Comey: Ashley cracked the case! you two bumbling idiots could have never accomplished what only Ashley could.
Mueller: hey! i resemble that remark. it's not about achievement, it's about getting the job done. i tried to be spicier but you can only work with what you've got.
the tiny guy raises his arms, which no one can see. the spotlight trains on him and almost burns the poor mini-man to death.
Steele: i am Christopher Steele.
no one in the circus knows who that is.
Ashley: my son! sorry, it's become a reflex at this pont.
Steele: the famed spy?
Comey: that would be me.
Mueller: we had a backup plan y'know. if all else failed we would have disguised Chris here as a bowling pin and joined the circus bowling team.
Comey: they discontinued that act last Wednesday. turns out none of the clowns were good athletes. that's why they were clowns and not acrobats.
Mueller: we got Pitino, so.................i'm ready for a drink.
Ashley: not so fast, buddy, you're driving. you promsied me a ride.
Mueller slunks in his grey blazer.
he takes the couple and his faux son up the woods to the midland meadows of a quaint little aqua-walled lean-to overlooking the onlook overlap of crimson trees and buried apples by the millpond. there, the water is black and the wheels are turning.
Ashley: we're not so green anymore. but we stll try to harmonize our living space with nature. borrowed scenery.
Comey: i know. i live here.
Comey rings the bells. on the floor of the porch.
a woman slides her eyes in the mail slot.
woman: password.
Comey touches his penis.
they enter.
Comey: no, i only did that cos my dick is still sore. meant no offense. reflex. the password is 720.
Comey's wife outstretches her hand.
wife: Jim was always a failed skateboarder.
Comey: still pouring water at the lodge?
Mueller: let's all have a seat on the sofa. Chris can serve as the seatcushion.
Ashley kisses her wife on the mouth.
Ashley: i conducted an undercover sting on you, Jim. for that i am not sorry. within this current climate it was my only recourse. no affair is current. we women won't take it anymore. you were cheating on this poor woman with me so i went covert to see who she was and in the process of interviewing her and gathering dirt on you in case you ever triplecrossed me i fell in love with this noble sweet lady of a past age. and for that i am sorry. between Virginia wheat and afternoon tea i fell in love with her love for you.
Comey: did you wear a wire in your blouse everytime we made love? cos i'd like to buy those tapes off you for posterity. and your posterior.
Comey: wait a minute, you long-conned me? me? the ultimate spy? America's first spy?
Ashley: journalism needs to be painstakingly thorough these days. purposeful journalism. painful journalism. i got tripped up on her downhome charm and farm witticisms i could never understand. but you know me, i researched it and i have a solution.
Comey: i can't believe i didn't see it before. you wore all those ties to the roller derby. what color are your eyes, Ashley? brown or blue?
Ashley: it doesn't matter, just kiss me, you fool. my face is not as fresh anymore.
Ashley kisses Comey and sits inbetween him and his wife on the couch.
Ashley: i'll marry you and your wife! it could work. throughout the course of this caper i stopped hating you, Comeycakes. i really am in love with you. and your wife what's your name again? it doesn't matter. i just can't decide between the two of you, it's a tie.
Comey: who gets the ring?
Ashley: me. all three of 'em. we shall live in wedded bliss. the three of us under one rustic roof. my prairie-home companions. it's just i don't want any secrets among us anymore, you know? let's do all our cheating out in the open.
Comey: is this legal in our state?
Ashley: Washington's not a state.
____________________________
Lourdes Figueroa comes in to work the next morning in a red wig and doesn't show her butt once while reciting the temps. the climate has changed.
________________________________
back at the house, Maldark does not pick up one thing. he sees the garbagemen milling about the hole that is his domicile.
Maldark: you were once garbage men. now you are trashmen. i proudly missed you on Black Friday for Friday pickup.
the men: yeah we figured the Black Friday insanity would clog the roads and our big trucks could never get through. so we came on Saturday. except we didn't. we're officially on strike. we don't pick up trash anymore.
Maldark: so you're quitting your jobs at the FBI?
the men: yeah we want to become surfers. nice tennis shoes.
Maldark: just pick up my trash, aye?
Maldark waits for them to circle out of it and slides up the flagpole at the front of his home. except it is not a flagpole. it is a stick of truth. it is the Sword of Saad, blended perfectly with its surroundings. it glows fiercely upon contact with Maldark's skin. a yellow as starry as the sunniest star. he affixes the Sword under the axel of the DeLorean and flames it to the starting line. the Bentley Azure has joined the proceedings. Maldark finished the race the moment he touched the Sword. the speed of light is now new and incalculable and infinitesimal.
the class race to hug their teacher.
Kelechi: what did you do?
Maldark: oh added some cherries. when everycar else was turning their horns into klaxons which only spouted that song about the racist cockroach who ate ice cream, my horn played Mozart's Turkish March. and other stuff. music is my fuel.
the driver of the Bentley Azure brungles out and removes his motorcycle mask. his footsteps are doom. it is the mind-trembling facade of Codrus.
Codrus: got you. i knew you'd crawl out of your hole eventually. i have a sixth sensor about these things. you couldn't bear to let your class or the facility faculty bear witness to the awesome power of the Stones. that Sword is mine!!!
Mr. Maldark runs. he runs and runs and runs. past the Los Angeles Gate and around the entire globe to the Peking Bridge and the orange-heart buoy which divides us all. he runs so fast and out of frame the picture has a hard time catching up. he uncorks cloverleaf highways and turns dirt roads gold. he takes a moment for a special step from the top of the chainlinked edge of the school proper to the outside street property, a culvert now dry with vegetation that is a tricky jump to land. after all his running in the opposite direction he takes one last leap to the finish line and runs right into Codrus's arms back at the school.
Codrus laughs one short ugly laugh and smiles with a sniggering slimeation. he is a normal-sized person but appears to have a humongous head that is the image of a vision. he takes the flag which flew courageously and hesitatingly atop Maldark's roof and burns it openly on the school grounds with a snap.
Codrus: how does it feel, Maldark? to see the flag burning.
Maldark: it is my flag. i completed it. i sang the entire Anthem on the way over here. in my head.
the Sword drops from Maldark's hands onto the pavement.
Mr. Maldark disappears.
THE LATE PHOENIX: I WANTED TO BE FAMOUS. INSTEAD, I HAVE THIS BLOG.
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