1. would you rather go on holiday to the beach with no bathers or in the mountains with no jacket?
i'm a monk, we're hardy folk, we're made of insane stock, i mean who wants to willingly go to prison? my place is up on a hill and i LOVE the cold so i've never purchased a jacket in my life. i walk around naked and have an excuse for when my penis disappears.
the one time i went to the Playboy Grotto nobody was there...talk about buzzkill...
2. would you rather not be able to eat chocolate for a year or have to eat your least favorite vegetable everyday for a month?
the thing with chocolate is one bar a day is just right, two and you start to get sick. i asked my doctor why this was the case and he said humans were never meant to eat almonds...
what's my least favorite vegetable? hmmm. brussels sprouts? nah, too easy. broccoli? but broccoli is YUMMY slathered in hot queso blanco! i dip it right there at Chipotle and get free chips cos everyone in the restaurant claps for me. i dance that is...
3. would you rather only be able to have sex for five-minute increments on any given day or only be able to have sex for five-hour increments the rest of your life?
i'd do ANYTHING to have Dustin Diamond back!!! i am so despondent right now. if it means doing a sex tape with Dustin i will do it. even a five-minute tape...
you know why it's Any Given Sunday? cos football players only have sex on Sundays...
Screech taught me EVERYTHING about life. when asked his philosophy Screech put down his fro comb and smiled subtlely. he took a drink from the fountain and said:
the sauce you can have but the secret she's mine
so i pour one out today in honor of Screech, a bottle of Frank's RedHot, i put that shit on everything, Dustin would have laughed at that...
4. would you rather not be allowed to touch your partner's genitals except with your own or have the reverse applied to them?
i asked Albert Einstein this very question on my podcast:
me: so...?
Einstein: genitals? that's not the muscle in me that's big. do you know the secret to having a sharp memory well into your 100s? only I know this secret! I discovered it!!!
me: mind sharing?...
Einstein: no i will not share till you start working out with me. not at the gym in my garden! explain how time can flow in reverse and use that arcane knowledge to grow flowers. go.
me: after a year all i grew were cucumbers...
5. would you rather go on a hike barefooted or spend the day at a waterpark fully clothed?
i don't hike in the hills, i stay indoors in the hills. the last time i hiked i ended up in the backstage of the Forest Theatre and they conscripted me to be a Shakespearean stage actor, that's how it all started for me, how my unexpected career began...
i remember in the '80s i was TERRIFIED of going to Raging Waters in San Dimas. cos i was a skinny shy terrified child who hid inside a beach towel. i missed out on so many thrilling water slides! when i became an adult we took a church field trip to Raging Waters and my priest on the bus kept nudging my stomach dying to tell me his story:
priest: i met my wife at Raging Waters. when i saw her in that fucking red bikini my jaw dropped. i dropped my churro. i dropped my churro and my churro became all wet...
BONUS: would you rather receive an alert every time your parents have sex or have your kids alerted everytime YOU have sex?
i just want my parents back.
every day after school i knew i would be safe, i knew comfort was on its way, when i saw that plate of chocolate spaghetti waiting for me on the counter...
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