JFK on the stump.
JFK: America is all about exploring the unknown. first. we got the ladies with the balls to do it. and a couple of dudes who aren't afraid to burn up in the atmosphere. we will set a woman on the moon first, the other countries even Russia can come later. it doesn't really matter cos eventually this is for the benefit of the PLANET, not one country. today the moon, the next day the Starship Enterprise...
Cirra: i REFUSE to do a porn parody of Star Trek: The Motion Picture!!! i looked up to Persis Khambatta as a kid, i admired her persistence, how she did the forbidden dance when it came to her career when her people in a strict religious country back home frowned upon her entire existence. she Lambada'd her way into my heart. into freedom. into her dreams. she came from the same country i did.
me: both meanings? you're right tho, it would be a crime to shave off your luscious locks.
Cirra: because of her i made it so there's no more smoking on porn sets anymore. only candy cigarettes. to be used for eating only.
Doryce: i wanna mack on the Mack Rides at Europa-Park.
Gladyce: the German Disneyland?
Doryce: you can be nude there!!!
Kate Lyn Sheil: i have the most beautiful blue eyes in existence.
Jennifer Pizarro: nope.
Joel Embiid: i wear this facemask in memory of MF Doom...
Lori Butterworth: i'm Gwyneth Paltrow's mother.
Blythe Danner: ...
Lori Butterworth: i'm Gwyneth Paltrow's older sister.
Mrs. Butterworth's: ...
Dirg: make sure you say "here" in the comments, not "her"...
punctal plug: not a butt plug
Kurt Cobain: with my death, SNL cleared house...
Kate Lyn Sheil: i'm not Washed Out's wife...
Time Crisis in the arcade: we had the Shenmue forklift first. AND the cool leather jacket first. VSSE stands for Very Slippery Sensual Enema.
Liam: i'm the most popular name in the United States of America. somehow. is this because of Harry Styles?
Harry Styles: is that really my last name? i was born to be a pop star then...
Pasolini: nobody on the Canterbury Tales set ever had to kiss a donkey on the mouth to get free mouthwash...
AOC: i look like Frida Kahlo. look at my face, i'm the reincarnation of Frida Kahlo. i now know my destiny...
McDonalds ad: it's not that you have to be quiet at a library, it's that you can eat McDonald's at this library...
Gladyce: Doryce dear, you put WAY too much butter in the spaghetti that the porcelain tureen is slippery as fuck with the butter on all its sides getting baked in!!! impossible to wash off!!!
Hippie Dash: we're trying our best in Florida, okay?
Jeep: were you made to follow a path or were you born free?.........or are these two things the same thing.
Three Busy Debras: we're the coolest chicks you will ever meet in your lives. we're so cool we don't mind having the guest star be the star of the episode while we remain in the background.
Gladyce: Doryce dear, don't sniff and smell EVERY SINGLE BOX in The Store where we do our groceries...
City Year: we're the Guardian Angels.........but for kids and good.
Nutro: there's no soy in our dog food. NO SOY!!!!!!!!!! NO SOY THAT'S THE MAIN THING!!!
Three Busy Debras: how do you tell us apart? there's Mom Debra, Tall Debra, and The Cynic.
Gladyce: dear, what's with the hot glue on soda cans?
Doryce: it makes the soda taste better, dear...
Jon Gosselin: i mean it's crazy, i bought the Naomi Judd ranch with reality-show money. WITH REALITY-SHOW MONEY!!!...
Mardith: i tried to be friends with Kourtney Moon but i don't know...
me: you know you're doing well in life if you have to wake up early. if you don't have to wake up early, you're not doing too well...
Heather Matarazzo: i wrote the rawest tweets a celebrity has ever posted about the business and wanting to give up life and needing a life-changing win cos this ain't it. takes me back to my almost-suicide at age 27, when everyone who has ever lived finally realizes that their life is not gonna turn out the way they had dreamt and hoped in their teens. 27, the hateful age.
Todd Solondz: you can't blame me for your current troubles.
Heather Matarazzo: those tweets deserve that i get the once-over again, that people look at me again, that i get my eyes checked.
Jen Pizarro and Kate Lyn Sheil: you're right, chicky, YOU have the best blue eyes. they shimmer with a hurt beauty. they're oceanic in a way ours aren't, they're cranberry-oceanic...
Cotard: monks did science first. i did a vow of silence for Mercury Retrograde before Mercury Retrograde was a thing.
James Cromwell at Starbucks.
James Cromwell: i've glued my hand shut to this counter and i won't move for the rest of my life. do you have a scraper? it's for my gay wedding cake. this is a smart idea, the cops can't handcuff my hand if it's already restrained. what is WRONG with our human species? why must we be cruel? i don't get it, i mean shouldn't milk have been VEGAN MILK FROM THE START?!!! the start of human history, the start of human consumption of milk, when civilization started, 10,000 years ago.
Codrus: more like 6,000 years ago. i was there. it would have been sooner but i held back the milk gene in you puny humans...
Gene Roddenberry: ...
Codrus: animals were smarter anyways, unlike humans they lived la vida puro. the pure life. unfettered by the weight of morality. they ran on instinct and lived presently in the moment. like yoga spirit animals. i didn't want you humans drinking milk and getting stronger...
Doryce: are you the cause of all that hot glue on soda cans, James Cromwell?
James Cromwell: that'll do, crones, that'll do.
Gladyce: we came from Cromwell...
Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney are fucking on the Saturday Night Live stage.
Cecily: i'm gonna cum.
Kyle: not yet, we have to say it together.
Cecily: right.
Cecily and Kyle as they cum together: Martin Lawrence.
Lorne Michaels: DAMN it you two!!!
Cecily: sorry, Lorne, it was in the heat of the moment. you know, improv.
Kyle: Cecily, your hair gets more tangled than MY hair after sex!!!...
JFK is at the christening of the first spaceship with the name Enterprise.
JFK: i brought TWO bottles of champagne, the other one's for Marilyn later, wink wink.
JFK: and so, ladies and gentlemen, this first space shuttle will start my program. it's equipped with all the necessary buttons: the warp drive, the transporter, the captain's quarters with the miniskirts and the go-go boots. oh hello, i love seeing the original Star Trek cast here with us today, all of them wearing those UGLY '70s brown suits with the bellbottom pants. look at your parents, kids, this attire is of a specific time and place, ONLY IN THIS DECADE will you see people wearing this stuff, will you see Spock dressing like Jack Tripper. clothes will NOT look like this when 1980 hits...
Eye Luggage: Star Trek: The Motion Picture and go.
Mark Hamill: oh. fine. okay. i guess i'll sit this one out...
Persis Khambatta: okay so firstly we have to talk about how i was gypped. this first Star Trek movie was really supposed to be the pilot of a new series that would have continued the adventures of Star Trek after the original cast had left the stage. it had a whole new ship and i had a Starfleet uniform and a Vulcan lover, that would have been INTERESTING sex to film!!! my life was turning around, i was going somewhere, BOLDLY going somewhere. and then the decision was made to ax the series and make this movie instead. i started smoking after that...
Harlan Ellison: notice how i worm my way into writing EVERY SINGLE SCI-FI THING?...
Cecil B. DeMille at the press conference.
Cecily Strong: daddy?
Cecil: quiet, daughter. hey folks, FORGET THIS STAR TREK MOVIE!!! i STILL have the largest press conference ever assembled on this lot. i mean The Ten Commandments was epic but it was epic using 1950s MONEY!!! you know how much that money is worth NOW? my sets were so massive they still haven't bene torn down, they've been used as infrastructure to make more microcountries and NFTs. the Commandment lions are still loose from their cages and roaming around on set somewhere...
Isaac Asimov: this film needed more robots...
Charlton Heston: that Ten Commandments movie messed me up. turned me into a god...
Gene Roddenberry: SHHHHHHHHHH. quiet about it. NO SPOILERS!!!!!!!!! remember, alien names with an apostrophe are the coolest alien names, that apostrophe lends the name of the alien species gravitas.
Gene: V'Ger=Vejur...
Persis and Stephen Collins's first date at the neon lounge located at the tip of the starship.
Guinan: two blue drinks. i'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
Persis: shaving my head was TRAUMATIC. i'll never get over it!!!
Jada Pinkett Smith: it's not alopecia, okay? i would make a cool young Guinan...
Whoopi Goldberg gives Jada the evil eye that only women can give to other women.
Whoopi: Sisterhood, both meanings. all THREE meanings!!!
Stephen Collins: i don't get it. but i'm a man. the hair thing just isn't important to us men.
Persis: no second date...
Stephen: wait wait, i mean it does look good on you, i like.........exotic-looking women.
Persis: okay but these women are legal, right?
Stephen Collins: look, i get it. i know. i was persona non grata on this set, and every other set i ever drove into. i was the outsider, the interloper to this classic beloved Star Trek cast that everyone knew and loved belovedly. i was the new guy, i just wanted to fit in.........and did a few questionable things along the way that made me MORE of an outcast.
Stephen Collins: don't drink that Pepsi, i'm saving it for Persis. uh, something's wrong, you inserted the VHS cassette tape but the screen has been black now for 30 minutes.........oh it's the overture at the beginning, nevermind.
Gilda Radner: ...
Klingon captain: Voyager. that looks like Voyager. shit, sorry, forget i said that, nobody heard that, right? i was speaking Klingon, nobody understood that cos i was speaking Klingon...
James Doohan: i understood ye, laddie. after all I created the Klingon language!!! why didn't i become a pastoral painter in the green hills like me wee mother wanted me to? i get paid to be a stereotype. but i'm still alive, ain't i, aye?
William Shatner: Voyager. shit. i shatted myself. sorry about that, i didn't mean to blurt it out. nobody heard that, right? i make it a point to mumble through my words when i'm saying lines...
Laertus's dad: son, learn from this when you're making your movie. Jeffrey Katzenberg had to plead with Leonard Nimoy ON HIS KNEES at a NYC restaurant, begging Spock to join the film, that's what you have to do with every single person you meet on the street whom you want to be in your movie.
Laertus: thanks, dad. the casting process has become a Seinfeld episode.
George Takei: this script was shit. and the shooting schedule was manic. i luxuriously shampoo'd in my shower naked most days while Bill Shatner bodyslammed Asimov in his trailer. there were so many rewrites i had time to come up with "Oh My" as my catchphrase in my head.
Majel Barrett: don't think of me as the wife, think of me as Nurse Chapel that's DOCTOR Chapel thank you very much. i was better as a sexy milf in The Next Generation.
Troi: the nerds' dads liked you better than me!!!
Majel: i just wanted to fuck Spock, is that a crime?
Grace Lee Whitney: i invented the '60s cocktail party...
Stephen Collins: people told me Star Trek would linger on me forever, i'd have to go to cons and stuff. i have never ONCE been invited to do a Star Trek convention. the whole Star Trek thing? yeah, people don't even remember i was associated with the Star Trek franchise at all, they remember me for other reasons...
Shatner: i come from Starfleet Academy. i have my own personal trolley there.
Stephen Collins: i once ran over Tom Hanks...
Stephen Collins: my name is Decker. cos the DECK of a starship, you know? don't ask me about a cartoon series based on these decks, i don't watch cartoons.........no cartoons. you waltz in here thinking you can take command of MY ship?!!! you bastard!!! you fat flabby washed-up has-been bad actor!!!
Bill Shatner: while it's true i have the gait of a Rod Steiger, i have the voice of a Laurence Olivier.
Dirg: holy SHIT!!! i had no idea Uhura's tits were THAT LARGE!!!
Nichelle Nichols: these uniforms we use for this movie SUCK!!! why the change? why are we now wearing drab grey, beige, and yellow pajamas?
Leonard Nimoy: i'm the only one not smiling in the cast photo...
DeForest Kelley: i looked out for the rookie, Stephen Collins came to my dressing room for advice. navigating, both meanings, his way.
Stephen Collins i love Bones, NOT both meanings.
DeForest: Nurse Chapel gave me a vasectomy. that's why i was free to rejoin your crew, Jim.
Shatner: before or after?
Rubikon: that is a FUCKED-UP way to die. going through the transporter and the transporter rematerializes your atoms into a BLOB of GOO?!!!
Tyzik: i'm scared to leave my house anymore. first covid, now transporters.
Sonak: i'm also a brand of rainfall showerhead...
Commander Spock: i tried to purge myself on my home planet but the cloud conscience's empathy got in my way.
Bones: blast those damn emotions, eh Two Ears?
Shatner: you don't have to hide your feelings, Leo. i've seen you masturbate in a Burbank shower.
Persis: my name is Ilia. NOBODY knows how to pronounce it. NOBODY knows how to spell it nor type it. looking at myself on that billboard over there, with me and my bald head against that blue background, it looks like i'm advertising Colt 45 malt-liquor beer...
Ilia: i REFUSE to be naked for this scene!!! i will never be filmed naked, i'll only be naked for the promotional pics. instead i shall wear a skin-suit.
Uhura: the beige uniform?
Eye Luggage: GOOD FOR YOU, PERSIS!!! do you know how DIFFICULT it must have been to refuse orders to get naked in the '70s?!!!
Persis: so much stress. i started smoking...
Persis: hey if you notice when i become The Probe and dress in that white evening gown with that cherry stuck in my throat, i'm wearing HEELS. yeah, nobody ever sees the heels. what kind of probe wears heels?
Stephen Collins: i only remember all that Art Deco in that one room...
Shatner: that looked like it hurt, Mr. Chekov.
Walter Koenig: IT SLICED OFF MY HAND!!! AND BURNED OFF MY HAND!!! now i know how Dr. Claw feels!!!
Spock: i love traveling outside of the ship. i can't stand those humans. plus this would make a cool Disneyland ride. whoa, this thing is a living machine. that's scientifically possible, right?
Isaac Asimov: yes. i just created it. in a novella that won't be out for 5 years. the universe is MINE!!!
Dirg: so the Big Bad enemy is a cloud?
Bob Ross: not cool, man,
Bob Ross punches Dirg in the face.
Bones: what is this strange alien language on the probe?
Cecil B. DeMille: it's an NFT. this probe is the EXACT prop i used for Moses's boat...
Sulu: oh my.
Kirk: are we on the surface of a planet? eh, same thing, it's all just one set. so it was the Voyager 6 probe all along.
Kate Mulgrew: and HOW long do i have to wait to captain my own ship?!!!
Kirk: NASA? but NASA was a complete failure. i don't get it, ancient humans used these probes to land on the moon. why? there's nothing on the moon...
Spock: everything must evolve, ESPECIALLY machines.
Mickey Mouse: yeah, tell that to my Black Hole...
V'Ger: so life is meaningless?
Spock: well, the God you've been looking for for a billion years is actually humans.
V'Ger: now i REALLY want to kill myself.
Stephen Collins: i'm sorry, Persis!!! i LOVE you, Persis!!! if we get together and you become my wife MY LIFE will be SAVED!!!
Persis: you've betrayed me one too many times, Steph.
Stephen: but i can save YOUR life!!!
Persis: how?
Stephen: i had the nicotine gum in my uniform pockets but i ate the gum for lunch at the Paramount commissary.
Captain Kirk: Captain's Log. Stardate: Some Year. V'Ger is no more. those two, like, fucked and fused into a light ball. i want to fuck this new alien species. Kirk out. i wouldn't list my dead crewmembers as dead per se.........more like Missing.
Everything But The Girl: okay, you can use our song on the soundtrack. but for the music video we get Spock wandering around a deserted London cement street in the rain...
Jerry Goldsmith: have you finally noticed? the end song of this film is the Next Generation theme song!!! next time you see Picard and Data and Wesley and them boys and hear that music, know that it's just the first-film music!!! for the movie no one watched!!!
William Shatner: i still do not understand why i was not invited to do the soundtrack, my spoken word would have gone great with that blaster beam...
Robert Wise: as the director, i wanted MORE special effects. we had to rival Star Wars, sadly all we got were '70s special effects. sigh. there's a lot of TALKING in this movie. AND a lot of silence in this movie. i am wise.
Khan: hey Gene Roddenberry, are you jealous that once you got kicked off the Star Trek film franchise it got popular with ME?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Gene Roddenberry: i do not believe in God, i believe in aliens. g'night folks.
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