Max Kellerman: yo Pat, that date was backackwards. but you got it together at the end.
Pat: yeah we very much enjoyed each others' ends.
Rosie O'Donnell: details.
Pat: well it was one easy hop skip jump to the next theatre, we were already in our
Popeye cosplay so it wasn't hard to slip to the next Robert Evans cartoon property,
Annie. Gina was already in her red dress so she switched to Annie. i was the dog.........then we realized that wouldn't work, not even in 1980 so i switched to Daddy Warbucks. Daddy, it makes it so easy.
Gina: we gotta get our heads around The Great Depression mentality and mindframe this week, especially as young people. how far can you stretch a dollar, Pat? if i'm gonna marry you one day i need to know you're a whiz with money and not just you whizz your pants. Robinhood this bitch. i can say that cos i'm a red and Robin Hood was a dark Disney movie about foxes in a forest using black magic not rave drugs.
Takahashi: Food Wars was based on Culver Academies, you may want to go there someday. everyone on campus wears an apron naked.
Jacques Pepin: okay so DO break the spaghetti in half if it's thick spaghetti, or it'll overflow your pot. HOWEVER you will notice that when you don't break the spaghetti up your pot has no mess in it.
Doryce: i'll be honest with you, i don't taste the difference between broken and unbroken spaghettis.
Pat: i dunno, stretch my naked skinny body out, like a rack, Gina, i give ALL my dollar to you to spend! i go naked from now on, makes lovemaking easier.
Gina: that's the right answer! except for the pizza part. i'd roll the dollar into a Brooklyn slice.
Governor Cuomo holding an Excelsior pass: we New York!!! we smart!!! we ALL get vaccinated!!! ever upward!!! ever higher!!! get high!!!
Venom at the bodega next to the school talking to himself: no you can't eat Mrs. Chen.
Mrs. Chen behind the counter: where'd you get that dollar milkcard? is that some code for dating you young people use? i'm flattered and would love to. you handsome in the bodega light at night.
Venom: oh...um...let's see......i guess i can date you as a cover, a distraction that keeps you from getting eaten.
Mrs. Chen: eat my pussy on the third date, not the fourth date.
Martha Stewart: my threesome partners were Snoop Dogg and Katie Hill.
Paula Deen: PLEASE let me join your thruple! i BEG the Lord Jesus to! i yam what i yam.
Annamarie Tendler: what the FUCK did i do to deserve this?! i don't need to lampshade anything here, love hurts. fuck Bennifer 2.0. i was tender. pass the lobster tenders.
Olivia Munn: i promise i won't send him a series of thirsty tweets.
John Mulaney: we met at a megachurch, those churches aren't real churches.
Dirg: the adult swim facebook has zero comments now...
Lars von Trier: Shadow Lawn? that was my home-away-from-home during the Melancholia shoot.
Jade Fever: we want the Victorious reboot! not on Nickelodeon. on HBO. not HBO Max, HBO.
Fonda Lee: the best parts of Jane Fonda, Amy Tan, Canadian sci-fi anime, and both pools.
Thimble Islands: we did the Olive Oyl costume first.
Knocked Loose: when you don't want to be knocked up by a dentist.
Woody Allen: the only work i can get now is on Teen Titans Go. i invented a brand-new DC villain out of whole cloth, the PP Goblin. PP as in waterworks in bed, not pet peeves.
Martin Bashir in bed at the nurse's office that's been there since the 1920s: you're only finding out about this 30 YEARS LATER?!!!!! mate i'm seriously unwell with covid.........whatever you do do NOT give me propofol while i'm sleeping!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Weiss auditioning for live-action NBA owner Bart Simpson: eventually all the Instagrams have to come to an end, right?.........
Dirg: all i want is my White Claw camping party like everyone else.
Eye Luggage: 5 friends or 6 friends?
Laertus: Summer Squad! let's compromise, tho, it has to be at Joshua Tree.
Mikey Day throws his clipboard down on stage in disgust.
Mikey Day: GODDAMMIT!!!!!!
Sally Mann: i had to be harsh like a man with my subjects if i wanted to bring out their feminine side. Billy Corgan stole from me.
Cecily Strong: that last SNL episode before summer is always so damn melancholic...
Dirg: yeah cos you're not actually gonna go to any summer concerts cos you have no friends. gotta wait for Smashing Pumpkins and NIN on stage at the same time till September School which makes no sense.
Michael Che: i wrote a sketch having The Avengers killing an unarmed black teen, but Lorne said no.
Eddie Murphy: that's bullshit. back in my era of the show in the '80s we did stuff like that all the time, it was no big deal. the only thing i'd be scared of doing now in your generation is if i'd have to go inside the 4th Dimension...
Roger Federer: never thought i'd be on Family Guy.
Roger Federer wearing a cowboy hat: the only thing i know about Dallas is Debbie.
Max Kellerman is nervous as he waits on line at the Bob Fosse Studio in Manhattan for his Beastie Boys audition...
Sout: salty Max got picked over me. i'm not British, i have the fancy Mid-Atlantic accent.
Cardinale caveman: i tried to do the Popeye laugh but couldn't.
Laertus: you can't stay mad at someone when it's their birthday.
Doryce: bought 12 pairs of boxer shorts but i only wear the 6 dark ones.
Dirg: i tried to do a DTIYS but i didn't know what my style is, i don't know who i am...
Louis Wain: i'm the only person with schizophrenia who ever lived a long life. i created cat familiars. Aimee Lou Wood gives me wood.
at a destination wedding in Manhattan Beach:
Wolfgang Puck: i don't have much to say anymore on anything ever since you got that electric can-opener to work.
Sherry Yard: i'm still taller than a turtle.
Aang: not my turtle. my turtle is too big for this ocean.
Edward M Ines: that's ines not inches. i need good teeth to bite down on my wife's cooking.
Chris Matthews: why is all the shit going down in Pennsylvania?!!!
Eye Luggage: leave Henry Cavill's girl alone. i mean why be on social media if you're her? you already won, you bagged Superman. the world is jealous and hates you, you don't need to type one word.
Mardith: only when Starbucks gets the green check by its indoor dining will this thing truly be over.
Seth Green: i'm an old man now. like i'm an OLD man now. i look haggard and unwell like John Goodman does now. I CAN'T KEEP PLAYING WITH TOYS!!!
Dr Fauci: i'm too tired to banter with you, Rachel Maddow, i am SO tired. no i can't do your garage podcast, sorry.
Madame Pons: i found my Sendak roll where the wild things are. there's even a slot for my breath-mint tin.
Rosie O'Donnell: why is it that our only arcade is a small room with one air-hockey table and one cabinet of Anticipation behind the back of an abandoned corporate warehouse building the front a facade of four rows of broken glass windows.
Erlanger: the real home of Early Cuyler.
hypertrophy: the trophy you get when you complete Mario Kart.
Milo Ventimiglia: so nobody looked at the Robot Chicken shirt i was rocking! it was metal! these are regular-sized shorts for the '80s.
Rudy from Bob's Burgers throws his inhaler at his own face.
Milo: i'm trying out for Space Jam......the Michael Jordan Space Jam.
Dirg: aren't you playing that dude from the Crystal Light Aerobics Church in Orlando who was trying to hide his Peyronie's disease in his shorts?
Milo: i'm playing my father, that was my father who was the The Sports Connection instructor in the '80s.
QAnon lawyer: my defense is simply in honor of Mental Health Month.
Dirg: hey Mountain Mike's! you want to be beloved like The Pizza Factory? well first thing you could do is allow skateboarding!!!
Jacques Pepin: i wear my blue Gloria apron all the time forever. with the mushroom on it cos the only way to deal with the pain of losing my lifelong partner is to enter an alternative psychedelic world.
ikat: still not that Giant Kit Kat.
Jillian Clare: there's Cool Japan, but i come form the original, Cool Portland.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Robin Williams: i, Robin Williams, am the most educated human being who ever lived when it came to feeling/sensory perception. i improv'd straight from God. and yet i was born to play the uneducated Popeye.
Popeye: i'm so smart i solved cases faster than Sherlock Holmes in the comics.
Robin: i would have laughed the stuttery Popeye way if i had had something to laugh about on that set.
Eye Luggage: Annie the 1982 film and go.
Tyzik: i have a crush on Annie, is that okay?
Laertus's dad: this was simply my VERY FIRST childhood memory, my first memory of being alive, a sentient being on this planet, my VERY FIRST IMAGE was that concept in my burgeoning baby brain, i see
the soundtrack to the film Annie from 1982! which of course is a longplay record. i remember the comic art on the sleeve. and Aileen Quinn's rosy cheeks on the cover. of course at the time i don't know what a soundtrack, film, Annie, 1982, longplay, record, comic, sleeve, rose, cheek, an aileen, and a quinn is...
Aileen Quinn: don't flatter yourself, i did all the work. i was able to avoid becoming a crazy killer, was able to avoid the pipeline of child-star to destruction as Alyson Stoner pods about. how? i quit show biz right after this. not my mom's decision. back then i got made fun of from the other kids for having red hair, but now it's cool to be demonic, unfortunately i shaved my head and joined a motorcycle gang. no i'm not gay, just decided not to have children cos i didn't want them to be a child star like me.
Laertus's dad: i remember it crystal like it was yesterday:
i was 5 years old, kindergarten at St. Cyril's Catholic school in Encino, didn't know it at the time but this was a haven for Hollywood mavens! all the famous people crossed this air, and on one fateful day school was cut to get out early at noon for let's-do-lunch cos a very special casting agent was coming to our damn school to cast for the film Annie! can you believe it?! i was so young i didn't know what was going on! i just stood in line with the rest of the would-be actors! one callup and one little girl's life would change FOREVER. i was too stupid back then to know i wouldn't get the part cos i didn't have red hair. two in my class did, however, Colleen and Elizabeth Cooper. Collen had the freckles, Elizabeth had the Annie hollow-eyes. THOSE TWO were nervous when they got on stage and started to rigid-sing, their flopsweat dousing the hot spotlight. when i got up there to audition, honestly i have no idea what happened, it's all a blur now. i tried to keep the two girls calm with my famous Deuteronomy jokes.
Dirg: of all the orphan girls only one went on later to do porn. that's a pretty good average.
Eye Luggage: MARTIKA was in this! "Toy Soldiers" Martika!
Lu Leonard: not the purple bitch from Are You Being Served...
Madame Pons: and Shawnee Smith, but nobody cares about her.
Albert Finney: people hated my performance cos no Englishman is supposed to shout and yell and carry on, we're supposed to carry on not carry on. Sean Connery yelled at one of the maids in rehearsal, that was never mentioned in the papers. Cary Grant made love to that same maid in rehearsal in front of the crew, rehearsal was where it was at.
Carol Burnett: this was the first time you saw me act not just be funny, right? this is always traumatic cos you've never seen me be horrible and mean before, i'm always having a good time and making others feel good. but most importantly, this is the first time you've seen me be SEXY and HOT and wearing a slinky negligee WANTING TO FUCK! i'll fuck any bald thing that moves. sorry, kids, i'm a woman, i'm a woman like your mom.
Tim Curry: isn't it weird seeing me play a bad-guy heel on the heels of playing the ultimate good-guy in heels?
Bernadette Peters: people underestimate just how fucking sexy i am. i was the the inspiration for the play Frozen on Broadway. i mean i have the face of an ivory doll, i can sing the brakes off any man car, my body is a thousand pounds of dynamite, and i even showed my butt on Saturday Night Live.
Ann Reinking: you sexy? I am FUCKING HOT here!!! i got a dancer's body underneath if you know what i mean. i am the reigning queen! i don't care who you are i won't call you daddy. let me tell you something, Arizona is no paradise! at least Kurt Cobain breathed on me the last time i closed my eyes, i returned home. Bob Fosse was my bitch! i taught him everything he knew, he'd be nothing without me, i taught him all of his moves by teaching him MY moves in bed.
Eye: we gotta talk about the elephant in the room, the song "Tomorrow". not the Silverchair song. the producer and director deliberately made the singing of it shorter than in the original play and didn't want FDR and wife and Warbucks singing it in a small room like a barbershop quartet cos he thought it was
CHEESY
Martin Freeman: not Morgan Freeman. yeah see that's the thing, cheesy, you stupid Americans with your wrought laborious dour hackneyed Method method, it's all rubbish, we English just get on with it when we act.
Eye: that's why British actors are the best, you truly don't care, you can't copy that kind of cool, it just comes out innately instinctively from you Brits.
Dirg: at first i thought the orphanage had girls AND boys. i thought those were not tomboys in there, got confused when they all started giggling and braiding their hair and talking about boys.
Laertus: it WAS a hard-knock life for them, can you imagine being a kid in the Great Depression? talk about hopeless. you got a mop in your hand instead of a teddy bear. you already completely rely on other olders to care for you so you don't starve on the streets, being a kid is rough, but during these times a kid was lucky if they made it past 3rd Grade. not even a Three Stooges hospital visit could erase their fate. no help. this is sadder than a Miyazaki heroine.
Carol Burnett: i'm not a mean hag witch crone, i just took my anger out on the kids, i really just needed to get laid in a tub full of tapioca pudding. i shoulda used all the alcohol i drank to scrub that tub. i killed Annie's parents cos they smoked. i'm a survivor.
Gladyce: i had the money to help those blessed little darling children, but i stowed it all away for a very special super-steamboat sail...
Doryce: pay for those kids, then you'll see what it's like to have kids, your freedom and free time are GONE.
Mardith: these numbers are making me teary. hope is all these kids have, hope and shooting stars.
Dirg: yeah but why is Ms. Hannigan so obsessed with Annie? and why did they make the Hannigan bitch a good guy in the end? in the comics she's as dirty as dishwater. the source material is ALWAYS darker than the movie. didn't these people learn anything from The Promised Neverland when it came to kids?
Laertus: this was one of the last PG-13 movies that had to be PG cos PG-13 wasn't a thing yet.
Annie: you see that? i could have beat those boys' asses in! i put up my dukes cos...spoilers...Oxblood Oxheart is my father...Popeye's mother is my mother...
Laertus's dad: SANDY! it all makes sense now! we had a black lab named Sandy, that's where the name came from!
cat familiars: that dog has horror stories from the Cocaine Era of Hollywood he only tells us...
Laertus: man, cop forces Annie to prove to his satisfaction she is who she says she is...
Laertus: oh the opulent mansion! this was a direct response to the new Reagan administration, they even make mention of Democrat said sarcastically by Warbucks. and this is the 1980s! Reagan can have his opulence, Democrats are in charge of dreams.
Geoffrey Holder: okay so my character is not cool. just cos i'm from India i have to wear a silver sparkly spacesuit, jeweled turban, and make objects fly with my magic? why didn't Freddie Mercury play this role? he's from India.
Kurt Cobain: Freddie Mercury's death is what inspired me on to play music.
Roger Minami: my last name is not an anime heroine. NOT COOL, DUDE. i really had to play this role as a proud Asian just being the kung-fu Jaguar guy with the gloves and paperboy cap? sadly, Bruce Lee would have played this role if he had lived 10 more years.
Annie: who are you?
Daddy Warbucks: Lex Luthor before Lex Luthor.
Annie: see my locket?
Daddy: worthless and weak. it's split in two so that means the metal was compromised in the corrugation process. I WANT A BOY!
Annie: then fuck your secretary.
Eye: some say Grace Farrell is the main character, not Annie.
Dirg: a woman who can cry on cue? i'm in.
Annie: presenting PEPSODENT! the toothpaste so tasty it will CURE The Depression! radio will be around for 1000 years! look at my lavalier, my locket not the microphone.
Grace: can't we keep her?
Warbucks: she's not a doll, doll. that gets me hot when you beg.
FDR: what the fuck did you fly in on?
Warbucks: want me to break both your legs? it's my helicopter. EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT THE HELICOPTER.
FDR: i don't care my wife Eleanor will just be Oracle in the future. that helicopter is an unnecessary exorbitance!
Warbucks: i know but it's cool. there's only one in existence, it's useless. I LOVE WAR! that's how i made my first million, war bucks. and my tenth million. your socialist-agenda programs will bring this country to its knees like Grace!
FDR: i am TAME compared to what America will have to face in the future...
Laertus: the "Easy Street" number was meant to be the big Bjork all-out showstopper number of the movie with the cast of thousands and tickertape confetti but they instead made it the three of them singing and dancing in a cramped space of an apartment and one stairs like the stage production.
Dirg: this is the first thruple. they were all related but it was the l930s.
Eye: it does warm my heart the interlude here of them going to the movies. that hit my heart, i appreciated that, i was not expecting that. what a love-letter tribute to the simple joy of going to the movies! this is what WE do every week and it is STILL joyous! i want to see all these films now in only film spun on two wheels.
Laertus: ah, Radio City. before NBC ruined the world.
Eye: i'm crying at Warbucks's number, when he calls Annie his baby...*choking up*...*tears*
Warbucks: and suddenly this becomes America's Most Wanted. i am not Orson Welles. i don't want Annie becoming a spokesperson for poor kids, i don't want her becoming Paris Hilton. this is the last time the paddywagon will be seen as humorous or heroic...
Rubikon: damn this gets dark as fuck! those two robbers want to kill a kid?!
Annie: EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT THE BRIDGE!!!
Rubikon: hey it's the Indian who saves the day, the Indian is the hero of this! an Indian on a jetpack! i want that jetpack!
Annie: shoulda had an American Express Traveler's Cheque, they are indestructible.
Eye: this is such a feel-good ending! i love the warmth. the fireworks are perfect, they really bring HOPE to these bleak Depression times, things are gonna get better, you just have to wait TEN YEARS. like covid. g'night, folks.
Annie: can you imagine me as a teenager?
Grace: strong winds. you'll bag all the boys in the yard if you know how to dance. like Singing In The Rain dance.
Duesenberg: some housekeeping before we drive away. uncomfortable Nazi Eagle, the Arthur car, that fifth-tire that's a diamond-encrusted fifth-wheel hood-ornament just for show not a real tire, in the '80s we became a hair-metal electro-guitar.
thruxton: Thurston Howell III's bike.
Laertus: alternative theories is not alternative medicine, being wrong is not New Age, don't blame cos there's not a AIDS vaccine the way there's a covid vaccine. g'night, folks.
Eye: when it comes to fencers, there is only truth, there is no ethnicity, back then there were no reposts, only ripostes. g'night, folks.
Laertus's dad: one of my classmates was named Duesenberg...
Eddie Murphy: i did a skit where i dressed up in Annie red drag as James Brown, somehow it made this film worse. Elvis stole the cape thing from me.
Gina: it's really us living out our lives by these songs, bet your bottom dollar, what will you spend your last dollar on? me?
Pat: i just want to live in a world where a dollar will always be a dollar. not some currency-manipulation coin thing in the future compiled by computers on Mars where you don't know what the value of a thing is anymore. stones be stones forever. and let the paper follow and flow. my only value is you.
Gina: the sun will come out, you just have to wait a long time. if you need help call the warmline.
Pat: yes. and one day Amy Tan will explain everything to us.
Gina: it's only a day away. well more like ten years.
Michael Jackson: the Annie in "Smooth Criminal" is this Annie. g'night, folks.
