Friday, May 20, 2022




* RORY STORY!!! come on, Rory McIlroy!!! we've waited a DAMN DECADE to see you in this position again!!! don't screw it up, Rory!!! i mean all your fans left you in droves swimming away from the isle of Ireland to join Tiger Woods back at the mainland when Tiger returned. we need Rory and Tiger in the final group on Sunday like the good ol days. Phil will make his dramatic return as the newly-elected President of Saudi Arabia...

* NHL Hockey: you shouldn't be able to touch the puck with your hand like a soccer goalie, that's cheating, you should only touch the puck with your stick.

* Cardi B: changing a diaper is EASY with long nails.........if your baby is a teddy bear.

* Greykid finally emerges from the shadows of the lawn at day when the glare of the sun hits his grey cat-eyes causing sunspots.
Greykid: i arose from my summer slumber after my whiskers sensed the scent of delicious oat raw milk...

* me: this always happens in the month of May, 7 things happen on 1 day

* me: ...and the rest of the month there's nothing happening...

* at Commencement
Billie Jean King: don't let others define you.
Mardith: yeah that's what i said...
Kamala Harris: the future godparent to your child is sitting next to you right now.
me: yes, that's the problem, i lost all my groups.

* B-Boy Blues: if you're looking for a different bike-messenger story...

* Jody Potts-Joseph: imagine my Alaskan smile through the snow as the jawbone of all the ancestors of the world. the Candle of Life is dripping from my chin...

* Joseph Papp: i was the Hugh Hefner of public theatre...

* Ashley Leggat: i know i know, sorry. i should have married Michael Seater. how cliche could i get? i was a Canadian babe tv-star actress who ended up marrying an ice-hockey player...

* Barstow: you thought i was in Northern California, didn't you?...

* Sally Yeh: think of the extensive beautiful history of Cantopop in Hong Kong which will be lost...

* Cara Delevingne: so here's the thing. i can't have sex. i can only lick legs. my version of sex is licking legs. you will NEVER spell my last name correctly...

* cumrade: it's an Australian thing

* Mardith: life hack: if your dad is intrepid enough to discover your secret Instagram with all your prom and sex pics that only your girlfriends can comment on, the least you can do is acknowledge that this comment INDEED did come from your dad by liking the comment. 
Dirg: i do this and they're not even my daughter.

* Red Power Ranger: look, there was no way i could win. i tried to fight the Department of Justice but the DOJ has Zords!!! i tried to find Zordon again in that cave by the beach but i forgot which cave it was. and which beach it was. when i got there Zordon's blue hologram had been turned off.
Zordon: i use my blue hologram now to project life on Earth, i'm employed by the universe. Zordon=Zords, you only just got that now, huh champ.
Red Ranger: i don't know if you've noticed but the world doesn't care about Power Rangers anymore. the last Power Rangers show couldn't be seen on tv, only on the Nickelodeon website.
Boris Becker: it can happen, Austin St. John, it can happen...

* Love In The Jungle: this is actually a novel concept for a reality show and i hate reality as a genre. using animal mating techniques to find love. the catch is, you can't talk. ever. cheetahs never talk when they're fucking at lightspeed. and you can't be in the tribe with that doggystyle-anal sign.

* Apple Data Auction
Ellie: i'm a girl with freckles and a jean jacket. why is everyone looking at and auctioning off my data? this auction is a suction.
auctioneer: let's look at Ellie's emails. boring.
Ellie: i only open Elon Musk's emails.
auctioneer: and her medicine cabinet is bare.
Ellie: i don't do drugs. my art is not very good because of this.
auctioneer: all her locations. you NEVER left France?!!!
Ellie: people thought i was Claudine Pepin, i had to hide out.
auctioneer: and finally, her nudes. wait who is this naked girl?
Ellie: those are the nudes of ALIA SHAWKAT. i'm French, remember?

* Google Pixel Phone
Batman: coffee with Robin in 30 minutes.........i thought Robin would be making the coffee.
lawnmower man: bro, lawnmowing is my job. don't erase me with the Eraser. i will reincarnate into Beck and haunt you.

* Expedia
Stanley Tucci: lemons. i'm not a lemon, i never said i was Anthony Bourdain. i'm not a nomad, either. i did this so i could soak naked in an indoor Mediterranean pool made of mosaic in Rome with lemons floating in the pool.

* Smirnoff Ice Neon Lemonade: you forget you're drinking hard liquor when it's drowned in lemonade. the neon is just to attract the purple '80s Vaporwave burnouts.

* Indigo Hubbard-Salk: my ancestor cured polio. you don't know who i am.........but the world is about to.
Spike Lee: you hear that. you HAIR that. Andre Agassi's hair.
Andre Agassi: i was a racqueteer, not a racketeer.
Boris Becker: ...
Spike Lee: i knew Michael Jordan was gonna be good in the 1980s. JORDAN IN THE EIGHTIES!!!
Spike Lee: i know justice would have been served faster if Colin Kaepernick had been Eminem...
Federer: DAMN, Spike Lee!!! damn, dude!!! Nadal is the King of the Court?!!!

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: look i'm happy that the Preakness will be Full Fans but that's about it. the Preakness needs to be the WILD party that it is. 

Mexican Pizza. the weekend is for Mexican Pizza. i'm so glad it's back.........i've never had Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell, this will be my first time... 

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