1. what made the best sex partner you've ever had so good?
the listening, learning, and doing. i listened to her. she told me EXACTLY what she NEEDED in bed. the sex had to be just right for her to orgasm. i wrote copious notes in the margins of my Gideon Bible that night until it became a book cipher. she was Jada Pinkett and she required very specific sex. i became elastic that night. later, we nailed that scene in Jason's Lyric, the naked lovemaking in the magic pink weeping-willow swamp...
2. what made the worst sex partner you've ever had so bad?
i was excited cos Mr. Bean was joining us for a threesome. but all night she only seemed interested in doing it in a yellow British Mini car...
3. who was the most physically attractive person you've ever had sex with?
Jennifer Pizarro
4. how was it? like tapping into the source of all of the universe's Love Energy. understanding the Meaning of Life as a basic infinite reductive concept of one part 1980s and ALL the body parts of one purple Jennifer Pizarro in a bed of black holes and stars. when you get ONE CHANCE for your ENTIRE LIFE to do it over. when the time machine becomes nostalgic...
5. who was the least attractive person you've ever had sex with?
Gilbert Gottfried God rest his soul
6. why'd you do it? i was desperate to get on Saturday Night Live.........it didn't matter which season, SNL in any form...
7. how was it?
Gilbert taught me so much. he was the most selfless lover. after we fucked he turned his funny little head to caress my cheek then sprayed my face with a hard spritz of a pressurized glass water bottle and my bare butt landed on a whoopie cushion with pins. our pillow talk was thus:
Gilbert Gottfried: see when you're on that SNL stage it doesn't matter what you look like, you can transform into ANY CELEBRITY as long as you inhabit the character with your impersonation.
me: is this true?
Gilbert: of course. look at Will Ferrell and George W. Bush, George W. Bush isn't that tall!!! look i'll show you...
and show me he did. i swear i saw Gilbert Gottfried seamlessly transform into Jimmy G from the San Francisco 49ers that day...
BONUS: describe a bad sexual experience you admit was your fault:
i'm afraid i have to cut this great sex short cos.........i have to go see the Bob's Burgers Movie in a theatre now.........this is something i am fated to do in the FUTURE...
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