PIGGY

notes:

* not sponsored by Amazon. but delivered by them

* that's apple juice in those bottles

* don't worry, not the Doctor Who vacuums

* FleshPhone was the original name of the iPhone, Steve was on a spiritual bender with both Benders that dawn. looking back, the name fits now...

* Piggy: before you talk, listen. they stole Neelix from me. i wear my old-man ear-hair in the front as a sign of male virility in my culture. i'm the diversity hire, i can be as obnoxious as i want. i'm very affectionate. and i have a thing for Asians. this is what Jesus looked like, he was not a Middle Eastern man...

* what am i like on a college campus?...…...sorry folks, this joke is so old it was told when there were still college campuses...

* you're losing your job cos you look like Ethan Suplee...

* Ethan: don't touch me, asshole!
Piggy: what's up that guy's ass?
Ethan: my asshole.

* Piggy: we need to take you to Key West and get you laid, brother...don't mind my extend-o-arm...
boss: Hurricane Season starts June 1...
Piggy: remember when Margaritaville wasn't just for Republicans...

* Piggy: New Jersey, city of stars...
black man: it's pronounced Joisey. who's a star form New Jersey?
Piggy: um......Frank Sinatra i think...and that guy who ate too many clams...
Piggy: is this really for pooping? i don't poo so i don't know. it smells like poop?
black man: no it's a glassless mirror. you know before toilet seats you just had a bucket out back. but Amazon destroyed all the buckets...

* Piggy: what's that mess?
Asian woman: it's either clothes for children or adult babyplay.
Piggy: oh cool. let me ask you something, how does it feel to be in bed wth Michael Cera?
Asian woman: what?

* disgruntled employee: i ain't too bright, i no doctor, but i know family. this here's a family company. if you gay you can't have a kid unless you steal one off the space black market...which is all black...

* worker: you're shitting right here on the shiny marble floor!!!?
Piggy: it's Amazon, an essential worker will be right over to clean it up...
worker: you're not one of us!
Piggy: i was laying eggs, the network says it's missing their Steven Universe numbers so i pulled some crystals out of my ass. you don't hate me, you hate yourself.
worker: i'm gonna make you clean!
Piggy: good. Melissa Maker could help you, too.
worker: i'm gonna suck you off.
Piggy: i have a boyfriend. he builds hearing aids for BIG ears.
Piggy: you know how you love me?
worker: yeah tell me, genius.
Piggy: thank you, friend, i hadn't gotten an erection in years. your tension made me normal again.

* Piggy: can i please be the company butcher now?!
boss: no you can't. cos you look like meat.
boss: sit still for your covid test.
Piggy: dude i could EAT all the covid in the world if you'd let me!
boss: it's early innings yet...…...again, sorry, there was baseball when we did this...
boss: Los Angeles Community College.
Piggy: is that like...what is that exactly? not USC, not UCLA,...
boss: what the hell is that!!!
Piggy: what? it's my butcher-cutter motion. i'm native. Indian and to space like Neelix.

* boss: no Piggy, you may not smell the Dolly Parton rainbow scarves...oh hey, Chester Bennington.
worker: next album is taking real long...
boss: i'd like to, too, but...
worker: just convert to Judaism and you can get away with anything. i'll even throw in that refrigerator with all the skateboard stickers over there in the back of me. he ate my Red Lobster leftovers, man!
boss: that is unforgivable. especially right after that poor handsome Red Lobster worker died shortly after filming that commercial spot.

* Piggy: what the...YOU SHOT ME! who the hell are you supposed to be? like Michael Madsen? Arnold but halfway done with the muscles? spouting a meme i have no idea of...
boss: CALL THE POLICE!!!
Piggy: *softly* it's okay, boss, shh, shh, quiet now, cry no more, i am the police...i was the police the whole time...
boss: *through tears* don't worry Piggy, we'll continue to pee in bottles in honorance of you.

* Phoenix: *wiping the marble floor looking like a stretchy marshmallow cartoon character* this maple syrup's a bitch to get out.
cybermancer: spoilers, i was Chris Farley...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: In-N-Out Burger reopens!!! it was cool the last time, the drivethru line was so long it snaked into the park and curled into the highway into oncoming traffic. it took so long the beautiful servers in their neat paper hats actually came outside and took our orders with ther ipads by knocking on car roofs. then they directed us to the covid drivethru. that's how good their burgers are! oh, no animal fries on the menu till they get wiped off...