Bono: i'm a star but i'll never be the stars. i'll never be as great as one-name SOPHIE. cos she was capitalized.
Pat: in this impossible life the only thing that will save us is love. broken love. love between two broken people.
Judge Judy: or three...
Pat: i need to do that thing where i crash a vase against a baker's kiln. and put the pieces back together as a jigsaw for heart therapy.
Takahashi: yeah but you need a Japanese vase...
Michael McKean: i did that Cigarette-Smoking Man bit so well on SNL The X-Files phoned me and asked me to come on their show for real!
Joe Piscopo: Fair Dinkum, now that's a man's sport...
Fox Mulder: Joe Piscopo is still alive?
Sandra Fluke: is Rush Limbaugh dead yet?
Death: ditto
Marilyn Manson: i respect Ozzy Osbourne, he was me before me...
Courtside Karen: okay so i had a few. i drank so much before i knew it i went from LeBron to Australia. i have no idea how i walked on the ocean. ironically i fly the Spain flag...
Nadal: your middle finger cursed me...
Takahashi drives a berlin carriage across the ocean and it turns into a Berlina sedan.
Laertus: see Dirg? the Nazis will never win.
Leslie Sbrocco: French 75...
Eye Luggage: ma'am i love you but i can't endorse war...
Madame Pons: even though this is a great date drink...
Dirg: Leslie, your tits are like howitzers...
Kornheiser: ...
Wilbon: take that porkpie hat off! who do you think you are Tone, Vince Lombardi?
Kornheiser: just an old-timey newspaper man named Tony...i want my own CGI...
Charles Rocket: come on you can't deny. America wanted more Rocket Report.
Kate Courtney: i majored in mountainbiking. without me there would be no Logger Mud Mountain Haulers...
Bruce Springsteen: so one measly DWI is gonna prevent the United States of America from coming together...
Tina Craig: enough is enough!!! i know Daniel Dae Kim. and he knows me don't tell his wife. we rich but we ain't crazy. i have the power to stop the Lost reboot, Joss Whedon!
Joss Whedon: this is why i created the Whedonverse, it's a nifty little pocket universe for me to slip inside of and hide when the heat on me gets too hot, i can lay low in there for a while...
WandaVision: JOSS WHEDON COPIED US!!! Disney is suing your ass! we just got that now: Wanda + Vision = wandavision...
Buffy: time to break out my stake out. time to get my stake back out again. wow, this thing is dirty and dull-edged...
Pence to LeVar Burton: look, after my life flashed before my eyes, i want to change. i want my green leaf to turn brown. i'll fund your Reading Rainbow reboot but it must be renamed Bleeding Rainbow...
Joe Piscopo: what is it with people who were on SNL thinking they are now qualified to run for public office?...
Gary Kroeger: ...
Gary Kroeger: SNL was better when they had jugglers...
crones: this is why we never became nuns, we were already taking correspondence courses before covid...
Christine Ebersole: i had it rough. nobody believed me when i said MY Ebersole had an extra e, no nepotism involved. i wish they went back to having 2 skits connected to each other, an Act I and an Act II of a play...
Brian Doyle-Murray: i am NOT Ed Asner. the linoleum knife is not meant to be Soviet...
Yoko Ono: SNL was better when they had Andy Warhol...
John Patrick Shanley: i should have written SNL skits back in the day, i'm good at writing plays...
Stanley Tucci: not Shanley Tucci. i created a cocktail that broke the internet. it also broke my hair...
Dirg: negroni, not racist...
Martin Yan: gave you a perm...men can get perms, not a gay thing...
Katie Thurston: i'm not thirsty. i don't hide behind my family's old money buried on Gilligan's Island...
Matt James: the fuck-a-ghost thing?
Katie: meant nothing by it. i'm a hippie chick, i'm cool. sorry if i still use a beeper, not many calls in the woods...
the crones befriend Albertus Seba and his cabinet of curiosities.
crones: well actually we befriended the talking lizard, Kevin "Kline" Lizard...a kind lizard...
Albertus Seba: not the guy from Harry Potter, i deal in REAL dragons...
Johnny Depp: whaddaya say, Madonna. i don't have anything else going on, nothing going for me.
Madonna: you got a thing for blondes, huh
Dirg: yeah but you guys have a twitter mob...
Gina Carano: Norman Jewison, he was my best friend, he was a fine bounty hunter...
Martin Yan: i'm not afraid of dying. no but i'm the only human on planet earth who ACTUALLY means that...
Jamie Raskin: don't make fun of my hair i was a monk before...
Madame Pons: one of my girls gets way too many food deliveries to her house, that's dangerous for a single girl...
Doryce: the bathroom after Mardith showers, how to clear all that steam. either turn up the heat in the Treehouse...
Gladyce: ...or the cold. open a window in the Treehouse and let the rain-cold air in to evaporate the fog. how magical!
Dirg: i look at Mardith's mirror to tell...
cat familiars: the Treehouse was better when the heat was a fire...
Lauren Holt: SNL's Weekend Update is just (jost) a space for the cast members to air out their grievances about their love lives and dating lives...
Jodie Whittaker: let me be on the SNL cast, you've done this before...
Doryce, staring at her cereal: my FOOD is now caffeine!!!
Kenyatta: Wikipedia is creepy, take it from me. our editors are nice but they get access to a person's life and get to make judgments in secret over this soul and this life in the backpages...
Atalan: just woke up, what'd i miss?...
Cotard: still doing PR for Aquaman i see
Eye Luggage: that Super Bowl commercial just reinforces the fact for all time that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton WILL ALWAYS BE WEIRD.
Michael Weiss on a party boat: Instagram, it's just weird. i mean you see people's private uncensored unfettered unprocessed rantings they wouldn't show their mother...
Gladyce: is it good luck or bad luck to let in a butterfly?
Teen Titans Go: yep, we copied the Titan move in our Raven Sinister-16 birthday-episode. our 2 studios are right next door to each other...
Madame Pons: Zuru Smashers, Dino Ice Age Surprise, also known as our line of LUSH bath bombs for kids...
Dirg: Folkmoot, North Carolina was medieval first...
Roger Federer: everything's a sport, tennis and impeachment...
Dan Levy: unlike the former President, i left a note...
Julie Oliver Gentry: i was America's first country-bumpkin sweetheart...
Dirg: the only article AV Club will let me write is where are all the video-game romantic rejections?...
Dennis: we at the AV Club hereby christen you an expert...
Kathryn Newton at Pebble Beach: if the other timeline held---the Notre Dame-Crespi one not the Notre Dame-Palma one---i would be married to Pat right now...
Willy: my phone's been ringing off the hook from George RR Martin to do an Attack on Titan live-action...
Rege-Jean Page: book it, i'm gonna be the next Samuel L Jackson...
Doryce: i can't hear!!!'
Gladyce: that's why i chew gum.
Dirg: Valsalva?
Mardith: not vulva.
Madame Pons: come on down to LUSH we specialize in ear candles!!!
Dirg: ear candling only works if you're naked...
Bruce Chandling: i wish my name was Candless on this Valentine's Day...
Cecily Strong: i use animals on SNL, too, dogs, not monkeys...
Andre Agassi: i live, i live immortally. i am the reincarnation of Marco Pantani...
Florence Given: i'm trying to bring yellow back. yes i like the '70s. no i'm not Ke$ha...
cat familiars: we don't want kisses, we want water!!!
Eye Luggage: it's subtle but notice how there's a male interviewer for the female Chipotle cooks for the commercials but not the male ones...
Cecily Strong: we had our own Teen-Titans-Go elbow-cum sketch...
Madame Pons: sorry but all this Self-Love shit is garbage. it's HARD to be alone.
Mardith: preach sister. be the cherry on top not the cake, babes.
Bubbleblabber: we do op-eds.........for some reason......op-eds no one reads...
Dirg: i'm worried, everyone on Instagram is recognizing Chinese New Year as the REAL New Year around the world...
Michael Weiss in a white fencer's mask: Instagram is like the Fire Force Collective...
Michael Weiss carrying a ballpeen mallet hammer: what is facebook? what doth facebook? they treat us like monkeys always up for the next game to solve in the next post, the next prompt to respond to like a salivating pooch. they're trying to get us all in relationships...
Susan Saint James: i met my husband on SNL. Ebersol, no e. he was a dick in 2002 but we reconciled after that summer. it would have been a bad look if the divorce finalized the same year as the plane accident...
Dirg: Monica McNutt makes me nut.........hey i'd join the Alphabet Mafia, that's a cool name......when a Christian hiphop star looks like Chester Bennington...
Roger Federer: maybe i should try zoloft...we don't have Swiss pie so i stuck my junk in an American pie...
Judith Leiber: how i went on a diet from burgers...
Jillian Clare: i know it's hard. i know it's a sacrifice but you gotta lay off the fast food till 15-bucks-an-hour.
Mardith: you teach me so much each day...
Tyzik: The Tom & Jerry Movie, the closest thing we're ever gonna get to Who Framed Roger Rabbit II...
Brad Gilbert: but......Pegula Hoop...Jessie's Girl...these were GOOD!...
Michael Weiss using the ipad from 2001: A Space Odyssey: i have this fetish where i like to connect people through Instagram. i try to match up disparate random completely different people with Instagram to see if i can spark a strange friendship...
Raf Simons: the '80s War on Drugs made me NOT like Morrissey...
Dirg: only Cthulhu can save Christmas now!
Cecily Strong: it's impossible to HATE a fellow SNL castmember, you have to hug this person at the Goodnights!!! you can't fake that hug!!!
Princess Latifa: i gotta get the hell outta here!!! i need to become The Equalizer...
Mary Robinson: how are you enjoying your cold cuts, dear?...
Princess Latifa: i had to become a Jedi to have a baby!!!
Djokovic: fall? The Fall is what makes my career so snakebitten, me more than all humans since the Garden of Eden. with me it was from jump, i was always looking up at Nadal's and Roger's butts. is it Fall in Australia now? torn? yea like that hit single from your precious Australian soap-opera diva, you and your country's raven-haired sheilas...
Ellen Kushner: i wrote Bear Grylls's life story...
Mardith on her Instagram: let's see who loves me...
Kavita Patel: i'm hot, i should be on G.L.O.W....
Michael Weiss wearing a big pink bunny suit: Instagram is a safe space for people to show their deranged side...
Ted Cruz: i just want to be liked...that's why i like President Bump...
Joe Piscopo: okay so maybe i am cursed. i mention Jessica Savitch in the sketch and she drowns. but in fairness that was Andy Rooney...
Ruth Mora: i'm the reincarnation of Elvira...
Celeste Mountjoy: sometimes you feel like a nut...
Deborah Solomon: i'm fair. a fair critic. you don't have to like me. but don't destroy me on Wikipedia just because you can't handle me giving you a bad review. stop sending me hairspray in the mail. i'll give you an art entity if you do...
Dirg: that's worse than an STD
Kimberly Goss: guess my ethnicity. see? it doesn't matter. the only thing that matters is we never got divorced, it's harder to sign those papers than people think.
Alexi Laiho: harder to let go...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Dirg: smug smog. that hired killer was too wack to whack.
Harry Anderson: that bridge up there looks familiar. meow. i've flipped cards under that same moon, done card tricks by a trashcan fireplace outside in the snow, but that was back when SNL was good...
Jean-Paul Sartre: they were trying to turn me into Orson Welles! with snowpeas found only in France!
Eye: Moonstruck and go...
Dirg: i didn't strike her...
Spalding Gray: now you see how the other half lives. now you see me from the other side. remember? this was the film i was viewing in the theatre for my monologue. i look like Shanley. i'm better-looking than Shanley...
John Patrick Shanley: everyone says i look like a priest...
Codrus and Cotard: you do! you're hot!
Dirg: New York City AGAIN!!!???
Laertus: this script is a slow burn, at first i saw it as ordinary. but the more it sat with me after it ended and i pondered the moon in the night sky as i thought about it, the more it stayed with me. the words fall into place, they're clever, the connections and callbacks, it all makes sense. good job, Shanley.
Mrs. Roper: good job, Stanley.
Stanley Roper: that's not a cum splooge on our title card...
Eye Luggage: we can all agree that this film wouldn't be THIS film without Cher's sterling performance. she lifts this script to the moon! she is just in control of all her powers here. she is young, light, and charismatic!
Laertus: she needed the WAY OTHER WAY, something fluffy and funny after the dour tragedy of Mask...
Dirg: poor Kim Novak...
Mardith: i love Kim Novak's salt-mandala paintings...
Martin Yan: i liked Cher's hair better permed...she looks better bald...
Takahashi: remember, this is about an Italian family, but all Italian families represent EVERY family especially Japanese families...
Rubikon: and black families, ironically. in the rush i forgot that Rush met an operatic end. he died in that balcony in the Capitol. i understand everything they were saying up there on that stage in the opera, Italian opera comes from rap...
Dirg: it's all Latin to me...
Laertus: it's tricky, see. Nic Cage seems like a mook with no education who can only make pizza in a doughy-stone kiln but he's got feelings, the deep feelings of a Shakespearean scholar, a mean-mugged monologuist, and he LOVES opera! i mean what man you know these days who likes opera?
Joe Pera, raising his hand: it's in my name...
Bugs Bunny raising his hand: Bugs Beta.
Eye: okay i know it's cheating and i know it's brothers but i don't blame Cher one bit. Nic Cage is looking nice and crisp and young and HOT in that white T-shirt! those muscles ain't pepperoni!
Dirg: and suddenly i'm hungry for pizza.........the song not Nic...
Cher: I'M FREEZING TO DEATH!!! AND I'M NOT IN TEXAS!!!
Eye: i fainted when Nic says GET IN MY BED!!!
Pat: it's the Phoenix tattoo on his back!!!
Spalding Gray: Nic's right when he says the only love that matters in this world is broken love...i know that bridge...
Tony Scott: me, too...
Eye: i mean Cher has a choice between Nic Cage and putrid Danny Aiello. Danny Aiello makes me physically ill, he makes my vagina vomit, it's an arid aioli desert in there in my vagina when i think of him, he's less sexy than Gilbert Gottfried.
Gilbert Gottfried: i shoulda been in Fried Green Tomatoes...
Danny Aiello: hey! gooblygaloosh! watch that mouf! keep talking smack about me and i'll send the feds to whack a woman. yous the woman. i don't respect a man who can't control his woman.
Eye: why is it old John Mahoney couldn't keep his young college freshman-freshfaced female girl-babe students? they never became his girlfriends or wives after their flings. the only thing he got flung was water in his face!!!
Pat: because he wasn't a Princeton professor. he was an NYU professor. of history. his history. he's history. it would have worked if he had been a Dartmouth professor...
Eye: i would punch you right in the kisser, Danny Aiello! i'd take all the truffle aioli for myself! but you had to wear that ash cross on your forehead TODAY of all days!!! that's your shield, you're hiding behind religion!!!
Anita Gillette: i got this after doing Season 6 of SNL...after SNL promised me they were gonna do a sitcom based on Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice...i didn't have to shave or nuttin'...
crones: we played the part of Gina DeAngeles...
Dirg: the old biddy with the huge jugs?
Kramer: i played Cher's father. not all Italians are racist towards blacks...
Laertus: please, Cher! as a bookkeeper save the used bodega bookstores!
Dirg: got hit by a bus? sure. it's the same story as Alice from the Diner...
Pat: dying mothers aren't funny, they're our only connection to this world.
Olympia Dukakis: you're getting married? do you love him? no? good.
Dirg: the weird wooden hand tho. it just doesn't fit with the rest of the script. it's supposed to be funny but i find it sad. like they were going for something dramatic with the hand like an aborted Pinocchio or futuristic but Ghost In The Shell and The Piano were still in their infancy...
Cher: hi, guys. the famous slap scene. the script called for ONE slap but i slapped him twice, that was my on-the-spot improv. and what won me the Oscar. i kept seeing Sonny Bono's face in Nic Cage's face...
cat familiars: see those dogs! how messy how uncouth! how untrained, running around the linoleum halls of the house without a leash, barking at the moon like they can produce music, neanderthal music of howls! we sing for catchy cat jingles. we cats have a refined sense of ourselves in the pitched universe, we see the moon as a source of milk...
Cher: you're a wolf.
Nic Cage: it's the hair, right? i look like a werewolf.
Cher: no, you dance like Michael Jackson in bed...that line meant something different in the '80s...
Cotard: lone wolves are sexy.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: ah yes, the moon that gets brighter the more you look at it. can't see the pigeons anymore. it's not cos your love is growing brighter, it's the observer effect. the thing is, that moon is hurtling toward Earth at great breakneck speed and will cause a supernova within seconds...
Cotard: i played the priest in the confessional booth! see how hip i am! i was drinking during that scene...
Codrus: from a hip flask. sacramental wine so it was okay.
Cotard: no, vodka. model special.
Rudy G: La Boheme is about a baseball player who joins the Mets...
Eye: you wouldn't know the first thing about being a bohemian!!! stop being a rapper!
Cher: that opera was great, just like a soap opera. i stepped on Rivers Cuomo's head in the balcony...
Rivers Cuomo: i went immediately to a nursing home...
Olympia Dukakis: whaddaya say? you do Say Anything and i'll do Steel Magnolias...
John Mahoney: and we'll rule the '80s...
Mardith: i would have liked to have seen Olympia Dukakis fuck John Mahoney in this Olympic year, i think that would have been cute. she could have done the Italian maneuver on him, cumming as he retreats...
Dirg: is that like an ice-cream swirlie?
Laertus: the soul of this film:
why do men chase women?
Dirg: they fear death, Death the Family Guy character, voiced by Adam Carolla so he gets the babes.
why do women chase men?
they don't, women hold all the cards. men go after young chickadees cos if they can still bag one they preserve their worth to this world, prove they matter, they deserve to still live, it proves their virility, their energy, their influence, their lifeforce. otherwise hey can only look forward to death, or worse, staidity. thus if you look at it from this side marriage to men is useless, it's a cage...
Nic nods.
Carrie Fisher: not a trap...
Fuerza: someone tell a joke.........don't say "God"...
Olympia: my husband BETTER not leave me! i'm the glue that holds the world together!!! flip that table if you're gonna pound it like that! pound ME like that! be a man! be a wrestler and strike ME! we don't wrestle in the bedroom like that no more. it's the food we eat. from now on no more Olive Garden! no more playing Mario to all your Peaches around town! there is no such thing as gold pipes, that's a video-game invention! copper should be in Olympic medals! your pipes burst cos you were that cold to me! how could you be so unfeeling! i make the BEST breakfast, runny eggs in the middle of a donut, i invented that!
Dirg: the old man wasn't like a Father Ted old man, disappointed.
Cher: the money? of course i stole the money, look at my hair...
Eye Luggage: i would have thrown that ring right into Danny Aiello's throat!!! like a Mets pitcher. g'night, folks...
Galivant visits Pat at college. she's gonna fix him a hot meal. first she goes to the salon to makeup her bodega bellybutton and shave her head for the Australian Open heat. she places a steak over her vagina to cool it. the same steak for their dinner for two, dinner por duo. she eats all the moon cookies she prepares in her Easy Bake baker-donut-kiln oven. one last thing, the resistance piece, she fires a vase in her homemade kiln---her vagina---and presents it to Pat as a gift.
Pat: i LOVE this vase! it's broken and everything, i can see the creases of the pieces.
Galivant: but not the seams in my acting...
Pat: but where are the flowers?
Galivant: i threw them out. i threw the water. leaving only the glue i used to glue back the broken pieces. except i didn't use glue on the vase. i used all the glue by putting it all in my hair...
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