Boc: as a trans person, i just want to say have a nice day.
Mardith: whenever i get in a rut i close my eyes and intone silently to myself the one-word prayer:
FLOW
Dirg: i won't be watching the new cartoon, can't keep up anymore, sadly i've lost my taste for Star Wars...
Gladyce: got the new calendar, dear?
Doryce: oh yes. the firemen did not disappoint this year! i flip to the tillermen in the back first cos i get to see their ends...
Gina De Vecchio: a body was found on Highway 1 this morning.........stop saying in the comments you want my body!
Kenyatta: Spellcheck when you're trying to type words is only self-sabotage. they never give you the word you want to write...
Atalan: that body on the highway was covered in subway straps, he was not the driver of the subway. it's a media coverup, they don't want you knowing just how kinky this story is...
Encyclopedia Brown knocks down the locked door of the dorm with his leather-stovepipe-helmetless noggin and handcuffs Pat to his fern.
Encyclopedia: under arrest for starting the fire. fingerprint then let Billy Joel go. haven't heard back from a few folks, what were you thinking?
Pat: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR!!! i was backstage as a tech and there was some faulty wiring...
Doryce: hey can you recycle cigarette butts?..
Encyclopedia: come on! you were in the band Mice with Matches in college! i'm taking you down to the station downtown, to the drink tank uh dunk tank.
Pat: but i do drugs. where's my phone call?
Encyclopedia: need your iphone for evidence...
Madame Pons: i'm putting my hair in thick corncob braids now cos i saw i was getting thinning hair, when i'm stressed my hair is stressed...
a phoenix perches on LUSH...
Dirg: LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! it's a plane! it's a bird!
Lana Condor: eat me.
Mardith hands Lana a cassette tape of Abba's "Eagle"...
Belvoir: the Mr. Belvedere sequel script's inside the castle...
Judge Judy: when i told the defendant "you have more degrees than me?", i had no idea that would cause him to hate elitism and he later became a Capitol rioter...
So J Lee: i'm the BTS of authors...working on the development of the first North Korean boy band...
Dirg: why does everyone spill their guts in the youtube comment sections of '70s prog-rock songs?...
South Park: why does everything happen in Colorado?!!!
Mardith: i love your crocs you make in Colorado, my jibbitz are all BTS.
Ethan Hawke: shit! somehow i ended up at Cafe Tortoni!
Cecily Strong: you're not gonna believe this but Alan Hamel, you know the dude getting all that sex from Suzanne Somers, is Bob Barker also...
Luke Skywalker raises his hand...
Pete Davidson: the '90s mean dudebro frat-years of SNL was what inspired Sam Hyde...
Dirg: Biden got lucky this was declared a public-health emergency, otherwise you'd have to pay for the covid vaccine...
Bridgit Mendler: my last name and general forbearance of face and look to me indicates and obviates that of COURSE i'd quit Hollywood for a PhD, unlike Pat. i'm fighting with my mind axe for my aunt Christine Blasey Ford to finally get justice...
Dirg: hey are you the chick from Legend of the Seeker?...
Codrus: we missed the Great Sin Jubilee in 2000, otherwise we would be priests now not monks...
Cotard: we were too busy watching X-Men at the time...i still use those Sin coins for money...
Mark Hapka: *looking at a digital clock* is that a 9 or a thumbs-down?
Gorsuch: i grouse, it's in the name...
Dirg: when it comes to Instagram since i have no friends i gank mine from slipping into a celebrity friend circle. i mean that was friendship, they were willing to do Fellowship of the Ring with him. i doubt you two loveclowns would do the same for me...
Rubikon: i don't mind nearly-naked female characters in video games, but where the naptural girls at?!...
Lana Kane: in Gotham Batman is an itch which needs to be scratched...
Mardith: it sucks but i gotta give half of my Instagram over to selling polka-dot and Our Lady of Guadalupe athleisure...
Madame Pons: what are you doing for Noor Riyadh?
Mardith: i'm still not done with my Holi from last year!
Mardith: anybody else watch the entire film each Bob's Burgers episode title uses?...
Linda Belcher: BACKDRAFT!
Madame Pons: Twyla Tharp, now THAT is someone to look up to, women AND men.
Eye Luggage: hey get out into the out there...or in your room...and DANCE!!! park or parlor...
Lakoff: i was one of the few who owned a lake at Berkeley...
Richard Grieco: if i had gotten Speed, Stephanie Niznik would still be alive today...
Jane Fonda: i'll only have sex with you.
Tom Cruise: thank you.
Jane Fonda: get into this kept-boy lederhosen...
Seth Rogen: i don't blame Emma Watson, they wanted her to do a sex scene with me and I said no, ME!
Emma Watson: gimp, is that a frat-boy thing?
Seth Rogen: we thought it was a British thing...
for Takahashi's birthday Laertus makes him a Super Mario Bros Level 1 scroll photoshopping Taka's face for Mario, the coins are cat coins, and the tiny red explosions are red lanterns...
The Struts: "Could Have Been Me", see? there IS modern music that sounds like '70s London punk...
Michael Weiss wearing a dunce cap over his mortarboard: i'm doing this to make a point, i'm a teacher on Instagram...
Jewel: i'm so good as a musician they named the case all the CDs come in after me...
Dirg: every guy in L.A. with a forest-green tanktop, handlebar mustache, and huge deltoid muscles and puffy jeans has written a little forest-green book of 100 poems...
Roger Federer: my balls are not wrinkly flesh, they are pure fuzzy Gamma...
Dirg: yes i read Yours Retro magazine, but i also read Your Sinclair magazine...for the pictures...
John Mayer: Chrissy Teigen? oh sorry, i thought she said she had sex with me at the DNC...
Dirg: my greatest dream is to have sex in a Burger King bathroom...
Codrus: the world hasn't learned a damn thing from this pandemic, hehe, it had to be longer, 10 years, to have an effect...
Nasim Pedrad: Chad is on the exact same time as Saturday Night Live!...
Dirg: i swear i saw a pop-up ad for David Dobrik Perfume just now...
Dirg: is it weird when a white girl goes on black twitter for dating horror stories?...
Cotard: okay why is the emoji for spring an angry sun?
Codrus: *slams forehead* bro that's a bird inside a sun!
Jeff Daniels: Dripping Cunt, Texas?...
Dirg: i knew it! the Baby Boomers are the real Illuminati!
Birdgirl: it's not MOO-KAT! it's MO-CAP!
cat familiars: we were lied to!!!
Dr Deborah Birx: i had the opportunity to be the hero for all time and i blew it...
Kevin Durant: i'll never be able to accomplish anything big on this Earth by myself...
Kyrie Irving: i've had it worse. i've had to walk alone on this flat Earth...
Michael Rapaport: why you do me like that, KD? and after i graciously got you and your wife tickets to Beautiful Girls...
Kiira Benzing: NFTs got me my Benz, dog! that extra i is cos i admire Nana Visitor...
Hidebound (2005): sorry Jack Stauber, we did the whole supermarket thing first...
Capitol rioter: i'm hidebound, both physically and psychologically...
crones: GIRL TRIP TO MADONNA INN!!!...
Snoop Dogg: throw a dog a bone...
Detroit steakhouse: nah man, can't bend the rules or run the jewels just for you.
Snoop Dogg: where Eminem at?...
muMs da Schemer: bury me in M&Ms. i did it my way. i was a rare one to be born in NYC and end up in the South...
Dirg: i admire that...
Dirg: FYI, never make online-friends with anyone with the handle
lonely_weeb_42
Dirg: i was all set to see her response on my Instagram. i had sent her the perfect recommendation: The Squid and the Whale. and then the next day...her dog dies...
JG Quintel: Close Enough is Regular Show meets Mission Hill...
Dirg: as long as it's not Thirtysomething...
Mardith: Niagara from Destroy All Monsters, nobody knows her real name?
Niagara: i was the first woman to survive the falls in a barrel. i got flipped on my head hence the anti-rock...
Doryce: this lime juice for my fish is lame juice! where's my margarita!
Laertus: *sigh* that Walgreens beta-soccer-dad commercial would be sweet if the whole alpha/beta thing didn't exist...
SG Prince: don't you dare call me a prince!
Leila Jeffreys: only Fuerza can call me bird!
Emma Stone: SNL bringing ALL the people together. wait...i thought i married Patrick Dempsey...
Rachel Bilson: but why, Rami?
Rami Malek: that's not really me in the photo. remember? i only am the real person in the last episode...
Boosie: i tried to slap the shit out of Jack Dorsey but it didn't take cos of the beard...
Francine: i stole Arthur's underwear, it was disgusting.
Buster: COS IT HAD MY FACE ON IT?!!! why are they pulling lesbian ads when they're for CREAM! Arthur and i are an item...
Muffy: no cos it stunk!
Tom DeLonge: i got dismissed but it wasn't my fault, my dad is the lead singer of Ram Jam...
Dirg: typical southern rock from NYC...
Tom DeLonge: i liked anime before it was cool! before Toonami!
Matt Groening: Bob Seger's my favorite man...for obvious reasons...
Bob Seger: give papa some sugar...
Harry Reasoner: *scratching his hairy knuckle* STOP THAT!
Dirg: if they're forcing you to wait, the least they can do is play "Patience" by Guns N Roses in the background...
Kurt Cobain: Nirvana never got the chance to break up and get back together. looking back, i'd still be here if the band had just broken up for 3 years, i needed a break...
Becca from The Real World: we coulda been After Dark!!!
Rubikon: if you have time to shitpost, you have time to have a real life...
Tyzik: my ipad mini is carved and whittled in such a way that it gives Simpsons nudes instead of Simpsons episode screencaps...
Laertus sack-taps Dirg in the shoulder:
Laertus: there comes a time in every man's life when he must stop WATCHING cartoons and start MAKING cartoons...
cheeky pint: it's just a pint...
Laertus: i just realized why there are so many open-windowed trucks blasting that obnoxious loud country music at 4PM by our little area in Obec...
Eye Luggage: we live by a damn highway!...
Pat: oh it's not a sidestreet? then thank you so much for uprooting your whole squad and coming to live with me in jail, supporting me during this most difficult time...
Mardith: i think i'm gonna be a chef at The Store...
Madame Pons: careful, dear, it's dangerous...
Kenyatta: just give me the headlines, the curt biting juicy headlines...
Roger Federer: i did not sniff the Swiss women's army underwear...
The Pope: i am pro-choice...
Carmen Sandiego: i was at Playa del Carmen the whole time.........under the elephant gate......in my upside-down bikini...
Bill Cosby: is it just me or was the Carmen Sandiego game-show theme song just the Cosby Show theme song?...
Barba from SVU: that teacher's not related to me...
Dirg: when a chick on Instagram has no kids but her feed is plastered with family stuff, that's when you know...
Marilyn Monroe: beauty has no size......i mean just look at my tits...
Madame Pons to Mardith: are we zoomies?...
Rubikon at The Store: there's no more Salad Toppins again! is this cos of the Suez Canal?...
Mardith: on my virtual date we strolled aimlessly and timelessly along the malecon...
Megatron: i'm a good lay if you slip the bird into my slot the right way...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again? oh yes, i remember. Backdraft and go...
Laertus: once again i know the Universal Studios special-effects attraction this is based on, not the movie. my dad talked about it all the time. he had a hot date there once...
Dirg: perfect timing, this week's Attack on Titan features a backdraft terrorist explosion...
Dirg: it's a conspiracy tho, have you ever seen Ron Howard and Ken Burns in the same room together?...
Eddie Murphy strolls softly with Jennifer Jason Leigh at night along the Chi-Town Skyline:
Eddie: the moon's out tonight...that moon's as big as my head!......what a moon out tonight by golly.........sorry about my Vic Morrow comment, i wasn't mad at you, you a hot white woman...
Dirg: speaking of, the woman in the youtube comments who took the time to watch the deleted scenes of Backdraft, now THAT is the woman i should next meet...
Laertus: Dirg, nomex does not mean no Mexicans...
Laertus: gotta give it up to Kurt Russell, he really shows in this he can act. multi-layered. this is one of those beguiling movies that gets better the more you think about it, how it all gels together, it doesn't hit you like a backdraft the moment you see it tho...
Eye Luggage: needs time to cement together like fireman's foam...
Dirg: this was Hollywood fire. fire isn't alive! it's not a living breathing monster...
Eye Luggage: oh yes it is! where do you think my crystals get powered from?
Rubikon: it is in the inner-city! fire's an uncontrolled monster!
Dirg: YEAH! NOT NYC!
Takahashi: this film is where all the Dick Wolf shows come from...
Laertus: confusing as fuck: Kurt Russell plays Bull AND the father! it's just a weird choice. when i first saw this when Kurt appears out of the fire i thought he was a ghost or vision or something of the dead father.
Patrick Swayze: right?...
Eye: yeah but perfect genetic match. the budget doesn't have to stretch to pay for another actor.
Billy Baldwin: i'm the only Baldwin brother who isn't crazy. neither is my wife. who knew a pop singer would be more stable than a yoga instructor?...
Stabler gives the De Niro look...
De Niro: i was out-of-place in this film. you can tell i didn't want to be there. i kept to myself upstairs alone in my room while everyone else had dinner in the firehouse, this started the tradition of Firehouse Subs...
Donald Sutherland: it wasn't me. see i got the teeth Kiefer didn't. i can play the sexy lothario or the psychopath lothario in a flash, with the switch of the twinkle of my eye, i make fire fun. without me you wouldn't have Heath Joker or like Phoenix Joker, see them fly in your mind, the arsonist wasn't a Mexican. i wanted the world to burn first. i'm still not as creepy as Bruce Dern tho, that guy's faucet runs too hot/cold. see? it pays to be less handsome than your son...
Jennifer Jason Leigh: i do the typical '90s sex scene. pick the kinkiest place to fuck and there i am, on top of the fire truck won out i guess. at least it wasn't on top of the hydrant. Billy was a sweetheart but did i have to suck on his hairy bellybutton till a line of spit formed like a cobweb?...
Ron Howard: you were imitating the backdraft. the next time you hear a sucking sound by your door, it's not a backdraft, it's the sound of Dirg's life...
Mardith: suck in that gut like smoke! men post their conquests, women post being a woman...
Eye Luggage: holy shit! is that a young Captain Harkness?!!!...
Dirg: one of JT Walsh's last roles, he disappeared so fast into thin smoke he might as well have died from smoke inhalation...
David Crosby: where was the '70s hippie!!! i didn't see him!!!
Laertus sack-taps Dirg's third shoulder:
Laertus: LOOK ALIVE, PROBIE! it's your turn, go.
Dirg: my backbone can't take all my weight. oh that is such a '90s scene, you think the loud rumbling in the background gonna STRIKE the screen and surprise you with fire!!! but it's just a loud column of water from the hose. get out of the street, stop causing a riot, people are trying to drink beer inside! that firehose rally up the stairs is so '90s it might as well be an anime scene. typical '90s Generation-X slacker, no direction, many hobbies, no career, just a great ass.
Boc: i appreciate the butts in this shower scene, i wish i had a friend i could talk to casually both of us naked, you'd be surprised, we wouldn't look, and these conversations end up being the most meaningful in life...
LIFE Magazine photographer: hey kid i'm gonna shove this old-timey smoke camera in your face at the exact worst moment of your life. thanks, i'll send you the Pulitzer money in the mail...
Dirg: fucking beta Jimmy Olsen!
Donald Sutherland: because of me LIFE Magazine didn't fold. of course you couldn't fold my copy, hard as a rock, you couldn't read my copy cos all the pages were stuck together...
Billy: why do you live out here alone on a boat?
Kurt: marriage is hard.
Billy: is this about the time i stole your Game Genie?
Kurt: LOOK, MAN! you know the waters are rising, climate change is real, this boat will come in handy sooner than you think...
Billy: what's with all these canisters of gas?
Kurt: it's a gas boat...
Eye: it would have been juicier if the brother WAS the arsonist. then you would have had to have Billy kill his own brother!
Rebecca De Mornay: rare movie with TWO sex scenes. but mine was the marriage-sex scene, it's all in the dark and nothing is shown...
De Niro: ah yes, the fireman who smokes cigarettes, classic trope. Rimgale, not the exotic ringtailed lemur who started covid. ugh i hated this movie, have you ever seen me actually TAKE it from the higher-ups in the brass? i'm fucking De Niro! I AIN'T NO MIDDLEMAN!!! and my hair in this is bad, too. i'm not causing a fire, i'm using plastic bottles of cooking oil to make a point...
Martin Yan: i can testify to that...
Laertus: and the fire turns you into Freddy Krueger...
Dirg: ouch! was that real? Kurt's head slams into that light. flashlight...flashover...fleshlight...
Dirg: IDIOT. didn't check the door for warmth! i do that with EVERY sorority door!...
Swayzak: the part was specifically written for Patrick Swayze. Swayzak is the anime name of Patrick Swayze...
Swayzak: i had sway with the other aldermen. what? i was protecting all the little old ladies in the group homes from covid...
De Niro: it's not everyday you get attacked by a masked man at night when you break into a mansion. i coulda punched this mook's lights out if Ron Howard let me! how ironic would it have been to die by sticking my finger in an electric socket. hey, i did say i wanted to make a
POINT
no but seriously, how do i recover from being speared?
Britney: story of my life. help me, Robert De Niro, play my dad in a movie...
Adcox: yeah i'm the cock. but do you blame me? that burn on my back? i play electric guitar in a band. Mice With Matches.
Pat: a-ha! SEE???!!! i've been framed and that is not my good side!
Boc: Dirg, turnout gear does not make you gay. but it certainly helps.
Dirg: EVERY movie ends with Luke vs. Darth on the catwalk...
Mardith: oh my! after that LONG protracted scene full on each corner with fire, i do hope this film won an Oscar...at least for special effects...
Dirg: i would have easily let go of him. i'm not getting emotional here, guess you have to have a brother to know...
Laertus: but i'm your brother.
Rubikon: the inner-city sure is sick of hearing the siren again!
Shaq inside in the back of the speeding ambulance: 10ccs of IcyHot stat!
Dirg: amount of male sperm in each cum...
De Niro: i got a million each for each of my face mannerisms...
Jennifer Jason Leigh: as it ends you realize you have no idea who i am. nothing is explored, my character's story, her backstory, her motivation for climbing the corporate ladder. was i an Olympic hopeful on the vault but then my hips caught on fire? i'm just there to get fucked.
Swayzak: hey things cost money. and manpower is Boc's department. i was downsizing cos of covid. luckily this movie did well in the theatres...
Billy Baldwin: there are a million firefighters in the U.S. it was a billion but backdraft. and the film ends on a somber note, as i now have to learn to navigate life without a father AND a brother. g'night, folks...
Encyclopedia Brown at the station: are you even at least sorry?
Pat: i didn't do it. i was eating at Bob's Burgers across the street...
Encyclopedia: *takes out handcuffs from out his backpocket* where were you at the time of the crime? i mean, look, we haven't nabbed the roaster yet, he seems to have disappeared into thin air which is the ingredient needed for a backdraft. as if he never existed. we booked Kenny Rogers but let him go. but we gotta nail somebody for the media, so you gotta do penance.
Pat: fine but i get to choose...
Encyclopedia leans back on his rolling chair talking to himself:
Encyclopedia: *sigh* Detective Conan was too busy making that anime money off Sherlock's muscular back. RDJ's back on drugs. the NTSB investigator asked me to ask you if you saw a fire in the engine. Stabler is gone this week, he was available every other week...
Encyclopedia: why hasn't there been a cartoon of my book series?...
Pat arrives at the firehouse along the second street curb, its gold pole is broken...
Pat: no stripping today then i see. paint still. hello, Billy Baldwin.
Billy: you here for the tennis lessons?...
for the next weeks to months Pat learns the ropes. of the actual ropes of being a firefighter. until the penalty has been served.
Galivant: are you of service now? are you a man?
Pat: no i'm a fireman.
Galivant: why'd you do it?
Pat: *sigh* look i did learn something from this hell. not the fire part. i underwent actual certified training. i did it for you, i did it for us. in an upstairs bed in the firehouse Billy Baldwin taught me how to cum. Billy Baldwin is HANDSOME!!!
Galivant: that wasn't cum in your sheets, that was oyster stew! you traded mignonette for dollars!
cat familiars: we were out bowling, we smelled the soup from there! why did this firehouse not have a Dalmatian tho? that was weird...
Galivant: how will you not have this happen to you again?
Pat: dunno, i get distracted easily, my tv shows...
Galivant: well you better learn and fast, cos we're getting married...
Pat: you're pregnant?!
Galivant: no this is the real kind of proposal, the gun-control proposal.
Galivant gets down on one knee...
Galivant: will you marry me?
Pat: where's the ring?
Galivant: in my vagina.
Encyclopedia Brown: *takes out handcuffs from out his backpocket* want me to arrest her?...
Pat: i got this, Encyclopedia...
