all flags are at half-mast.
JFK: times are tricky. these mass shootings are a pandemic in this country for which there is a vaccine. we are taking it from both sides right now: homegrown terrorists and those we fight overseas abroad in foreign countries. all for the cure? it's all connected, all interrelated, it's all of a piece, it's all in an effort to unsow division, fight the good fight, bring our people home. to make the world One. believe me, globalization is the only thing which can save this planet called Earth.
Dan Aykroyd: globalism?
JFK: that's such an ugly word, Dan. cabal, coven, these labels are too easy. it's about making the tent big enough so everyone can join the secret society, so EVERYONE can join the club, the club of the global village.
Jillian Clare: my first year on the job as SAG-AFTRA president has been a doozy. a stray dog waltzed into my backyard.
Dan: it jumped the fence?
Jillian: no, knocked on my door like Three's Company. this dog has the most radiant soapy grey eyes. Alaskan Malamut. no tags, no traces, not spayed, i hate irresponsible dog owners. i was driving my jeep all morning looking for his owner. but i gave up and decided this white wolfhound was for me when he said the following:
dog: Republican ideas don't make sense.
JFK: Vietnam is ugly. it's an ugly situation. i am the President, i can DO SOMETHING. why just look at the series finale of This Is Us, everyone still wants to be President. i have an idea to get us out of Vietnam, but first i'm issuing an executive order which bans guns in this country.
Jillian: SAG supports this motion.
Dan: wait, you're going to Vietnam? KFC in Vietnam? that's a BRILLIANT idea!!!
JFK: not helping, Dan.
Venkman: i'm going to Vietnam...
at the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial.
Amber: i want my name first when the Trial is mentioned.
Depp: i want MY name first when the Trial is mentioned.
trial: the trial will end on May 27, Friday, to compete with opening night of Top Gun: Maverick.
Phoenix's Dutch half: the universal greeting in Amsterdam? the middle finger. but it's a fun middle finger.
Jillian Clare: i'm studying pub administration.
Monica Lewinsky: so, like, the physics of chugging beers?
Jillian: i'm also working on my trapezius muscles, a very delicate operation for a woman.
Monica: don't get lapband surgery. a feminine flower? nah, you're a feminist feminine flower.
Rudy Giuliani: if i were a Democrat, i would have been President already...
will Zalatoris?
brasserie: no, it's not that...
Lutetia: Ancient Paris
Hotel Lutetia: good brasserie
mantul: DAMN BABY YOU LOOK REAL GOOD!!! in India
Mardith: sex on the beach is actually uncomfortable.
Madame Pons: right? you get sand in your pants.
Mardith: i prefer to have sex without pants but i get your drift.
Anthony Albanese: i shall bring both sides together. i am friends with both Dolly Parton and the Smiths on one side AND Joy Division on the other side...
Jerry & Marge Go Large: it's not Breaking Bad. it looks like Breaking Bad but it's not Breaking Bad...
Secret Oath: *neighing* i'm not Secretariat...
USFL: there are literally NO FANS IN THE STANDS...
USFL: i mean if you win the USFL Championship, what does that mean?...
Lance Armstrong: Kaitlin Armstong is not related to me, okay?!!! she's not one of my 3 daughters...
Emma Thompson: i was set to do my first nude sex scene.........but Stephen Fry backed out at the last minute.
Chip N Dale: our new movie is cool. has there ever been a cartoon team that's one part CGI and one part old-school traditional line pencil-and-pen hand-drawn animation?
Natasha Lyonne: when you were tickling me in that SNL sketch, Freddy, it brought back old times.
Fred Armisen: of our Portland pool?
Natasha: no, the SEX!!! THE SEX, man!!! wanna get back together? for old times' sake?
Fred: it's only been a week. i do like sake tho.
Natasha: wanna just make out now for a few minutes?
Dirg: why is Japanese Breakfast Korean?...
Dirg: why do only young men from India like all the female big-booty porn pics serving as spam on Instagram?...
Martin Yan: i feel so sorry for all the ants who get stuck in oil puddles caused by my oil can and die. i hate that for those ants.
Cecily Strong: SNL is high school. every season finale is prom, we will never see our castmates classmates again.
Kyle Mooney: make no mistake, this is a business.
Cecily: bye, Kyle Bear. i'll miss you. you want me to leave the show, too, and join you?
Kyle: i'm down but i don't think Kate Lyn Sheil would like that very much...
Taylor Harry Fritz: all men now regard Harry Styles as our God...
Olive Oatman: oat milk in Alaska is better...
Gladyce cheekily makes her hot cup of coffee stirring it with her finger then quickly takes a shower so quick that the coffee is still hot when she's done with the shower...
Pete Davidson: look, i'm from the streets, okay? i get it. me and Kim K? wedding stage is a distinct possibility. baby stage.........not so much.
vision board: it will come true, trust me. believe me it does, it's just, it's not gonna happen next week. your wish might not happen for 90 years. it might only finally manifest on your deathbed.
Mardith: great. i mean i know, that's what i've been preaching. but, like, wait, i forgot, am i a witch? Madame Pons, can you make me a witch so i last immortal?
Madame Pons: i'm only a half-witch. now. for now. it's one of those things where you can't be a witch if all you want is to last forever. if all you want is to hurry. a true crone must be immoral before she can be immortal...
Dirg: i talked to my father and he said the only pretty girls i'll ever talk to are those who are trapped at home with a chronic condition.
topless woman saves pet goose from bald eagle: TONIGHT ON Inside Edition!!!
Luka Doncic: um, why is DIRK on the cover of NBA2K22?
Dirk Nowitzki: cos i'm a porn star.
Medvedev: i am against the war in Ukraine.........is what i wish i COULD say...
Steven Universe: hamburger is fancier meat than steak.
Minecoin: i was the first NFT
Doryce: here, where do you want to put the decorative chips for The Treehouse garden, dear?
Gladyce: those aren't your cow chips, right dear?
Natasha Cloud: i was named after Mario, not Princess Peach.
Aleshia Ocasio: we were destined to be together, i'm from St. Cloud, Florida...
crones: we love them cos Natasha is from Broomall.
Kingston tummy: really hungry
Mardith dumps all the rubber bands down the recycling bin...
The pimply Pope: how'd i get this itchy shiner on my bloody cheek and hairy nose? how'd you think?...
Cindy Sherman: sex to me is one big black hole...
Iveagh Gardens: the new home of Wimbledon...
Medvedev: will Russians be allowed?...
American Idol: we wanted so badly to be the Miss America Pageant of now. but it's not the '80s anymore, you can't win American Idol in 2022 and hope to launch your career...
Kelly Clarkson wearing a silver suit of armor that glows blue: i was a billion shot, i just happened to come first. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE first.
Andy Murray: hey Beto, if you get arrested leave it to me, i'll take your place and talk about Dunblane, they can't arrest me, i'm a foreigner here legally. perhaps talking in a dignified British accent will startle and jar them, jolted so much they'll change the laws. it seems so obvious and simple from across the pond. the World Pond. only your country has this problem.
Jack Dorsey: i made SURE Elon Musk bought Twitter. what a sucker, now Elon is STUCK with the mess that is Twitter!!!...
Jack Dorsey: now i can go off in my jeep and beachcomb the sand picking up beach trash as a beach bum.
Seth Green: my Bored Ape NFT FINALLY brought down Robot Chicken, i can't pay for the show anymore...
Kevin Bacon: hey i saw a poster of your Bored Ape NFT on the subway...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Peter Frampton: nothing at all. that is, "Nothing At All", my song.
Liz Phair: your song "Nothing At All" inspired my song "Never Said Nothing". except you rode your bicycle to your song, i rollerbladed to my song inside a hydroponic arboretum...
Peter Frampton: i don't get it, i'm in a greenhouse but i'm not feeling hot...
Peter: but feeling warm globally...
Liz: um, those overhead sprinklers keep the plants wet to keep the organic carrots crunchy.
Liz: old man, think of it as a mist. you know, a sauna you oldies love to squeeze into a phonebooth for?
Peter: young miss i know not of this mist, if it's cum to which you are referring that misting is hot and white and more of a shower.
Eye: The Night Before from 1988 and go.
JFK: i'd just like to reiterate to all the prom kids out here that sex is NOT where it's at. sure it's fun to fuck in the back of a limo but then what do you do with the pregnancy? i'm opening up more abortion clinics each day but girlie you're gonna have to tell your dad ONE day. like that Madonna "Papa Don't Preach" video. i'll have a special guest for you at the last dance...
Kenau Reeves: sorry, this is the most generic movie title of all time.
Jack from Lost: not necessarily. the time-travel flashbacks and flashforwards utilized here in this film are revolutionary...
Laertus's dad: this is right where i live. the '80s and prom. i think back to that Saturday Night Live episode with the moonlit NYC skyline in the back where Julia Louis-Dreyfus describes in her poofy '80s prom dress how her prom sucked.
Laertus: thanks, dad. a lot of tragedy emanates from this film. let's start with Theresa Saldana:
Theresa Saldana: yeah i'm salty like sardines. it's a miracle i stand before you today right now alive. i got cut up by a madman, he stabbed me right in the neck. this Scottish stalker thought himself an angel of death, an angel of Mercy. why did MY stalker have to be Scottish?
Andy Murray: don't pan the camera over to MY face. Mercy Murray? no, it wasn't me. i didn't do it. i consider myself an angel of RIGHTEOUS ANGER, of causes, someone who protests and gets things done...
Theresa Saldana: working with Scorsese, the worst decision of my career!!! worst decision of my life!!! cos it almost cost me my life. I'M NEVER MOVING TO MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA AGAIN!!! my stalker story was made into the first Lifetime movie. and i did an episode of Hunter based on my real-life stalker story.
Garrett Morris from SNL: and i want to thank you for that. audiences got to see that i could do serious drama, too.
Theresa Saldana: do you know how traumatizing it was to act out all the stalking scenes that happened to me in real life for a fictional tv show? all that pain was retriggered in me, revisited upon me. tho it was cathartic to shoot the show-stalker dead with a gun.
Stepfanie Kramer: Stepfanie is exotic, Stephanie is just Stefanie.
Zoe Saldana: no relation. but i have my own trauma.
Theresa Saldana: huh, whaddaya know, it's Hollywood and i'm a woman. an ETHNIC woman looking for a part in a movie. and the only role available is to play a hooker...
Laertus: and Trinidad Silva:
Trinidad Silva: what did i do to deserve this? what short end of the straw did i draw? i mean i was already a short man, you know how humiliating it is to be a Spanish short man? you can't even be a Mexican boxer when you're short, you have to go to the Philippines and run for office for that. i dreamt of being a Luchadora. my name is already a rad wrestler name. why was my life cut short in a car accident? i was just getting started in life with a wife and young kid...
Weird Al Yankovic on the UHF set: i don't know, it's an unspeakable horrific tragedy. with my fro i tried out for that Bob Ross Lifetime movie. they said i didn't have enough magic in my audition...
Keanu: you'll notice that we don't actually GO TO THE PROM. you don't SEE what our actual prom looks like. what our prom is.
JFK: i shall remedy this. kids, everyone, follow me to your prom.
Keanu and Lori's class all migrate over to the cafeteria where the prom is being held.
JFK: it's nice and cold in here.
streamers tape to the corners of the ceiling, in lieu of basketball lines lines are drawn in sugar not chalk circling the oven and the microwave oven. gangrenous green smoke and hazy orange smoke fill the air indoors up to the ceiling filling all the green and orange balloons up there. there's not a lot of space to dance cos the long table in the middle of the room takes up a lot of space.
Gordon Ramsay: ...
JFK: but that just means when you crazy kids dance you'll be VERY close to each other, cheek to cheek bodies squeezed together to form one body. a tux melted into a gown. as you can see in place of the disco ball we have a loud whirring swirring swirling whirling helicopter rotor encircling the room back and forth taking up the air with a wind so fierce all the girls' skirts lift up. that's intentional. it's meant to remind you of the horror going on right now in Vietnam, that's not a green helicopter, it's a spackled mottled chopper.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: i mean this IS the '80s...
JFK: and now kids and dancers and no DJ, turn your attention to the front of the stage as i present my special guest who will put a scare into you, Ms. Sasha Grey!!!
the prom erupts in cheer.
Sasha Grey: prom pron porn. thank you. look, i know you think prom is fun but prom sucks. fucking is not fun for me, sex is my business. i was right where you were right now. a "couple" of years ago. the man is long gone, my date AND my dad. i don't want you to end up a cliche. a statistic. i had a prom baby. yep, i had romantic intercourse in the velvety backseat of a limousine and i delivered the baby right there, it spilled out of my vagina onto the velvet cushion of the backseat. she was the most beautiful baby i had ever seen, had my shiny forehead, that face was GOLDEN GODDESS!!! i named her Sahur Of The Dawn. luckily as always with these small towns there's a church next to the whorehouse that was used for our prom so i entered a religious institution for the first time. there i became a vitralista to pay for my baby's life. so she could have a nice life. with me. turns out i'm a RAD stained-glass worker, my stained-glass window art sells for BILLIONS on Instagram!!!
the prom audience claps politely like they're the crowd attending a classical-music concert.
Sasha: oh and i'll be your DJ for this night of yours tonight but the only song i'll be spinning on these here ol' turntables will be "The End" by The Doors...
Suzanne Snyder: i know i look like Cynthia Geary from Northern Exposure but i'm not. has Mississippi ever won an Emmy? i was in Weird Science.
Keanu: was that movie weird?
Suzanne: i'm not sure whether you're cute cos you look dumb and can't say your lines or are you just young and inexperienced as an actor?
Keanu: both.
Keanu: i can't act. i don't know what i'm doing.
Alex Winter: relax, buddy, go with the flow, man, just be you, be Keanu, be Zen.
Laertus's dad: i do appreciate this storytelling method, this dazzle device. it's cool, it's different. you pick up scenes in a flashback scene and then the watcher has to piece the puzzle pieces together in their mind to glue the narrative into a whole, it's of a piece with the Great American Novel.
Keanu: what is my destiny? what is my web?
Tito: you will go on to become the Internet's Boyfriend. i should have become king of the Tostinos pizza-roll empire making off with a king's ransom. instead, electric cars didn't arrive in time...
Keanu: is it all a dream?
Tito: it was for me.
Keanu: i'm the first member of the Astronomy Club who doesn't wear scotch-taped-up glasses.
Lori Loughlin: look, Keanu, don't make me use the word swell in an actual conversation in real life. you're not the type of boy i usually go to prom with. i mean, you're a dork. but when i look at your face, i mean you're KINDA handsome?...
dad: and this is the part of the movie where i take out my long guns from my skinny wardrobe, polish them with my tongue, to scare you and all the other of my Jewish princess's potential suitors.
JFK: not cool right now, sir.
Lori: i'm not Jewish, i'm a jailbird.
dad: you do NOT want to mess with the Jewish mafia.
Keanu: why o why did i have to get involved with the daughter of the CHIEF OF POLICE?!!! WAH WAH.
Jillian Clare: oh look! it's my friend Patrika Darbo from Days of our Lives!!! as the woman on the public payphone describing a blowjob in great detail!!! she looks GOOD in Jem!!!
Tiny Lester: i'm in this movie as always as the bit part of the saloon owner. barman extraordinaire. don't look at my eye, my muscley chest is down here. what'll it be?
Keanu: tequila. in fact give me the WHOLE agave plant i'm a man!!!
Keanu: come on, dance with me, Lori Loughlin, i'm wearing a white jacket like Humphrey Bogart.
Keanu: you know most people are murdered by someone they know.
Theresa Saldana: not cool, chico.
Keanu: hey but anyways why did you become a hooker?
Theresa Saldana: well first of all look at my tits. yeah. and second, i've.........had a rough life. a rough REAL life.
Parliament Funkadelic: this was a cool gig. no jive. John Belushi wants us to perform at his private party next week...
Lori: are you stupid? do you not know what a magnet does?
Keanu: yeah, you put it on an icebox to keep the beers cold.
Laertus: all you need is Los Angeles, nothing more, i love it. downtown L.A. provides the backdrop if you need mean streets, the ghetto, the setting for the poor, the place where you are only allowed to search for a missing person at 3AM. Beverly Hills provides the mansions, the rich life, swimming pools. filled swimming pools.
Dirg: yuck.
Eye: Beverly beaver.
parking validation: i don't need no validation. as an actor i'm ON THE SAME LEVEL as Kenau Reeves right now!!! think about it!!! i'm running lines with this awkward gangly kid and i'm the more confident one, this guy who will be.........NEO!!!
at the diner
Keanu: is Alice here? or is this a David Lynch diner?
Alice: what will i cook, handsome?
Keanu: where am i?
Alice: you better pay with BetterPay or you'll be doing dishes till there's an ingested Tide Pod in every home.
Keanu: i just want a plain non-glazed donut. i'm already glazed. glazed over. okay fine, i want a cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger...
Keanu: okay so i sold my date into prostitution for $100. but that's a lot of money in the '80s.
Theresa Saldana: who are you, James Caan? and who is she, Sarah Jessica Parker?!!!
Keanu: let me smell your breath.
Danny Boy breathes on Keanu Reeves.
Danny Boy: this is kinky.
Keanu: you are seedy.
Danny Boy: yeah i smell of seed, i just ate some sunflower seeds from the vending machine.
Keanu: are you a pimp?
Danny Boy: yes and no. i'm a car pimp.
Keanu: here's my plan. i'll use this cigarette-lighter that looks like a gun to fool the pimp into thinking it's a real gun. i got it from the vending machine downstairs in the lobby of the apartment the pimp lives at...
pimp: don't worry, i've never seen that vending machine in all the years i've lived here and i don't smoke. a lighter in the shape of a real gun, what will the wonders of science grant us next!!!
Lori Loughlin: so the producers said i had to wear a white bra and panties even though it's not necessary within the framework of the scene for me to do so to make the scene work.
Keanu: here, take my miniskirt and tubetop.
Lori: i mean it's a miniskirt and a tubetop, if you're gonna wear a miniskirt and a tubetop you might as well just wear panties and a bra.
Keanu: Lori Loughlin, you are handcuffed to the bed. get used to being in handcuffs.
Lori: so it takes a feat of strength to lug around this entire iron headboard of this iron bed and still be chained to it. i sawed it off from the bedframe with my tongue. this headboard will be good practice for me when i get an Italian husband...
Lori Loughlin: i don't care if i go to jail later in life, i kissed Keanu Reeves IN THE MOUTH!!!
Lori Loughlin: shit, there are no more answering machines in the world.........i can't lie anymore. g'night folks.
JFK boards a helicopter bound for Vietnam. as the chopper tries to land on the helipad two GIANT comets of stanky purple and orange napalm whizz by the chopper ricocheting off its blades and scraping the paint off the sides. the heli tumbles round and round and around...
JFK: oh.........shit i get carsick!!! turn this car around!!! i mean LAND!!!
JFK: where's Dan Aykroyd? we crashed but don't worry i will replant these trees personally. they are palm trees after all. who fired those enemy shots?
the Viet Cong in the prom crowd deep in the jungle remain silent as JFK takes the stage.
JFK: okay this is what i'm gonna do. hey Viet Cong, LOOK AT ME!!!
the Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In hollywood-squares tic-tac-toe grid is wheeled onto the stage. JFK punches a hole in the center diamond and comes out with a sockpuppet on his hand.
JFK: SOCK IT TO ME!!!
the Viet Cong laugh cheerily.
this gives JFK just enough time to distract them, long enough to get every last American soldier out of those impossible Vietnam jungles.
JFK: these woods are nice actually, good vacation spot when this thing blows over. okay, mission accomplished.
JFK hanging by the helicopter hatch open taking in a fierce galestorm wind: we never should have started this war in the first place.
The Byrds "Turn Turn Turn" plays them out.
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