Friday, February 19, 2021

I'M GLAD




notes:

* David Letterman: of course i sucked on Jennifer Aniston's hair, it was a bit, that was the bit!
Jennifer Aniston: i was a good sport about it. i get it, white girl with dreads, it's a curiosity. but did you have to make me clean off after? i mean i had to put the poor tissue in my pocket...

* Cameron Diaz: this sucks, i thought you said i'd be working with Dolly Parton...

* Codrus: what on god's great is that Missing Link animal up top there?
Cotard: that's a garbageman, you've never see one of those cos you're always sleeping...

* Tom Bosley: speaking of 9-to-5, welcome, Cameron.
Cameron Diaz: yeah yeah. i know the drill. you were a show about the '50s done in the '70s. can we at least play Weezer instead of Elvis?...

* Glad trashmen: we got a purple trash truck and bubbles. we're just happy that's all. we're just glad...
Boc: i'm glad for GLAAD.

* wife: need a hand? why did i marry such a weak man.
husband: what, i look like Dylan McDermott. i got the sinewy hairy forearms.
wife: no, the polka-dot apron. you thought you scored bagging me, huh.
husband: i don't care, i got my hot Asian, this is exactly what i asked for, put a hex on me, put a dragon spell on me and make my arms Popeye arms.
wife: you know my father is Martin Yan, yeah? you know the dude with the butcher knife...

* DJ: wake up, SNL radio skit! is there anybody in downtown anymore? any callers? rush to callers? turn up the Quiet Storm no one can hear it!!! why is my mic frozen? oh yeah this is a Texas radio station. is public radio still a thing? Aurora, Illinois are you there? everyone does podcasts now. i'm gonna polycule Rick Dees and do a Weenie Roast, you can KIIS-FM my ass! 

* Bobby Moynihan: hi. i painted this Matisse myself. i'll be playing the part of that poor unfortunate soul guy who lost his life filming Weird Al Yankovic's UHF...

* dairy maiden: don't worry, cow, you ain't brown, i'm not a Garbage Pail Kid, buttercup is a song not a maneuver...

* Jason Sudeikis: i'm going back to pitchman cos i need a distraction. like an old glove-sock doing this SNL skit. i don't really like Keeley Hazell but my agent says i have to be with someone for the press...

* goat: remember Vine?

* Burger King: back of the McDonalds, that's what they don't want you to see. we have a new chicken sandwich that's a complete ripoff of Popeyes...

* Japan: we did our country exactly like Times Square...except we have people in ours...

* plane: thunder is Spanish...

* oh shit! the Perseverance discovered the first Glad Bag on Mars!!!...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: either the new chicken sandwich from Burger King or Straw Hat Pizza, i discovered one in Central and it's giving me Southern '80s nostalgia. back then they gave out straw hats to the kids. i wore my straw hat and it was eaten by a goat...

Roger Federer: i was that G.O.A.T. i don't care what the media says...



 


No comments: