Wednesday, November 29, 2017


Kelechi is mesmerized. she picks up the Sword of Saad. her arms are burning with yellow fire but her cells are already dead so she doesn't feel anything anymore. she takes the point of the sword and fits it into the keyhole of the locked trunk of Mr. Maldark's car. perfect match. inside is his manifesto and a large collection of driver's permits and tests taken by him and scored 100 and land deal deeds and replacement licenses and stamped algebra homework and FBI files on FBI members and a hobbit stick and everything that could ever help his students, all signed by Maldark who forged the signatures of each of his class.

Kelechi: that man was class. gather round, young and old and god alike.

the students form a circle and sit down outside. Kelechi reads Maldark's final note the best she can, many scribbles fitted into two sides of one sheet of paper.

Kelechi: basically what Mr. Maldark was getting at was he thought all of the world's problems stemmed from everyone driving. cars are tools of destruction. he thought the only way to bring all the people together verily once and for all was for us to ditch our cars and start walking again, everywhere, hand in hand. it would create long conversations again. we would have to rely on strangers again to see us through our journeys. stop in a weird house and rest your head on a sawdust pillow. soothe your aching feet in a swamp. be in favor of furloughs. close all the grocery stores and bring back the barter system. he does not address the problem of milk. social media has destroyed society, we've forgotten how to talk in favor of typeface. we swim in scandal, not speech. that is what will bring the environment back. even Ron. he proposes the construction of a permanent pedestrian mall, despite recent events. repave over all the streets and replant all the roads. then the middle section gets a bit rambly and dicey and crazy i won't bore you with the details. he finishes strong with this final note:

my people, I hope where you're going, there are never roads...


Kelechi puts down the note and climbs into the backseat of the Pinto crackling with yellow electricity. it flies in a split second to Myanmar, flapping its gullwing doors. Codrus is still laughing and doesn't notice the Saad.

at Myanmar, the Pope is visiting for the first time.

the Pope: Rohingya. there, i said it.

the Pope plants a filthily wet passionate kiss on Kelechi's lips.

the Pope: was that inappropriate?

Kelechi: *stunned* yes. but you are the Pope.

Lawrence O'Donnell is there, too, working on desks for young girl students.


Pope: need a few more bent nails. we all fall short of the glory. and a saw that sings. why are you here?

Kelechi: to take us all back to Burma...


at the studio, Brian Williams is on-air with shades on and is air-drumming to his own show's theme.

Brian: is there anyone left to do the news? can i do the drums for real one time? producer? forget it, you have to be drunk to play drums. dammit where's Matt? he said he'd join me for a drink after work. that's not cool to ditch me like that. where's Lawrence? our first guest is, wow, President Bump. well sorta.

President Bump is a hologram now.

Bump: yeah give it a rest, Tom! whoa, what happened to me? i'm transitioning. where are the bubbly British babes from the BBC? don't tell them i'm blue.

Black Widow stains a towel with red brine and tips it onto a long spear. she then sops Bump's mouth with the substance.

Bump: what is this, wine?

Black Widow: cranberry sauce. as you can see, you're on a cross lying flat on the ground. you cannot rise.

Brian: here they are! we share a desk. no buttons. well i'm quitting. no one fun is here anymore. i always wanted to be a drummer in a band. my college had one band. Project Veritas will allow me to be anything i want to be, that's what they told me.

Rajini: Murder on the Mere! film at 11. or on your whatever anytime. would you like some cream tea, Mr. Bump?

Bump: that is one kinky drink. better not in this climate. you are so beautiful.

Rajini: that is a fact. we all know this. let's move on.

Bump: what are you wearing on your lapel there? that pin? it is so beautiful. it's an apple. Apple has taken over the world. my favorite apple is the crabapple. i love sowing Malus. i first grabbed her from behind a tree. the blonde girl.

Rajini: it is the Poppy. from the War.

Bump: you can call me that.

Rajini: anything else i can do for you this final evening?

Bump: now that you mention it: a blue squall parka, one of those Tempur Cloud pillows, Dametra, Pretzelmaker, Pretzel Time will do, some Nueske's Pork, and a red-wine smile on your face.

Rajini: Joker smile?

Bump: hey the French call you guys rosbif as a joke.

Rajini: never discuss roast beef with a woman.

Bump: my cook went AWOL.


the words of Maldark's final will and testament were lost to time. nobody remembered what was his important final document on this earth. just the general sentiment of it. the students went their separate ways, not merrily. everyone took a moment out of their busy schedules to think back on what Mr. Maldark meant to their moving forward. they each took a step back.

Less works for Autoglym valeting cars. he's starting to get into the program Top Gear.

Less: i'm not into cars, but i can see that if i were into cars this show would be my orgasm. i'd watch repeats when the new ones weren't on. the grand tour will be the last tour. i would watch this, nothing else, no game shows or nothing, any hour i wasn't sleeping. they picked the three best hosts for the job. perfect fit. self-effacing Brits are the best.

Deen grew tired of surfing and instead drained all the water in all the oceans to use for water gas. he took over as the de facto owner of the Papa John franchise and bulldozered every last Papa chain store on the planet. retired early off the water gas. he now makes pizza in his kitchen and just recently became a father.

Intendo became President of SEGA cos he realized that it wasn't the distractions from his job, his job was distractions. most of his sales come from Less.

Eli Manning plays for the New York Giants.

Maldark's home location is now a patch of California wildflowers cropped up which grew to such a powerful Super Bloom that it could be seen from outer space.

Halwa calculated the safest distance a pedestrian could walk without getting hit by a car, especially one which sped up suddenly, from the grocery store to the mall. turns out it was the same all around the world.

Mr. Maldark hugs Halwa.

No comments: