PARKER CAN'T LOSE

notes:

* you know i just realized this now. i get asked the eternal question, as does everyone in Encino and Edmonton: what celebrity do you look like? for years i've been going with Drake BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!? i really do look like Eric Andre! need the haystack hair but i'm right there.

* Parker: so how's the new job going? have people warmed up to the new Jake?

Jake: um, yeah...i mean not really...i don't read the comments anymore...

Parker: i do. people warmed up to me instantly and i'm new.

Jake: yeah we all know why...…...it's your jeans, i need those jeans...

* Jake: you know you're in trouble when a girl brings a bag that's bigger than her.

Parker: like my car? i bought the car AFTER i bought the bag to match...

Jake: when you said we'd be platonic roommates i didn't know know you meant you'd park that car in the middle of my living room.

Parker: hence my name.

* Jake: are you an actor?

Parker: fourth wall, dude.

Jake: no it's just you do that thing where you point with both hands clasped touching fingers in a triangle like everyone in Hollywood does...

* Jake: pepperoni pockets, is that code for sex?

Parker: no. they're pizzas with pockets on the side so you don't miss any drop of grease.

Jake: atomic brownie, code for sex?

Parker: that's Trump's gift to the Japanese PM this coming Christmas party at the White House...

Jake: cuckoo crustees? is that code for sex?

Parker: that's fried bird. figured cos you're the bird guy...

* Jake: you're supposed to be my live-in girlfriend and THIS is the art you contribute to the place!?

Parker: what? those are my subway routes. 

Jake: no wonder it never gets delivered on time!

* Jake: you know i could just order Papa Chano's from GrubHub.

Parker: now THAT is code for sex.

* i watered my lawn for the first time in ages. felt so sorry for that pile of dirt in the middle of summer. is it a good sign when your plants shake your hand? trying to screw on the nozzle i now know how a drinking dog feels. are you supposed to take headache medicine everyday? i helped my mom with her velcro shoulder strap. all i'm saying is just make everything doublesided velcro...

* who's Joe's VP gonna be? let's make a deal: Oprah gives Trump her old show and...

* the hurricane: is it a thing or is it not a thing? these are the questions on the Florida schools entrance exam. whatever the answer, the school this question is answered in will be open...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: following along with the burger theme, it's gonna be McDonalds again. why? see i've never done that thing where you take the beige paper Big Mac box, leave the burger in one side, bend the lid over, put the fries in the lid. i've never eaten two-way like that in all my years of existence on this flying rock.

SAX, PLAY US OUT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU SON OF A BITCH

Gladyce: 3 minutes on high for the Stouffer's, THREE minutes...

Mardith: Naked Athena! finally revealed! 

Madame Pons: see? she's a beautiful brave sex worker. helping her fellow man. with woman. helping her greater Portland community...

Dirg: ohhhhhhh, so THAT's why Portland is always so chill...

Laertus: they could never touch my Eye! she'd just bat back those rubber bullets with her hammer!

Pons: i could never compete. 

Mardith: aw don't feel sore, you're never too old for sex.

Dr. Vacc: too right. that's the number-one complaint from my patients lately.

Mardith takes out her chastity cage from her Catholic-schoolgirl plaid green dress pocket.

Dirg: oh god that is ghastly. THIS is what women's lib has wrought! unseemly! a fucking chastity belt for cocks!!!

Madame Pons is overcome wth embarrassment, showing beet-red on her cheeks.

Madame Pons: oh my i think i'm getting the blushing vapors! i guess i'm older than i thought i was! IS THAT METAL!!!?

Eye Luggage: *making the metal-music devil's-horns with her fingers* damn straight it's metal!

Pons: YOU GAVE THIS TO HER!!!

Vacc: *making the Neil deGrasse Tyson hands* no it wasn't me, i swear! i'm one of the few unique members of society who won't lie to you during this critical time. in fact i was gonna play psychologist without a degree and offer that it's not so much sex my patients seek but companionship from the two-year touchless loneliness...

Laertus: not all touchless is good. 

Vacc: how's it going with you and your special secret fellow?

Mardith: still haven't cultivated, culled, and curated the perfect words for him.

Vacc: *striking his stroked chin* how about...instead of i want to fuck you...just say to him: 

i want you

Mardith: simple. yet severe! you're a genius, doctor! oh god that sounds so Companiony, i'm trying to avoid that in my life.

Vacc: glad to help. never thought i'd have such a conversation with a girl in my life...…...never trained to be a pediatrician...

Gladyce: here you go dear, the eyebright you summoned for. forgot if it was for your practice or you wanted practice. word of caution: side effects: loss of hearing...

Vacc: what? joke. hair in my ears. don't worry, i'll be Mister Rogers with a blind girl over fish...

Vacc hands the crones a silver brasier full of water...

Vacc: it's a portable fireplace on legs!!!

Dirg: i thought you were black. on account of all the fist emojis you use on your Instagram. 

Boc: no, i just really believe in the cause...

Dirg: good, Demi Lovato, phew, it was just a phase...

Vacc: and the Naked Neck transylvanian chickens you ordered...

Doryce: thank you, dear, put them by the apples. watch out, that first feather in your mouth is a doozy! i'll keep them company. all the KFCs have closed...

Vacc: WHAT!!?

Doryce: no, they're gonna be our new familiars. pets, since we can't go out anymore. i wanted Javanese bantams but these'll do.

Dirg: i'll never forgive Bantam Books in NYC, they rejected my first draft, said it was too sexy...

Pat: AFFOGATO FOR THE HOUSE!!!

gato familiars: nice.

the cat familiars enter the Obec Animal Dermatology office hidden in a treehouse in the woods...through the front door...

Ghislaine Maxwell arrives inside a taped-up beige Wayfair box on the surface of Mars...

President Bump: this country, it's too divided. i mean everywhere you look it's Red States vs. Yellow States.

Bump gets the vaccine live on-air from the Ovaltine Office. a witch priestess not affiliated with the crones or the Old Country punctures him with the stick, right in the vein. 

Bump: miracle drug.

Bump on his way over there saw a big pile of his dirty dingy brown laundry on his lawmaking desk with the lawnmower in back. when he returns after the shot all the laundry is white...   

Doryce: how are you liking this week's candy, dear?

Gladyce: lovely form my lovely. but a bit weird. not as tender as last week. it's, like, gummi worms? but they're crunchy on the inside. strange. they don't taste like you should be eating them. sucking them maybe...

Gladyce: The Store tricked me this week. i was all set to get the Wishbone Italian dressing for my saladless salad, then at the last minute i saw that Herb dressing and got that instead...

Dirg: preach, sista, i know how that be.

Doryce: i thought i craved the spotlight. but it's different when you fall in the middle of the street and EVERY citizen in Obec gets off their bikes and cars and races to the scene looking at me with their beady little eyes as if I caused you to be convalescent. they brandish their thumbs-ups and wait for me to thumbs-up that they can't see or they won't leave...when did our place grow a conscience and a pair?, i thought it was all about staying away...

Gladyce: you gotta wash your hands with soap...then you gotta wash your washed hands with gel cos you washed your hands so much they and you cracked...

Dirg: Los Banos sounds like bathroom...

Cotard: why, Five Guys? why the small cups with the overflowing fries?...

Laertus: THANK YOU, Yahoo News. finally! please NEVER go back to comments again! perusing and browsing a much more quieter place now, a more pleasant experience. here's to a more peaceful more silent world...

Cotard: i love it...

Doryce: every time we go out, you and me, G, to a Mexican restaurant i finish the entire two bowls of overflowing tortilla chips and overflowing green-with-orange-flecks salsa and am full by the time the first steaming platter is served!...

Dirg: i'm trash. nobody on Instagram has sent me a drawing of me by them...

Madeline Brandt: which way to the Orchid Girls?...

Dirg: oh, down the stairs, up the stairs, down the hallway, up the hallway, till you reach a corner you can never come back from...

Madeline: as i unlearn i plan to do a lot of crawling...but never any groveling...

Laertus: me, too, baby steps.

Eye: atta girl, you're more than a brand.

unnamed black woman: RENT'S DUE, GUYS!!! HEY YOU GUYS!!!

Germane: don't worry, i accept Pepcoin. it's like bitcoin, right?

Doryce: did you get the fire snails i sent you for, boy?

Dirg: YOU TOLD ME TO EAT THEM!!!

Dirg: and no more of those "let's collab" comments on Instagram, we all know what that is!...

Dirg: i haven't made it till i have one of those huge stone walk-in showers with the rainfall showerhead and the pictures on all four walls of Frank Sinatra Through The Years hung on the tile...

Gladyce: oh bother! what's the point of drinking healthy smoothies if you have to baking-soda your stained teeth for it?

Cotard: i should try out for that History Channel show Alone and win a million dollars!!!...…...for the Church of course...

Gladyce: dear have you checked our bathroom counter? it's full of all manner of brown rub marks.

Doryce: i'm too lazy to clean it this week, dear. besides, those rub stains add character to the piece. blame it on the covidcane. imma die-easy germaphobe. 

Pons: i'm a mess.and i'm messy. take me or leave me...but i'm the one paying the Treehouse deed...

Laertus: OMG that Ricardo from the Amazon commercial is totes adorbs! the sign-languager. he signs so hard you can feel the words coming out of his fingers like electric strings! they have more of an impact than if he spoke them. 

Dirg: Amazon invented ball lightning but we won't get into that this week...

Laertus: the Budweiser can crown-shaped tab, bril!

Eye: i mean you gotta give it up for Joe Namath, that was a LOOOOOONGGGGG speech for that insurance he spouted off, and Ol' Joe wasn't spitefully looking at a teleprompter, that was by rote memory, that's pretty good, Joe, he didn't struggle. he should be an actor!

Dirg: yeah that was quite the performance he gave out there on that field, what an overexaggerated death scene on that leg bit of his.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i'm assuming everybody here round this table had their first girlfriend at sixth grade?...

Eye raises her hand. 

Tyzik: the more i think about it...An Unmarried Woman...i mean what exactly did this dude do? the husband just...on a whim leaves his happy life for a chance encounter that, surprise, doesn't work out...he honestly thought he had found love elsewhere...wasn't even close...lives destroyed for nothing...…...pardon my out-there face......oh sorry, uh, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard...

Dirg: SEE? all women crave the drama!

Eye: either way Amber wins, we have to start taking her seriously as an actress...

Laertus: but i mean she did not fake those abuse photos.

Dirg: good makeup job, it's Hollywood, man, you're right in the thick of it!

Tyzik: Mike Tyson Mysteries is over. and i know why. Mike Tyson decided to box again...what the fuck is he thinking? you coulda been in a cushy soundproof booth the rest of your life, Mike!...

Rubikon: freedom is the ability to wrestle a shark in open waters...…...shark here being a metaphor for one's demons...

Tyzik: 12 Oz Mouse...

Laertus: 12 Oz Mouse surrealist storytelling, the best storytelling...

Eye: 12 Oz Mouse is my muse.

Tyzik: kickass rad theme end song. i honestly thought the first week it was Mary Spender on vocals. but it's Amaranthe. the end song sounds exactly like the Offspring's "Bad Habit", anybody else?...

Eye: Vanilla Sky and go...

Dirg: otherwise known as a meditation on Scientology, i mean you can't escape it when Tom's involved.

Laertus: yeah and you know i just realized now why Jason Lee is in this. no coincidence, those two are buddybuddies. i'm sure those two have sat next to each other in the pew on a nice sunny Scientology Sunday service.

Dirg: that cult is scary. they're blond lizards who eat three-meat pizza. save the children!

Eye: i never got the secrecy. there are already countless books out in the world explaining how sucky the religion is, just like any other religion, Catholicism to single out. no matter what library you worship in, we're all underneath the same piece of blue sky. why not let everything out in the open, let it all be audited, they'd be a more badass cult if they showed themselves. sorry, i fawn over cults, always wanted to be in a gnostic hermitage. what's with the internal mafia stuff and the outcasting of people as suppressives? suppressive people?, that's just what the world is, man! GO GOTH WITH IT, SCIENTOLOGY!!! let it all hang out, baby!

Laertus: think of Scientology like......the Coke formula...

Dirg: suppressive leads to depressive, and before you know it you need to take suppositories like me. wait, what's the vanilla tho? is that Monet painting vanilla? i mean kinda. i know what's vanilla, the inside roof of the Scientology building!

Dirg: i swallowed your cum, that means something! greatest line in cinematic history.

Eye: nah, it's when Cameron Crowe directs Steven Spielberg to say happy birthday, you son of a bitch. so many levels to that, i mean imagine the energy on set that day. Cameron always has that feather in his cap, he can always say HE wore the director cone that day while Spielberg didn't. 

Laertus: was disappointed. i thought this was an original script from Cameron, that would have been something! learned later it was an adaptation of a Spanish film. 

Dirg: and let's face it, without the Spanish film Penelope Cruz wouldn't have been in either! this was her big break, right? i get it, she's hot, but i can't understand a WORD she says! i mean her mouth is kinda weird...fishy, but she does NOT look like a moth!

Eye: Cameron Diaz with the rave reviews for her performance as a sexcrazed loony. gotta empower women as best you can in every age.

Dirg: that crazy cravey performance was all fueled by martinis. sad martinis. what became of rock n roll? a smashed guitar under glass, boy if only the girl knew. now we have buttons and cake...

Laertus: love the old movie posters. Breathless...starring Kristen Stewart. this is NOT a film for someone with a fear of heights! open your eyes, remember that, it'll come back later. 

Dirg: that mask tho. Tom looks like Phantom of the Opera's Michael Myers of the CW teen set. is it wrong to say i found Tom Cruise more handsome WITH the mask? and overacting hammily as he do. Tom, we get it, MASK! give this man a couch. i STILL say Kurt Russell is the best actor in this.

Eye: he doesn't get enough credit, ever since he did that Soldier thing where he had no lines so people think he can't act.

Laertus: all honesty, this thing stumbles the first 30 minutes or so, the writing and line-delivery is not crisp. but it hammers you over the head with the sci-fi stuff in the end so it's worth the wait. 

Dirg: whenever someone begins a conversation with do you believe in God?, run. or jump out.

Laertus: this is a fitting tribute to 9/11. remember, this opened JUST at the 9/11 times, so that scene in the beginning with a completely cleared-out abandoned soulless Times Square was especially poignant. of course NOW it means something different...

Dirg: the playboy lifestyle is dead, Clooney got married. and there's that British guy with the Dutch barge! Seven Dwarves cos it's owned by Disney, like Tom Cruise and Scientology are...

Laertus: L Ron was a great singer, i have all his Stairway to Rainbow albums. legend has it he audited Sterling Holloway himself who had dyslexia. imagine we almost lost that glorious voice! the real Scientology Cave is buried in the Disneyland desert, the seven dwarves are Xenu's fingers. 

Jada: Freud wrote Dianetics first, but like Dr. Seuss, they thought it was children's coloring book...

Michael Stipe: you mean Dr. Zeus. i still can't understand math...

Dirg: you'll never know the exquisite pain of being the bro who goes home alone. and eats out of two paint cans. a guileless New Yorker? that's FAKE NEWS!!!

Laertus: that club scene brought with it bad memories for me. it's effective that wearing of the mask behind your head so it looks like your face is in back of you. that's what humans will evolve into.

Dirg: but what happens to the face in front of your face? 

Laertus: no, two heads. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO POOR TOM CRUISE?!!

Dirg: he's fucking two girls hard at the same time, the lucky bastard! tits, the first maps. 

Eye: Tech Support, Noah Taylor? that ain't no Noah Taylor, that's NICK CAVE!!!

Dirg: tech support, that's what all Apple Geniuses are...

Laertus: Conan O'Brien was JAZZED to be in this...till they told him he'd just be doing his usual show segment. was it ever explained who Ellie was?

Dirg: damn, Johnny Galecki used to be cool. Tommy Lee? sorry, dude, nobody faps to Pammy anymore, everyone's first fap was to that Jenny McCarthy TV Guide...  

Laertus: kind of a messy explanation pulling everyone out like that, but lucid dreams are messy. YES, Kurt Russell, YOU ARE REAL. 

Kierkegaard: do it, David, jump off that bridge.

Eye: scary impossible choice, but such is life. would you rather be in a Heaven where you would have no idea it wasn't real?, the perfect seamless fake virtual-reality blissed-out utopia. or would you always want to know if it were real even if real was nothingness?

Takahashi: VR ain't all it's cracked up to be...

Dirg: i know i'm real. i'm real cos my fucking problems are real...

Laertus: it only takes one second to rearrange your life. one second to commit to changing your life...

Madame Pons: no matter how old you are?

Laertus: we're all looking at you, Dirg...

cat familiars: why would anyone want to be Penelope Cruz when they could be a cat? we see things she can't. like Cheetos dust. like the dangers of Scientology. plus, our afterlife starts the moment we're born...

cat familiars: we already saw it: the two Camerons, Diaz and Crowe. the two Cruzes, Penelope and Tom. we see the connection in all things. g'night, folks...

Eye Luggage: when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise even if you do not.

Eye Luggage looks at Laertus, Laertus looks at Eye Luggage.

Germane in his room: it's working, they're helping themselves now, they don't need me anymore...

TMIT: MAUCERI

picture it: Hollywood Bowl, 1985. the night air smells of fresh smog. the conductor steps out on stage to a green spotlight and rapt applause. cos all the adults in the audience know who he is but the kids have no fucking clue. the women especially start to giggle under their scarves. his tails are just a little too long and wobbly and soon he is in danger of tripping over himself. the rabid polite crowd gasps in horror. 

but of course it's all an act. Mauceri flashes that million-dollar smile of his and all is well in dank PBS storage rooms across the country which keep the classical-music collection on vinyl. he is Mauceri after all. he is Mauceri. the famous Mauceri. famous maus mouse Mauceri. he brandishes his baton from his pocket...…...and let's face it, his cock is WAY bigger than that baton...

before the imminent commencement of the shenanigans of the Mountain King, Mauceri gives a nod to Bugs and pretends to eat a carrot made of air. that's no baton, folks, that's his dick! he explains the correct pronunciation of his unusual name:

Mauceri: very simple mind-picture. mouse. mau. when you see a mouse you immediately get up on a chair. cer. and you scream eeeeeee! i. Mou-chair-eee

for some reason men took to that speech more than women. i'll never forget sitting in the middle grassy row hearing that speech through the loudspeakers as a little boy. it forever changed me. it made me fearful of Splinter. from then on i always thought Splinter was secretly a bad guy who would crawl under my sheets at night and make me learn karate against my will by forcing me to chop my baby-chair into wood.

1. he ___inside me repeatedly

looked for the map

2. what excited me most was ___ and ___

seaweed and strip-joint wings

3. i louged around naked on the couch with my ___

Tom Cruise

4. still bound and begging, and he ___

finally gave me some Snausages

5. after ___ i gently unbound him

watching Vanilla Sky

BONUS: all i can think of is how quickly ___

i've spent 30 years writing on this blog in one form or another, 3 or 4 times a week, and it's all gone by in a flash. it's like the feeling when i first started. doing my homework in little bitesize story form even all the way back then, itching to start up again with my craft i couldn't quit. my first post. my first TMIT. my first story. MATCH.COM MINDY MAGIC, who knew? i'm sure if i research it it will end up being this blog and the others 13 years so i won't delve deeper. i'm STILL STILL STILL looking for my soulmate!!! it's like all this started a week ago...…...and that ain't the pandemic talking...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

DISTANCE DATING

notes:

* whenever Sinatra or some crooner is singing, you know some global tragedy is happening or some clandestine government's trying to sweep it under the rug from the pax populi with shadow lights.

* look at the Sinatra hologram! he's singing with 2Pac and Whitney! this was 9/11 Vanilla Sky technology!

* all War of the Worlds posters are too bitterly ironic and passe now

* this looks like James Franco's den. did anyone have any idea Alison Brie married James Franco after everything!?

* i'm not a vampire, my fapping took longer than expected

* cat (unseen): dude you got a cool-looking Tiki fan there.

dude: yeah it's just for decoration.

unseen cat: well that's unfortunate. cos your pits stink! i've been licking them all night while you were sleeping. get that foul beast away from me!

dude: it's just a stuffed meerkat. i'm nostalgic for when tv was good...

cat: why are you staring at that Malaysian porn?

dude: no it's an old AXE commercial of a couple in the pouring rain. moody glow. teaching me how to tongue again, it's been so long.

cat: admit it, you were licking the screen cos you thought that rain was real.

dude: i forgot what rain was.

* dude: where am i? my daddy told me about this place. there's a weird hilly street with a broken-dotted lane. Beatlesville or something?

jogger: you're in San Francisco, dude. look at my purple paisley pants it's a dead giveaway. why are you carrying around your mail?

dude: like myself the mail hasn't delivered in months.

jogger: i saw you peeping me from your mailslot, you creep. the reason is your knob is in the middle of your door.

dude: is that code? it's been so long, is this conversation are we fucking right now?

* Simpsons-Homer-backing-into-the-hedges meme is so old the dude who is Ed Sheeran wears a Nirvana Seattle-scene plaid grunge shirt doing it

* not anything to do with the pandemic lockdown, dude's just nervous around women that his boner froze. 

dude: then the rest of my body. i became a diverse Iceman...…...but i'm not gay...

* dude: like my megaphone?

picnic student: is that code for head?

dude: fuck i forgot the San Pellegrino! picnic ruined!

picnic student: no dude the picnic was ruined when you brought those strange beets that look like red potatoes...

* EVERY Instagram pic promoting travel with the POV shot of you and the girl in the sundress turning around and smiling and taking your hand.

dude: i'm holding a stick between us. for safety. i don't think you're a dog.

girl on a hill: and i'm not the Taco Bell Sunset Girlfriend.

dude stumbling and tumbling on the hill: you're not holding my hand. you're holding a blue neoprene glove...

girl: your name is Jack. but my name is not Jill...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: FIVE GUYS!!! my summer tour of new burger joints across the town square continues! in that square of sand i knew about all my years living here but never explored! Five Guys has finally moved away from the Eastern Seaboard and joined us over here on the Best Coast. Peter from Family Guy is very sad about this... 

SAX, PLAY US OUT: WELCOME TO THE WATER CLOSET

Boc is having problems. he doesn't know what to do. she was a she for most of her life but now is a he. but that's not the problem, for nobody can tell the difference anyway. people look at him and see he's either a boy with a pixiecut or a tomboy who likes men with one muscle. the problem is he feels nobody actually sees him. he is on the other side of the building, the other corner from the Orchid Girls...

Boc: it's not the they in question, it's the fundamental and scary right to exist. it's the unwavering and unswerving soul-stirring baffling concept of live and let live. i mean can you really do that? can you really do that for me? ensure my safety? look into my eyes and see them with your eyes as your eyes. recognize that, yeah, maybe it would be wrong if i got killed by police. whatever my track record in the timetrials. that, yeah, maybe i can do more than be a rapper, basketball player, or politician. if i master the flute i will. if i master the piano i will. if i master the violin in tribute i will. if i master the organ dammit i will. no shame, never full stop, always full tilt. i mean look at my skin. really look at it: it's green with orange flecks. how does your brain up till now conditioned as it has been, weaned on reddit, contend with such a thing? what is your quick comeback? your list of all possible responses to masks, Costco, racism, and the best places to get a handjob at Disneyland during the pandemic. no, my favorite film is NOT E.T.! 

Germane: i'm still unloading the washer. and the dishwasher. please come back at 4...

Tyzik: commercials?

Dirg: what does the A in Chick-fil-A stand for?

Laertus: Asshole.

Boc: it's not Bawk, that's for sure.

Takahashi: where did you go last weekend? i scrambled for you but couldn't find you.

Dirg: i think you mean where were you? did you get yet another new car?

Takahashi: sure. my new ride was the Isuzu Faster in the parking lot. it's basically a lean truck.

Dirg: you didn't see me? from on high? i was riding the Gatekeeper Rollercoaster. just to see if the bolts would hold. i mean look at that blatant out-in-the-open Illuminati Phoenix as the machine's spirit animal! i went to The Habit burger grill. like In N Out but new. soggier lettuce cos they dab just a skosh more thousand-island.

Cotard: oh that's lovely, young man! i haven't given up on you. you can always make good habits for yourself till you die. how's the gift shop over there? can you get a new monk habit? i've been cleaning my mask by placing it out on the sidewalk with the eggs and nut-house chalk but the Weather Channel says nothing on habits...

Dirg: it was okay. a little rare for my tastes...the meat that is...

Cotard: here. take this magazine that's been burning a hole in the cobwebbed corner of my cell...

Dirg: your cowl pocket? oh cool! The Habit Magazine! that's the Gilligan's Island Tina Louise on the cover!

Eye Luggage: Greta Thunberg looks like Bjork as a girl. Bjork was in a band you know. no, i mean Bjork was Beth Gibbons in Portishead...

Dirg: did Portishead ever play Portland?

Laertus: shame Portishead hasn't been heard from in a decade. they hated the trip-hop label but you gotta ride the horse that brung ya. they're one of those bands that haven't officially broken up but...

Orchid Girls: we checked their website...we think...we're Nene from Bubblegum Crisis!

Mardith: Beth Gibbons is the perfect example. here is a woman who was good-looking enough that people asked questions why she was a spinster with no kids. but she didn't gauge her own internal happiness by how outside external traditional boxing societal forces saw her...

Eye: that Beth is a wandering star. a free spirit. a bohemian gypsy bird who flies. can't be tied down by anyone, even herself. 

Pat: philly blunts for everyone. here. here. new heat old heat. poke this poke that.

Eye: Cuomo's Boyfriend Cliff is the Jodorowsky Holy Mountain!!!

Cotard: you see this Swiss Chocolate Java Monster? very rare. 

Dirg: yeah, i went to The Store and saw the last can on the top shelf. and it was there that i stopped myself in my tracks in my head. and i remembered what you said, Taka.

Cotard: you're learning! i'm praying for you. like i'm praying for all those nuns in that convent. Codrus thinks this stuff is funny. 

Codrus: when it comes to ventilation. window ventilation in old buildings...

Dirg: this was my ONLY chance in all of eternity to try this flavor. it wouldn't be there tomorrow. there wouldn't be a tomorrow. so i drove back, well Taka drove back ten miles, back to the store so i could get it. 

Takahashi: and i paid for it, too, you cheapskate.

Cotard: turn the can around. see all the squares? and the flag of multicolored squares? 

Dirg: all secret symbols of the Illuminati. and the Matterhorn, best place for a handjob. and the gay agenda.

Cotard: see that one square with the monk in it. see? this drink is for monks only.

Eye: i had a similar experience at The Store. i saw them on display, the Pickle Rick Pringles.

Takahashi: beware of new Pringle flavors!!!...

Eye: i'm not even a fan of the show. cos it's still fratboy mentality, you know?

Laertus: i'm not a fan cos it's too popular.

Dirg: i'm not a fan cos i'm jealous of it.

Eye: but i stopped myself. and said my default position is always to say no and put things out of mind. but why not try this time? i'm not a fan of the show but was like, well, why the fuck not. so i got them. and it turns out i WILL eat to the bottom of the cylinder this time cos dill chips actually taste good!

Dirg: NO DON'T!!!

Madame Pons: so i'm thinking of tearing down the Walgreens and naming my tea shoppe Chai High.

Pons: you're teaching me, Mardith. why just yesterday in the late afternoon i saw the notice for her on my IG and my default reaction is always to skip it. but i did it this time, i had my first experience of being live with my favorite celebrity. it was magnificent and in-the-present-moment. it's scary to be present like that, doing what needs to be done at the time.

Dirg: a bowling alley is just a family-friendly night club. or a family-friendly stripper joint.

Laertus: this is how long i've been on Instagram: i was there when they first met on Instagram. and i was there when they each posted their own separate divorce posts on Instagram...

Doryce and Gladyce are in the elevator together:

Gladyce: i want to thank you, dear. when i was alone on that foggy island on my solo mission, your gift was a goddesssend. your gift of you, present with me. just what i needed at that exact right time! that care package with the Gummies from Around The World, it made me feel so special, i retraced my steps and relived all my old vacations when i was a young girl going from European village to European gingerbread chalet. 

Doryce: my favorite are the tubes of filling...i'm guessing from Iceland?...shall we away to Olive Garden?

Dirg: not Olive Garden, O.G. that ain't no pepperoni pizza, that's eggplant parmigiana!

Laertus: the Radical Monarchs, they have SUCH a cool innovative logo!!!

Pons: see, Mardith? look at Sjana.

Laertus: i need a sauna after i write.

Eye: i can help you with your back...

Mardith: yeah Sjana. exactly. see what i'm saying, she's a wellness coach cos she's hot, not the other way around.

Doryce: just cos you buy it from The Store ain't mean you're gonna end up eating it. with Dirg in The Treehouse...

Pat: remember the Nice Guys Drive-In Theatre…?

Doryce: I DON'T CARE!!! i cook the Stouffer's French Bread Pepperoni Pizza even if it's not microwaveable for two minutes on high AND THEN I EAT IT!!!

Gladyce: it looks like a traffic light row of red lights. reminds me of the old country, eating it with Grandma and Grandma on our long solo quiet trips across Transylvania...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: was the My Hero Academia movie REALLY necessary? really? the My Hero Academia movie, that would have been perfect for toonami in December...

Eye: Hey Arnold The Jungle Movie and go.

Alex Trebek: !

Dirg: let's not beat around the bush or the penis: is this a movie or a 90-minute regular episode? cos look at the endcredits……...it's just another episode...

Dirg: Arnold's mom's got a nice butt. she's a milf. is this a recurring nightmare or a wet dream for Arnold? oh GOD those froufrou fancy inner city New York City city-skyline glass skylights as the apartment roofs. but no crosses on the windows, yet they claim to be eyes to God. 

Germane: i patterned this building after that one...

Laertus: i mean that was cruel what Nick did to Craig. you can't leave a creator-animator animal hanging off a cliff like that, they are creatures of habit and spirit! this way to wrap up the series, this finale, should have been, oh i don't know, done a decade ago???!

Dirg: don't tease a man who has children's-music albums to make!

Eye: when people still cared about this wonderful series, a retro Clarence!

Eye: Helga Pataki is one of the greatest creations in all of Creation. she is a fully-formed motivational and motivated character full of vim and vigor and doesn't take fuck from anyone. she is self-actualized from seed. of the tip of the pen. she says what she wants, feels what she wants, and she's gonna get her man if she has to kill him!

Dirg: Helga was tsundere before anyone knew what that was or watched anime for the first time in the sixth-grade bathroom. the ultimate tsundere she is, that's not healthy for girls. bad for their gut digestion. they need to let it all out, stop lying to themselves and others, and stop being a drama queen.

Eye: but what if Helga grows up to be an actress?

Laertus: which football-head came first, Arnold or Stewie? oh i LOVE Mason Vale Cotton! 

Dirg: my favorite cotton. you ain't fooling nobody with that unnecessarily-tiny baseball cap, Arnold. that ain't no cap, that's a blue condom for Helga...

Laertus: his voice is so unique and warm and at-ease and comforting and full of brown sugar, it's so friendly and instantly identifiable. why is not this man Keanu or Keanu's apprentice? he seems to keep a VERY low profile, and Arnold seems to be the only thing he does...

Eye: Arnold Shortman. last name Shortman, clever.

Dirg: Alfred Molina plays EVERY Spanish bad guy. every SINGLE Spanish bad guy...and of course every white guy on tv has to have a black best friend...

Eye: 33. Gerald was down with Smashing Pumpkins from jump.

Dirg: it's all downhill from here, kid. trust me, take it from me. once you enter sixth grade, you start getting homework that lasts all night...

Laertus: the grandparents are still on about '60s causes bless em. beepers? BEEPERS!!? no wonder business is bad!!!

Dirg: i was waiting for that water closet to say Owned By The Government. or Fields.

Eye: Rhonda the brunette Paris Hilton. oh i love how they hint at the Phoebe/Gerald 6th-grade hookup, cute couple! flame it in the bathroom, guys! they're made for each other, they both see through Helga's bullshit.

Laertus: oh man that's a bummer. Pigeon Man was such a seminal character for me growing up. his tale was not sugarcoated, they even intimated at the end of his episode that he had killed himself in hopeless despondence when he realized he'd never be able to get out of his homeless outcasted-by-society situation.

Dirg: didn't affect me at all...

Eye: death by balloon...

Laertus: but there he is, OKAY. and he's moved to France for fuck sake!

Eye: you know what they say about that therapeutic Parisian vineyard sun... 

  

Eye: how does Olga get all the hunks? baby voice, baby, baby voice. cell phone bars, prison bars. that one kid who's a little too in love with his bewts and Nudie suit.

Dirg: and the kid who breathes heavily. not all heavy-breathers are pervs, some may really have asthma. and look, he saved the day! no movie without the perv.

Laertus: it really is a STROKE of brilliant genius to explain the decade of absence. they have the parents in a coma of sleeping sickness. sleeping sickness. SLEEPING SICKNESS. divine. i've never seen that before. i mean not even SOAP OPERAS use sleeping sickness!

Laertus: oh and did you see the pig see it? you missed it. the pig knows the guy is a fake and snorts, everyone misses that. i admit, they got me with the ol' switcheroo, the guide turns out to be the bad guy. 

Eye: the line hey, Arnold as the first line from the parents after ten years when they wake up: perfect. pitch-perfect. yeah see, back then boarding houses weren't frowned upon as hippie pipe dreams.

Dirg: god damn autonomous zones. don't make any floating islands, kid, leave that to a direct-hit to Hawaii from a hurricane. 

Gordon Ramsay: is it that Mexican restaurant? no, no it is not...

Eye: you never know a person's story, Dirg. an ethnic person's story living in your boarding house...

Dirg: China, nuff said. San Lorenzo? i swear i thought that was a made-up place...why is the class dragging Arnold? kids need to be left in cages, builds character...SOS, not BOOBS...

Laertus: you never know what a person goes through daily. good news, no more kids left to their own devices struggling to survive without parents. the Green Eyes in this case was jealousy. bad news, it's a maze. good news, those darts are out of poison tips...only Lasombra deserves the cliff this week...

Dirg: the Dodgers skipper when they won the World Series in the '80s with crowds?

Eye: no, Spanish Pinhead. or Spanish Evanescence Amy Lee.

Eye: WE GOT REAL LIP KISS! not a mask! and the raising of the girl-leg to boot! oh so Classic Hollywood! not outdated at all! yeah Helga's a stalker but she owns it! atta girl, get yo man.

Dirg: and the school doors close on Arnold's parents. Arnold says he will see his parents again at that same spot at 3:30...you know what happens at 3:30... Arnold gets let out of school and his parents are not there at the spot...his parents are gone...again...forever...Arnold freaks the panic fuck out again...g'night, folks...

Dirg: wish they kept that parade footage...true Americans love a parade...not that stupid Portlandia parade... 

Mardith is literally bouncing off the walls.

Mardith: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE! it could go either way. i like this man i've been zoom-dating with and i want to send him a DM. 

Dirg: known in Saved By The Bell parlance as "taking it to the next level..."

Mardith: but why sugar it, why play games? why dance around it with more lovey-dovey posts? why not list it direct. i want to tell him by DM:

i want to fuck you

that's it. i want his dilf dick.

Dirg: not all zoom meetings are zoom dates...

Pons: huh. could be sticky and tricky. he could be married.

Mardith: he is. with a kid. and i'm bff's with his wife.

Pons: he could perceive it as harrassment. he could receive it and not respond, not seen it, so you'll have no idea and never know. he could take offense and never text you again. is he the type to be playful or stick-in-the-ass?

Mardith: that's the thing i don't know. why most it be binary? why must it be beat or beat it? he is very straitlaced and serious and powermad and entrepreneurial. then again he still responds to my DMs with hearts. i told him once half-jokingly that if he ever wanted to fuck i was down and let me know. but i don't think he got that. that was the thing: half. he never saw it. i told him later in the year that if he wasn't married i'd be on him like white on rice.

Dirg: with women, you don't have to be explicit. they know exactly what you mean when you send them stuff...…...Wonder Woman art and pics of the moon...

Boc looks wainfully and wanfully at the two women:

Boc: BE HONEST. always be honest and direct with people. no matter if you're real or online. and NEVER think the people you're interacting with are beneath you, that you're smarter than them...

Pons: at The Store people were wondering where my mop was.

Dirg: same. i mean some jamoke thought i was the butcher and wanted help handling his meats. 

Mardith: that's cos you two bozos wore thick dishwashing gloves to The Store!

Pons: well shit. and here i was thinking i was the next Carol Burnett...i thought they wanted to see me dance in the aisles, not cleanup them!

Mardith: we need to get you some new clothes, you look like Pigeon Woman. also, it doesn't help that on your Instagram profile it reads

no DMs. I'm not interested in finding love online

then why are you online?

Germane: here you go, Boc, thanks for waiting. i've set you all up. here are the various papers. you got an 8AM with Kanye to get fitted for his bulletproof vest, just in case. he'll be going to see a psychiatrist in every city on the campaign trail. two tickets to Orlando to see LeBron in The Bubble. and you're doing the rap album to the 12 Oz. Mouse revival...

Dirg: Ozmo as the kids call it...

Boc: um, your heart's in the right place, Germane. but no. i did it all myself. i helped myself. i got myself a scholarship all on my own to the Berkeley Berklee. i applied online, and earned it.

Dirg: oh. i thought you just hacked into their system and sent all their white-privilege admissions to the New York Times to get in. 

TMIT: STEPDAD JOKES

1. what movie can you watch over and over and never tire?

my home movies. but if we're talking Hollywood gotta go with the greatest film of all time: Wings of Honneamise. that's animated OR non! you thought i was gonna say Wings from 1927, huh

if it's strictly non-animated, it's gotta be Lars's Melancholia. right? there will never be a mood, an atmosphere created like that again. everyone now is rentng his Epidemic from the last Blockbuster Video.

now the film that you watch and never tire of cos you keep discerning new clues and sight gags from and upon each repeated viewing is, well, Inception. and the Star Wars Holiday Special. Bea Arthur does that thing with her lips...

2. who is someone you only met once but they left a big impression on you?

me. in a bad way. granted i met myself when i was in a bad way. oh and Gandhi wearing a Nirvana shirt in my lucid dream...

3. if you had to run away from everyone, where would you hide yourself?

the monastery. scratch that, the hermitage. scratch that, Fort Knox. where all the government scratchers are stored. from the California Lottery. scratch that, where Jerry hides from Tom. scratch that, wherever my galavanting global girlfriend wants to go...

4. what is the worst topping to put on pizza?

pineapple. cos you know there's no going back after that. you have to entertain her after dinner. in your bed. you have to perform. suddenly the flopsweat starts forming on your brow...tasty cum is a curse...

5. what do you spend most of your time doing?

trying to figure out how the fuck i get out of my situation...

BONUS: if you could pick any animal to talk, which would it be?

i want Scooby-Doo with a PhD in Speech Therapy. Noops, Tex, Talia, Trinity. i want Garfield to SPEAK those beautiful thoughts of his, TALK, GARFIELD, TALK!!! i want that brown cow over there over the fence to come up to me and with his hoof hit me in the stomach for all of humanity's callous puns about him and his family. and then the brown cow explains to me the truth behind all those methane farts...

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