Pat: i will do what i have to do. i will trudge forth even if it counts me my life. i will not drink water. if i'm blocked at the gate i'll dig under. i won't let the universe stop me from living my dream!!!
Galivant: now you're talking, sweetie.
Pat: it's your vagina vase, it inspires me, i look at it each morning on the sill before as the dawnlight breaks on its broken glued-together surface before i go test.
Galivant: you know that project wasn't just a resistance piece, it was a renaissance piece...
Mardith: Netflix and chill?
Dirg: Netflix is a joke...
Katharine McPhee: breakfast is ready! it took me a LOOOOOOONNNNGGG time to culture these eggs...
Dirg: there is no cure,,,
Kramer: Seinfeld was a superhuman show...
Jerry Seinfeld: it was about Superman...
at the Weather Channel:
Colleen Coyle: of course i'm pregnant! what the Hell do you think there was to do during quarantine!
Dirg: that black dude in the shingles-vaccine commercial is Idris Elba...
Rege-Jean Page: that's my father...
Brooke Bourgeois: love me for my art not my name. can i get Chevy Chase to be my weird uncle? i can rehab him. weird with words.
Takahashi: video games are ridiculous, Project Cars is more expensive than my project car!!!
Pat: Seven Sisters, my next college experience. but is it in the classroom or in the sack?
Paris Hilton: reum means "prosecution", i know, red flag...
Doryce dunks her head in a pot of water then uses this pot of water to cook the spaghetti...
Ted Cruz: my daughters wanted to go to Cancun but i needed to go to Hawaii. why Hawaii? Adam Sandler's in Hawaii of course!!!
Mardith: *typing* replacing my exclamation points with periods...
Madame Pons: *typing* i accidentally hit the increase indent button. now one hit is two spaces. saves on button wear but it takes my eyes getting used to...
Eye Luggage: *typing* remember double-space in college?...
Dirg: *typing* these girls on Instagram with nothing upstairs.........no Instagram Stories i mean...
William Jennings Bryan: i changed my name to Bryant to honor Kobe...
Takahashi: see, Dirg? it's SSSS not SS Gridman, the Nazis will never win...
Dirg: when one mountain man fills the black wheelie-cart bin to the brim full of heavy hard wet leaves cos he's the gardener and the other mountain man lifts the heavy cart and puts it in his heavy chomping machine-truck cos he's a trash man who's been to the dentist, that's two men right there. two manly men. that's mountain-man-to-mountain-man communication...
Takahashi pulls up in a Citroen...
Dirg: great! one ride in your new car, Taka, and i will be cured of covid! Vitamin C...
Rege-Jean Page: the Progressive cute-guy-retainer commercial, that's me playing young, it's a Young Rock thing...
Laertus: my dad LOVES laundromats, they're so '80s...
Cher: that was a Three Stooges slap! that was a Little Rascals slap!
Nick Jonas: i literally WILLED the invention by the world of non-finger-stick diabetes, i WILLED the invention of the wheel...
Tricia Vessey: i hate basketball. i was born to be a female don, my father married Superman's moll.........just kidding, i'm from Monterey and wanted to hook up with Anthony Kiedis at rg burger, i wanted to have kids with Kiedis. when you're a doll in a gangster flick you go by Louise, not Louie.
Rege: you have to BURN not want
Dirg: throughout this pandemic i've heard from lost forgotten relatives cousins uncles and washroom girls i didn't know i had.........but still not my father...
Dr. Rick: we're doing redneck jokes for old people!!
Laertus:
WeatherTech, we never left...but we will we be bought up by a foreign company overseas soon, it's inevitable...
Steve Conte: *with "Stray" playing in the background* where's the moon? blue-furred dogs in Russia, Russia's real-life Wolf's Rain did not turn into a happy anime...
Putin: we misused our nuclear power, didn't watch that arrow on the energy meter, cos we were watching anime...
Dirg: so what, you're gonna cut 50% of the world's people out of your life FOREVER?...
Leo Sayer: i am actually the Fourth Beastie Boy...
Susan Stamberg: i'm from Newark. i did the whole gray-hair thing first...
crones: you mean grey, dear...
Dirg: Jack In The Box is the only fast-food joint you can loiter inside of at 3AM......well it used to be...
Madame Pons: one of my girls says Element chocolate rice cakes are Smith Island cake...
Sam Shepard: i wrote a play for Mia Kirshner...but she disappeared...
Jean-Paul Sartre: i'd like to introduce to you my daughter Charlotte...she's mother to one child...
Rubikon: the Seaside Round Table looks like a post office...
Bill Murray: you know i just realized this now, i'm the ONLY CELEBRITY EVER at these celeb golf tournament thingies...
Michelle Wie: at least you weren't paired with Giuliani...
Rudy Giuliani: pair of panties...
Dianne Nicolini: we need money. we need money dammit!!! we will always need money nobody listens to classical music!!! i'll give you all my wine and cheese just save the station!!!
Heather McCartney: of course i did pot, my dad got busted for it. pot short for pottery...
Paul McCartney: scrub that scouse...
Martin Yan: Junichi Goto was my son. i told him to lay off the bikes, cars are safer. you can't be FLCL in real life...
Olympic gymnast to Matt Lauer: this is revenge for when you said i had to give up that Olympic gold medal cos my score was ridiculously low...
Punkie Johnson: look at the moon, Soleil. it's time for a black Punky Brewster with vocal fry...
Olivia Rodrigo: you weren't expecting the fucks huh. next up: tit tats. i'm gonna be what Victoria Justice never was...
Dirg: California schoolboards say fuck...
Pete Davidson: hey you're cute!
Dirg: me?
Pete: Olivia.
Dirg: she's finally legal...
Dirg: that song is about a girl stalking a guy on his street...but she's hot so it's okay...
Martha Stewart: i didn't die in prison...
Bugs Bunny: i blew myself up at the opera for gajar. does that make me a bad bunny?
Saloni Gaur: twitter is the new salon. twitter is for jokes, not hate...
Catweazle: i was if Doctor Who was Merlin...
James Holzhauer: Jeopardy winners, we're not just a group of assholes. the first homeless guy Alex Trebek helped was me...
Ken Jennings: no it was me...
Doryce to Dirg: if i have to put your trashed food in the recycling bin the least you can do is let me eat your food!
Zitkala-Sa: i train flocks of phoenixes---phoenii---to magic...some have bad skin...
Conan O'Brien: i relate to Lincoln. i like tall gangly men with weird faces...
Dirg: the only exercise i do is the pullup bar, that slide on Instagram Stories where you rate the video...
Codrus: you're gonna be shocked to death when you realize it was real after all and they are all really dead...
Samantha Rothenberg: fuck it, i'm doing a Mad Magazine for women!!!
Mark Hapka: i gots Indian blood in me...Native American blood...
Laertus: it feels like we all survived a battle...
Doryce: i promised myself i wouldn't go back to Starbucks until i could sit down in their dining room...
Cyborg: there's an ice wall in the middle of Antarctica...
Beast Boy: i ate the butter wall...
Raven: Beast Boy is best boy.
Malcolm X: i'm in the middle. i wanted to be President. i liked Judas and the Black Messiah better than One Night In Miami...
Codrus: same...
Jim Acosta: i will make a fine Health Secretary for Biden...
Mary Gross: i'm not a lesbian. just unlucky in love. i'm pretty not gross with a nice body and sexy librarian glasses. my brother went on to fame and fortune with Family Ties and didn't leave any for the rest of the family!!!
Hayley: i have the arc of the stars as the bow in my hand. i am bone-hard. cancer can't touch me up here in space...
Woody Allen: Allen v Farrow, sounds like some bad Alien remake...
Codrus: it's weird how Eric Nies didn't become Brad Pitt...
Eric Nies: i became a monk instead...
Mardith: can we bring back main squeeze?...
Alex Trebek: the new guy looks like Chip Esten. or the guy who played Robin Williams...
Brooke Shields: Mr. Pickles cursed me...
William Burroughs: remember when SNL still paid for my lunch?...and it wasn't all empty calories?...i'm a brilliant writer but the most uncomfortable performer you will ever witness in your life...i'll give you hives watching me...
Lauren Hutton: i'm playing Stevie Nicks in the Lifetime movie when the time is right...
Pilar Crespi: i went to Crespi...
police chief: i say the juicy bits about Tiger Woods in Spanish...
Putin: i like French cinema like everyone else. in Russia you can pee in bottles but only at my Palace...
Deputy Roach from Momma Named Me Sheriff: GET THAT HORN-HEADED CAPITOL RIOTER THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!
Michael Weiss licking an ice cream on an Obec park bench: Instagram, dial up your fantasy...
David Spade: don't blame me for Tiger! we're just bros!
The Heuristic Squelch: we out here! West Side! we not The Rumpus, we don't write our comedy in no rumpus room, we don't HAVE a writers room!
The Rumpus: we got Derrida!!!
Bobby Shmurda: folk literally be counting the days down until my release from the slammer till i can slam her. in the youtube comments...EVERY FUCKING DAY for 7 years, nigga! hat drop today! the hat has landed!
Dirg: they wouldn't let me into FaZe House which was disappointing cos they are our last gasp at representation in the world. they let Sean Hannity in their clan...
Takahashi: notice how i have absolutely nothing to do with this...
crones: we have escaped to the chateau...
Boc: i got a rototiller!
crones: Eiffel 65 "Blue", those lyrics are our chant...
Mardith: blue puts a spell on me...
Kawhi: if i were LeBron with the raw power of my Instagram finger i would Like EVERY SINGLE POST i could find to influence ALL the influencers and become the real KING of the world! i stroll the street meditating, i train in a basement to be the next samurai. the next Ghost Dog with claws for paws.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Laertus: life is about loving the wrong people, that's why i'm friends with Dirg...
Eye Luggage: Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai and go. like a comic book come to life. Liquid Sword, a type of CBD and good beats
Laertus: Liquid Knife, laffy taffy and gum
Dirg: Liquid Gun, Star Wars...
Laertus: great film. seedy and underground from the start, i fell in love with those dark grimy sets, reminded me of Batman. those bodega ministreets of liquor aquariums and crime that make up the downtown of any scummy city, that's what life is all about! that's where a samurai can swoop down and do the work! i don't care what you say, this was filmed up North, this isn't some Sopranos ripoff, this was filmed in Canada! it has all the earmarks of Canadian sci-fi and fantasy television! namely the sets and streets! i mean for fuck sake the back of the corner alleyway warehouse where the mob have their family meeting is WHERE SPINNER FROM DEGRASSI WORKED AFTER SCHOOL!!! the greasy spoon, where Travolta switched faces! Jim Jarmusch is Canadian i don't care what you say, i mean look at that blue-rinse hair! the ice-cream truck-man! he speaks French! French-Canadian! who Canadian do you know in New Jersey!!!?
Lauren Fix: that really is my given last name. Ghost Dog knows cars but not as well as me. can he hotwire a car while looking this hot and caring for small kids? my nieces hotrod golf carts. love that Ghost Dog wears gloves, as a samurai he had the ancient mystical spirit foresight of covid. V A P O R W A V E A T N I G H T sets the moody mood. the atmosphere hits you like film school. driving down empty streets at night gives you the time and freedom and silence to think, meditate, read Japanese scrollbooks outloud. driving down empty streets at night, i recognized this, too, i had the foreknowledge, it's not scary, it's a new genre of music: hip-hop at night is vaporwave.
Forest Whitaker: no relation to Doctor Who. i became Ghost Dog for one reason: i got to kill a pair of red-hatted Bump supporters onscreen. the red hat is the new red pill. i mean Bump's name was never invoked, they were a pair of hunters who called me coloured, but you get the drift...
Rubikon: illegal is illegal, right Dirg? illegal hunting is...
Dirg: ...not people hunting.
cat familiars: SAVE ALL ANIMALS! what are we to make of the sublime performance of our good friend the dog in this film?
dog: silent but deadly. i box in invisible waves. still waters run deep. i have no lines but i stare at Ghost Dog, don't steal my dog moniker that's not for humans. i know what you did, Ghost Dog, i know your secrets, i don't have to bark about it...
Dirg: i thought the black French ice cream dude was in fact RZA who did the soundtrack...
Roger Ebert: *glaring at the Forest like a dog* Ghost Dog, i loved you in this. i loved you reading the passages of the Hagakure, the way the book blends in and out of the scenes, but let's be serious here, you aren't a trained martial artist or anything. you merely use this book to shield you from the abject horror of being desperately alone in society with no one to turn to. Ghost Dog is in fact insane, he's applying this code of the sword to make himself feel special, feel on his wide body the soft felt of a samurai's robe when all he has in his life are rows, cornrows. you're a street vagrant with no skills. no life skills. no Liam Neeson skills. you were a homeless man Alex Trebek couldn't help.
Gene Siskel: it is cool how samurai guns are inserted replacing samurai swords. i came THIS close to living long enough to review this film...
Ebert: our last show together the last film you ever reviewed was about Helena Bonham Carter in a wheelchair wanting to fuck Obi-Wan Kenobi. Gene, can you believe you missed the entire 21st Century!
Siskel: tis a blessing. i didn't miss anything, life became terrible after the '90s. like Bobby Shmurda missing the entire Bump Administration. rising stars: Christina Ricci is still on the list, right? Roger, i was the only one who could keep up with you, control you, i trained, i meditated, until i finally surpassed you, i surpassed you my master...
cat familiars: LET GO OF THE PIGEONS!!! don't use beautiful birds in the commission of human folly!!! get that note off that poor bird's foot, we are not your slaves!!!
Tyzik: i thought the black dude in the ice cream truck was that guy from Lost.
Dirg: Ghost Dog can't understand a word of French ice-cream man says. you know that's the recipe for the best friendships...i want to spraypaint-graffiti that ice cream truck...
Dirg: there will never be ghosting between them, Ghost Dog had to whack Casper. and the fat guy turns around and it's not Ghost Dog, it's the fat guy from Lost. the worst thing you can ever call an Italian is white...
Takahashi: i love that everyone in the world of this film watches cartoons to pass the time. it was a simpler time back then. old-timey cartoons. Betty Boop, Popeye...
Dirg: ...and Popeye's prostitute Olive Oyl...you can shoot a bullet through tape?
Gorilla Glue: only if it's doublesided tape...
Eye: i was disappointed, i thought the chick in this was gonna be Ghost Dog's love interest, i wanted some swirly sex.
Ghost Dog i only help out on the street when the person getting mugged ISN'T Bruce Lee. or when i could do a better rap. those park punks were okay but they ain't no Shmurda. my favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, ironically...
Camille Winbush: don't make fun of my name. cone me but never clone me, you can't clone me! look at me, look how unique i look!
Shmurda: i approve...
Eye: the little girl is quite perceptive. she knows Ghost Dog has no friends. he lives on a roof, that's not normal even if you are a sniper or a pigeon-tenderer. not pigeon tenders.
Laertus: i'm sorry but Ghost Dog gives that second-rate mob stoolie regional captain WAY TOO MUCH RESPECT. i know he did ONE good thing in his life and wasn't a bystander for ONCE and saved his life and there's a code and everything but...you see what happens in the end? retainer, that label means nothing, Ghost Dog is felled by his own master!
Ghost Dog: i have a retainer in my mouth, distracts from my eye...
Laertus: did NO ONE in this film ever think to themselves it might be a good idea to wear a bulletproof vest!!!?...
cat familiars: the bird that lands on Ghost Dog's scope of his gun at the mob mansion Palace is the same bird that saved the man from killing himself in the Collective Soul "The World I Know" video...
Kurt Cobain: and suddenly this becomes The Matrix. Georgia grunge, that Jesus song from Collective Soul came out one year after me, shame, so close, this close, just missed...
Trent Reznor: all music is suicide-prevention...
Dirg: you can shoot someone through a pipe?
Mario: a white man doing a terrible black rap dance. sigh. learn form my jumps how to dance.
Pat: pressure make diamond or bust pipe. but burst pipes are bad...
cat familiars: it's not glamorous, okay? pigeons flying in the glittery shiny gold Cubicle Vestibule of Rome but no one sees the behind-the-scenes.
the Pope: bird.
Laertus: i hate when white gangsters try to utilize do-rags. but my dad does look like Christopher Durang...
Eye: you rang? so white Omerta have free reign to say the n-word? in the n-nineties?
Ghost Dog: are you a made man?
Pearline: i'm a little girl.
Ghost Dog: what did you think of Rashomon?
Pearline: it was a Choose Your Own Adventure.
Ghost Dog: that's just cos it was a paperback.
Ghost Dog: here, Louie, a book is more valuable than a life...
Louie: *crying* i promise to read it...or have Tricia Vessey read it to me...
Jim Jarmusch: we didn't want having a little girl firing a loaded gun...
Raymond: all my tears are making my ice cream salty...mmmmm, new flavor!...
Eye: and we have it all set up for the sequel, with Pearline becoming the next Ghost Dog...
RZA: hey don't forget about me. cold lampin, cooler than loitering. loiter squad. the little girl can be the third movie, i'm the second...
Ghost Dog to little girl: you know Sweetback? same as me but the children are treated better here. you know Richard Roundtree? same as me but i dreaded my fro. i loved my fro so much i cornrowed it. i became Ghost Dog cos i saw the eyes of Rudy G, those Giuliani eyes bugging out at me and i knew i could no longer remain silent...
Rubikon and Takahashi: the main lesson here is the one in the middle of the good book in the film:
if you can learn to truly live in the present, you have lived. you make a decision in seven breaths. and you never think about the consequences of the decision 40 years down the line in the future, you live in the moment, you never talk about it, you remain silent about your decision, you don't gab up your fevered troubled head, you don't worry what others think of your decision or your reputation, all you have is this very moment now. that's all your life. if you experience this, live this moment, not live in the past of your rumors or the future, you are here, you are present, you are breathing samurai...
Mardith and Madame Pons: agreed. g'night, folks.
by a lamp at the college library, Pat takes a breath and is ready to confront Galivant:
Galivant: how did studying go? i know about you. tell me what i know.
Pat: i tried to wish you a happy birthday. i typed in a message but your website ate my comment! i guess i'm not on the list!
Galivant: i don't have a list.
Pat: i know you, i know your manner, you have a sharp tongue, you use language to sear into me what you mean, your words are samurai swords in my belly everytime you tell me something. so i wanted your birthday message from me to be an equally potent parry. a strike to your soul. i had to choose my words carefully. when my first message got dropped i became angry. but i breathed seven times and wrote the second message with my usual wit words instead of my cynical words.
Galivant: i appreciate that. that's living a life of no regret, always acting on your second instinct. but everyday is my birthday.........when i'm with you...
Pat: one last question. did we have sex?
Galivant: do you feel we had sex? if you do we did, if you didn't we didn't.
Pat: i don't know. i did take seven breaths before cumming.
Galivant: i eat gravity. i have better balance than you.
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