PAT'S PREP: LARGE'S ARK

"I hate blondes!" exclaims Julie at Don's Plum for a post-dance drink. the two are wearing their nonformal street clothes, she wears Mr. T, he wears Phylicia Rashad.

Julie: but you knew that already. i hate them! fucking hate them! the lot of em!

Pat: i did?

Julie: my song, hello? the one i gave you a mixtape cassette of under the bleachers. it's really gonna go global once i perform it at prom.

Pat: i don't want to think about prom, leave that pressure for another day. and for others.

Michael Weiss: you know if it wasn't for Michael Jordan Phylicia Rashad would not be married today. sorry for being the third wheel, but this bar is just too cool! it's swanky. gots that orange shag carpet on the walls. folding doors that look like button booths with the circular cut-in-half Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack ship's-portal ahoy window.

Pat: yeah you're right, this is the first time i've ever been to the bar section of Don's. and i couldn't ask for a prettier drinking buddy.

Julie: yeah i'll be your partner and Mike will be your sponsor when it's over.

Michael: shall i alert the barkeep we're underage? i'm undoing my tux tie my throat is on fire! barkeep, one cinnamon fireball......huh, counterboy's out cold...

Pat raises two glasses up to his chin.

Pat: what shall we toast to? wait, is this gin or water?

Julie: same thing. L.A. River, remember? but you can sure this sprig in it is the genuine article and not Hollywood-fake. plucked by my trespassing hand from a real palm tree lining Hollwood Boulevard...

Mike: one day Van Nuys Boulevard will have more gritty nostalgic charm than Hollywood Boulevard...

Pat: mmmm, minty. wait, these glasses. they're emptied Smuckers jelly jars!

Julie: that's so L.A., we killin' it.

Mike: it's rad and quaint but think about the jelly. won't somebody think of the jelly. you know? Phish needs a career, too.

Julie: i got it...…...to adventure. adventure lasts longer than love.

Gladyce and Doryce kiss in front of an essential worker.

Doryce: *blushes* so.

Gladyce: *blushes* so.

Doryce: i missed you.

Gladyce: me, too, dear. but that's what the Good Book says. to separate for a time so that we come back stronger. we can't get bored of each other, that would be the worst. don't worry about long vacations, we got all the time in the world.

Doryce: the Good Book being our grimoire. doubles as a cooking book.

Gladyce: how was your little solo mini-adventure?

Doryce: well it was weird. i went to the Beef House thinking this would be some salacious frat i could stick my tongue into and frisson my punana. but it was just a bunch of old ugly dudes who could barely speak. and a boy. only Tim is somewhat hot, Tim is the hunk of the group. plus he's a musician.

Gladyce: be nice, dear, not everyone has our way with spell words. you know this is the first time for me actually seeing Meadow Soprano act in something. HBO was too expensive back in the day...

Doryce: and so i left with a banana in my mouth. a banana i bought from The Store. how were Three Busy Debras?

Gladyce: *claps her hand* oh lovely! lovely ladies three! all of them supreme witch material! i did get annoyed at the all-white tho. reminded me of my goody-two-shoes cousin who lives in a Carlsbad bungalow in the desert, Glinda. i choked on her pooka shells one time. she only wears one flipflop, it's weird.

Doryce: you're just sore cos you thought you were going to Glendale...

Dirg: are the malls open yet?

Laertus: depends what you mean by "mall". smoke six feet apart. a strip mall does not house strippers.

Dirg: come on.

Laertus: oh god.

Dirg: you have to admit.

Eye Luggage: here we go.

Dirg: i mean i'm not one to make judgments. i know Biden is embarrassed by this. but it's no doubt it was him. he did it. i saw him do it. he did Sharknado...

Laertus: sigh. but welcome back, Bill Maher! welcome back to the team we missed ya! where'd you go? we thought you had defected to the other side, become one of those curmudgeons who as they get older and older age and age into an old white man finding it harder and harder not to be conservative. it's the nature of old men to conserve.

Dirg: yeah cos nobody likes an old hippie. they can't move. arthritis from dancing in drum circles.

Eye: OMG did you see Chris Cuomo's haircut! i KNEW it!!! i KNEW he was a Smiths fan! open up the circle, another Moz Army man is comin in!!!

Anderson Cooper's baby: what is your message to the country, sir.

President Bump: burp. PLAY BALL!!!

Takahashi: hey guys!!! lookie what i brought for tonight's discussion. the Taco Bell Do-It-Yourself Taco Bar!!!

Eye: oh rad! thank you, i always wanted to eat just a bowl of their beef...

Takahashi: and here for my driving partner, touring buddy, roaming Rome riding partner. not ride or die tho yet.

Laertus: how's he workin out for ya? wanna trade?

Dirg: equal. that's hard for me to say, when i look at your face, Taka.

Takahashi: here. the latest Rags comics magazine. controversial comic just the way you like it.

Dirg: i wish my father had been a cool rage comic. like Rickles.

Takahashi: anybody have any quarantine dreams or lucid nightmares?

Laertus kisses his laptop.

Laertus: open up baby, there you go, suck that power all off. i'm plugging into you. work your magic, magnetic baby, i need to cash in my dreams.

Dirg: working on a screenplay? or just a blog?

Takahashi: i was on my way to Albertine Books to pick up some French books when i saw it on their tiny black-and-white tv. the French LOVE their anime! but in the commercial, i mean take several seats, Chick-fil-A! slow yo roll, Christian. yo rolls ain't that good! it's one thing to want to help the helpers, but why you gotta shade my man McDonalds like that.

we don't just mangle our logo, we actually help people...

damn. how was your tattoo?

Dirg:

Dirg: hello. i'd like one tattoo please.

Ales: of what?

Dirg: i specifically stalked out a Czech artist. cos, you know. make it of a certain green cat-toy...

Ales: why the fuck would you want a permanent remembrance of the shitty time we're all having now!

Takahashi: i spent the rest of the afternoon waiting for this one to come back with our van steering wheel by watching the last two Fujiko films. brilliant stuff. but i mean that one pale dude who literally explodes not actually having intercourse with a naked Fujiko but just THINKING about fucking Fujiko.

Eye: the power of love. what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: the terraces in Louisiana. can a terrace be steel?

Dirg: it can if it's native son Steeler Terry Bradshaw.

Tyzik: trellises. trellisii?

Eye: veranda. veranda! THAT's what we need, Larry, a genuine Southern VERANDA for our Juliet + Romeo balconyplay.

Eye: Garden State and go.

Dirg: they don't make em like this no more. real movies. by which i mean you can't say retarded anymore. now when you call someone a tard it means they have tardive dyskinesia...

Eye: i wanna kiss those mouths. retarded quarterback. and i thought calling the quarterback a quarter pounder with cheese was bad...

Dirg: hey no making fun of my man Terry Bradshaw.

Laertus: Terry Bradshaw replacing Dylan McDermott in Steel Magnolias, that would have worked! i am very much inspired by this film. this film is me. this film is about Zach Braff's days in Hollywood before he made it big on Scrubs...

Eye: we need Zach Braff on the front lines now!!!

Dirg: i hear he's difficult.

Laertus: his twenties were his lost years, as are the lost years for all of us. he was lost, directionless, he had no idea what his life would be, he was adrift with no anchor but a pill bottle. i relate tremendously to that decade of loneliness...

Dirg: ...see? it's better for a man to be lonely, it says so right in the poem this film is named after. you fruits love your poetry, right? written by a marvelous man...

Eye ...before you met me. but i ain't no Natalie Portman Manic Pixie Dream Girl! i'm a real human with a real interior life.

Dirg: Dennis from AV Club is SO mad he didn't come up with that...

Laertus: Natalie Portman has nice teeth.

Takahashi: Pixi Stix for the masses!

Dirg: now Zach Braff is TOO Hollywood, do NOT mess with his car! stick to planes and cranes, hollywood boy.

Dirg: THIS IS THE FIRST-EVER CROWDFUNDED FILM!!! this movie is ours! i OWN this movie, it better be good!!!

Eye: pay attention to this opening scene in the rocking airplane, it will twin with the end later. if he hadn't made the right decision in the end he would have boarded a doomed crashing plane. hey! it's the sweet old man from The Sweet Hereafter! brilliant actor. i still can't get over that one scene from that film, it's uncomfortable for me...…...but not in the way you think...

Dirg: that Ian Holm guy should branch out and do some sci-fi and fantasy, holmes.

Dirg: this is why i don't take any drugs. cos i'm not depressed. zombies get killed first. don't inject me with anything but truth serum. is it true the Vietnamese don't eat bread? that's why they're winning the war on covid...

Eye: his father just should have told Zach,

here, son, take this and become Kurt Cobain...

Dirg: don't answer the phone, Zach, it's the government. let's not have a movie here...

Laertus: nice great Great Gatsby superhumansize fireplace. and Citizen Kane ivory swimming pool to match. oh god that leaves me in shambles, with the uncomfortableness of that accident. haunts me forever. very creative writing choice, the latch comes loose and the poor mother becomes paraplegic-paralyzed by falling back on the dishwasher door. that's the stuff of grimy household horrors. remind me, love, when we roleplay, i am always doing the dishes to save you from that horror.

Dirg: nice Batman motorbike scooter with sidecar. Natalie is wearing the same helmet Terry Bradshaw wore during his career.

Eye: i like the Natalie Portman character tho. i can relate to her, being a compulsive liar myself. where you lie even when you don't have to, i know what that's like, i can't stop myself. i don't know why i do it, i guess i'm terrified of being boring. i had my condition WAY before the President hit and came on the scene.

Laertus: just means you're a very creative person.

Dirg: Natalie would make the perfect lawyer. you do love Laertus, right Eye?

Laertus: Joisey. during The Sopranos time. i never watched The Sopranos, too expensive. hey they passed by Nice Guys High! okay this is writing gold, the Sally Struthers stuff, and peeing in the GameCube. screenplay gold. you coulda been a skater! but you were too short!

Dirg: before we start, i know you're alone with me in my room but we're not making out. typical dumb girl. and yes, OF COURSE this brooding dude SOMEHOW bumps into Natalie Portman at the doctor's office! not some rando girl but NATALIE PORTMAN!!! and yes, Zach just easily brushes her off and is content with never seeing her again after the appointment. just casually let Natalie Portman exit your life...

Eye: hey that's why we go to the movies, for the fantasy. her maintained childhood bedroom mirrors his lack of a childhood bed anymore. you know Zach and Natalie make a cute couple. they look good together, it's not just the Jewish thing. they fit well together.

Laertus: yikes. that pet cemetery. as in an actual pet cemetery not pet sematary. all those poor Hamtaros. being crushed by your own wheel, the wheel of life. there's a metaphor in there somewhere...

Eye: dead cat bounce, TERRIBLE name for that.

Dirg: ah 2004, where the only thing troubling twentysomethings was getting laid and acided in a basement. silent Velcro? omg it's McLovin!!!

Laertus: yeah i mean why the silent velcro tho? the sound the velcro makes is the best part. a piece of metal determined and doomed Zach's entire life.

Eye: i know the feeling. i never played Spin The Bottle. but i have played with a bottle...

Laertus: the cop. i thought he was the guy from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. what would be that one thing for you, Dirg. that one thing you would do that would separate you from all other men who ever roamed the Earth?

Dirg: i told the truth. the actual truth. also i can lick my own asshole, i hope to show that to my wife someday.

Laertus: Peter Sarsgaard, perfect casting. sorry for the SARS reminder. Sarsgaard for the gard in Garden State. that is noice! Desert Storm trading cards, ha! where's Anderson Cooper's baby? will Kathy Griffin babysit? speaking of babyface, omg that's Jim Parsons! this man could pass for a 12-year-old boy, how old is this dude?

Dirg: scotchgard. for your nuts. this is the real reason i had to see this, i must watch all the Medieval Times films, this and The Cable Guy.

Laertus: and to brush up on your Klingon. class reunion, are you the guy who killed himself? and Zach answers no, ha!

Dirg: that Ace Hardware store employee comes off as a loser, but he ended up marrying Christina Hendricks's tits. i sold back my GameCube for store credit, i was disgusted at how a machine so cool-looking produced such rotten games!

Dirg: who here has just seen titties? raise your hand. there you go, stop complaining! ha! now THOSE are words to live by!

Laertus: Method Man was nervous about having to say that line in front of Natalie Portman. a true Method actor gentleman rapper.

Eye: okay we must pause here at the peepshow scene and talk about it.

Dirg: oh god. here we go. but you're right.

Laertus: i think all three of us here can agree: what is heaven? what is it to each of us? Heaven is sitting alone in a darkened theatre just you with Sasha Grey---in her own private theatre, just the two of you---watching Life of Brian. it just doesn't get any better than that on this Earth.

Eye: wait, how would that work? would Natalie Portman play Sasha Grey in the movie or Sasha Grey play Natalie Portman in the movie?

Laertus: the trinket the dead mother wears the brother---sorry, i always think Zach's best friend is his brother---unearths at his gravedigger job is one of those '80s small toys with the tiny glass case with the little little silver balls that you moved around in your palm and with wrist-action made the tiny balls fall in the tiny holes. i had one of those for dexterity. too bad i'm scared to drive.

Eye: beautiful love scene. love, not sex. when they're in the decadent caramel empty tub and Zach hugs Natalie---hug her forever, never let her go, life will never get better than the warmth you feel right now. that's it, Zach, cry, and let Natalie capture your tears in a cup and drink them, that's foreplay for me, that's 2 girls 1 cup as it should be!

Dirg: i loved that scene, too. especially the snot story. instead of going to the foodbank and losing my dignity i eat snot for breakfast lunch and dinner. okay i swear to you, when Zach tells the omega man keeper-of-the-flame illuminati who lives in the quarry with his subservient wife in the rain digging for bitcoin, "I hope you find the secrets of the universe here", i KNEW he would answer back, "you, too." i KNEW that line was coming!

Laertus: shoulda found a He-Man figure in the soil. okay so they DO in fact have sex. i was beginning to wonder as it was nearing the end. but it's implied, not graphic. nice choice, Zach, i agree with that choice, make the sex subtler, smoother...

Eye: okay thank GODDESS Zach makes the right choice in the end, i was throwing my Doc Martens at the screen! he ALMOST leaves that poor girl crying at the telephone booth. in an airport no less! Tony Robbins cannot save you now, boy!!! even if he's probably a licensed pilot, too. but he does the Hollywood ending in the end. hey, fantasy, remember? what are we gonna do next? no one knows, it's scary, but that's the excitement of life. remember that line for our next pillow talk, Laertus.

Dirg: your next plow talk. nah, you want her not to be stock character, right? the fuckboy leaves her, she cries at the telephone booth awhile, but then she picks herself up by her non-hooker bootstraps, puts on some Doc Martens, and gets to work being SuperWoman thank you very much.

Laertus: homesick for a home that doesn't exist...

Dirg: good, i don't have to pack my bags.

Eye: best film soundtrack of all time?

Dirg: most indie. too bad Dolores O'Riordan will never know...…...g'night, folks...

Madame Pons: how are you coping, dear.

Taki: bread. eating lots of bread.

Madame Pons: that's not good. you're gonna contract the Quarantine Thirty.

Taki: no my diet is amazing. i eat bread.....i only eat bread...

at Don's Plum Julie, Michael, and Pat all have their feet up on the counter. with their white ridged socks all pulled up to their knees.

Michael: i guess we have free reign here, nobody's here, nobody's coming for us. don't mind me as i remove my shirt slowly and lick my chest hairs and six gold chains.

Pat shoots an ice cube into Julie's mouth.

Julie: good. but that was your 24th try. no more tray. gotta practice more, this skill is invaluable.

Pat: don't shoot any ice cubes into Julie's mouth, we need to protect this precious cargo, this valley treasure.

Michael: okay then she shoots it in my mouth.

Julie: first come up with a name. i tell my girls all the time, this is a tough business, men will take credit for your writing work. truly be a screenplay sister. think of the name of a hypothetical actress, first name and last name, a name that hasn't been seen before. it's harder than it looks or sounds. i'll start: Julie Charles.

Pat: Nikita Henderson.

Mike: Olga Cage.

Julie: alright, you win. ready?

Julie is so good she shoots it right down Mike's throat, his vocal chords become a violin and the ice cube almost chokes Mike to death. Julie in time wraps her palms and hands around Michael's neck and no CPR is required, she kisses him on the lips and he is cured, the ice cube melts instantly.