TMIT: HUMP HUG

my priest taught me about the three kinds of hugs. as he was grabbing my ass one day.

much like the three kinds of love, the first hug is the handshake.

the second hug is the one where you touch the back. and the final hug, the third hug, the hug with the most power, in its final form, is the hump hug. where you're humping one another back and forth standing-up right in front of everyone in the church.

1. do you have a strong imagination? why do you think this?

yes. have to if you want to be a writer. why? because you can't just write something someone else has already written, you gotta be original. you gotta write your own unique experience as a human, something which comes plumb from the bottomless depth of your soul. so painful it punches you right in the plums.

i mean i remember this one time i went to a book signing. i was nervous as all get-out with flopsweat running down the sinkholes in my chin. cos it was Mario. he looked at me lasciviously, undressing me with his mustache. when it was my turn my penhand was shaking tremendously. Mario got up from his fold-in chair and kicked me in the balls. he then took out his wrench and placed it on his crotch, looking at me menacingly as if to say his girth was the length of the wrench and i didn't measure up.

2. are you confident?

no, but does it count if you're a good actor?...…...

3. do you consider yourself to be sensual?
a) you bet i am!
b) eek, no way
c) in the right moments i can be

nah i ain't no Popeye, when i see a mouse i run to the nearest stool. i get all my sensuousness from listening to Boy Harsher.

4. when was the last time you dressed provocatively to entice flirting?

first pic up top. i had always wanted to meet Dermot Morgan, i thought he was so cool. when i got there, he was dead.

5. how often do you think about sex?

trick question. you're not gonna make me do it. i'll NEVER give up my Air Jordans. i'll NEVER betray Mike! i've wanted to be him for so long. ever since my first hamburger.

yes i like adidas, too. i like A.D.I.D.A.S. All Day I Dream About Sex...

6, if someone called you sexy, what would you do? follow them on Instagram

7. are you comfortable with your body?

i've always been painfully skinny and shy and it's been a source of great shame for me through my life. i was so skinny, skinny as a rail, they said i would never be a conductor. but i showed them. i remixed Thomas the Train with Notorious B.I.G. and sent it to my would-be boss. he sent me a beautiful handwritten-with-calligraphy perfumed letter back explaining he danced to it and the reason he wanted to be a hobo ever since he was a kid was he wanted to save the planet by getting rid of all the coal in the world by huffing all the coal dust.

i mean the reason i always wanted to bulk up and i took all those stupid powders was i didn't want to get my button ass handed to me everyday. i didn't want to be thrown against my locker like a ragdoll and have to pee through a pump. back then i wanted to live. i wanted to grow up big and strong with muscles to protect myself from the world and LIVE MY DREAM!!! of becoming a gas-station attendant.

BONUS: are you good at getting what you want?

of course not, why do you think i'm a blogger?...

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