Pat: i'm going to Dartmouth and i'm gonna study Philosophy.........i'm going for my PhD in Philosophy, which is a double-negative...
Galivant: Dartmouth, that's where they have that skinny-dip in the icy pond for duped freshmen who think that's the only way to get a 4.0...
Pat: yep. i already tried it. the Dartmouth Winter Carnival Frozen Lake. i got two penises after i jumped...
Dirg: you grew an extra cock? i need to wake up. i just threw my bottle in the bin, i need THOSE pills!
Laertus: ah Dartmouth, the only institution of higher learning which blazed the trail to make Native American scholars athletes and artists famous again in this country...
Marge Gunderson, Campus Security: i know icy lakes, folks. this ain't Fargo, this be Thief River Falls. the river and the land were stolen doncha know, we've been paying for the Fall ever since...
Cotard: Candlemas? i don't know that one...
Gladyce: this morning i came across a yellow Splenda packet that was just the paper-thin packet, no sugar. it was sealed but no sugar. what a find! it must be worth millions on Antiques Roadshow so i'm putting it in my small fifth-pocket in my jeans for safekeeping...
Trent Reznor: Marilyn Manson and i sure had DIVERGENT careers and outcomes after collaborating that one time. i thought he was sacred kin, someone who could uniquely understand me. it appears the goth darkness affects different people different ways...
Eye Luggage: tell me about it.
Takahashi: doing some traveling, journaling as i travel. thought that Straw Hat Pizza was a YMCA...
Dirg: the YMCA quells racial tensions...when it's open...
Codrus: *hehe* it's snowing, it's snowing, the old man is snoring...
Michael Weiss in a Vader helmet: what's with all these people on Instagram winning first-places and trophies? what exactly are these contests?...
Michael Weiss in a Vader helmet: i hate people...
Madame Pons: that's your problem, you hate people...
Michael Weiss in a Vader helmet: ...i hate people who have 2 Instagram accounts...too much work to keep track...
Dirg: the name of the tv show on liberal ABC is literally What You Need To Know...
Patrick Rafter: i'm that Australian bloke on The Bold and the Beautiful......i know, i look like Russell Crowe...
Kate DiCamillo: no you may NOT borrow a cup of sugar...
crones: we've been doing some traveling, too, some hardy traveling to get to the hearty traveling, some deep dives. went to Natura Artis Magistra Zoo, smoked some spicy tree, read some Tate Etc music magazine...
Dirg: that music magazine is indie, it tastes like taint...
Doryce: i fell in love with the music of the night, realizing once and for all that all music is black music, i danced with a giraffe at my own wedding...
Kelly Mitchell: my rain dance really brought the rain cos the rain thought i was naked. i am Challen Cates's crone...Stevie Nicks stole my hat...
Doryce: it's the perfect way for me to do Dry January: i do it with dry wine!!!...
Takahashi: looking back at it, it's just weird that one of the biggest albums of all time is called Dookie...
Eye Luggage to crones: go to Wingrave, it's goth...
Madame Pons: i still say oh my goodness, it's cute...
Pons: all my best friends are healers, they're all real-estate agents...
President Biden: i have a normal Twitter...
Eye Luggage: the Jenny Craig commercial, the champagne pops into a messy frothy fountain of foam for a WOMAN, nice...
Jonathan Swan: i got Betsy Woodruff a ROCK!!! i didn't mind her Muppet mouth, we had a cutemeet at the paper...
Betsy Woodruff: i didn't mind his Sam Hyde thing where you never know if he's serious or not...i had a kid with him...
Don Pardo: why did you guys on Season 6 have lockers?
Charles Rocket: cos we were the JV Team...
Armie Hammer: i'm doing some growing to get away from it all. not that, plants and flowers. sky blossoms and the such. planting with my hammer instead of my ho. i'm growing illegally on Obec Forest land but nobody's here now so nobody cares. this morning i woke up to the Love Fern on my plot!!!
Takahashi: SSSS Gridman is Saturday-morning-cartoon Attack on Titan...
Willy from Attack on Titan: i explain through a stageplay. i have a feeling i'll be quite welcome here...
Michael Weiss waving around a flapping GameStop ticket in his mouth: if you're popular on Instagram, you have more buttons to mash, you're Liking your comments more...
Michael Weiss being cradled by Takahashi: Instagram is meant to be a community. nobody gives a fuck what your individual account is, you are merely another account to lend your Like to the greater online revolution...
Colin Jost: i changed my name to Colin Johansson...
Dirg: everytime i wake up i'm scrambling fumbling in the dark in the sheets of my bed searching for my beanie...
Dirg: Rege-Jean Page is the new black Bachelor from the Bachelor!!! bring on the Rose Ceremony!!!...
Joe Piscopo: hey i did my part for gun control two weeks after John Lennon's death. i did that "Gun City" skit on the SNL show...
Putin: why would someone pee in the vaccine?...
Pat: i'm sad cos my beloved Julia Ioffe has taken up with Navalny. they have secret spy sex, she was his first conjugal visit...
Julia Ioffe: i miss my Russian-ice-blue eyes...
Madame Pons: don't break the chain? THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!
Stevie Nicks: tell me about it...
Michael Weiss with Russia-blue eye-ice-contacts on: it's like i go on dates with all my followers, but i never finish...
George Clooney: i'm the greatest thing to come out of Kentucky, not you, Colonel Sanders. i actually married TOO YOUNG the first time...
Madame Pons: my arc this cycle is i'm gonna be dealing with my girls, i head a zoom group of women on campus raped by world leaders. like Navalny, you'd be surprised how much just posting a zoom meeting of this strange sorority of like-minded people scares the fuck out of the powerful. we're spending too much time with our partners this pandemic, we're seeing our differences not our similarities, like the country.
Mardith: i kicked Dirg into the guest house like Steadman, he refused to wear a mask...
Pons: you're Millennial Oprah!!!
Cotard: guest houses, that's basically what our monk cells are...
Martin Yan: i did NOT go to a club on that last episode of Spice Kingdom, those were hints of shadows of dancing girls on the walls, that episode was still rated G...
Cotard: the Tower of Babel's spiral shape is from the film Titanic...
Codrus: it's a double-edged helix sword, the humans are feeling comfortable now, but now all of their Instagrams are boring...
Cotard: if you see an Instagram account with your own profile pic that's not your account, run! that's what i did when i saw you on Instagram, brother...
Codrus: i ain't no stalker! how can God be a stalker?...
Eddie Murphy: bring back the SNL steel-cage-match elevator from Season 6!...
Coke: we even recycle the cap of the plastic bottle! we're the best drink!
Tamron Hall: i know, Da Brat, i'm cute, i'm irresistible...
Takahashi: if eating a burger at 7AM is wrong, i don't want to be right...
Dirg: why did i buy that 1985 Pac-Man tabletop arcade cabinet you may ask? that joystick is my only exercise...
Tyzik: i'm going for my PhD, too. in my thesis i attempt to explain why THIS time when film & tv have reverted back to nostalgic revivals & reboots, it's different from what film & tv have ALWAYS done...
Doryce: Bama you are a DOLL for dropping out of college to become a bagboy just so you can help take my groceries home. *she gives him a big wet sloppy kiss...*
Bama tries to take in all the plastic bags at once in one trip and ends up tearing a hole in his butthole and in the corner of Doryce's box of Dunkin Coffee Cereal...
Yoko: Goblin Market To Maria, the alternate title to The Sound of Music...
Gladyce: i've become one of those little old ladies who stand at the shelf of the grocery store for an hour sniffing a big-ass cylindrical tin of fruit punch...
Doryce: my mask-wearing has cost me dates!!! the hunks at The Store can't see my beautiful face!!!...
Tyzik: can it! or i'll kick your can! it's a very hard thing to place a tv show. where do you put it so it gets the best rating?
Cecily Strong: Saturday nights and you compete with us.
Takahashi: Sunday nights and you compete with night cartoons and HBO.
Dirg: Friday nights and nobody's home to watch it...
Pons: i got my Jordache at DoorDash...
Mardith: Lost In Translation, its magic extends beyond the boundaries of time...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
David Carradine: *takes a breath* all hail L.A. chicken drivethrus, SNL did a skit THE WEEK OF Colonel Sanders's death...1980 was a very troubling year...
David Cronenberg: STILL NO AWARDS!!! after all this time nothing for me!!! that's it, i'm going straight into dreamcreep...
Eye Luggage: The Rise of Skywalker and go...
Dirg: you mean Starkiller...
Laertus: i was aware and leery of all the negative reviews, i wanted to see for myself. not gonna lie the first hour or so was quite...disturbing...i thought this thing would be a long snoozer...but it picks up by the end and lands on a nice moon...
Eye: Carrie Fisher tho, it's doubly-heartbreaking to see her like that. on a cold slab in the story and in real life. they had to use her CGI young face for that blast-from-the-past lasering sequence with her brother, that was...awkward...the AOT CGI is better...
AOC: ...
Dirg: it would have been better if Rey had bigger tits...
Mark Hamill: cut scene from this film:
Luke Skywalker: DoorDash sucks. do you want salt on your broccoli?
Rey: give all the salt to Kylo...
Rey: this is good meat! delicious! what is it?
Luke: Chewbacca. remember? you killed him. the Chewbacca Lady is no longer welcome at any Disney grounds...
Luke: i'll be back.........no, i'm never coming back...
Daisy Ridley: i found out i was a Palpatine the same day Emilia Clarke found out she was gonna die...
Daisy: i want the next arc of three films to be about Dark Rey, Dark Rey is obviously hotter than me...
John Boyega: i quit Hollywood, was never in the club. i'm a fulltime activist now, i realize my last name is perfect for the work i do...
Oscar Isaac: just filling in for Han Solo. why did they kill off Harrison Ford anyway? that's like killing off George Clooney!!!
C-3PO: i'm fine from the fall even tho you didn't call out for me, you didn't call my name, that was the funniest line in the film...
Keri Russell: i'm a CIA spy...
Dirg: with a nice butt...
Chewbacca: i'd rather be playing basketball...
Kelly Marie Tran: ...
Ian McDiarmid: Snoke could have been WAY more interesting...
Lando Calrissian: they took away my Millennium Falcon license for drinking. i can only drink Colt now with Jim Irsay...
Laertus: Wayfinder? really? that's so on-the-nose. call it a Triforce or something...
Eye: Laertus, you have a Star Wars name!
Eye: not gon lie, my heart stopped when i thought Chewbacca had been Challengered out of the sky and was dead...
Mardith: i wanted more from that festival of dancing out in the middle of the desert. see? if we save the elephants NOW they will become this beautiful colorful race of people LATER...
JJ: i mean you have to give it up to me, there's been a lightsaber, there's been a blaster gun, but there's never been a knife in Star Wars...
JJ: the hobbit and the fat guy are in my movie cos i'm itching to do the Lost revival already...
C-3PO: i can never interpret Sith language. that's like the thing where nobody knows the parts necessary to reengineer an ipad to do the bidding of President Bump...except Jeff Bezos, new head of Apple...
Dirg: THE GINGER WAS THE MOLE!!! EVERYONE KNEW THAT!!!
Laertus: the huckster. next time don't go to your superior officer walking with a cane, it's too obvious...
Rubikon: and suddenly this becomes Master and Commander with the 20-foot George Clooney waves, this would have made The Old Man and the Sea exciting...
Rey: sorry, Kylo, i killed you. but i didn't mean it. here, like it never happened...
Dirg: womens are always healers...
Kylo: sorry, Rey, about that time i yanked off your necklace. that was foreplay...
Han Solo: you will always be my boi, Kylo.
Kylo: i don't know how to be good. with this face i'm gonna get beat up a lot...
Kylo throws the lightsaber in the ocean, Don-Knotts-fish recovers it...
Rey: oh BB-8! named after Basketball. i see you have a new friend. hey that's my nightlight!!!
Dirg: you mean your lampshade...
Finn: i have something to tell you...
Rey: let's cut the tension right here and now, cut right to the chase and just tell me...
Finn: okay.........we're related so we can't fuck...
Rey: but you don't like black girls, right? you like me...
Finn: um.........well, yeah...
Rey: grab my neck...
Eye Luggage, Madame Pons, and Mardith: and now the only scene that matters:
Rey: i kissed you, Kylo, but it wasn't sexual.
Kylo: not gonna lie it was kinda weird. we're not related but it seems like we're related...
Rey: it would have been better if i sacrificed myself and died to save you, would have made your redemption more tragic.
Kylo: yeah but it's cool, i've lived a full life...wait what's happening to me?...nobody dies by disappearing into thin air!...Romeo and Juliet had the best sex AFTER they died...so let's fuck.
Rey: grab my neck...
Rey on Tatooine farm: hello? old woman who are you? you're Luke's aunt aren't you! you never died! the dissertation of this film is: NO ONE REALLY EVER DIES.
old woman: i'm Joe Rogan's mother...
Rey: my name is.........Rey Rey...
Family Guy: we are NOT doing Family Guy episodes with the Rey episodes...
Meg Griffin: typical...
Dirg: LONG-ASS END-CREDITS. g'night, folks...
Chewbacca picks Dirg up by the scruff, tosses him in the air, and kicks him into space...
Tom Brady: ...AND ANOTHER THING!!! thanks pal i'll take it from here. i am a member of the Bed Bucs!!! cos we get to sleep in our own beds for the Super Bowl!!! nanny nanny foo foo! i'm gonna play the game in my pyjamas!
The Weeknd: this weekend...
Courtside Karen: i'm sorry.........that i didn't wear a mask i'm not sorry for kicking LeBron's ass...
Rachel Maddow: i like fishing...but i LURVE football...
John Lennon in the studio: we discovered the first Twitter. a bird was causing havoc with our recording. the bird nestled in Phil Spector's hair...
Dirg: at least you didn't see what Phil Spector became, John...
John Lennon: why you bugging me? bugging my phone?
J Edgar Hoover: i want those bags you have, i can wear women's dresses in the workplace by wearing those bags and no one will suspect, they'll think i'm examining evidence...
John: PCT?
Joe Piscopo on radio: not PCP, i know you're a drug aficionado...
John: percent is %. if i wanted to be a weatherman i wouldn't wear these glasses, they protect me from the rain...
Sean Lennon: i did my first album on a whim and it was a masterpiece. imagine if i wanted to be a rock star, huh? but i want to be a painter...
Yoko: the most humiliating thing i've ever had to do in my career is audition for the B-52's...
Laertus, Pons, Mardith, and Eye: we can't look at those '70s reels of a barechested John Lennon with long hair in a ponytail in the apartment pool teaching baby Sean to swim anymore, it's breaking our stopped hearts...
Yoko: why kill an artist?
everyone in both studios and the entire University grounds share a moment of silence...
John Lennon: don't worry, it's okay, now that i'm dead i can show Pat around New York City, get him situated, i know the place like the back of my hand i use to create magic, i held the guitar, not the mic. Dartmouth is all-women but i won't peek. i have a PhD, too, you know. not in musicology, it's called trillions and trillions of Beatles albums...
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