WET SHAPES ARE WATERPROOF

learned:

* skip past this commercial

* we cured polio and schizophrenia, so...

* this is Sesame Street on acid (a show already on acid).

* kids, please learn your shapes elsewhere. like your parents or something. the shapes don't want you seeing them like this.

* you don't want that mime talking, he has a filthy mouth.

* that's not a golden phone. that's the Tolkien Golden Ring to Rule Them All. it's a novelty phone. no phone is circle-shaped.

* the telethon format died with Jerry Lewis.......along with all of the film camera innovations Jerry invented, everyone just uses youtube to film everything now.

* R.I.P. Jerry Lewis. spoiler: the Anonymous Donor is Jerry Lewis.

* the Anonymous Donor's name? Deus Ex Machina, Demi for short.

* if you don't close the funding gap, you won't have the thigh gap.

* where's my 20 million dollars?

* that's not a scientist, that's just a gentleman in a coat that happens to be white. it's cold out.

* Roger: you don't know me, but i've been alive since 1962. i didn't actually discover the Wet Shapes, i just made commercials for them.

* Roger: they're alive. they're interconnected. and capable of bestowing upon you the most profound love imaginable. they feed on your black soul.

* 2017 girls in '80s clothes: TAKE US BACK TO THE '80S!!! THERE'S NOTHING HERE FOR US!!!

* filmed on location at the Jimmy Carter Ranch

* Roger: i like to play around with my Wet Shapes. no lubrication required. you can't do this with a goldfish.

* 79 years. he died from happiness. life goals.

* swiss cheese. but swiss cheese tastes better than regular cheese. it's the holes.

* Mr. Bingo has a Barbie collection

* Metallica's new album. Halo 1000.

* the Anonymous Donor's voice isn't screeching, the magic phone's connection is bad.

* hostess: Lesley Sovereign is hot. did i just blurt that out?

* why do all hardened criminals come from New York?

* parole officer: i didn't recognize you without your black jumpsuit. take that garish orange thing off.

* parole officer: one more question: is that officer behind you real or a cardboard standee?

* Lesley removes the white sheet. there's nothing underneath...

* Lesley: my name is Lesley Sovereign and this is my story. i was a degenerate who liked to steal degenerative diseases. now i am free to pursue my true calling: being a goth.

* host: Lesley's boyfriend Trent Reznor coming out with the trophy. wearing his traditional bistre T shirt. this is NOT a participation trophy, folks, you have to go to jail to earn this trophy.

* mood whiplash

* host: this is dire, folks. the Wet Shapes are starting to coagulate into the Jello i ate as a kid.

* Rhea Perlman

* Cicely Tyson

* that's not pee, that's yellow liquid Jello.

* spoke too soon. or rather we spoke too soon, he didn't. remember, all she said was, "it's him." lesson learned.

* ever since the election the Anonymous Donor went underground and became Anonymous and shunned all globalist banks.

* even the mime's taking it hard. tho you can't tell.

* Emerald Capricorn: i am Emerald Capricorn. my part of Full Metal Alchemist was cut.

* Obama: where have i been? taking a long bath.

* Mask was a masterpiece. it affected me even as a small child in the '80s who didn't understand the plot or the words, i felt his face and the trauma of his life.

* it's not a cult if it works

* Busby Berkeley vibes

* Emerald: it didn't work cos the castle in the tank was upside-down.

* bring back ER. Chicago Med is just a cop-out.

* cry into your fishbowls. cry those magic anime tears.

* host and hostess: there was an explosion in the studio and the Wet Shapes are saved! the terrorists' plan backfired!........wait, i'm being told in my ear that this is simply a new set of water toys.

* mime: i like a little chocolate in my milk.

* host and hostess: wait, where's Lesley?
Lesley: i'm dead. my plan backfired.
hostess: i really wanted to kiss you. host, hip-bump me, i'm desperate.

* Metallica: sing for your supper, mime.
mime: *singing* wet love/ when a kiss just isn't enough...

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happy weekend, my babies