at the Friends Reunion, the Gin Blossoms stare at a fish swimming in a blender full of water.
Ethan Hawke: i'm still waiting.........to get my Jim Morrison on.
ATP Uncovered: remember when you watched This Week In Baseball?
Roger Federer: we never had a Vin Scully of tennis, despite John McEnroe's objections. i wish i had the time to leisurely watch an hour program each week to get caught up on the minutiae of the ATP Tour. i really want a behind-the-scenes of Zverev's toilet to see if it wears a mask when the lid is up.
Emelie Hollow: i'm like Bjork. except my mom's not a wood nymph. i was born in a forest hollow tho.
Kralice: thank you, we're the real Bible, not the Gnostic Bible. the real Chalice of Christ. Christ was a Turk. Jesus would lead the Young Turks today.
Laertus's dad: Cenk looks like a guy i went to St. Cyril's with...
Gina: we gotta get in shape for summer.
Pat: oh Gina, baby...
Gina: don't call me baby.
Pat: Gina don't be superficial.
Gina: i know but the sex is better when the bodies are harder.
Pat: yeah but what about the spelling test?
Gina: they still do spelling tests? spelling won't matter when computers hit.
Max Kellerman: i have to agree, slightly. you will have to spell the name of your spellcheck right.
Rosie O'Donnell: i refuse to get in shape. that's the most empowering thing a woman can say ever at this time.
Pat: i got a very special place i'd like to take all of you that will combine and merge all the themes this week.
Michelle Williams: you're surprised i had depression? EVERYONE in show biz has depression, that's part of the deal.
Eye Luggage: it's quite uncomfortable for a goth like me for it to be 8PM and i look up at the sky and see a bright shining sun.
Paul L Smith: i KNEW there was a reason Delocated was my favorite show...
Severide: for a very unique mustache-ride on the blade of a musketeer.
Bette Ford: why wasn't I asked to play in the live-action Ferdinand? come on, Disney, you gotta show a little blood.
Mardith: i want my wedding to be New Agey like that Wonder Years episode "The Wedding". then i want to move away to the Northern Exposure tv show.
Madame Pons: but i'd miss you terribly.
Mardith: don't be so Lisa-Loeby, visit me whenever you wish, live with me, just wear a hat.
Madame Pons: i can't wear a hat, the world must see my purple hair.
Dirg: why do they make it so hard to recycle? the blue-bin man only comes on that very specific date: Friday at 5AM. no time else. all other times he's far away his truck up in the Simi Valley Hills...
Lizard Wizard: dinosaur shakeweight...
Annie Stegg: my stag parties involve magic deer, not Satanic deer.
Phil Mickelson: don't talk to me till i put on my shades. i prepared for Tron before any human.
Emma Malonelord: Maggie Malone ended up being my mom. Maggie Malone, would have been Annie but she despised acting. Maggie Malone from St. Cyril's, the best place in the world!
Amy Tran: no, the tea woman.........i do write a blog tho.
Mardith: you're not officially married until there's a line on your Wikipedia entry about your wedding.
Kenyatta: not EVERY city makes it to Wikipedia...
Miranda Cosgrove: i only did the iCarly reboot to get the money for North Hollywood, today's Gleaming The Cube. those skateboards mounted on the back of the iCarly set were not for show!
Jennette McCurdy: no i'm not the spokeswoman for Jenette Bras.........tho that would have been perfect.
Max Kellerman huffing and puffing and clutching his knees: Pat i think i'm gonna do the Fifth Avenue Mile, i can't do another jogathon...
Madame Pons to Mardith: hang out with Jillian Clare and Maiara Walsh, learn from them, they are empaths, they feel the pain of the entire world. they take the time to check in on their followers.
Laertus: all art accounts on Instagram have to be commentless now in order for the artist to truly post truly express the art they want to show. ridiculous.
Dirg: no spraying the Statue of Liberty's armpits, man.
Dirg: so only women want to feel clean in the bathroom? oh really?
Safeway: you can get your covid shot here! AND 20% OFF ALL ABUELITA POWDER! also get your Peyronie's shot here! that's what that giant banana in front means!
Dirg: i got a crush on her.
Laertus: it's a trap. a jillion other of her subscribers has a crush on her.
Lilith Czar: Billy's song "Czarina" was me, Corgan had a crush on me WAY before we were labelmates.
Jack Tripper: you know how Three's A Crowd could have gotten a second season? Kottabos.
Dirg: yeah that's like a kiki, right? perfect for Jack Tripper.
Michael Weiss wearing a Luffy straw hat: if you watch a person's Instagram everyday for 10 years, it's like you've lived their life. not vicariously, you've ACTUALLY lived their life. no need for a telescope and pirate patch.
Evelyn Y Davis: i just wanted to be a stage showgirl, a flapper into freak, a Barbra Streisand reciting Shakespeare in a cocktail dress.
Kyle Jesus on SNL: all my homies hate Mami-chan...
Dirg at CVS:
Mardith: all the promise of an entire world in that one shot, and that hole is so tiny.
Dirg: the same could be said about you......just kidding.
Mardith: that bandage on your shoulder is so small.
Laertus: your employer should give you a day off to get the vaccine.........and a day off to recover from the vaccine.
Dirg: they had one bathroom in that entire whole huge cavernous warehouse CVS Superstore and it was plonked right there in the middle of the brown yellow-brick-road carpet, open from the top like an office cubicle, like a second-vaccine-administration booth. it was so embarrassing to have to go.
Eye Luggage: it's weird seeing aisles on carpet. but also comforting.
John McEnroe: it's not like i want NO line-judges. just robot judges. you know how fun it is to argue with a robot judge?
Dirg: i'm scared of women with L.A.-writer's face.
Julia Stiles: John Jay Hallway was our love shack.
Madame Pons to Mardith: remember, girl, California psychics. California Psychics. actresses can never skip their dental cleaning, keep that in mind, young Mardith.
Dirg: i'm just sitting alone in my room wondering to myself,
what would a strong woman do with me? why would a strong woman want to hang out with me?
Doryce: i finally figured out how to take out Mardith's trash! WASH the trash first! THEN dump it in the trash.
Dirg: i spotted this tiny short Spanish cutie named Vanessa at The Store, she was trailing me at every booth and aisle, then i met her at the service booth where she worked for The Store as she took one hour to check my I.D. and confirm i was who i said i was cos she thought i forged the check to a $300 purchase. soured me on her after that but i still asked her out. later i removed a sharp-edged rock from under the path of her parked jeep.
Laertus: why are you buying $300 worth of groceries? you don't have a girlfriend...
Gladyce: it's a coup whenever i fit all the frozen food in the lowest compartment of the Treehouse refrigerator boxes and all.
Rubikon: one thing's for sure, when you get done watching My Life As A Dog in a windsor chair you will know EVERY village in Sweden. the Swedes know more about American history than we do.
cat familiars: we felt so bad for Sickan, leave that poor dog alone! he's not meant to SIC he's meant to be SICK AND CARED FOR! he's experienced so much trauma. even BEFORE the whole Laika thing. those mascara-stained fur-under-the-eyes of his.
Gladyce: i've seen those toasters that flip the bread over, only available at Sweden Macy's.
Doryce: BAMA! meet me in the Swedish town of Some Wedding...
Dirg: at least the kid didn't have to sleep with the old widow...
Takahashi: let's everyone calm down and go to White Castle.
Eye Luggage: when Ingemar gets off the train the two caretaker-guardian adults are thinking
why is this little boy traveling alone on a train with a suitcase heavier than him?
Dirg: i'm sorry but no French-toast recipe calls for it to be cooked in cum.
Sasha Sloan: we are all only children.
Paul Pierce: my dream since i was little was to run a strip club. no niblings ever.
Snowpiercer: we use the same stripper-trestle as Requiem For a Dream, right, Jennifer?
Mardith: Dirg we're done, rare moon tonight.
Dirg: i did like how you motioned the vaccine jab as a side-back-and-forth blowjob in your mouth stretching your left cheek.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Aileen Quinn: Pig In A Poke, both me and Teen Titans Go. Annie is a kid for both millennia.
Eye Luggage: Perfect and go. get Billy Corgan out of the podcast booth! the 1985 film.
Dirg: speaking of Pig In A Poke, look at John Travolta's pokie! not pokies like on a woman but a man's pokie which is his cockhole seen through his short-short '80s shorts in the gym working out aerobics.
The Jersey Journal: we're the New Jersey version of the New York Post.........just think about that for a moment, wrap your head around that one.
Trae Young: I DON'T CARE!!! i'm young! the concession trays are back that's all that matters.
Tyzik: hey it's Rolling Stone Magazine again! like in Almost Famous!
Eye Luggage: i find this fascinating, i do believe this is the only time the actual real-life editor of Rolling Stone, Jann Wenner Himself, is in a movie.........acting as HIMSELF IN REAL LIFE.
Jann Wenner: yep, i mean i don't even do that for Almost Famous! if i had been in that film i would have been played by a character actor.
Quentin Tarantino: this film is an UNDERRATED GEM. it's so overlooked and panned as canned and campy and bad but it really is a great little movie full of sound deep themes! it's not about flesh! it's about the mind. and ethics and stuff. and those cameos are out-of-sight BOOM right there IN MY FACE BIG on the silver screen!
Quentin: let's talk to some of these people.
Mira Sorvino: can we PLEASE remove this pathetic excuse for a man OUT of the podcast booth?!!!
Quentin: Jann Wenner. what was your favorite part?
Jann: the ending. did you see that ending? when i'm shaking my penis and rump and ass all around in a grey aerobics suit and sweat-headband like everyone else in the movie. when i shed the stuffy suit-and-tie of a music man.
Quentin: i know, THAT ENDING. that ending seals it!!! it is SO fun!
Quentin: Anne De Salvo.
Anne De Salvo: why didn't i become a bigger star? i make you salivate. not just when i wore that gray leotard. where's my gum? i'll break your balls with my gum-chewing mouth and heels. i am WAY sexier than Linda Fiorentino and Marisa Tomei!!!
Marilu Henner: i memorized the script before it was written. see this was back in the day when i was REALLY hot, on fire like my hair, Taxi hot, when i turned men yellow when they tried to touch me, when i was known for my tits instead of what i'm know for today: my brain.
Laraine Newman: imagine if GILDA RADNER played this instead of me.........that was a joke. so you see life is all about comparison, as Glanzelius from My Life As A Dog teaches us. it's not all about the balloon glands. on the original SNL i was the babe of the group, but when compared to Marilu and Jamie Lee i'm the runt of this litter. i still got face but my boobs leave much to be desired, BUT I DON'T CARE! that's why i'm funny, which lasts longer than gum.
John Travolta: my mom's in this.........or is it my sister?
Carly Simon sidles up to Lauren Hutton in the lobby:
Carly: which of these two blondes didn't sleep with Eddie Murphy?
Lauren: don't you have a kid's show to get to?
Laertus's dad: Sports Connection was an actual health club, i visited it in L.A. when i was there.
Laertus: is that where you met mom? looking all Jane Fonda?
Laertus's dad: it was a singles bar dressed as an aerobics experience. but there were no orgies like Hollywood says there were. no bacchanalia in the backroom. no Keith Raniere. it was basically the '80s version of a cult, harmless stuff. MetLife before Snoopy swooped in and swallowed his best friend Woodstock.
John Travolta: Stephen A is jealous of Spike Lee's hat. i'm too nice and Italian to be playing a scummy character like this, it's not believable, my face is too handsome to be other than the leading man. i wrote obituaries in real life.........for my mom or was it my sister?
Dirg: who's the babe at the front desk in the beginning? cutie clerk.
Dirg: yeah i mean i don't get why there are two stories. the whole boring SVU sideplot with the businessman drugdealer is a snoozer, why is it in here? should have just been the grinding of the pelvis.
Eye Luggage: it's to show John the reporter is moral and a damn good writer if he does say so himself. he can be trusted with the truth, he will keep secrets, he will be trustworthy with sensitive materials in his short-short pockets.
John Travolta: okay is this exercise? aerobics? or just plain porn. is all this excessive gyration necessary?
Jamie Lee Curtis: yes, for copulation. the copulation of health.
Dirg: you know it's L.A. when the aerobics studio has TWO levels with stairs.
John: wanna go out?
Jamie Lee Curtis: i don't know, you look like Michael Myers without the mask.
John: it's the whole Emersonian Society, you know? people need to take care of themselves, government will NEVER do it for them, i mean we got the oldest corpse man ever in the Presidency, Reagan the Re-dead. The Mummy. no mommy state. humans have to fend for themselves, join their own cults to survive. fitness cults.
Jamie Lee: now THAT's a pickup line!
Jamie Lee: the world wants a prequel to this film, right? it was gonna be the story of me and my swim instructor when i was the tender age of Olympic hopeful. it's perfect to come out this Olympic year. to make sure NO girl athlete or not becomes a sex slave or takes shots from their male coach. i was very vulnerable when i was young, not the strong chick you see today.
Madame Pons: nah you were just a young girl in love.
Mardith: i hope to swim like a nun mermaid one day.
Eye Luggage: OMG that computer! boxy and big like what computers during the Tron world would have looked like.
Jamie Lee: wanna fuck?
John: the two greatest words in the English language, music to this writer's ears. okay but can i use my rubber hose? you have to relax your butt muscles or anal ain't work.
Laertus's dad: OMG the Chippendale dancers! now see back then i had no idea who these mysterious exotic erotic handsome male dancers were. until i became one later in life.
Laertus's dad: i thought they were Chip and Dale the Disney chipmunks.
Dirg: it's Dancing Bear CFNM before Dancing Bear CFNM!
Marilu: i hate myself in this role. i was so damn ditzy! not like me at all!
Laraine: let's see if they want a gangbang. maybe then some boy will love me? this script is depressing. if I need plastic surgery the world is DOOMED.
Anne De Salvo: without me there's no story, without pictures Americans are too dumb to care. look into my camera and tell me you love my accent i mean you love yourself.
Laraine: Mr. Goodbar...
John: is that a candybar?
Laraine: sigh jeez, that was my one funny line in this!
Dirg: okay that was funny when Jamie Lee stops the car in the middle of the highway by the cactus and bone-horns and pretends like she's had a change of heart and will let him back in the car but doesn't on that hot desert day...
Laertus: i mean the best part of this is the Boy George convention! see that had nothing to do with the script but it's there as the ultimate background atmosphere and it works so sumptuously to have a cast of thousands all dressed up as Boy George, it's so of-the-time!
Dirg: sigh jeez, cosplay before cosplay, all that time i thought it was George Michael and was missing the mustache rides.
John: i had to go to Morocco cos i really needed a bellydance.
lawyers: this is dangerous, John Travolta, where are the tapes?
John: those tiny little tapes are so cute!
lawyers: why do you like to be in a courtroom all the time?
John: prepping for my OJ Simpson miniseries.
Madame Pons: when she's angry she swims, when i'm angry i save the ocean.
Dirg: hey, no woman should EVER touch a man's computer!
Jann Wenner: you come to the office with a baseball bat?
John Travolta: next time it's gonna be a knife like Michael Myers!
Laertus: smelly sweaty bachelor-pad couch. that instructor that looks like the dude from Blink 182 when he plays his blond dad with the blond mustache in those videos.
Dirg: stripper sidestory that tries too hard to be Pam Grier. you mean to tell me there's no juice in that club? just smoothies and underwater mermaid entertainment? those bubbles were only a fart? this is a balcony love story not Romeo and Juliet.
Pat: pat ending.
Eye Luggage: agreed. this would have been more substantial if either:
1. John really does go to jail cos what he published is the truth no matter if it hurts Jamie Lee cos the truth is more important than pussy.
2. or John avoids jail by telling the press at the Belmont Stakes that the story and his entire journalism career is a lie, he only wanted Jamie Lee's Jane Fonda pussy and will fight for love by being as secretive as the Bump Organization.
3. either way, i needed John and Jamie Lee to go on Johnny Carson that night to tell Johnny what the hell John was thinking.
John Travolta: where were we?
Jamie Lee Curtis: you and me are in this together, in this jail cell together, we were just about to have our one-minute conjugal visit. g'night, folks.
Pat and the gang enjoy an evening at the Savoy Ballroom in Harlem to ring in the New Roarin' Twenties.........eventually. they dance the warm night away with a swarm of cicadas dancing over their heads. sweaty and exhausted they lean back slumped in their trestle chairs and listen to Confession without a monk on stage:
Josh Hartnett: thanks for staying. um, is this mic gonna electrocute me? that would not make me cute. i'm not good on the net. folks i just didn't want to be known as the WORST ACTOR OF ALL TIME, i wanted to be known for being in the a-ha "Take On Me" video as i fight off evil Mario and Luigi. that music video was the inspiration for Tron. good night. and please remember me in the morning.