President Bump: Colleen Coyle? huh? this doesn't make sense, she has a Southern accent but she believes in science...
Pence: sir please stop hugging me. no really.
Bump: when can you let me out of here so i can go play golf?
Pence: there are still two more people who have made fun of you today, sir. not including me. the smelly hippie from Twitter and that black woman.
Bump: *oooooh* i was doing my Stephen A Smith voice there, like my impression? i'm bad. like LL Cool J. i'm good with voices, i have a lot in my head. i'm working on. when i hosted SNL i asked Lorne if i could become a regular member of the cast. Lorne owes me greens fees. yeah i hate comedians. comediennes especially, they have a special power over me. black ones, too. blue comics are okay. cos i couldn't be a comedian in New York in the '80s when i was coming up. i wanted to be one so badly, but i was so big i couldn't fit through those cramped club doors. they all had bricks it was hard for me. Mike, imagine me, me, doing a standup routine, with the hair and the mic and everything...
Pence: glue my watery eyes shut.
Bump: i killed. literally. up on stage. i felt free up there. i could say anything, this was before Twitter. but nobody found me funny, which is ironic cos i've used this whole presidency thing as my grand standup act, my routine to end all routines, to leave em in stitches, literally. ribald and bald. if i ever go bald, Mike, kill me, right in the Oval, it'll be perfect for conspiracy theories. so this woman's best friend is Jerry Seinfeld big deal, you know i invented cereal. before people just ate toast and an orange and nothing else. orange rage it was called. she's from Jamaica? like Jamaica Queens or Jamaica the country? if it's New York i got her under my boot, i own this city. if it's the country, well, they owe us too much money before i'll stop a hurricane for them.
Pence: you still dabbing in the dark arts of hurricane-wranglin', sir?
Bump: ride em cowboy! YEEEEEE-HAAAAWWWW! did you see what i did to the SpaceX launch? that was glorious! Codrus told me i had to do it cos humans can't advance into outer space too soon, it'd be bad for the gods. the gods are getting nervous...
Pence holds out the coiled phone.
Pence: *ring ring* Twitter on line one...
Bump: you can twitter on the phone!? hello? new phone who dis?
Jack: Jack Dorsey.
Bump: Dorsal Fin!!! what up, homeslice? how's the balling of your lady? is she bald yet? last time i saw her i swear i thought she was the real Bride of Frankenstein. Coraline if she grew a pair. of eyes for buttons.
Ivanka: Jack's wife. Jack Skellington's wife. you know i was denied that part in my high-school final play before prom...
Bump: how the waves, my man?
Dorsey: longer than any of my five fingers.
Ivanka: oh damn, i didn't realize how cute you were without the beard! your fingers are damn long!
Dorsey: quarantine haircut. my ghoul i mean goil did it herself.
Bump: haha! i get it. show the A-Okay symbol with your fingers underwater so the press can't spot it.
Dorsey: yeah no i just want to inform you that i have personally banned you from twitter.
Bump: *hangdog look* but...but...how will i rant now? Twitter was the one free newspaper i owned i never had to pay libel suits on.
Dorsey: start a blog. like everyone else. it'll be slowgoing at first, but it'll pick up soon as you secure sponsors to your blog who will incentivize the clicks. there are only three sponsors who are willing to do business with you now and slide their brand to the sidebar of your page: sharkfin soup, wet markets, and underwater cameras...
the two astronauts gallantly, silently, without crowds, without fans, make the walk from the promenade to the catwalk to the clearing area to the detox room awaiting the chem spray:
Astronaut Al: this is the first shower i've taken in months. my wife would be mad at me if i had a wife. reminds me of when i was in the rubber room.
Astronaut Bundy: we're Wonder Men. you were insane, too? only crazy people go to space.
Astronaut Al: no i mean that room made of rubber at the Harry & David between the milk aisle and the sexless bathroom where you sample all the cheese.
Astronaut Bundy: i know that room, that's where i flushed my stash. NASA's no fun, they won't allow drug addicts to astronaut, but that's the best way to prepare to fly into space. i get too distracted by their payphone, it's the last payphone on earth, uses only silver dollars.
Astronaut Al: yes but did Harry call David or David call Harry on it that one last time?
Astronaut Bundy: do you pledge your sole and undying loyalty to our country?
Astronaut Al: yes. but if it gets invaded by Lord Vader i'm going to another planet. Al. Bundy. that's how they came up with his name: some writer just went alphabet, A then B. A.B....
Astronaut Bundy: i get all these millennials hitting me up on Instagram DM complaining that they've been inside for too long. we were quarantining for this mission since October before covid began!
Astronaut Al: up, we're scrubbing the launch. we must protect Elon's son. if it's inclement weather we cannot in good conscience launch Elon's son, Elon's son must be scrubbed...
at the Igloo, the crones are biting their spell fingers:
Doryce: you see it, dear?
Gladyce: yes, dear. i didn't want to bring it up it's horrible. covid will become endemic to our planet.
Doryce: we must do something.
Gladyce: i eradicated smallpox from our world. this was in the groovy times while you were still sleeping. i isolated it cos i could see it from all the other viruses out there. virusii? you know how you can spot a cute little teacup dog from amongst the crowd at the park cos it's so tiny and small and cute? so the pox was a cinch.
Doryce: so do the same for this one.
Gladyce: there's hope. there is hope. cos it's cute. the coronavirus looks like a cute little cat toy. so i will be able to isolate it with my fourth eye, my third eye needs glasses. my eyes are old but keen, they've been rinsed with the eyedrops of the waterfall that created the Nile River. and with one stroke, one twirl of my finger, covid turns into Fruity Pebbles!
there's a knock at the igloo brick. it's the cat familiars.
Doryce: come in the door's fine. got too bored at The Treehouse?
cats: we'd just like to extend our paw to you, Miss Gladdy, great job taking care of that whole rinderpest thing.
Gladyce: oh yes that thing was a pest. ugly as hell. now it's ugly as heaven. and it didn't taste like orange juice at all!!!
Doryce: whaddaya know, i'm fucking a doctor.
Doryce continues biting her fingers.
Gladyce: what is it now? don't worry, i leave one piece of trash in the recycling bin to remind me i need to empty out the recycling bin each day, if there was nothing in it i wouldn't notice the bin. the only bitch is that piece of trash freezes solid and sticks to the bin overnight...
Doryce: cold.
Cecily Strong and Pete Davidson are the only two New Yorkers left. on Staten Island. they lie down on a completely empty barren road---those famous streets New York City is known for, two-lane but with bicycle and trolley paths it ends up being packed like a sardine five-laner---and talk to each other not looking at each other, looking only up at the sun as they each occupy the other lane of opposite incoming traffic:
Cecily: are the towers still blinking red? i hope this road's not the bridge. it's so nice here. not too hot, breezy. are the statins working for your covid?
Pete: i'm not sick i just look sick. waiting for the chalk man to trace your outline for the residents?
Cecily: it's not for the tourists that's for sure. this was originally two yellow lines.
Pete: but it had to become two white lines...
Cecily: and now it's a yellow, a white, a red, a green, and a blue line. the street of the future. what will happen to streets when flying cars come? New York City should just be called The City...
Pete: January Jones really redeemed herself. giving out her phone number to the general public like that. posting her digits because she willfully wanted to talk to depressed people. that gets her off the hook for being the worst Saturday Night Live host of all time, gets ME off the hook...
Cecily: take it from me, talk therapy with a celebrity's voice works better than just talking to your uncle who's a fish psychologist at SeaWorld.
Pete: i know i'd never do that, i'd just get all the crazies...
Cecily: i'd just get all the men...
Pete: so...…...are you leaving? Vegas odds has determined which one of us leaves the show first. you or me. i'm so into gambling again after the Jordan doc, it invigorated me to start playing with my life again.
Cecily: i saw your new movie at my private theatre, it was cool. it's easy to write a film script when it's just your life, you don't have to think. i still wish you would have used the scene i wrote, the one with the infamous encounter i had at that Chicago bar with Stu...
Pete: yeah didn't want it cut but that was above my pay grade. they said that scene was too graphic and too humiliating, to the point of being too unbelievable that audiences wouldn't recognize that as human behavior. the producers' exact note was:
people want to be uplifted during this time...
Takahashi and Dirg are discussing bands in the empty school parking lot at night with the windows open. and the doors open, both doors of the Isuzu Elf are open with both men hanging their legs out and cocks out over their jeans as they talk with their tongues out. make that all three doors are open, the van door in the back, too...
Dirg: what a waste.
Takahashi: i liked Pinkerton tho. you should, too, it's about striking out in college.
Dirg: if Weezer had done what Rivers originally wanted to do for the followup to their debut masterpiece, the space opera, EVERYTHING would have changed! their trajectory would be a rocket blast! their runway the Ramones. the hiatus would have never happened, those painful five years to disintegrate bonds, to destroy momentum, for friendship and fulfillment to fracture. they would have held the Original Four beatles together in which they achieved their greatest success, it's been downhill ever since. have you seen the cover to Songs from the Black Hole?
Tyson, deGrasse Tyson: yes.
Dirg: it's fucking cool with the girl with the blonde ponytail riding that rocket like a Kubrick movie, that would have been their Mellon Collie! The Kitchen Tape would have been their Incesticide! i cringe whenever i see the video to "El Scorcho" with the fab four dancing to that wretched tune, it's just so much waste of what could have been.
Takahashi: it's sad when bands break up, four men in a band should be brothers, a squad, not be fighting internally in a circular firing squad. their war is with the world not each other. Matt Sharp looks like that football player in '80s sitcoms who comes around and eventually befriends the skinny nerd he's bullied all those years. Patrick Wilson wouldn't be playing tennis and inventing the high-five now. Patrick Wilson is the only drummer who looks cool actually stopping playing and putting his sticks down in the middle of the song and giving a wry winking smile to the camera.
Dirg: did you do the surveillance? did you dust the package for fingerprints?
Takahashi: yeah no i don't get girls like that.
Dirg: her name is Madame Pons. i mean….that's a kinky name! is she an escort?
Takahashi: i heard she's a witch so i wouldn't get too close...
Dirg: i'm always on the lookout for traps. do you think it'll work out between us?
Takahashi: well you have to actually feel. you're a Christian so you believe in magic which is the first step...
Dirg: i gotta start small. as in small feet. i can only handle docile cute tiny Asian girls at the moment with my diminished skills. my diminished taming skills from the virus. for protesting the virus so many times. you know there's this thing called ballet in which they bind feet also?...
Takahashi: these are people, not tigers for a king. you know you could learn a LOT from Rivers Cuomo's story, he's really into Japanese culture. like REALLY into Japanese culture. and not just anime, Madame Butterfly, too...
Dirg: i don't trust that New York family. besides, no red-blooded Italian can be a celibate Buddhist...
Cotard: monks are monks in their own way.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: Rafe Spall......if they ever finally get around to doing the books when Harry Potter's an adult...do not wait for Daniel to grow up...wait, commercials?
Dirg: yeah that one "controversial" commercial with the giant Titan white hand shoving around moving around the tiny black man like a chess piece around the street. nothing to see here, folks.
Laertus: there wouldn't be cept that white hand is giving the A-Okay symbol...
Dirg: 'tis a flick, a flick!!!
Eye Luggage: Bubblegum Crisis and go. i thought this was gonna be an '80s movie...how about just the first episode...first two episodes...
Dirg: why is it called Bubblegum Crisis tho.
Laertus: i've thought long and hard about this. i guess it's cos when the Boomers explode their insides look like chewed stringy stretchy bubblegum. or that the women appear bubblegum-cutesy but are badasses when you get them in their exoskeletons.
Dirg: crisis of faith? it's what's on the insides that counts, ladies, so don't be hard to me. i want to see these chicks fight naked. i mean without the aid of their suits, bareknuckle. i dunno it's all just an amalgam meld melt of Terminator, Macross, Robotech, Voltron, Mario Bros, and Care Bears.
Eye: all cyberpunk stems from the brainstem of one mustached mind who was a supreme Dick. his friends called him Phil. K for ketamine.
Dirg: his only real friends were in his head...
Laertus: some say his brain was the first workable cyberbrain...
Dirg: do all '80s songs sound like Jem or does Jem sound like all '80s songs? always allow a woman to speak her truth, her story, on the county steps, it'll avoid a scene. the only black person in all of Japan is the police chief?
Rubikon: hey. hey. i concede, i really do. to my man Biden the joe. i bow to Biden, unite the country. he can have it, i'll be his follower, not just on Twitter. i'll go to war for this man, not just on a steelmill football field. i mean what he said, that's WAY more powerful coming form HIM than ME...
Laertus: this is true woman power! early power! think the Spice Girls as crimefighters. hey i want an office like that, an office with a bed in it.
Dirg: oh come on dude!, why is that dude simping over that singer chick? she might as well be the first Instagram model...
Eye: she's got the '80s big hair! well, hair in a big poof. in the future of the '80s, all dudes wear leather jackets, sneakers, rollerblade sunglasses, and talk on screen phones. i'd rather have the screen phones now than iphones...
Dirg: never call in the army. the army is for EMERGENCIES only. do NOT deploy the army for covid!, the army is too valuable for that! do not send out for secrets! when are you coming home, daddy?, this computer only has one game. ginger and loli discrimination. yeah see? the ginger is good for gay-man love, his hair is red after all. hey, no smoking while driving. be safe, don't look cool. this is like if the Childlike Empress had no clue...
Eye: Japan's obsession with being young, looking young. for a Japanese woman in anime, there's no greater insult than being called an old lady. an auntie. that's worse than getting covid.
Dirg: so sad that they actually get us invested in a girl character only to watch her die, and she really stays dead. that's a bummer. see? Lady Wolverine is not supposed to be nice, she's still Wolverine. don't sweat it, girl, save that for your aerobics, marrage is a bummer. i could have written her better. why am i talking about this? Eye?
Eye: aerobics classes, HUGE in the '80s. like the glass and the legwarmers. i thought it was lame cos my mom did it so i didn't. but she only did it cos grandma did it. looking back, i should have done it, would have added more tendon juice to my bed sessions now...
Laertus: another great fear in '80s anime: humans beings not being human beings. that the purpose of human life was to be weapons at the whim of governments...
Dirg: this is a call to all the women out there: wear leotards again!!!
Dirg: Laertus cover your girl's eyes for the hanging pigs in the shop...
Dirg: how do they maintain their secret business if they let all those millions in cash burn in secret factory fires? how do they make money? do they have a secret benefactor?
Laertus: it's like life, good buddy, you gotta trust that you're gonna get the money on the backend once your aborted series that was supposed to be 13 episodes but ended up just 8 somehow balloons into a billion-dollar franchise operating out many movies, spinoffs, and serieses. seriesii? with all the money they have now they should finish those five episodes...
Eye: g'night, folks. remember kids, don't put off for tomorrow ANYTHING you can do today. if you can do it today, DO IT TODAY. you never know when that next power outage is coming...
Dirg: can goths be patriotic?...
the three buddies are at the vending machine at the school front at night thinking up a special drink for the prom:
Julie: a shake? a twist on the shake?
Pat: malt? a malted i mean?
Michael Weiss: you have to determine if that one guy you follow on Instagram is a genius or just crazy...
Julie: for as long as i can remember, even before i was born, i saw the image of nostalgia. i saw that HUGE bottle of garlic salt on the pantry of our school kitchen. the lunchroom smelt wonderful of lavender and sage and wiccan incandescent scent. but soon the green stench became overpowering. kids got respiratory diseases. that block of garlic salt just stood there, batch after batch, year after year, four-year bunch after four-year bunch, never moving, never dissipating, never evaporating. just becoming more coagulated, a more hardened brick of itself, an immovable cylinder of garlic salt. no matter how many spaghetti dinners Lunchlady Lois coiled around her ladle, it was never enough, the salt never ran out. but YOU can finally break the chain, solve the salt scratcher, my sweet.
Julie takes Pat by the fingers and puts them to her heart.
Julie: i feel it right HERE.
Pat: no it's all you, all you.
Julie: what was that new contraption you were working with at your home kitchen when your mom is away?...
Pat: oh it's better than a stand mixer, it's this thing called a blender! blender. yeah i decided to clear my refrigerator one day and threw the kitchen sink in a blender. the rest of the bad lunchlady missing-kids milk that sits out on the pantry one day too long we never drink, a couple strawberries, a handful of cute little blueberries, a banana not cos it looks funny but cos i can't stand potassium, and voila! i call it a smoothie cos it goes down smooth.
Mike: damn, i thought i was smooth...…...i'm the only person in the entire school taking French...
Julie: brils, boi! smoothie! you win! the prom wins! but you must clear the salt.
Pat puts the rest of the garlic salt in the smoothie. all nine decades of it. he takes a sip...…...it's sweet...
Pat: *smiles* see? you did this. i stole a kiss from you as i drank it. your tongue can turn the foulest of breaths sweet...
Mike: breaths full of hate speech...
Pat: you make EVERYTHING sweet...
Pat: sorry, i might have incidentally touched my tongue to yours, just trying to collect and sample your drops and drips of the drink. how you tasted it.
Julie: oh that wasn't stealing a kiss, honey, i meant it!
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