Friday, May 7, 2021



* Erika Bratten: hello i'm the new weather girl.
Gina De Vecchio: but you're just Gina De Vecchio Junior.
Fuerza: when are EITHER of you gonna get married?!!! it's lonely at the top. when you're God people forget you exist, i haven't gotten flowers for Mother's Day in centuries!

* radio announcer: it's a sunny 78 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. or in your ethernet, get the fuck up go the fuck outside and get the fuck to work. Gum Globe, i'm giving you permission to be extra, you've earned it. splurge on that yacht...

* Not Too Distant Future: 2051. using the Mayan calendar. that was a great canceled show.

* dude: we can see people again? but how? do i kiss on the first date as a sign of our shared humanity? do we all immediately take a plane to India to help? i didn't bring my AXE products!

* on DM:
it's me!
wait which Alex are you? the man or the woman?

* i accidentally slipped my finger on my phone and deleted you. not my fault, my phone is covered in pizza grease!!!

* beard man: can i just yank this gold chain off to open my door?
shaved man with afro who looks like the Incubus bassist: yes, the landlord has no keys and is vacationing in Cancun.

* woman racing out of the building:
woman: wait i forgot how to put on a bra. do you put the bra under or over your clothes?
Meredith the Mindtaker: over...

* Boo-Boo Bear: NO FORNICATING IN THE PARK! do you want me to show you Gen Zers a show and return you to a time when adult swim was edgy and edgy meant something?

*  Adam Duritz: so are we making out or what?
Adam Duritz: *tear in his eye* i missed this.

* dude: the pandemic ain't over till i learn how to sing like Celine Dion.
Celine Dion: please join us for dinner, we're having meatloaf.
dude: please eat more, Celine, your fans are worried about you.

* weather women: okay we all chipped in to get you this.
Fuerza: Garbage Pail Kids Monopoly? i'm throwing this in the garbage. wait what else is in the bag? is that a Tom Brady Rookie Card?!!!
James Earl Jones: no, Darth Vader Rookie Card.

* Phoenix: this is one of those lazy afternoons where you jump up to your neighbor's roof in one jump, tell your neighbor you're on the Olympic Parkour Team, fold out a crisscross lounge-chair Tarantino-style, and smoke an entire pack of cigarillos as you listen to Dark Side of the Moon as you watch The Wizard of Oz on your watch.

* Elon Musk: you can't have a skit show if the entire cast hates your guts, that's not how skit comedy works, it's gotta be collaborative, gotta be an Instagram collab. they were trying to make me corpse every skit to sabotage me, they were that funny. so i'm not doing the show, i'm going back to twitter...

happy weekend, my babies


there's only ONE McDonalds in the whole area that's back open for indoor dining again! but that parking lot is a pain, i'm just gonna do the drivethru...  

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