Thursday, November 9, 2017


Maldark: i see you're doing extra. just don't have a suspicious smile on your face when you talk about insurance and stuff, that's all. don't enjoy it so much. and clean up the Pabst Blue Ribbon cans lining the crime scene at your house, they ran out of yellow tape and used your cans to mark the crime scene. with my father it was different. dad was my hero. he took me out every Sunday after Mass to get Wolfgang Puck soup in a can. it was a special flavor they only sold at specialty nutrition stores. i believe my dad was the first health nut of this country. Old Potato it was called. they discontinued the brand when i adulted but my adulation for it never ceased. until last week when i spotted one at the Store. i know i know i was agape. but when i returned with my groceries, the can wasn't there. i swore i checked it out, but apparently i subconsciously put it back onm the shelf for being too expensive. i was incensed at myself. Old Potato was the only connection i had left with my dad.

there's a rumble in the kitchen. coming from the cupboard. the other purple cat is hiding squeezed in tight inside an opened empty can of soup.

Maldark: this is a revelation, who knew cats could fit in something that small? they really love those boxed spaces huh. and also, THIS IS MY OLD POTATO!!! from long ago, this is the very can my dad served me. i am starving. but the memory in this hand will sustain me.


Rose McGowan is finishing an impassioned speech at the Weather Channel in front of a passing typhoon.

Rose: i win. cos i have a spaceship. all these years you treated me like an alien. but i now sublime into my full womanly powers. as you can see i am rising off this crooked beach. i am leaving this carcass of a rock. you are stuck here forever to eat each others' flesh till there are no more shames. you will die with the lie. you'll miss me when i'm gone. you could have had me when i was innocent. i am too special for this world. i belong amongst the stars. my body is my spaceship.

Rose floats out into space and, before disappearing, touches the hand of her fellow traveler, a flying Sinead O'Connor a bit tipsy from the weightlessness and cos she used the typhoon.

Rose: D'arcy was one of us, too, sisters of space, alien on a strange planet making noise. she should have stayed together with Jim Iha. it's easy to see that now in retrospect. make no mistake. do not be deceived. we are risen into the outer galaxy. what you mortals perceive as lightning we know to be true. it's not space lightning, it's sprites. i am with my people. i am whole and magic again.


Bump: *watching* who's on my watch? a beautiful yellow woman is trying to sell me a line.

the Mooch: that's Annette Figueroa.

Bump: figures. she's got a figure on her sure. Annette was never this funicello. where are you?

the Mooch: on the floor of the stock exchange...of the Virginia House of Delegates. sir, whatever it was you wanted me to do here, it ain't workin'.

Bump: get your ass over to our caravan. the Mall of Dubai is low prices! help me pick out an Orietntal mall rug. i want to try something.


back at class:

Maldark: what do you know? it's Art Week! i trust you all insured your A with your art projects this week? who wants to start?

Deen: i'm doing my traditional happy dance cos i got parole. i'm studying to get my pizza-truck license.

Maldark: i put in a good word with the real cops. as long as you're staying with me you're going places, kid. in my Pinto. get to work.

Less is absent.

Kelechi: i molded some clay into large blocks around my house.

Maldark: uh i believe they were made of cinder. that's the government intruding again.

Kelechi: why is there always construction? it's so constricting. i'm not much for art. but i took a picture. i'm getting into photography.

Halwa: i origami'd a number of large sanitary wipes.

Kelechi: that's my girl. we artists. it runs in the family genes.

the burly guy with the beard on his chest: i did a cosplay. as a hobbit. or the ogre who ate all the hobbits.

Maldark: don't sell yourself short, friend. you may be a regular-sized hobbit with an eating disorder. these things aren't always about the lack of impulse control.

 Maldark: Kelechi did you bring the Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios? they're not for the experiment, i'm just hungry. my project is this simple glass of water you see before you.

burly guy: what's so special about that?

Maldark: i'm glad you asked, Fat Hobbit. let's go outside to my car. oooh, the Pinto's new paint job is coming along nicely. simply pour the water into the gastank. turn the ignition and voila, it runs. it's water gas.

the class oohs and aahs.

Halwa: we're sure to win the race!

Maldark: this same water couldn't get out the crusty ring of bright yellow that encircles the back of my ear. i've showered for days and still nothing. it stains me like gold back there. i scratch and flakes fall off but it remains. it's painful, not itchy. don't count your chickens before they've laid eggs.


at FBI Headquarters, Intendo scours the long hall looking for a dark portal. he enters the room at the end. the one with the stained glass door and no knob.

a hooded figure is seated back turned to an oil painting of a mirror.

hooded figure: refresh.

Intendo: we think he's a Man from the West. his father certainly was.

hooded figure: and his end?

Intendo: Head, we got nothing. but it's most certainly a Death Star weapon that will wipe us and all our enemies out at the first opportunity. we could impound his car?

hooded figure: that's a bit heavyhanded. we shun notice. leave him to me. take him off your hands. i'll take him for awhile. i like to take things slow.

Intendo: if only we had the key.

hooded figure: oh but we do, my fine Fed. take the rest of the day off. enjoy yourself and secure your outermost regions. never let it be said i wasn't a compassionate boss. the last thing we need is another witness pile. it's good to be paranoid, but it's not good to be paranoid of being paranoid.


Jules said...

Old Potato. It even sounds like childhood nostalgia. I want to read a book called Old Potato. Write it.

the late phoenix said...

that's a brilliant idea, mah dahlin. why are all children's books written by adults? children's books should be written by children...*)