Madame Pons: post to organize your thoughts so when the boy comes you'll have your resume...
Pat: this is gonna take the two of us, i can't do Batman without my Catwoman.
Galivant: i'm more like your Robin. actually i'm more like your Batman. what, note cards? flash drives? taking notes as you paint a pear? flashing?
Pat: one or both of us is gonna have to give up everything. give up their lives, drop out of school, to help prepare the other, give them noogies and pop quizzes under the sheets at night.
Galivant: readback. seeing as you don't have a job i'll keep mine thank you. I'M ALREADY IN THE QUARTERS OF THE AUSSIE OPEN!!! i was the only one who followed covid protocol! they ran out of masks cos they had to use the netting for racquet strings.
Roger Federer: ...and the net...
Takahashi: i went with Craig Robinson to the Super Bowl. the Round Table pizza there had the pepperoni right to the edge of the table of the pizza circle...
Dirg: that pizza looked like a big coronavirus...
Craig Robinson: not cool, blood...
Ex-President Bump grows a long flowing scraggly beard...
Jack Dorsey: Tom Hanks in Castaway?...
Jennette McCurdy: the iCarly revival, a show which glorified social media, social media destroyed the world.
Dirg: hey Sam, still got that nice butt?
Jennette McCurdy: yes.
Michael Weiss wearing red eye-contacts and a snapback: you can see it plain as day!!! out in the open in the comment sections of Instagram!!! blatant cheating going on in marriages!!!
Michael Weiss Coors Seltzer in his hand: Instagram is just trillions and trillions of beer-fueled drug-fueled accounts of accounts...
Carl Sagan: i was wrong, there are trillions and trillions of stars...
Chris Farley: why o why wasn't there ever a Matt Foley movie?!! i offered to write it but Spade always kept stalling. i was in the prime of my life for only a short time...
David Spade: i was in mourning...
Chris Farley: Matt Foley made it to 35, i made it to 33...
Doryce: Clouds Hill Avenue, i've been there. the sex is like a cloud...
Skins: tell us about it...
Boc: i got a limbsaw. as per the name i'll be careful...
Ray Sharkey: SNL was more like latenight porn back then...
Cotard: i went to Subiaco Abbey to pick up some Italian wine...
Laertus: there is no good reason ever to go to Arkansas...except to save Bill Clinton...
Codrus: i went to Subiaco Abbey to pick up some razorbacks for the spit roast...
Dirg: i got kicked out of Subiaco Academy for masturbating...
Codrus: i had to go to Hebrew School in a mountainous area...
Trent Reznor: if you had had a kid it would have settled you down.
Marilyn Manson: a kid? i had many.
Trent: we have to come to terms with the fact that most goths are also white trash.
Marilyn: hey the Nazi stuff wasn't real i swear, just a costume party not a real party...
Mardith: the 2021 film Pleasure, it's X-rated but not in the way that you think...
Dirg: Chloe "Gracious Tempest" Moretz goes from Tom & Jerry to porn, busy girl...
Pete Davidson: i get Palm Springs and The King of Staten Island confused...
Codrus: when it comes to video-players on the internet, always go with the can't-miss can't-fail plays-smooth-every-time already-initialized green video-player that plays all those Naruto episodes, it's immaculate...
Codrus: Monk Sauce? too easy...
Cotard: Gracious Tempest
Amy Goodman: hold on, i'll answer your question, i'll give you an autograph, but first i need to rattle off 100 names in 6 seconds...
Pink Floyd: we were pretty good in the '90s, too, tho nobody paid attention to us...
Kurt Cobain: sorry...
Doryce: do they make diet cigarettes?
Gladyce: Lucky Strike, it's toasted!
Kate Moss: cigarettes, coffee, champagne, cash straight, vodka...
Takahashi: everyone is wanting old shows to come back, right? i need Lab Rats back!!! i need Naruto back!!!
JK Rowling: it's amazing just how far the Harry Potter franchise has fallen. fallen out of favor on twitter. no one talks about it anymore.
Marilyn Manson: what goes up must come down.........to Hell...
Patrick Mahomes: i mean why the hell did i get my haircut in the first place!!? my hair is my trademark!
Michael Weiss shaving his head: Instagram, it's just a giant public-relations firm for Turkey...
Dirg: stop the steal, only we can steal. we want a 3rd Impeachment like the Star Wars films!!! what's up with Teen Titans Go tho? between addressing Flat Earth Theory directly in a kid's cartoon show to the elbow-grease cum...
TOM: always on the quest to build a better cartoon show...build back better...
Ruth Plant: TNR is NOT TRL...
cat familiars: tell us about it...
Ex-President Bump: i mean pretty soon these mass-vaccination NFL fields are gonna be turned into mass death-camps where all sort and manner of weird experimentation with needles will take place on the populace, on the people, believe me, i know.
Bruce Willis: i haven't had a date in 7 years, Demi......just sayin...i could help you with your face, let's have our date at the pharmacy...
Dirg: celeb babes in their Instagram stories telling their life whilst naked under the sheets of their beds, this is why i don't quit Instagram...
Jack Dorsey: like the Washed Out song and twitter says, "Time To Walk Away..."
Ciara Bravo: see all those co-ops on that hill? artist colonies dotting the landscape all along New York City, stretched out as the sun hits their window flush for golden hour. that's the way to go, that's the way to be, we have them in Hollywood, too.
Bump: rent-controlled? i'm looking for a place...
Joe Piscopo: ironically, that Eddie Atari Asteroids bit we did made fun treating video games as if they were sports, little could i have imagined...
Takahashi: video games not a manly-enough sport for you, Joe?...
Dirg: the Italian Maneuver, shooting as you're retreating...
Piscopo: i wanted to say Led Zeppelin but copyright...
Dirg: Ann Risley was a striking woman.........i never said i was striking her...
Mardith: sigh, just say she has nice eyes and move on...
Childish Gambino: my "Feels Like Summer" is the modern-day "Mercy Mercy Me The Ecology"...
Biden: it's a fresh start for everyone, all the businesses...
Willy: the Titans flattened the Earth...but it's still not Flat Earth...
Rubikon: i wear this Kente cloth around my neck to protect it, to honor it, to soothe it...
Dirg: that cloth scares me, the slaves want an insurrection, a revolt, they want revenge...
LeVar Burton is spotted wandering the halls of the Capitol wondering which door to enter to get funding for the Reading Rainbow reboot...
M Night Shyamalan: it's been awhile. Old is not Lost, i'm not old nor lost...
The Weeknd: ingenious, yeah? i'm not sowry. my dancers had masks on to be free AND comment on body image. can you hear me now? i want my 7 million back.
Rose Apothecary moves in next door to LUSH...
Tyrann Mathieu: Tom Brady imma knock the taste out yo mouth. like covid...
Gladyce: i've lost my taste for Abuelita and top ramen...
Laertus: okay after the Super Bowl i NEED an Edward Scissorhands sequel!
Eye Luggage: i know.
Dirg: yeah but NO WAY Chalamet plays Edward. DEPP must play Edward, i can relate to Depp...
Pat: i'm so crestfallen over Julia Ioffe i'm gonna get a tattoo of the Princeton tiger on my butt...
Dirg: fruited plain, that's the problem with America...
Laertus: you want me to go get Bruce Springsteen to come back to the one-room schoolhouse-church on campus here, shut the door behind him, look you in the eye, shake your shoulders, and straighten you out once and for all?...
at The Weather Channel:
Stephanie Abrams: come on, Jim, come on, Jim Cantore, put on that Tigger onesie and bounce around for me...
Jim Cantore: it's telling you did Baby Shark, Abrams, your clock is ticking...
Jen Carfagno: my EYES are what's dewy on my body! stop leering at me, Jim! i'll only get in your car if it's electric. drive me to the library!
Jim Cantore: i'm too old they revoked my license...
Laertus hugs Dirg around the neck:
Laertus: Dirg you're my soymate...
Takahashi hugging Dirg around the neck: Dirg you're MY soymate, a different soy...
Tom Brady: i don't care! IMA FIRIN MA LAZER! the Bucs pirate ship cannon!
Navalny: imma be a filmmaker. a petrichor Pravda poontaker. i'll nest all the dolls. imma be the Ruski Spielberg, not the Soviet Spielberg...
Serena Williams at the Aussie Open: okay Tom Brady is cute.
Tom Brady at the Super Bowl: okay Serena Williams is cute. where's Donald Duck?
Serena and Tom: happy now, media?
Roger: i watch tennis for John McEnroe now...
The Weeknd: Roger, can i borrow your red hat? it completes my outfit. i'd proudly wear 40 pounds again, i need to gain weight anyway. i'll do anything for rupees, Zelda got me through Canadian high school which we have seen on tv is brutal. it gets better.........my performance, wait till the end...
Dirg: selling crack rupees? cracked rupees?
Dirg: we don't want girl activists, we just want to fuck...
Ex-President Bump at the Aussie: i wear red cos i'm Santa...
Madame Pons dons the Mary Quant bowl-cut mod hair to make her entrance at the Aussie...
nobody notices The Weeknd at the Aussie...
Federer: you will always spot me at the Australian Open player restaurant...
Doryce: in just one month the grand reopening of The Store, the place is already a dump...
Jodie Whittaker: exact same thing happened to London...
Roger Federer: i'd like to talk to Rebecca Marino, we have a lot in common when it comes to loss and mental illness...
Rebecca Marino: i mean i'm only 30 but i feel like i'm 90...
Ana Golja: so there's never been a Degrassi film in theatres. i'm sowry about that, i'm writing it right now...
Kawhi Leonard: We The North isn't just a Canada thing, it's an America thing...
Cotard: my black female friend who's the editor of Wikipedia says speedy deletion is the ultimate tool the nerds use against the jocks, the spazzes against the cheerleaders...
Demetria Lucas: i'm the new Black Church. i'm the new Star Wars that works. the Vader black that don't crack!
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Pet Shop Boys: we're fashionably late. tragedy. we're hip, too. why the fuck wasn't our song "Opportunities" put on the Career Opportunities soundtrack!!!
Tyzik: Kylo was on that NordicTrack thing with Rey where you're shadowboxing in the Sahara Savanna...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again? oh yeah the CGI in Al Davis Vs. The NFL was WAY better than the CGI in The Rise of Skywalker...
Eye: The Last Seduction and go...
Doryce: i will forever associate The Last Seduction with Dunkin, they're both dank dark and noir. i was eating Dunkin Coffee Cereal and drinking a 128-ounce of Dunkin cold-brew in the film theatre first time i saw this, i made such a racket...
Dirg: UGH. New York City again? listen with all that smog coming out all the sewer grates in the City covering all the tall buildings with clouds, you're simply not gonna have any plein air painters coming over from the other side to share their California Impressionism, you want that, coastal kooks?
Eye Luggage: pay attention to that famous bridge, it will be symbolic later...
Laertus: this was meant to be a standard-issue throwaway lost-in-the-crowd skin-e-max flick but the script was so good it elevated the material to Zalman-King-softcore-level.
Zalman King knocks on the pod door with Joan, Dirg shoos them away...
Dirg: unless you're Larry not yet, babes...
Dirg: i mean do we really have to watch this? the only reason to watch this is to see Linda Fiorentino completely naked...
Linda Fiorentino: sorry, toots.
Eye: and without further ado, my hero and yours, help me welcome with a round of applause: Ms. Linda Fiorentino!!!
Linda: no. stop. no loud noises. i get street shotgun flashbacks.
Chris Matthews: how do you maintain that Long-Island-Lolita accent when you're from my home state of Pennsylvania?
Dirg: ho state not home state. why were you just a one-hit wonder, doll? you had SO much potential...
Linda: HOLLYWOOD SCREWED ME OVER!!! they couldn't take a gangsta moll like me giving them the riot act and willing to shoot them! i tore them a new asshole but by then it was already too late. think about this: my performance would have WON me the Oscar that year!!! my performance TOWERED above the others and the rest! the only reason i didn't get it is i got disqualified ON A TECHNICALITY. this stupid movie showed on HBO first so i couldn't be considered. it's an honor just to be nominated my skinny white ass!!! it appeared and i disappeared. i was blackballed. i was the first Cancel. i mean that tickytack-foul decision cost me my CAREER! imagine if i had won that Oscar and went on to be become Julia Roberts...
Baby Yoda: now you're just a tick below Gina Carano...
Linda: instead i dig flowers, instead i took my role in this film a little too seriously and got caught up in real-life stoolie shenanigans with pelicans and tape recorders. oh i READ THEM TO FILTH!!! but Hollywood has long forgotten about me and myself...
Laertus: okay this is bad, i will NOT like Peter Berg! even tho in this he's so damn adorable, he's a damn teddy bear.
Dirg: neo-noir. in other words, Not Quite Noir...
Laertus: yeah needs more night. and Peter Berg needs to be less innocent.
Dirg: um, is that damn jazz music going to be in the background THE WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!!!? like a bad Night Court episode. i can't take it! it's annoying!!! there's only so much sax a man can take!!!
Rubikon: *gazing at Dirg* it's called playing incidental, honky.
Dean Norris: hey if Fox Mulder can have Red Shoe Diaries i can have Breaking Bad...
Dirg: and even back then we had covid vaccine on the black market. which is all covid vaccines, unreliable. wow, dude just up and slaps the living shit outta you. whats-his-butt the Bill everyone confuses, he took your stuffing with that slap. can't get away with that anymore...
Linda: that was the fulcrum of the script, numbnuts, the point of the whole story. justified everything i did.
Dirg: ah, telemarketing BEFORE the internet. eunuch, i love that, there wasn't the word cuck yet...
Dirg: Beston? obvious dig at Boston. Mayberry values.
Laertus: i love moviemaking back then, it was ALL New York. so to show farm vs. city they don't go to another state, they simply have New York City and Buffalo as the farm!
Chewbacca slaps Dirg with a foldin table...
Tony Scott: the lovely blonde waitress in the small town with the big tits smashing pumpkins and the bum is my wife...
Peter Berg: i really am hung like a horse, i swallowed swill. i have a cute cut to my lisp mouth when i'm not angry. this opportunity on HBO led to me getting Chicago Hope...
Linda: yeah pile it on why doncha. about that: who was your wifey co-star on that show? Jayne Brook. i look EXACTLY like Jayne Brook!!! why the fuck wasn't that ME on Chicago Hope!!! i lost all hope...
John Hughes: sorry...
Dirg: ah, tracing, tracing was the thing, the big thing in crime movies at the time, always so dramatic, the phone-tracer would always get the FIRST 6 NUMBERS but never the 7TH NUMBER!!!
Eye Luggage: COMPUTER, MAGNIFY.
Dirg: remember he's black, not Black, still the '90s.
Linda: was your first wife pretty? that was a loaded question...
Eye: sigh, still the accepted transphobia. the drag queen in this was in Wong Foo, you just didn't see her...
Serena Williams: wasn't me...
Laertus: as a scriptwriter i gotta give it up to the mirror in this, used not sexually, used for wordplay and wordgames and word jumbles and mirror writing. WENDY KROY for New York City, clever.
Dirg: i'm not gonna say all women are crazy, all women are psycho, but THIS woman clearly is psycho. mind games, that's all women do. never trust a woman who offers you baked goods, women are the gateway drug to more dangerous behaviors...
Linda: if the man's a wifebeater murder is sanctioned.
Chris Matthews: they did Bill Nunn dirty here. he was more than a black cock. he was a pillar in the Pennsylvania Harlem innercity community. and a damn fine Pittsburgh Steeler. a trailblazer who didn't deserve to crash in a car cos white women have no ass.
Laertus: omg my dad remembers that scene vividly, it's a strong memory, when she's at the hospital. how was hockey?
Linda: my favorite line of mine from the film.
Dirg: wait. how did Bridget forge Trish's handwriting? after one looksee? she's that good a grift? what is this a Bubbleblabber writing sample? stay under the bed with your conniving ass, woman, not in the bed...
Laertus: yeah that's it, Peter Berg, that bar brawl is more your speed, that's what you do every night in your real life...
Linda: do all crimes with the lights off, tricks your mind out of a conscience. and saves energy for green electric cars...
Dirg: i can't see what i'm doing when i masturbate. this Peter Berg stoolie ain't got the guts to finish the job. killing is hard when it's on paper. wait you can kill someone with a whole bottle of pepper spray? i thought that was like exploding bank money with the purple paint, harmless.
Mardith: i use salt spray on you...
Dirg: and she lights up the only piece of evidence against her like a cigarette in a limo.
Linda: RAPE ME! RAPE ME! RAPE ME LIKE THE FARMBOY YOU ARE!
Kurt Cobain: sorry...
Dirg: again, not able to get away with that now...
Joan Severance: so i did the Last Seduction sequel we won't talk about. NOBODY but Linda should be in this role. i only did it cos Showtime was desperate to merge with HBO...
Dirg: why'd you do it, Tony Scott? you had a Barbie.
Tony Scott: the bridge in this inspired me to do it at Vincent Thomas Bridge, they're similar. both have that Olympic Rings of hope on their spanners...
van Gogh: thanks! i will NEVER live down my name!
Dylan Thomas: i told you to drink, Vince.
Tom Cruise: it wasn't me.........i had nothing to do with shouting at Tony Scott on set...i didn't drive him over the edge...we dedicated Top Gun 2 in Tony's memory. g'night, folks.
Galivant arrives carrying a carriage clock. one that's been rubbed out in the corner with an inscription carved into the scribbled shoulder.
Pat: oh my god this is brilliant! vintage! where'd you get this?
Galivant: look.
Pat: the autograph says IOFFE. but how do you know it's really Julia?
Galivant: i pray to goddesses. it's not as faded as you think, it's dug in there! a woman recognizes another woman's nailmarks. these have passion cut in them! ready for homework?
Pat: things aren't going well. i read Nausea and didn't get sick once...
Jean-Paul Sartre: the best thing i ever wrote. my favorite effort. everybody's first book is always the best, it's the one free from artifice. i did a Pepto-Bismol tv commercial as a tie-in with the book but it was left on the cutting-room floor cos they said my glasses had too much glare for the camera. so i declined. my partner Simone said i was too short to be a movie star, that woman really made me love Hard Truth.
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