actually above is two contenders for the first-ever photograph.
notes:
* Emu Wedding
Pastor Doug: no Kevin no, not today.
Kevin: call me Satan.
* Lowe's Spring Fest
man: we came here to buy guns? YES!!!
woman: no, a grass gun.
man: *with a dejected face* oh.
* Home Depot Spring
woman: look at all these beautiful annuals!!!
man: annuals don't mean they grow forever all year, it means they are flowers that don't grow AT ALL the whole year...
* Coca Cola
girl with ring light: DAD!!! i'm trying to TikTok dance here!!! you know my order. and get mom who's doing all of our laundries OUT of my room!!!
Dad: why do you have a smile on your face? didn't the UberEats driver interrupt your TikTok dance?
Dad: why do you have a smile on your face? didn't the UberEats driver interrupt your TikTok dance?
girl: yes but he was cute. and he had a motorcycle. he told me the food and the Coca Cola were free if i danced for him...
* Taco Bell
girl: we're in a time loop.
other girl: yes, everyone is.
girl: i should have the Jem hair not you but whatever anyway i think with the White Hot Ranch Nacho Fries we can rightly say that we're in Deja Chew.
other girl: that's lame. hey is one of these trays of White Hot Ranch Nacho Fries enough? or do i need to order two more tacos?...
* American Express NBA jerseys
crying man: my favorite jersey is Kyrie Irving. now i have to trade my jersey and buy a new one. no, he didn't get traded, he didn't switch teams, he just refused to play...
* Macy's
girl: i got my style from my mom.
mom: and i got my style from MY mom.
grandma: and i got my style from MY mom!!! mom mom. great-grandma thrice removed.
great grandma: and you all got your style from ME!!!!!!!!!
Madonna: and you all got your style from ME!!!!!!!!!! all you bitches owe me. even that old biddy over there. hey i'm just trying to teach the youth pop-culture history with my Instagram posts before it's too late...
* everyone working behind the Wendy's counter in their curiously symbolic red shirts sing the Biggie Bag Song.
singers: "you got that bag, you got that Biggie Bag"
woman: is that a real song?
Jamie from Progressive: yes. we're trying to quickly make it into an NFT inb4 Boyz II Men sues us.
* Roger Federer: the clay season is slow. it's the slowest season.........these clay tennis matches are slow, boring, dry, and tough to watch. i'd rather visit Boris Becker in prison.
Sabalenka: why the fuck haven't i won a Major yet?...
* girl at the DeSantis Disney signing: look at my face. i am depressed. i am NOT happy. i am glum. i am the dwarf named Sad.
* The Charisma Myth: one letter ain't gonna do it.........you need two letters.
Jesus: i had the most charisma out of everyone...
* Jillian Clare: i'm pissed that i'm single and my best friend Monica Lewinsky is married. Monica Lewinsky remarried. do you know how awkward it's gonna be trapsing around New York City with her on night jaunts when we look at each other across the stage and across the table?
* cat familiars: so this new Friskies Glaz'd & Infuz'd is supposed to make you high?
Friskies: ALL cat food is designed to make cats high.
Matthew McConaughey: ...
Richard Linklater: ...
* Bone Thugs N Harmony: we were Cleveland. we were all Cleveland had. LeBron came WAY later.
* Pier Angeli at the pier by the Ferris wheel at golden hour: i fit in more life than you tho my life was shorter. James Dean crashed my wedding. did James Dean crash YOUR wedding, too? i got married on a Wednesday. who gets married on a Wednesday?!!! i know it was Valentine's Day but still...
* Wild At Heart snakeskin jacket: where was i in Honeymoon In Vegas?
* Elon Musk: in order for the world to be saved, i MUST become the richest person who ever lived in history...
* Church of the Master Angels: we are not a cult. i know, we REALLY sound like a cult. we REALLY have a cult name. but we are not a cult.
* Pure Leaf iced tea: pour some sugar with us. not on us. not in us...
* Flipper the Dolphin: hey Putin.........no.
* Doryce: have you ever had Top Ramen before?
Takahashi: yes.
Doryce: Top Ramen with NO flavor powder, just the plain noodles in hot water.
Takahashi: ...
* me: when i look into the bright blue eyes of Jen Pizarro, she ceases to be a woman. another woman. it is at that moment i remember. she becomes my heart. my soul. my person.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: those White Hot Ranch Nacho Fries got me. it's gonna be Taco Bell again twice-in-a-row back-to-back-weeks. but do i drive a longer distance and go through the drivethru or drive a shorter distance get out and walk to the Taco Bell? it's a nacho cheese conundrum.
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