Friday, May 6, 2022




* Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Kyle Mooney: i was never in the Moonies cult. tho i did have that rad Moonies organ in my garage. sandalwood, two deepthroated pedals, one bass, one treble, viewscreen, and all the buttons of the rainbow.
Kate Lyn Sheil: yeah you played that cult organ at our wedding.
Kyle: how do you think i landed you...

* Kate Lyn Sheil: in order to keep my indie cred i can only buy electric cars, i've never ONCE used Shell gas.
Kyle: it's a tough burden to carry. to have to go through life named Lynn but without that extra n.

* Tom Selleck on Taxi: i'm a better comedian than Andy Kaufman!!!!!!!!! at least i make sense...

* Madame Pons: PLEASE come to our LUSH shoppe, sir!!!
Lenny Kravitz: sorry, babe, my exfoliant is Bahamas coral sand, i rub that stuff all over my naked body.

* Pedigree: from now on we call the pandemic The Big Inside.

* Tricky: ey up. trip hip is our British european electronica version of your American hip hop.
Massive Attack: aye. and i do it, too...
Fatboy Slim: hey up. given our long history of mad kings, it's a miracle and amazing that Britain still stands. and that any other country is still standing for that matter.

* Madame Pons: make a totem pole out of recyclable aluminum cans, a perfect project for kids to set them on their path to becoming lifetime conservationists.
Mardith: kids?
Madame Pons: jus sayin...

* mastic: do you want to make gum or do you want to cry mastic tears?

* Everything But The Girl "Missing" music video: when the man is on the bed he looks like an amputee even though he's not, it's weird.
Sade: let's be honest, this became MY song.
me: this song is EXACTLY me and Jen Pizarro...

* Cassandra Sawtell: i'm playing young Bjork in the movie...

* Mardith reading a palm: Lady Luck is now on your side, as Jupiter moves into the asteroid that destroyed the dinosaurs.
Aries: yes but will this Lady Luck actually be my girlfriend?...

* Codrus: you're not a life coach just because you have an Instagram.
Michael Weiss: ...
Michael Weiss's wife at the Sonogram station: ...

* Meredith Anne Bull: so.........yeah, i can detect bull. and Amber Heard's testimony? yeah, it's a performance. trust me, i'm an actress.
Mardith: i want to be gal pals with you on account of our similar names but...
Amber Heard: Johnny DESPISED Franco.
Johnny Depp: not so. James Franco and i were bros. i thought of him as my little brother.
Amber Heard: he LOOKS like your younger brother, that's why i took up with him.
Johnny Depp: Franco and i think the same way about women. i'm starring in James Franco's movie about the origin of CliffsNotes.

* Stephen A. Smith: have you seen Juvee? there's nothing junior about my bodyguard...

* Ruth Bader Ginsburg: that's Princess RBG Leia to you.

* Peter Griffin from Family Guy: my last name Griffin is another way of saying Friggin...

* Laertus: why is everything in fine print? if you don't have anything to hide, put it in readable print...

* on the Family Matters set
Steve Urkel: i will FIGHT you, Jo Marie Payton. this ain't that SNL skit where Urkel is a serious street-hustlin drug kingpin, this is REAL!!!!!!!!!
Jo Marie Payton: you're gonna Will-Smith me?
Urkel: yes. i'll have you replaced with another mom like Will Smith did on HIS show.

* Kate and Kyle's kid at preschool: great, my parents pick me up at 3PM when the heat of the sun is at its absolute HOTTEST, why couldn't they pick me up at noon so i could eat lunch with them in an air-conditioned Taco Bell?

* Amazon Mother's Day in India
the all-female delivery service on scooters: we're what the Fooly Cooly reboot was SUPPOSED to be. 
James Brown: it's a man's have no idea how many people leave the song at that point and never hear the remainder of my lyrics. and think it's a chauvinist song.
scooter lady: Power Rangers was stolen from a 1970s show in India...

* Arby's Pecan Chicken Salad Sandwich
Kitty Pecan: as magic as cbm's baby Rey. i'm the 5th cat familiar...

* Choice Hotels
Kitzia Madrigal: son, your fish is named Fred.
son: why is it red, mom?
Kitzia: cos it's made of fire so it needs to ALWAYS be in water so it's always cooling off, okay?
man: you win parent of the year. you know why i married you?
Kitzia: cos you loved me?
man: no, because your name is Kitzia Madrigal, the most mellifluous name in the universe.
son tries to take a selfie with Fred the red fish at the beach and the fish drops in the ocean.
man: i told you not to do that, son.

* Dairy Queen Bad News Bears
Billy Bob Thornton: why did we do a remake? when we couldn't get Tatum O'Neal to reprise her role?
Richard Linklater: sorry about this movie.
Alana Haim: Sammi Kane Kraft, never forget.
Billy Bob: and Walter Matthau was dead? it was life imitating art, a strip club sponsored a Little League team cos there was no other way to get funds. that's still legal, right? 
Sammi Kane Kraft: Drumstick with peanuts flavor? so the ice cream is chicken-flavored?!!!!!!!!!

* Top Gun: Maverick: think about it. this movie was supposed to come out in 2020. THIS 2022 TRAILER IS THE SAME 2020 TRAILER!!! 

* Bingo Blitz
Meghan Trainor: yeah i dunno. it seems my song was kinda shoehorned in there. this is a casino slot-machine video game?
blue cat: yes, handheld. you are not hallucinating me. it's actually a steps exercise machine.
Meghan Trainor: what's the prize if i win?
blue cat: no ass. no butt to speak of, a skinny butt, just two lines.

* T Mobile Mom's Birthday
mom: so many strangers at my front door!!! wait, those are just leftover Valentine's Day balloons!!! what's this? a wellness basket full of LUSH soaps and a loofah!!!
Madame Pons: that ain't ANY loofah, lady, that loofah is made from the hair of Lenny Kravitz!!!!!

*  Gap
Phoenix: immediately i'm seeing the gold sand of Santa Monica Beach.........and i'm hoping this isn't a Three's Company revival. how would they do that anyway? you can't have it without Jack Tripper. not to mention the Ropers and Mr. Furley. they should do a show now in 2022 with Jack Tripper's girlfriend having to quit being a flight attendant to tend to her ailing mother back home in Connecticut, a serious drama starring Mary Cadorette...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: the KFC Chicken Sandwich but Spicy version. haven't i already had that? i don't remember.

Happy Mother's Day. i love you. mom. and i'm still scared of Fuerza.

and the Kentucky Derby's tomorrow!!! for the first time in a long time: FULL FANS!!! at least 300,000 people on the grounds. the spectacle won't be the horses racing, it'll be the CROWD!!!
horses: yeah, thanks. we LIKED the pandemic years!!! it was nice and quiet!!!
Messier the horse: nothing spooks me. except puck-sized hail...


No comments: