Monday, May 17, 2021



Grampa Abe Simpson at the retirement castle: Louise left us. she had a nice room. and a nice butt.
orderly: died?
Grampa: no she fled with a woman named Thelma who couldn't get in the getaway car cos her blue hair wouldn't fit.

1. your first night out after covid lockdown and you catch a friend making a drunken pass at your significant other. which of the following most mirrors your feelings and thoughts?

a) ignore it, they are drunk off their ass:

that's no excuse, unless it's Purple Magic

b) alcohol is a truth serum, true feelings come out and this false friend is after my honey:

Maple Serum, cheaper Canadian drugs. yes it's a honeypot but undercover officers have feelings, too.

c) well my babe is pretty hot so i can't blame them for making a move:

this is how Alex Rodriguez is feeling right now

d) after a year of lockdown people are likely to flirt with a lamppost, NBD:

that happened to me, someone started to flirt with me outside a bar. i thought they liked me but they later said they thought i was a lamppost that's how skinny i am. i was so sad i turned on and i'm scared of the light.

e) hmmm i wonder if this friend is up for a threesome:

THRUPLE!!! all the cool kids are doing it!!! all the Congresspeople are doing it!!!

2. true or false: i am so bored with vanilla sex:

3. is it unreasonable to hope for mindblowing sex when you have been together for several years?:

the reason you're together for several years is PRECISELY for the mindblowing sex! you develop an unspoken chemistry in bed. the New England BBC Journal of Medicine explicitly states in its dry pages that those who experience mindblowing sex black out and see Jesus for a split second. for some Jesus appears as a UAP=Unidentified Aerial Pose.

4. name two things that could doom you current romantic relationship:

Zoom. cos it rhymes with doom. and Christopher Lloyd.

Doctor Doom accidentally exposes himself on zoom prompting him to be fired from turtle-slow cable and Judge Doom to be called in to apprehend him. Doctor Doom explains that this couldn't have happened cos his body is all-metal. at which point Doctor Doom and Doc Brown---the two doctors---flee in the DeLorean cos Doc Brown has been accused of having sketchy relationships himself...

5. a local sex educator is holding orgasm classes---as in how to give an orgasm. would you sign up to be the student or the demonstration model?

i live my life according to Jack Tripper. so i'd do what he did. i'd turn my back to the class, get up on the milky-white oval, take a deep breath, rapidly rip off my soft-felt cream-colored robe in one stroke exposing my 100% tight-from-nervousness naked body.........and swallow my spit in shock when i lock eyes on my two roommates sitting right there in the front row with brush in hand!:


BONUS: May 18 is World No Dirty Dishes Day, how will you celebrate?



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