President Bump is pacing his room happy the coronavirus is letting his friends out early.
Bump: what's the latest, Mike?
Pence: the vaccine was already ready before the virus was conceived. now that it's in play and spread some, i can inform you we've built exactly two doses. one for me and one for you...
Bump: uh uh, one for me only. it requires two doses. it's good to be king. and president. of the student council. have we contacted Bill Gates yet? for the life of me i can't contact him through that computer he sent over to me. Microsoft, what is that, fabric softener?
Pence: doesn't bode well for our contact-tracing program. nor religion in general. you don't do laundry, man, don't make me laugh.
Bump: i'm one of those one-finger button-pushers on the computer keyboard.
Pence: Bill Gates on the line...
Bump: hey Bill. hey listen, i want to talk to you about Melinda......Melinda? after all your money and cash and stocks and sweaters and bonds and burgers bought on 60 Minutes you couldn't do better?
Bill Gates hangs up.
Bump: hello? i was gonna offer a trade with my Mel...
Pence: anonymous on the line...
Bump: who dis?
familiar wicked voice: it's your buddy.
Bump: DAMMIT KIM!!! i thought you were dead!!!
Putin: no, you dolt, it's Vlad. have you been watching the news?
Bump: news? what's that?
Putin: the break-in at the secret Chinese lab...that houses the vaccine ingredients...intrepid doxxers tried to scoop up the information before anyone else and publish the recipe online. but we took care of them and scooped it up ourselves. and wiped the screens with Lemon Pledge.
Bump: do tell.
Putin: i just did.
Bump: but why would you undermine your own operation, aren't the Chinese your slaves? all Asian people wear pink BAGA Bump hats. i suck off all their acer japanese maple.
Putin: to make it look like there's another actor in the game. we illuminati are like the Devil. we have to work 24/7 to make it seem like we don't exist.
Bump: the Devil was kicked out of our club cos he didn't pay his club fees and green fees and greens fees and dues and died. yeah it's too much work for me, that's why i threw my snake out the window when i got it in an envelope in the mail which is tanking. the snake wouldn't be defenestrated tho, it formed into a T and stayed on clutching the window frame.
Putin: that secret symbol is known as the Cross of Christ.
Bump: anyway it's a moot point, you mooch. covid will eventually become endemic to our world and be with us forever.
Putin: awww, i hate it when the game ends...
at the Glass Igloo, Doryce and Gladyce are trekking without their brooms in a harsh winterstorm.
Doryce: it's blowin'!!! my kind of weather. do you think the covid is wrapped in the tiny particles of all this snow?
Gladyce: dear, focus on the road, in front of you, you're carrying me. don't get distracted by all the viking butts trudging along our way. i've been trading heraldic charges like Pokemon cards with the local hanging townsfolk. which shield do you want?
Doryce: the one with Finn. to support The Midnight Gospel going to adult swim.
Gladyce: that's the best show to watch together just the two of us when we lovingly get to our room. in our three warm socks, sipping one elk mug of toasty cocoa, under our blanket made of invisible snake. each ice block is carefully measured by Escher to fit exactly, like a row of giant bricks, and the glass windows are our portals to look out at the night sky.
Doryce: there better be more green streaks than stars in that black sky!
the crones make it up to the tip of the white hill and unpack. their baggage. and hug joyfully.
Doryce: WE MADE IT!!!
Gladyce: we make ourselves...
the counterboy at the Wes Anderson hotel with snowy snow spires is Anderson Cooper's baby, who already talks with a heavy Brooklyn accent:
Anderson Cooper's baby: tickets. hey, MASKS, LADIES!!! where are the masks!!! no entry without yous masks!!! i mean scarves up here up in here!!!
Doryce: what?
baby: solving the riddle is your ticket outta here.
Gladyce: oh dear. i see the problem here, look, Dory, over there. our room, see? the blocks are not quite symmetrical. it's a geological geometrical conundrum.
baby: try calculus, toots.
Doryce: no neoprene gloves, squirt!!? blue to indicate cold?, hello!
baby: there were but everything turns to ice here eventually. those clear gloves are all yous got, get to sufficin'!
Doryce goes first and puts on the gloves, honoring her spell fingers by doing it carefully. the black conceals that it's a hot night. the out-of-place ice block is unprotected not getting the benefit of the collective cool and rapidly starts to water drip and melt. by the time Doryce tries to manipulate it the block has melted.
Doryce: i tried to turn it over but i only got one side. i spent five minutes struggling to take the glove off, my fingers got stuck and squirreled.
baby: buzzer. you lose. you have to touch the ice block with your bare hand or it doesn't count, but once you touch it it immediately starts melting. i am a symbol of hope. care for a shot, sweetheart?
Gladyce: with you oh yes, you are cute. i'm not sure which of your pair of cheeks are redder.
Gladyce has figured it out in the timespan of this one conversation duration. she puts on the glove and turns the ice block over. takes the glove off BY flipping the glove over itself instead of taking it off finger by finger, touches and turns the ice block over again to fit it in with its sisters, puts the reversed mirror-image glove back on just in time to move the block under the cool again before it melts and before she gets frostbite on her precious-cargo spell fingers.
Doryce: love you babe! that overhang roof of cold is exactly what we need at The Treehouse!
the clique are at Mary Grace Boutique in the mall after that wild night:
Julie: you're not still sore about last night, right?
Pat: i was never sore. which was the problem.
Julie: i had to hep Mike. he's kinda cute when he lets his chest hairs grow so mangly no lawnmower could ever cut it but that's beside the point. it's my duty to help. i'm a nurse. in-training. i tell my girls all the time that it's your duty to become a nurse if the writing thing falls through, always gotta have a backup plan.
Michael Weiss: imagine being a Norse nurse. WOW! look how cool these lucky pennies are! pressed into all the statehoods. my face is pressed up against the glass. and here's one for Puerto Rico that is small enough to fit into any earthquake crack...
Pat: cool. but not as cool as finding a lucky penny on the street.
Mike: NEVER pick those up, dude! lucky pennies ain't lucky anymore. don't you know they're covered in covid i mean germs!...
Anderson Cooper's baby gets another customer as he wears a fedora and swings baby plastic Fisher Price keys on his finger:
baby: name?
Ash: just call me Ash. i'm Elon Musk's kid.
baby: oh yeah i caught you playa how you livin? so you liking life so far?
Ash: my dad says there are better planets than this one. but California won't let me have my flying permit. i don't want to surf! i want to go into space as soon as possible. like my father before me. like that movie with the other space baby, am i gonna get that big? they say i can't get a permit cos they don't know how to pronounce my name for the records.
baby: bummer. at least you got a permanent in when to comes to that Pokémon VR game.
Ash: that's another thing. my dad won't let me play that game. he was bullied as a youth for being into video games and being a nerd. i tell him i can't read his mind and daddy says yes! i can! he's forcing me to read his mind when my brain hasn't fully formed yet! still got pockets of gas and canyons in there in my head gum. he says it's a moot point, mooch. btw, what's your name?
Anderson Cooper's baby: 360...
Takahashi is stuffing food down Dirg's throat.
Taka: here, try this.
Dirg: KELP JERKY!!! no way! i won't eat anything that comes from the conservationist sea! i don't care if this is the real-life version of SpongeBob food!
Taka: if you know the names of producers, THEN you're really a tv fan and junkie. do you kiss your burger before you eat it? i've seen you do it, Dirg, in the van when you thought i wasn't watching. i got an exra rearview window, bud.
Dirg: yeah, in your rear. mad about losing the California special election?
Taka: in the back trying to make the scary ridged emptiness less scary. it was surprising and a disheartening omen to come no doubt. i've seen you, you kiss each individual bean of the chili of your burger like the beans are essential workers and you're lording it over them.
Dirg: if i were British i'd be hailed as a genius in a university taco-bar lab for being a cultured culinary continental connoisseur. one of the Mexican masters. teach MasterClass. the chili burger is the greatest invention food has ever seen.
Eye Lugage: Libby Schaaf is fucking hot!
Laertus: right?
Eye: Oaktown mayor! WEST SIDE!!! and i hold up my white-girl-trash gang sign. her and Oprah for the Dem Ticket 2020!!!
Dirg: how can she understand Oakland's black issues? i mean her name is literally Libby...
Laertus: i feel SO BAD for Roy Horn! i mean come on! after all he's been through, after SURVIVING the tiger attack, he goes out LIKE THIS!!!?
Dirg: the tiger is not your friend…...that's next week...
Eye: without Roy Horn, that gold-standard Debbie Downer SNL skit at Disney World would have never held up all these years...
Tyzik: have they done Debbie Downer at Downton Abbey yet?...
Laertus: what's that noise?
Dirg: story of my life. it's my new ringtone: Maiara Walsh saying fuck on her Instagram stories...
Laertus: are you getting bolder in quarantine?
Dirg: no, just more bored...boreder...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: can a psychiatrist make a good father?
Dirg: depends how crazy he is.
Eye: you have to be crazy to be parent. Mister America and go.
Dirg: i didn't laugh once.
Laertus: not to be confused with Mrs. America, which everyone should go out and see.
Dirg: sucks when the best performance is from a conservative woman pro-life-with-pink-rollers-in-her hair scold Schlafly gadfly, huh. that pie tastes good.
Eye: i love Tim, but he really could have made an effort to include Eric in this, right? secure the friendship and business relationship.
Laertus: first off, this is either really good or really good acting on the part of local actors. i'm assuming they performed their skits in front of real people who didn't know this was a movie to get honest unfiltered reactions, which works. this is naked improv. i don't know how Tim & Eric and Eric Andre do it, they have balls of steel, they are the bravest men i know to go into a black donut shop or something in a KKK sheet just for the lulz is...…...crazy...
Dirg: more like baked improv. even i gotta admit, confronting Alex Jones like that one-on-one one-of-one mano-a-mano is scary as fuck. he's an intimidating guy. he sweats and spits and eats it, that's why his cheeks are so flustered. Eric nonchalantly brushes it off, saying Coachella this year sucks. as Alex Jones calls him a deep-stater comedian.
Laertus: okay, bud, Bud Lite and McDonalds. blue cans of Bud Lite and large red disks of McDonalds fries, THAT's your perfect meal, right, Dirg?
Dirg: almost. gotta add the WhiteClaw to be Murican.
Dirg: speaking of Coachella., that musical festival death of all those kids wasn't Tim's fault. you see the problem right there, doncha? Tim was playing good old-fashioned hardnosed shoeleather American music, rock, but then he transitioned into weak-wristed European electronica, that was his problem. vape doesn't kill, vape guns do. droplets do. metal. in your lungs does.
Laertus: the judge and the district attorney in this are VERY realistic. this is better than most documentaries.
Dirg: it's not that print media is dead, Tim, it's that media is fake. Martin Luther King Jr. is not just for the black man, stop hogging him, he's an inspirational figure, like Black Panther. MLK, the greatest San Bernardinoino of the Greater Los Angeles area who walked on a water fountain. we have a rat problem, and of course only the Mexican restaurant won't allow Tim to put up his campaign sign on the window. we all know Gordon Ramsay faked that rat in that restaurant...
Laertus: it's cool to see cigarette shops and the like okay the taping of campaign signs on their windows. i never knew you could just walk up to places and do that there in them.
Eye: i LOVE Terri Parks here as Toni Newman. she does a great job. seamless acting. it's all like it's really her talking naturally in real life, not a mockumentary. she's cute as a button. and her body is cute as a button.
Dirg: she's one of the few women who still looks hot with glasses. ANOTHER BEER, BITCH. i swear in the motel scene might have been the motel lighting but when she says she needs to speak to Tim urgently i saw her belly distended and thought she was pregnant. they get married later but the infatuation flirtation started here. what's with the product placement, show? you get Bud Lite to sponsor but have poor Tim drinking out of empty Rams Bud Lite cans? are you serious? you couldn't get him the Steelers Bud Lite cans?
Eye: i didn't add it up at first, when Tim talks about the one juror that hung him and let him avoid the electric chair for the electric festival, i didn't immediately realize it was Toni. the film should have played around with the audience's head and kept that secret and not reveal that it was Toni till the end for dramatic tension. let that remain a mystery longer to fester a more explosive finale.
Laertus: people would think that juror was a Russian illuminati or something. doing it for the lulz.
Dirg: fucking Gregg Turkington.
Laertus: it's weird, this movie ends up being more about Gregg than Tim. i think Gregg takes up most of the screentime here. he makes cogent points tho. this is The Shaggy D.A. in real life. Tim is a murderer who should be put down like a dog sorry honey, he just got OJ'd.
Eye scowls at Laertus.
Dirg: brave going into that Mexican barbershop and talking about the good ol' days. but it WOULD be good old days if Tim's campaign promise bore fruit for those fruits and there was 100% no crime. everyone benefits cos they wouldn't be there...
Eye: not even Little Caesars pizza can quiet Tim's outburst. the six people in the room were just there for the pizza anyway. his opponents don't turn up for the live televised CNN debate in a tiny hotel room. you know Tim was just jealous of this hotel room from his motel campaign headquarters.
Dirg: and Gregg takes that long sad walk alone at night by the neon light of a GIRLS revue sign by the highway...
Laertus: Gregg should have been eating a burger at the debate. or kissing one to really get Tim mad. get under his white-rage skin. alas, the man they call Tim wanted to be Caesar…...you can't be the D.A. if you don't live there, this isn't Rome...
Laertus: i love with all these movie outburst rants, the first thing that always goes in all these hotels is the gold luggage cart. shoved into the wallpapered walls and flipped over. shove it up your ass, i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, not your ass, Toni, tho i'd like to. get out of here, Toni, i need to breathe. in motel ice. i love Tim's character in this cos it comes from a place of love.
Eye: did you see Terri's face during those scenes? she was not Toni there she was Terri and she was SICK of Tim's real-life bullshit at that point! there's only so much improv you can take when it becomes Bumpian toxic masculinity and mistreatment on set and insults and vulgarity, ha! i love her so much. Tim should have chilled with a Grim cartoon during the concession with Mandy to remind him of what Toni could have been if the chaos and chairs were turned.
Laertus: would have been interesting if they had Tim actually heartfelt apologize and concede gracefully...
Dirg: Terri should play Ruth Bader Ginsburg when the time is right…...in a Lifetime movie or whatever......i'm not saying hoping or rooting for anything just stating facts...
Eye: in the final scene, Tim's meditation at the burnt-out scene of the crime, it should have ended precariously and wobbly so the audience doesn't know if Tim is addressing the REAL camera crew who made this film or the camera crew in the film's world. and why does Eric the interviewer go by Josh in this film? did he really need to change his name for this? did he really need to play a character? it would have been more realistic if he hadn't and just been himself in real life.
Dirg: Tim, you don't need to read a laborious tome of California code law to prep for the debate, you just need to take the Bible in there with you. g'night, folks.
Madame Pons is on a house call. with Doctor Birx. two-way zoom meeting:
Birx: oh i was so disappointed in The High Note. i thought the daughter was gonna portray her mother Diana Ross in that one...
Pons: *smiling like Cosby* right.
Birx: did you see the scarf i was wearing today? it was pretty and different, right?
Pons: right. peacocks, we get it, we get it. how may i help you tonight, sister?
Birx: i'm scared of the President. i never thought my career would be my detriment, that as a woman i would be chided for being smart and not lying. if i disagree wth Bump he yells at me like he's my daddy. i don't know how much longer i can conceal the charade with the media that there was a vaccine all along.
Pons: you need to be more assertive. you know what, i'll patch you through to a very special guest who was on this zoom the whole time, he'll tell it like it is. hi B!
Obama: Birx, listen, look at me. look at my eyes. just do what i do, when you're standing right next to President Bump, take this chance to not social distance to tell him to his face what you really think of him. next time you're in that moral quandary between public health and not getting killed look him square in his square face and say:
you are a disgrace to this country, you little faggot. you're not one of us. you're foreign. like a virus that makes once-good things bad. i hope you lose. i hope you lose yuge. you're doing a terrible job, even Jim says so. the factory workers were making fun of you with their choice of music. don't believe me? ask your Cabinet about Axl Rose...
at the first student council meeting of the year, the girls and Pat are all gathered round the round table, with Mister Flowers presiding:
Flowers: i am the teacher for this shit i mean gig. any questions for me? i'm a young Harrison Ford when i lie down and prone out on the hood of my yellow Corvette.
Julie: you have white hair and your heart is 100 years old. older than your engine. where did Kate Tempest go?
Flowers: like most women she couldn't decide. is she a brilliant spoken-word artist or a singer? is she in a one-woman band? like, she tries to sing her lyrics but it's half-singing. so i flunked her.
Julie: i WANT HER for the Orchid Club Girls!!! call me, The Tempest!
Flowers: i found a green watergun in Pat's pocket and took away that contraband! Pat is expelled!
Pat: it wasn't me. somebody planted it. this room told on me.
Flowers: shaking my head. you young people and your rush to be gangbangers. why not listen to Rush instead? shame. yes i did it i mean no i didn't.
Julie: take off your glasses. when i look into your ancient sagging tired eyes, i know that you never wanted to be a public highschool teacher. you wanted to relieve the stress in your life. YOU planted the gun, didn't you. this is YOUR watergun.
Flowers: yes. plants aren't allowed in class. even in biology. i would keep my flowers in locked cupboards and when the principal wasn't looking i'd squirt a few shots from my watergun to keep them watered and moist and deluged then close the cupboards again. it's the only beauty i see all day! not you stupid students' butts all day! i wanted to be a gardener at this school! i like to think of myself as a fertilizer of people.
Julie: plus, we got you. that anonymous porn video that's virused and sweeping the world of an unknown teacher in a sweater who has a secret rendezvous with a student in a skirt, Kate, pushes her down by the head to his dong, unzips it before entering the room of bath as he leans back and holds on with both hands to the tub-sink, that's you innit! they were making it think it was from Belgium...
Flowers: yes. bathrooms are my weakness. you won't tell the principal?
Julie reaches for Flowers's pistol.
Flowers: NOT MY DONG!!!
Julie: relax.
Julie Indian-burns the tip of the watergun and it fills with good fresh sparkling bubbly clean water and is big enough in room for all of the teacher's flowers to bloom inside that one long narrow skinny flute.
Julie: now go. go away and never darken my doorstep again. i'm the president now.
Pat: if only you could Indian-burn my reputation off.
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