Wednesday, May 5, 2021


Carolinus: writing that flows out of you is magic.

Dirg: cunnilingus?

DuckTales reboot: we had a better Huey, but we also had more hubris.

Pat and the gang are learning to skateboard on school grounds:

Pat: if i can skateboard, if i can do the slightest ollie, i'll be able to keep Gina.

Rosie O'Donnell: you can't keep girls.

Ryan Sheckler: i am a twinkle in the eye of one of the pleated girls playing hopscotch over there. i will become the youngest skateboard master of all time. but there are consequences. see i created videotaping my tricks with my handheld camcorder with the velcro for the handrest and it turned into something ugly. it turned into reality tv. i didn't date for 5 years!!!

Max Kellerman: did you eventually get married?

Ryan: yes but she sells seashells by the seashore so she's never home. never let em tell you otherwise: being a star sucks. being a YOUNG star sucks the suckiest. people confuse me for Justin Bieber all the time, no that was not me in the Hellmann's Best Foods mayonnaise commercial but i was a new man in Hell.

the crones at Jacques Pepin's kitchen table for a little youtube video his daughter camcords:

Doryce: i must say it is a RELIEF to get out of the house! cleaning up after Mardith is not a life. i love her but i had to say it. 

Jacques Pepin: people forget this all the time, NEVER BREAK THE SPAGHETTI IN HALF. put the spaghetti in WHOLE in your pot. AND ADD OIL. people add oil to the boiling water but they never add oil to the actual spaghetti on top after the meal is cooked.

LeBron: in Cloveland i can go to any bar i want.

Natick Mall: yeah yeah, Stranger Things, the glass elevator, LUSH. but WE GOT GNATS!!!

Tim Tebow saunters into Jaguars training camp sporting long blond locks of hair:

Tim Tebow: my minister would only allow Christian cartoons so i became a huge He-Man fan. 

Suzanne Somers: i'm the only gilf you'll need.

Palpatine: can i give you a hand with that?

Kurt Cobain: i am ashamed of my city right now.

Mark Zuckerberg: people hate me but what if brought back Robin Williams? i can do that you know. hand me that white cake...

Duff: i made the cake Belle Delphine used to smother and smear over her bare butt and skinny side during her Beauty and the Beast-table sex tape. 

Dirg: but who made the clear candy-cane buttplug? your Mystery Science Theater 3000-ripoff puppets?

Madame Pons: the buttplugs are crystal so they're from the fantasy realm.

Belle Delphine: any unused milk from The Flight of Dragons will become my used bathmilk.

Suzy Lu: do not confuse me with this wench.

Dirg: for your next scene?

Belle Delphine: there are no "scenes", this is all real life...

Gladyce: Doryce dear you cannot complain about Mardith's mess and trash around her computer station on her birthday.

Dirg: it's Mardith's birthday dinner you witch!

Dirg: the only thing i was thinking about today was to remember to wish Mardith a happy birthday, so i completely forgot to take out the trash.........and the recycling.

Mardith: you don't have to always be productive, i tell that to Dirg all the time.

Dirg: i got us a Do Not Disturb candle for your birthday.

Mardith: and i got you a Do Not Disturb I'm Already Disturbed candle.

The Edge: what's the fuss? there's a one-tree hill on one of my many sprawling Malibu estates. hey at least i'm not as bad as Bill Gates when it comes to land. 

Lisa Jakub: i opened up a burrito joint in San Francisco, it would have been a bigger seller in Popeye Village in Malta. and i married my best friend. everyone marries their best friend.

Madame Pons at the Kripalu yoga school: we're a dojo, which is basically public school. we want both gang members to come and heal.

Rae Dunn: i'm the Amy Tan of pottery.........cheugy? that's not cool.

Manhattan Mall: Batman and Woody Allen shop here.

Batman covers his eyes as he flies past Nintendo New York:

Batman: the cowl's not enough!

Coskun the screenager plans his grad party at the Marianas Trench Plate. only his girlfriend Pfingsten comes. with Pat's Pringles, the brand name changed.

Codrus: i'm setting up a new warmline, i call it TeenScreen...

Michael B Jordan: strangely i wasn't Jax in Mortal Kombat.........i was BORN to be Jax in Mortal Kombat.

Dirg: i didn't used to believe in evolution but then i started playing with Pokemon...

Mother Nature: on The Weather Channel, i'm a scientist.

Mardith: Dirg it's strange how you want me to interpret your lucid dreams when you're never lucid.

Takahashi: why does every anime hero chew on an alfalfa sprout?

Tamaki from Fire Force: i'm the first catgirl in anime history who's actually a cat!

Eren: i have a real head for won't be seeing me in 2022.

Gladyce: the only thing good about having a cracked lid over the recycle bin is you can just basketball the recyclables into the crack of the hole instead of having to lift that heavy lid.

AGNOTOLOGY is a new storefront opening up next to LUSH at the mall.

Michael Weiss in a purple wig: Instagram's like traffic parking, impatiently waiting for that notification tab to lift back up so you can squeeze in there and parallel-park.

Michael Weiss back on a college campus: i was roommates with Meg Griffin. that's the thing with Instagram, it's all hidden and secret, you don't know what others have in their DM, who they are talking to, which celebrities?

Doryce: Gladyce dear! Denny's got the green check again! indoor dining is back! time for silky syrup!!!

Gladyce: strange since this is a place for old people. Denny's is basically a nursing home for food.

Taylor Swift: hey if even I couldn't make Diet Coke cool young and hip, it's doomed.

LCSW: i'm not a masseuse.

Doryce: i did not sign up to be a garbageman......a garbagewoman maybe...

Madame Pons: wanna know what the real toxic board is? the Forever Alone board, leave that board immediately!!!

Mardith: yes, it keeps you tied to a board instead of trying to break free of boards.

Madame Pons: i'm getting into hogs. but only because i keep seeing that motorcycle emoji on Instagram.

koshary: we're better than Dunkin Donuts.

Quinnen: i was born inside a bell.

Terry Bradshaw: sorry about that. got a little old-man off-my-lawn heated there. i just wanted that tasty morsel from the Hunger Games or whatever for myself.

Mardith: so i'm watching the film tonight so all i'm having for dinner is popcorn, is that okay?

Doryce: yes but don't ask me.

Liv Lisa Fries: i was there when there still was a McDonalds in Obec. i was there when there still was a Pizza Factory in Obec. next to the Subway. sandwiches not the train station. and a hanging gardens of babylon next to Pizza Factory. 

Hisaye Yamamoto: i did what Amy Tan could never do: i explained the inherent impossibleness of the older Asian generation to communicate the deep feeling of the past to the younger Asian generation, except i did it in seventeen syllables.

Dirg: everyone's just tying to get by. whether you're in Jersey or Jordan everyone's trying to get into a soap opera.

Kenyatta: i don't use the word everybody.

Bill Gates up at the summit hang-gliding with Ann Winblad: so Ann, when will i get to be on Bob's Burgers?... 

Melinda Gates: no i'm not running Caitlyn Jenner's campaign as revenge. i won't be her shadow. i'm not home, the Dilbert towels at the Four Seasons are better threadcount and fluffiness than the ones at Xanadu 2.0.

Dirg: i almost told a waitress woman wearing a stormtrooper shirt at Taco Daughter "May the 4th be with you" instead of "Happy 4th". i stammered for 4 minutes, wanted to hide on an island in the moment. 

Takahashi: only YOU could be a dork amongst dorks.

Madame Pons uses a warding spell on Mardith before Mardith does her first cam...

Clarissa Ward: i'm like if your favorite doll from childhood you had tea with came to life to warn you as an adult.

Melissa Joan Hart: do not compare me with this fishmouthed wench.

Dirg: that shit was so hot my ipad-mini slipped off my fingers!

Takahashi: i'm mentoring a girl who does faceless wool earrings on Instagram. she is fed up with the cute guys hurriedly liking her pics quickly so they can get to the good stuff: the real prize, the kiwi skater babe with the big butt who's a mentor. 

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Woody Allen: whenever i'm feeling frazzled inside i think of my new mantra and the warm feelings flow back in me: that pic of me and Mira at the racetrack watching the horsies glide on air. and the headline of the article: 

When You're Smiling: Mighty Aphrodite at 25

Sydney Bromley: DRAGON SAUCE AT CHIPOTLE!!! i did an ad for them just this week...

Eye Luggage: The Flight of Dragons and go.

Laertus: sorry but i gotta take the mic here. this was my dad's all-time favorite film, animated or no. it fills him with such feeling and nostalgic tinge tingle. he saw it ONCE on a lazy Sunday afternoon in the '80s on Channel 5. back in the day there was no repeat, there was no internet, you had to have a superbrain to remember to VIDEOTAPE THIS ONE MOMENT IN TIME or you were shit out of luck. go to the black market to find the cassette along with the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Laertus's dad: the ending was the scene i held onto all through childhood, prescreen teenagedom, and into adulthood. the scene got hazy in my recollect but it never left me, it was of a man with glasses?... 

Jack Tripper: i know it's hard, i never wore glasses.

Laertus's dad: he goes to a sprawling-city curiosity shop on the corner, in exchange for a D&D-vibes board game. the seller behind the counter who has a suspiciously recognizable voice is aghast and shocked and i remember this one line of his crystal-clear:

where do you young people get this stuff?!!

Laertus's dad: the man has a sword not his penis and the beautiful blonde woman who comes in rings the hanging dingbell with her gold Wimbledon ladies trophy circle dish. and the two are crying cos they thought they'd never see each other again, the man had to return to the real world and the woman who was the elf princess was just a sex fantasy. but fuck real life, against all odds of fantasy and science they found each other again. i cried like the little boy i was, for 7 straight days, it was such a beautiful mystical gauzy ending that filled me with such hope and joy at such an early age, it made me a kid believe in magic. sorry for the language, gang.

Laertus: that's okay, dad, i see where i get it from.

Eye Luggage: thank you for sharing that, sir. i'm gonna use that at our wedding.

Mr. Furley: there is NOTHING like a '70s bar.

Tyzik: produced by the same people who did that snowman movie you watch every Christmas while slurping a Frosty from Wendy's. they do both kinds of animation, straight and clay.

Rubikon: yeah let's talk about the animation, it's in the style of the '80s, it's undeniable, it's like anime but American anime.

Takahashi: it's the John Wayne He-Man type of animation.

JRR Tolkien: rotoscope is for amateurs. everyone knows a dragon only has one weak spot: its underbelly.

Vermithrax: yeah thanks, you screwed dragonkind for all time! the earlier and earlier in time we go...

JRR: there's a couple of MY dragons in this cartoon...

James Earl Jones: THIS is why i did Star Wars. to land THIS!!! don't like how they bastardized the om meditation tho.

Harry Morgan: i'm that man from MASH that everyone glosses over. not the guy with glasses who had to leave Match Game 70 for the birth of his baby in a bunker.

Jack Tripper: for the record i'm not a dick, just a '70s playboy. i'm the friendliest guy who'd ever want to meet, i'll give you bike lessons, i'm The Kid.

Alexandra Stoddart: no i didn't do Teela. Venus Terzo, PLEASE leave Canada, i beg you!!! this princess is like if you place a milk wafer under your tongue.

Nellie Bellfower: ginger trim gets all the foxes. hey someone's gotta use the money Robin Hood steals for shoes. i WAS Ariel tho!!! just cos you're a voice actress don't make you a stripper.

Ed Peck: i donated my penis to science.

Jimmy Carter: i play a hobbit in this...

Laertus: i'm sorry but this heartbreakingly achingly beautiful song at the beginning here can't be Don McLean. this has GOTTA be Cat Stevens, right? or Jackson Browne or some such. this is too soul-searing to be as American as apple pie, this is about ancient European dormant feelings. of dungeons and dreams. i'm crying over and over again each day. i know these lyrics, i've lived these lyrics, in the bottom depths of my heart. i want dragons to be, dragons ARE real, dammit!!! the fantasy world IS the real world, dammit!!!

Eye Luggage: notice how the word flight here for dragons does not refer to spreading dinosaur wings and flying in the air, a GROUP of dragons is called a flight.

George Costanza: and a group of people is called a george.

Dirg: magic or science, you have to pick one, sadboy.

Laertus: Democrats are for magic.

Dirg: no they're the science cucks!

Laertus: Democrats are for imagination. the only thing magical Republicans ever do is when they lose elections.

Dirg: the Reagan Years were magical!

Carolinus: not from Greensboro, North Carolina. i'm from the medieval fantasy, i'm everywhere. 

Carolinus: we're gonna create an Other World Kingdom. it won't be awkward, it'll be away and separate from the world. we'll house it under a giant Trouble board-game bubble. 

Solarius: i'm constantly shown shirtless in my hot tub.

Lo Tae Zhao: want some tea? ironically i invented the rules for warfare but i'm for peace here. maybe i shoulda been the red wizard.

Ommadon: i got into black magic to meet crones. i thought the crones would be cute. man is so gullible, they actually thought they could use the atom bomb to power their electric cars. man was never meant for peace, they were designed for war, God told me Himself.

Fuerza: i stood him up on our first date, i was in super high heels at a Canadian nightclub and he tried to impress me by moving a cruise-ship through waves. 

Ommadon: what are you gonna say next, it's time for Garbage Pail Kids?

Carolinus: we can't fight amongst yourselves.........cos i'd kick yo ass, Ommadon!!!

Gorbash: don't hold my squeaky voice against me, i got bashed on the head repeatedly as a child. i like Tostitos.

Lo Tae Zhao: no i didn't steal the flute from Link and my tactics from Ganon!

Antiquity: wait the humans don't use our calendar? fuck humans, they're WAY too complicated! living is supposed to be easy: no jobs, living off the land, never a bill to pay. 
Carolinus: by the Beards of Antiquity!
Antiquity: more of a peachfuzz, i'm still a young 1000 years old peach tree.

Jack Tripper: excuse me, pawnbroker, do you know where Cheers is?
pawnbroker: Cheers? never heard of it. now Beane's of Boston i KNOW!
Jack Tripper: see the bone in my mouth as i hold this dog? the Regal Beagle please.
pawnbroker: no idea. kindly point me to the direction of get the fuck outta my store and let me have a mental-health day. i only barter babies and pickles.
Jack Tripper: how much for this board game i invented?
pawnbroker: you left university to make that? do your parents know about this? wait i got a hunch.........make this game piece a plumber instead...

Carolinus: like these large-ass die? they're like a blanket or a mop.
Jack Tripper: i'm gonna die? oh you mean the game pieces. when do i meet Kevin Garnett?

Carolinus: you want to fuck my daughter?
Jack Tripper: yes that's why i idealized her in the game.
Carolinus: i got bullied by some dwarfs. wear what the dwarfs wore, let me get a good look atcha...
Carolinus: Melisande is more like my ward, think of her as Swee'Pea but after she's grown, there are no pedos in Medieval times.
Jack Tripper: i just want to whisper in her ear...

Carolinus: who knew you could cure an ulcer with milk?
Max Kellerman: my milk card is so hole-punched it looks like a puzzle piece.
Melisande: that's great, father, but that's not an ulcer, that's cancer. as in cringe.

Dirg: talk about a self-gloss. the author inserts himself into his own story! isn't that like Rule #1 Of Writing never to break? it's Inception when the very book this is based on appears in the story! you ain't Neverending Story
Jack Tripper: so suddenly i'm inside a dragon. it's not as Seventies as you'd think. that dragon costume was heavy!

Smrgol: the author of this made it clear he wanted to find a SCIENTIFIC explanation for dragons, don't get it, the story works just fine as a fantasy. that's what stories are, you don't have to explain them, just have fun with them, escape with them. anyways, back to eating rocks...
Jack Tripper: i can breathe fire cos there's Thor's Thimble under my tongue, religious wafers hadn't been invented yet. Thor hid his knitting from the other warriors.

Sir Orrin Neville-Smythe: i am played by Jack's boss from the bistro. there are no pedos in Medieval times but i really want to fuck Melisande. oh well. knight's code of chivalry and all that, you were the better man, i wanted the big bifecta: a yellow and a red. if i had killed Ommadon's dragon with the rock there would be no story.

Orrin: sand murks live in women's vaginas.........away from their chastity belts.
Danielle: want me to belt you? i'm the best shot in the land, i can slide my arrow here into your peehole.

Eye Luggage: OMG! did you hear Melisande when she was under the trance as she was trying to divine-see where the landing party was on Earth? she blurts out to Carolinus,

i know you had my parents killed by the night demons! you wanted me all to yourself!

now THAT is the storyline i want explored in the prequel!!!

Orrin: i thought you died, wolf.
Aragh: argh, i get that a lot. just used some mouthwash. gets sandy vaginas out of your life. 
Orrin: the Princess? am i on desert ayahuasca again?

Danielle: damn elf! stop killing us! i won't let you be my chastity belt anymore! spoilers i'm whispering only in your ear: i'm really a toaster.

Dirg: love the stay at the tavern. i've had mead, it's just honey beer, i make it in my dorm, just pour beer over your Honey Nut Cheerios, that's my kinda craft beer. did you see that subtle scene? Good Knight Orrin and Danielle want to "retire" up to their rooms.........we know what that means, they were SJW-signaling there that they were fucking on that hay that night when the attack so rudely interrupted their grinding. and the dragon-claw hand came in entered their boudoir took Danielle naked and Orrin naked save his helmet over his dick.

Smrgol: why couldn't Bryagh have fought the ogre, HE was the Gilligan's Island fan!!!

Jack Tripper: i defeated the worm cos i read Dune the book not the movie and i celebrated Cinco de Mayo in Tijuana. i know about sulfuric acid cos i cosplayed as the Joker before Harley was a thing.

Dirg: impenetrability, whoever came up with that power playoff system should be fired, that's what created incels.


Jack: i just want one night in the Sleeping Beauty bed. i just want to see how soft the Serta Simmons mattress and veils are.

Carolinus: you're going off to college? i'll miss you, daughter, i'm not crying you're crying. here, take this crown as your chastity belt.

Laertus: this is the greatest educational film ever made. it sounds like it was written by a professor, many big-ass words. i'm drunk off mead right now. i'll have warm nostalgic memories of it forever. and now, it's off to my argosy not Jeff Bezos's yacht. g'night, folks.

at the Pacific Grove Forest McDonalds Jillian Clare and Anton Yelchin are getting married. she wears a flowing lithe see-through Lord of the Rings-elf white dress and he wears a beaver-costume tux.

Jillian Clare: elf white not white elf.

the couple hold hands as they hold the bouquet and look up cheekily with a twinkle in their eye.

Anton: a board of the roof is deliberately taken off so God can see what's going on, sanction this ceremony.

Jillian: dude i think you mean Forest God. my big butt bounds in this dress! 

Anton: my Saint Petersburg Portland Orthodox Church.

Pat: hey Gina you like my trick?

Gina: no it was dumb. you ollied and got yourself stuck way high in a McDonalds tree. 

Rosie O'Donnell: fries branches?

Max Kellerman: show-off.

Gina: i just realized i've been riding goofy my whole life...

Pat: that's why i love you uh like you but not in that way. wanna see a movie?

as the congregation looks on and looks up, sunshine does not crack through the open-air plank-shaped hole in the roof. instead, Ryan Sheckler uses that plank as his skateboard jumps up high in the sky and squeezes through into the inside of the McDonalds in the greatest board trick of all time. 


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