel before the next subway train comes through.
Gladyce at Del Monte PetSmart.
Gladyce: when we refill the cat familiars' drums back up with kitty litter at PetSmart, that sand cascading down like a waterfall hypnotizes me.
Greykid: yeah it looks like Lipton lemon iced-tea powder...
Raven Symone: Amber, babes, your boyfriend's car is a piece of junk. you can't unlock the Tesla, it either locks you out or locks you in then seizes up forever.
Amber Heard: oh Elon Musk's not my boyfriend.
Raven: okay but why does your girlfriend look like Johnny Depp?...
Wuigi: see? take Mister Mosquito for the Playstation 2, NO Nintendo games will EVER be this creepy. this uncomfortable. this serial-killery. i'd rather get bit by REAL mosquitoes than by this bloodthirsty game. how the HELL did we lose the Console Wars to Playstation?
Steejo: from now on i want to be known as Stingo...
Suzy Lu: i have blonde hair like Meryl Streep...
Ashley Callingbull: i call bullshit. I was the one who made Indigenous history.
Wacey Rabbit: don't let my Canadian niceness fool you. i hit hard on the boards when i'm out there on the ice, your face is my puck. my trix aren't for kids. i'm not scared of ANYONE, not even Mike Tyson...
Dolores O'Riordan: it's no wonder.........my first name means sad.
Sarah Sherman: it's been a good week, i became Weekend Update's first roving reporter., my nudes are online, i'm Colin Jost's new co-anchor because Michael Che quit the Desk 5 years ago. and i fucked Selena Gomez at the After Party.
Selena Gomez: that Little Black Dress worked for me...
casket spray: flowers, not an actual spray to spray on a stanky casket
Flo from Progressive: Three Busy Debras episode idea: i'm their long-lost cousin. i'm the 4th Debra. Four Busy Debras...
Yumi Nu: that's Yummy New.
Ellen DeGeneres: there's something so deadly to the soul when summer hits...
Lana Del Rey: tell me about it...
Hilma: i wasn't Fred Flintstone's wife!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!
Dirg: i mean God bless him but there's an artist on Instagram who literally draws one line on every post and each post gets thousands of comments. he has 15,000 followers...
Zoe Keating: i am related to Keats but i want to make my OWN name for myself with my jungle trance music...
Zoe Keating: from now on, i play the cello in memory of my husband...
Nasim Pedrad editing Chad: wait, the star edits her own show?...
Johnny Depp: you will not see my eyes again.........now THAT is a line!!! that is a devastating cinematic ending, the final line of a Scorsese film. i wrote that. i'm not a writer but i wrote that.
Gol D. Roger from One Piece: you never see my mouth move when i talk, the legends are true, you've only ever seen me smiling...
Luffy: wait money here is called Belly?!!! the whole time i thought it was Berry!!!
me and Belly the band: ...
Bonne Maman: never tried the other flavors...
David Mamet: i'm not jelly...
Snoop Dogg: if I bought Twitter, Twitter would be FUN again...
Mardith: no sex? slip and slide, Instafam. slip and slide as i do the banana pose for you, as i HOLD this banana pose for you this shit ain't easy, banana is more important yoga than dog.
me at a mailbox: i never thought i'd live to see the day. TV GUIDE has gone for it, TV GUIDE does TRIPLE Issues now!!! this changes the whole two-week staggered grocery-shop schedule forever...
Stream Plus Magazine: nothing to do with fish.
Bennett Foddy: what? life is hard, right?
Puck from Real World: San Francisco stands with his bike on top of the tallest hill in San Francisco looking out over the powdery city at night, the sunset light overshadowed by the eerie red glow of the Blood Moon blanketing the sprawling cityscape. he can't breathe not from drugs but because he just took the biggest sigh of his life.
Puck: *sigh* oh well, here goes.
he wheels over to the shaggiest brickiest apartment in the complex. where lives his father. Dad puts his smelly sockless feet up on his loungechair as he eats the black smoke from his cigar and picks at the pimple on his hairy nose.
Puck: hey!!! i expelled gas out my mouth for you!!! i have a delivery for you, unsocked, let me in, don't make me break the door down.
Lance Armstrong: call me Lance Lear.
Puck: i shall call you dad. YOUR TOES SMELL!!! except they're not toes anymore, they're globs of goo. when was the last time you showered?
Lance: what's in the bag, son? is that a mailbag? a mail satchel? are you a mailman now?
Puck: it's silver. bars of silver.
Lance: more ill-gotten goods, son? did you finger these rocks in an alleyway?
Puck: it's silver for the electric grid, dad. THIS city is the first one to try it!!! see? i have good in my heart but you're always bringing me down. your nihilism has infected my natural sunny goofy disposition, made everyone scared of me. bike messengers are supposed to be COOL!!!
Lance: you have to be an asshole to survive on the streets, son.
Puck: but i don't wanna be an asshole!!! i want to get the girl!!! i want to be the handsome debonair blond leading man who gets Rachel!!!
Lance: she's ill-gotten goods, son, she's a babe but she's a Republican babe, she's tricky territory.
Puck: i have to be better than you, i can't be poisoned by your cynicism. i have to cut my twig from your trunk.
Lance: be proud of your penis, son.
Puck: what's for dinner?
Lance: snot-rockets a.k.a. tv-dinners.
Puck: father, what's on the tube?
Lance: i'm watching Real World on tv.
Lance: no, Real World Reunion.
Puck: pity. i have to be my own person, a happy person. i can't be an angry old man when i'm a young man. anyway that's the messenge i wanted to deliver to you before i leave this place and never return never see you again.
Lance: messenge? you mean message.
Puck: no, messenge, i'm a bike messenger.
Eye Luggage wearing Thom Browne boots: Quicksilver from 1986 and go. go on a bike.
Kevin Bacon: in my defense, i thought this was gonna be a Marvel superhero movie. i mean i don't get this film, i don't go fast. i go PRETTY fast on the bicycle but it's not like i'm racing at supersonic speeds here breaking any landspeed records, breaking the sound barrier matching mach.
JFK: i used to ride my bicycle down these San Francisco streets. it was nice and peaceful and hilly and curvy, i could meditate like a monk. contemplate my career. i could focus on the bicycle not the Bible. now i ride with my son, Junior has his shirt off and that's when i know i've officially passed the sex-symbol baton off over to him.
JFK Jr. with hairy chest: and it's not even a relay bike race.
Doryce: oh golly gee!!! these are GREAT times to be alive!!! i can now instead of BEING a bike RIDE a bike!!!
Giorgio Moroder: nice intro, nice Star Trek: The Next Generation blue lettering. nice music in the opening, very Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honneamise's opening intro, which as we all know is the greatest film of all time.
Puck: these are my people. this movie was tailor-made for me. you know how you know if someone's a bike messenger? how to tell? look at his visor to see if it's flipped up. or her hat is a World War I ace aviator skullcap with the fuzzy flaps and scotch top and goggles, that's a bike messenger.
Kevin Bacon: wait what's a messager? not a massager, i've had those, i've been to San Francisco, what's a messager?
Kevin Bacon: okay that convinced me. i raced a bike messenger down the downhill road busy with traffic and flower-delivery-van open doors as i drove in a taxicab going 100 mph and the bike beat us going 101 mph. extremely dangerous but i needed to know. the bike messenger later died from his injuries but this movie doesn't tackle the hazards of bike messenging all too well. somebody should have ended up with three legs or something. now i know bicycle delivery will be my fallback job, my safety school...
Kevin: so there are only bike messengers in San Francisco? that's where the ENTIRE bike-messenger culture resides?
Puck: yes. it all originated here in Frisco in the '60s. ask my uncle Jerry Garcia...
Kevin Bacon: it's the '80s so of course the only thing that matters is making money on Wall Street, this doesn't copy any other movies or anything. i was a good stockbroker but it broke me. i made ONE BAD DEAL and my life is ruined.
Kevin's dad: why didn't you jump out a window like your friends did, son?
Kevin: i was at a bar at ground level. i didn't drink i promise. a merger who ever heard of a merger? what's next, a gas station being swallowed up by Disney?
dad: and you use those bulky computers and ticket-tape for the stock market in the '80s, it's weird. how could this happen? i thought you were a genius. anyway, we Caseys always get up and PUNCH FIRST later. you'll get our life savings back, right?
Kevin: no, dad. that trip to Mykonos will have to wait. forever. and those Steak-Umms on your plate there getting cold will be the last meat you will ever eat. please don't cry behind my back, i can't take it seeing a grown man cry, i've already cried in the back when i took this movie.
Kevin: so i'm still making this? i still actively lobbied to be a part of this? i see. okay, well, i was a floor trader. i vacuumed the floor of the Stock Exchange. now i ride a bike, it's free and easy and nirvana. i'm not accountable. get it? accountable accountant.
Jami Gertz: like my tough Brooklyn accent for the city of San Francisco? i'm from EVERYWHERE. international accent. i'm a street tough yet also a delicate feminine flower.
JFK: i learned all my policies in San Francisco, it's a cool breezy cozy city that cares about people. all people.
Jami Gertz: i don't get why you flubbed it so badly. money is easy, just own an NBA basketball team and you're set for life.
Paul Rodriguez: i'll show you the ropes.
Kevin: no boxing ropes, i promise, i ain't no Muhammad Ali.
Paul: not funny, i hate Will Smith's guts.
Voodoo: i bike-messenge drugs. yeah basically i sell drugs on the streets of San Francisco. i do more than you do at this job. i'm a drug-dealer round the city and it sucks. don't talk to me i'm so fucking ANGRY i'm a stereotype. don't talk to me unless you go get me my coffee light with milk. fuck this, after i inevitably die in a drug deal gone bad i'm going to the Matrix to start over...
Steve McQueen: that San Francisco street scene would have been better in a car...
Louie Anderson: i'm in this movie. there's no discernable reason WHY i'm in this movie but i'm in this movie.
Whitney Kershaw: Kevin and i did the ICONIC pose dancing on his bike, not his dick his actual bicycle, as i step foot on the wheel and he rides me around the Celtics-basketball-floor of the apartment. but Flashdance did this first. my leotard was '80s sexy but kinda frumpy. and then the whole thing with me in a fur coat and the art gallery was straight out of Cocktail with Tom Cruise. i mean i don't even get to say fuck, i have to say screw. if you wanted to spice this thing up there should have been a fuck scene. not saying I should have been in the fuck scene but there should have been a fuck scene...
Georgann Johnson: i did Midnight Cowboy and then i end my career with THIS?!!! THIS drivel?!!! THIS stoop?!!! listen to your father, dear, you're smart, you have a head on your shoulders, your father only understands electric bicycles...
Apache: oh come on, the INDIAN is the gang member?!!! let me guess, the gang steals from casinos. hey chica, you do what i say, when i call you come. do whatever the gang wants.
Jami: yeah whatever. what does the gang want?
Apache: bacon from Kevin Bacon. and for you to become a whore...
Puck: these jam sessions where all the bicyclists do handstands on their handlebars and stick their tires down their pants to boombox music, we did this stuff when i was a messenger. except i did all my superhuman feats of strength on bikes on drugs. i once flipped 5 times in the air on my bike, sideways flips.
ex-partner: what are you doing here? selling junk on a bike, that's your future? take off that propeller beanie.
Kevin: i'm free, man. feel the free vibe. no responsibilities. i only drink blue drinks. i spend my parents' money on Garbage Pail Kids. wait, by junk you don't mean drugs, right?
Kevin: only in the '80s and '90s did people do this, hang their bicycles up on the sidewall of their apartment like it was a framed picture, a framed family photo.
Jami: i hang my bike on the ceiling like it was a potted plant, a housefern. you had opportunities, man, you have choices, you have clear paths, i have to sleep wherever i can sleep.
Kevin: hey i slept on a boat once, i can empathize with you.
Laertus: yeah see here? there REALLY should have been a sex scene here, without it it makes this film VERY dry like mad unmilked bread. Kevin shoulda fucked his houseguest-for-one-night roommate-for-one-day Jami. you notice at the end of this movie? there's a strange sequence of scenes where a shirtless Kevin hangs his head down hangdog on the couch and Jami looks satisfied and serene and smiles. but nothing happens, i think that's where the cut sex scene took place...
Dirg: i'm proud of you...
Laertus: you can still be a gentleman about it but there needs to be some SPARK to a movie, KINETIC ENERGY that disrupts the film's inertia, you know? ACTION. and then that ending at the Warriors wharf...
Kevin: why are you wearing THAT to your job interview?
Paul Rodriguez: i'm gonna be a pimp.
Kevin: oh. okay then.
Kevin: i'm here to help out all my new bike friends with their finances. i'm here to provide financial advice. cos i'm an expert in something in life.
Paul Rodriguez: how do i fill out a pimp slip i mean pink slip? look, it's the only way to get out from under the barrio stoop. i'm SICK of backyard barbecues with barracuda barbacoa, i want the GOOD LIFE. i want a Fifth Avenue hot dog. hey what's this food that we're eating at a Chinese restaurant? squid? octopus?
Kevin: it's called a Bugle chip.
Paul Rodriguez: manticore?
Kevin: no it's not manticore.
Kevin Bacon's dad: SON!!! how'd you get all our money back?
Kevin Bacon: two words, pop: Pac-Man. Pac-Man bonds. well, actually it's a hyphenated word and a hyphenated-word and then...
Eye Luggage: oh god this film had ONE GOOD SCENE and then proceeded to RUIN it!!! the scene where Kevin Bacon spies on his father crying and then leaves without making a sound was quite effective and poignant, no dialogue needed nor necessary. but then later Kevin EXPLAINS everything he saw to his father, blabbing, letting him know ALL ABOUT IT!!! come on, that scene would have lived forever if it had remained silent in Kevin's heart only Kevin knowing about it.
Roger Ebert: watching this movie was about as much fun as having an enema whilst eating a pound of jalapeno peppers.
Peter Frampton: the soundtrack tho. the soundtrack was good. my song "Nothing At All" was a minor hit in the dance clubs. it's a GREAT song, a banging song, nice rhythm section, nice beat. the first Vaporwave song. it would have been a MAJOR song but this movie.........ah never mind *slaps down his palms disgustedly*. no i'm not the Genesis guy. i'm the Pearl Jam guy. you know, the talk-box guy? yeah, Post Malone. Post Malone. call me Posty.
Kevin Bacon: this movie was the absolute lowest point of my career. but the thing is, somehow this came AFTER Footloose. it's one of life's mysteries that's better left to the fluffers at the underground subway station. the subway was where i saw a poster for Quicksilver (1986) that dredged up all my bad memories of making this movie in the first place. g'night folks.