Wednesday, November 8, 2017


at the National Anthem, Wolfgang Puck does it. he sings it, nobody knew that about him, but his accent is so thick nobody knows what he's trying to say. he finishes the piece and drops the mic gently on the wet grass. the crowd is stunned silently. there's a moment of silence for one minute and then a "thank you" distants ethereally from afar. Wolfgabg disappears into thin air vut not before becoming a wolf.

Wolfgang: i turned into a lothwolf! cool! but it still would have been cooler to turn into Eddie Van Halen's son. that's the dutchboy everyone wants to be.


the two fugutives ride shotgun in the armored police car back to Maldark's bungaloo which has essentially been hollowed out. Intendo is asleep on the wheel.

Intendo: here. why is it always night?

the two purple cats are extremely agitated when Maldark returns. they never leave his side, pacing around his damaged famished legs and entering clandestine cottage holes under the floor of the home. but they quickly spring up again and race to be by his side, with a worried look on their faces, mewing and panting, concerning his every step, blocking his every move.

Maldark pours himself some apricot juice with a heavy dose of ginger into his mug already cracked with cocoa ring at the bottom.

Maldark: come, son, lay me your troubles.

Maldark: excuse me, my watch is ringing, need to get this. hello? so did you figure out what's causing that rancid fried potato vinegary smell emanating from my house? the open air does nothing to recede it.

Comey: it's your cat food. Newman's Own. smells like french fries. also, Neil Newman is hot, i checked the package.

Maldark: thanks, Jim. see? the FBI will be good again. Mulder and Scully are coming back soon. now what are your men doing! you're making a mess!

the Feds confiscate all of Maldark's Maxfield Parrish paintings off the remaining accent wall.

Intendo: what are you yellow of? us finding your plans? what do you have behind these paintings? underpaintings and overpaintings and afterpaintings? let me guess. and a compartment behind the painting whence lies the blueprints. sic 'em, boys.

the agents tear open all the art and find one of the purple cats inside. she viciously scratches their tongues out.

Intendo: that must've hurt.

Maldark: you never deserved art like that. your kind could never understand it. i am flummoxed and too tired to react. dammit get your flat feet off you're getting rub burns all over my linoleum. you've spilled my cats' water bowl! you spilled my cats' dry food all over the carpet! you're making a mess! AND YOU SAID YOU'D PICK UP MY TRASH ON FRIDAY! YOU DIDN'T! THE CANS ARE STILL THERE!!! I PAY GOOD TAXES SO I DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP MY OWN TRASH!!!

there's spooky cat screeching and muffled fighting blows. but it's coming from outside.

Intendo: we came on Friday. the green can wasn't there.

Maldark: YES IT WAS! YOU MISSED IT! PLAIN SIGHT. YOU WERE DRUNK AND LOOKING TO BLAME. hey don't drop that crate of Sun Valley eggs! those are my only eggs! do you know how much eggs cost!!!

Comey: sorry, Maldark, i got another call. yes, honey? where are you? the circus is bleeding. the bearded lady quit in protest. care to volunteer?

Ashley Parker is enjoying yellow tea with a woman in an orange camelwool sweater and beady glasses. she lies down on the ottomon.

Ashley: babe, i'm in the crowd. don't you see me? it's a circus out there. i see you. you're having a difficult show. i'm still getting a lay of the land. talk to you, do you mind if i lie down? it's been a hectic day. oooh that's comfortable. what was Jim like as a child?

Deen: excuse me, Mr. Maldark, i need to take and understand this. what up, dude?

Less: i'm really not doing well. i feel all spacey and disoriented and rudderless. where are you? my mom's in the hospital. should i visit her or let her recover first?

Deen: hey, bro, at least your parent has a chance. i'm in boilng oil over here.

Less: sure. sorry. never mind me. make sure to put on suntan lotion.

Maldark: where were we before rude interruptions? have a seat.

Deen: sir, is it weird that you have two toilets?

Maldark: i do a lot of thinking. you know you see those pictures of properties after major hurricanes and the only thing left standing is the toilet? it feels good to let it all out.

Deen: my problematic situation or my poop?

Maldark: need a laxative? it's the only pills i have left in my cupboard.

Deen: i didn't murder my pops no matter what the cops say. it was a grim coincidence. i crashed his car into the living room the moment he collapsed into his tv pizza face-first watching golf and passed away. the cart died, too. i'm not ashamed to admit i felt ashamed. because i felt good. it wasn't a sad occasion. for the first time in my life i felt truly free, unburdened and chainless to pursue my real passion, making pizzas. i had the money also not having to pay for his dialysis. i opened up my very first Domino's. i treat the circle of dough like a canvas. the sauce is saudade red paint and the cheese is chalk. the meatballs are balls, my depiction of balls.

Maldark: is pizza a sandwich?

Deen: sure. bread and meat.

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