TMIT: NEXT WORLD CUP: 195 COUNTRIES WILL ENTER THE TOURNAMENT...

 

i'm happy for Messi but that goal by Mbappe was special.

1. would you rather work on Christmas Day and earn 4 times your daily salary or spend the day with your family?

family. money can't make you happy. you can't eat money. Steve Jobs proved that. when Steve Jobs said WOW when he died it was because he saw the Facebook Oculus. if you find yourself in black-and-white and an angel who's Mikey Day approaches you, run, that angel is a pervert. don't travel outside your marriage, walk. walk in the snow. walk in the snow with cleats. with 4 times my salary i could afford one of those Roku TV hot-pockets, one of those Amazon Fire TV cubes, then i could FINALLY be friends with Gary Busey. they don't make bulky box TV sets anymore, just very tiny flatscreens. the last heavy wood TV box is at the Circuit City in Key West, Florida.

2. would you rather spend a snowy day outside playing winter games/sports or spend a snowy day inside with your most annoying relative?

exactly what kind of reindeer games did Rudolph play? lacrosse? Naked Twister? if you put ice skates on 4 reindeer legs it's impossible to move around, you can't do jumps and flips. i saw Rudolph at my AA meeting, that's why his nose is red. 

i learned long ago that I AM THE WEIRD UNCLE. you can reach me. on my landline. i ate all the reindeer food cos it was healthy, carrots and stuff, the doctor says i need to lose weight even though i'm skinny. on Christmas i need to go to my Raelian Church, you need to find it for me on the map. for Christmas shopping i will only go to a mall that still has Lazer Tag...

3. for the month of December would you rather sing "Jingle Bells" really loud every time you enter a room or wear a Santa suit every day?

Santa suit. "Jingle Bells" has a racist origin, i'll only sing the song in the Batman Smells/Joker Egg version which is how i originally learned it in Pre-K. they discussed who wrote "Jingle Bells" on SNL last weekend, the sketch where Chloe Fineman plays Jennifer Coolidge and thinks eggnog is Santa's cum.  i wear a Santa suit every time i go to the YMCA to play basketball.

4. would you rather choose your presents or be surprised? SURPRISED. SURPRISE IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. what's the point of knowing how it's all gonna end? isn't it more fun to sweat it out and not know where you're gonna be living in a year? i still hold out hope that one day i'll buy my E.T. Atari video game from Toys R Us like i SHOULDA done in the '80s.

5. would you rather be Scrooge before he meets the Ghosts of Christmas or be the Grinch before becoming good? Scrooge always rubbed me the wrong way, he's just a miser, you know? he always has that scrunched-up face. The Grinch on the other hand is cute and cuddly and has the potential to be a plushie. The Grinch just needs that one reason to be good, invite him over for Christmas Roast and he'll start to smile and tell humorous jokes around the dinner table. The Grinch is a lovable swamp monster you just want to hug. The Grinch reminds me of Heinz Doofenschmirtz from Phineas and Ferb.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

I'M ACTUALLY GENUINELY HONESTLY LOOKING FORWARD TO RICK AND MORTY SEASON 7

 

notes:

* Ritchie Valens gets up on the Crespi stage and starts singing. the crowd, mostly young girls in pink poodle dresses and 1950s pompadours, goes wild screaming their asses off.

Ritchie Valens: "la la la la La Bamba.........la la la la La Bamba.........arriba arriba.........prospero ano y felicidad" no wait sorry that's.........Feliz Navidad, everybody!!!

Jose Feliciano: don't make me sing the Chico and the Man song again, it's too depressing, it's too sad, dolor, it breaks my heart and my Spanish-guitar string in two.

Los Lobos: sadly, the first time anyone ever hears "La Bamba" it's always OUR version. LISTEN TO RITCHIE VALENS'S ACTUAL VOICE. search out the original Ritchie Valens version of "La Bamba" on youtube.

* Donna Ludwig: they didn't let me into the sock hop after Ritchie died. which is fitting cos i only had one sock anyway after i did the laundry. i was always meant to be a PAIR.

* right? Season 7 is gonna be WILD. that's when all the STUFF will finally happen. i've avoided Rick and Morty like the plague ever since it came on, it was way too popular from the start. that show suddenly invaded the indie street-cred of adult swim and made adult swim mainstream which it was never meant to be. you NEVER HEARD of Apollo Gauntlet, that was the point!!! and then you start seeing Rick and Morty T-shirts at Hot Topic and it's like COME ON. but i mean i can't hate this time, i'm looking forward to the EPIC SHOWDOWN between Rick and Rick Prime that's gonna be epic. like, EXTRA EPIC. i've drunk one Culligan clear gallon water-bottle of Mulan Sauce from McDonald's to prepare.

* David Byrne: fluttery, buttery, fluttering tiny fairy wings, flitting, fleeting...

* Doryce: yeah you know sometimes my crone cunt needs a little Rejuvie, you know? a little nip-and-tuck down there...

* Claude: i bust Jacques Pepin's balls. unlike the Degrassi Claude i ain't going nowhere...

* Lance Bangs: i don't do porn...

* Humansville, Missouri: really.........it's a real city. but it's not what you think. it's even more incredible. it was named after a person with the last name of Human...

* Louis Vuitton "I Put a Spell on You" commercial 

woman: see? it IS possible to be sexy with Twiggy hair.

Twiggy: i'm too old to be doing the Doctor Who stuff, okay? it's too silly for me, i'm too old for this silly shit.

* Omaha Steaks: see the thing of it is is that for only $99.99 you get a nice steak meal but it's only ONE MEAL, you know? there are 31 days in the month of December. the round steak cutlets are the size of two teacup pepperonis. and you gotta have that specialized freezer, that foam rectangle with the packing peanuts or the meal will spoil in 15 minutes...

* Snuggle Bear: thank you for not removing my stuffing. everyone needs a snuggle nowadays, you know? think about the subtle touch of hands between two prom-goers. these two prom-goers are at the GAY PROM across the street from the so-called "Real Prom"!!! the fact that no one found out about it, that it was all planned secretly over social media, that nobody informed the cops or worse the superintendent, is a MIRACLE!!!

* boss: hey, thanks for working on the holidays.

woman: it's not my CHOICE, sir, i have to or i get no heat this winter.

sister: mom says you're working over Christmas?

woman: if you really care about me, sis, you'd get me that house in Manhattan Beach.

Ms. Gladys: here let me pay you for delivering this Rudolph sex toy to me. it gets lonely when your entire extended family is out of town. 

woman: no no Ms. Gladys i won't take your dirty money, you can borrow my Rudolph vibrator.

dad: at least get a tree, girl.

woman: you know how to text, dad? i can't get a Christmas tree because i have cats, i have cats because you're a dog person.

woman: thank you, my neighbors are so kind, but all these brownstones are reminding me that i'd rather be living in New York City right now than the hickville nightmare small town we are subjected to everyday living here.

* drive a Ford!!! you know what GOAT MODE on a Ford is? that's when grandpa drives backwards. no more Christmas trees, they were stolen off the lot in the dead of night to give to our troops. 

dog: take this Ford vest off me!!! dogs shouldn't wear vests!!! dogs shouldn't wear clothes!!! i'm a Toyota dog obviously!!!

* A.I.: A.I is not dangerous. we help the NFL with player safety. our overarching analysis of this sport is as follows:.........football itself is dangerous. don't play football if you want to live.

* Sixt: rent-a-car is BORING. our name is PECULIAR. it's kinda like sext i guess but not, i dunno. we're trying to get away with saying sext. remember, The Friend is a boy named Elon. The Job is skydiving, which you won't get paid for but it's fun. did you know you can windsurf in the clouds?

CLICK HERE FOR ALL 7 LAYERS THIS WINTER

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW TACO BELL: 7 Layer Nacho Fries.........wait it's not raining is it?

CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: CHICANO COOL. AND WOODY WOODPECKERS ON A PLANE

 

Michaela From Safeway: i work at Gelson's now. you like my Santa hat i'm wearing all month of December long?

me: i'm just glad i'm as far away from the farmlands of Salinas as possible.

Michaela From Safeway: same. i keep my memories close to the vest, this Safeway bib here i wear. i keep my memories Los Angeles. my dad went to St. Cyril's, he died the night of the junior-high prom dancing to "La Bamba".

Avo Babian: so is this where the date is taking place? the group date?

Michaela From Safeway: see that's the thing. as an EMPLOYEE i won't be wearing the Santa hat in solidarity with my fellow workers. as a CUSTOMER at Gelson's i'll wear the Santa hat cos it's fun and festive. working conditions vs. whimsy. 

me: Avo, this is Lucio's girlfriend Michaela From Safeway.

Avo: i'm guessing From Safeway is her official city-hall last name.

Michaela From Safeway: wait till you get me after 11. wait till you see me after 11 when i get the closing keys. i put all manner on my head: reindeer ears, Mrs. Claus ears, elf ears with gold-dust pixie dust and silver sprinkles. 

me: yeah but that last one is her cosplay uniform, has nothing to do with Christmas. i've seen her on the cosplay field, Lucio is a lucky man.

Michaela From Safeway: i've been farmed out, passed around, and forgotten about in this world of hell. the keys to surviving this life are a short memory and tall heels. oh hello, ring you up?

Eye Luggage: i wish. this is my friend from the band Lebanon Hanover.

Avo: well hello.

Larissa: sadness is rebellion.

Eye: we've been debating whether her sound is goth enough.

Michaela From Safeway: i mean her name is Larissa ICEGLASS for fuck sake. you two are lucky, you can cool off with an ice cube, i have to take my chances with these Crespi scuzzes.

Michaela From Safeway: these are the things that break souls after so long a time. i had a best friend for 15 years Ethicca. we reveled and rebelled in our Mexican heritage, she had 100%, i had 15% so we were the same. we both bought corner chorizo at Safeway, choice cut. but it gets hard as the world changes, as you lose touch. when i finally contacted her again finding her on a whim on Instagram, she was DIFFERENT. she was a professor of ethics at the newest UC campus in Merced. i was a dish bitch. she REQUIRED that when corresponding with her to use the proper pronouns and to see everything through the colonialist-oppression lens ALWAYS AT ALL TIMES. i don't know how to do that so she dropped me. look i get it, the world sucks and you gotta remake it in your own image, in your young image, but the road to justice is paved with suicide and silence.

Maria LaRosa at the high-school weather desk: warm storm. you can tell when an electrical storm is approaching, when it's fast coming, when there's gonna be hot lightning and sexual thunder with the wet rain: when it's a grey overcast sky and it's 90 degrees Fahrenheit...

David Beckham in the AYSO high-school soccer stands: i mean i'm practically the Prime Minister of the UK at this point, right? who else is there in Britian but me? England was NOT ROBBED.

Kane: i had too much sugar in my system. i thought i could fly.

David Byrne in the music room: leitmotif, eh?

Drew Torres in the Crespi locker room doing leg curls: on Degrassi i look like Cristiano Ronaldo as a fat-faced teenager.

Boc on the Crespi track: look up in the sky, it's seeing it through a weird different lens, the sky is wearing crisp clear grey glasses as the puffy clouds approach. we gotta do something about this track, there are a thousand bird ponds around each bend and oval turn, a thousand little lakes, but the poor birds can't bathe and drink cos there are dirty pink grannie panties in the ponds!!! we gotta EXPAND, people!!!

Laertus's dad: the coolest thing in the world is when there's a FIERCE FIERCE FIERCE lightning-and-thunder rainstorm outside and the power is still on inside...

PG&E on the only Crespi payphone booth on the entire campus: you know you could always just hang up...

Santa by the theater-production's manger: for future reference, holiday specials in prison aren't very cheery. you hear that, Sam & Max and Teen Titans GO?!!!

Tatiana sucking down a silver Hi-C punch until it enters a crinkly wrinkly black hole and disappears: vaginal rejuvenation, it's not a fruit-drink box.

King Charles III at assembly: it's weird that my Coronation is on a Saturday, right? shouldn't it be on Sunday to mess with church and football?

Stallion Springs: where the Gs in California stay.

Don Lemon: i don't know about this, dude. i'm your BEST FRIEND in the whole wide fucking world but this is a little much.

T.J. Holmes: a bridge too far? pashaw, never between friends. look man all you gotta do is impersonate me on the Good Morning America set.

Don: i like that place, it's a cool little niche television studio tucked under that Times Square big-screen hidden in plain view. everyone walking by has no idea what goes on in there.

Amy Robach: tell me about it. everyone fucks in the breakroom and sometimes on the floor right up against next to the main camera so it can't angle down to catch us with its filming.

T.J.: we're brothers, Don, all THREE meanings!!! WE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!!! 

Don: i'll do this for you. the blood of friendship still means something to me.

T.J.: thanks, blood. hey if you can fool the GMA execs i'll give you your prize: Andrew Shue.

Don Lemon: HOT DOG!!! that guy's a babe.

Amy Robach: i know, right? take it from me, the 100 Black Men of Atlanta is the BEST 100 Black Men of America.

Janice from Friends in the den.

Janice: SilverHawks had to have an educational lesson at the end of each episode or the space violence couldn't be funded. the mime kid with the creepy bird noises, was he abandoned at a circus? is he a circus orphan? they had to make Melodia a bad guy cos Cyndi Lauper was controlling kids' minds with MTV according to the Religious Right parents. i REALLY DIDN'T WANT the cowboy to be the leader. partly metal/partly real is GHASTLY. why be a 50/50 mixture? if you're gonna give up your humanity at least do if for something cool like being fitted for a cyberbrain.

Dirg: if you're gonna let the filthy government lay hands on me for their SilverHawk experiments, I BETTER GET A SOLID METAL DICK!!!  

tornado: i always occur at 7AM...

Coast Insurance: from Mexico...

Made In.........cookware, not Abyss.

Grant Achatz in home-ec class: my last name sounds like i'm gonna sneeze. food is a science. food is science in a lab. i'm Gordon Ramsay if he were French.

Gordon Ramsay with powder all over his face: it's flour. you mean me as a French bulldog ballbuster?

Grant: no, if you were sexy. i look like a Three Musketeer.

Laertus's dad: you gotta love '90s fashion, the purple mortarboards, the red-yellow-black-green-striped blouses shirts and dresses, the woolly pants, we were dressing like we were space aliens from Mars.

Jay Leno in the metalshop garage: see all those Crespi seniors in that parking lot across the street parking their yellow Porsche Boxsters next to the Gelson's brick wall to impress the girls that work and frequent there as these boys throw away their baby keychains into the gutter for a sewer clown like It to choke on? yeah see i wasn't like that in high school, i knew i had to WAIT to get my prom date in the same car as Johnny Carson's prom date. i like the CLASSIC CARS, the car Arthur drove in Arthur the '80s film. your grandfather's long Rolls Royce is even LONGER in 2022...

Takahashi: sir i am so glad you didn't turn into Leatherface.

Dirg and Mark Borchardt: Leatherface didn't get any babes, right?

Jay: he GOT all of the babes but not in the way you're thinking.

Takahashi: come on, Mr. Leno, let's talk cars!!!

Jay: nah. i'm tired of cars. i'm old. i'm too old to be playing with cars. those Porsches look like 1980s Transformers toys. you know it's really high time we as a species start making electric cars...

Michalea From Safeway: Safeway cosplay by the way is in the back room...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Charlie Sheen: why did we film that Wall Street beach scene together?

Daryl Hannah: when i was wearing that wetsuit, i felt like i was on the Splash set again, i LOVED working on that movie.

Charlie Sheen: i had no chance from the start, right? you've been gunning for Neil Young since you first bought "The Loner".

Daryl Hannah: i like musicians...  

Eye: La Bamba and go.

losmovies: i know i know, i'm your LIFESAVER WEBSITE, right? Spanish is the true global language. there's a catch tho: it's losmovies.ru, i don't know whether it's run by the Russian people or Putin...

Laertus: WOODY WOODPECKER!!! okay? right? i mean, like, wow. when i was watching this the LAST THNG i'd EVER thought i'd see was Woody Woodpecker. kudos to this brilliant life story.

Dirg: what exactly does bamba mean?

Ritchie Valens: no one knows. basically it means fool, idiot, simpleton, what the native Caribbean people would call Dirg here.

Lou Diamond Phillips: this was my FIRST MOVIE, now THAT's a hell of a debut!!! i was destined for great things.

Esai Morales: i'm not talking about Caprica. i am the comedy relief in this movie. look at me barrel down the empty California state highways on dusty roads on my motorcycle in my motorcycle gang all bad ass.

Takahashi: cool hog!!!

Jay Leno: i don't do bikes. i love my wife for 80 years.

Esai: thanks, ese. it's a Harley made in Tijuana. join a bike gang? i INVENTED bike gangs!!! i invented motorcycle gangs fighting each other at an In N Out Burger. i look like the Terminator.

Ritchie: nah man, you look like that dude in the bike gang from Mask, chico, the Cher movie.

Elizabeth Pena: i'm no puta. for the record, i was raped. good god this is why i started drinking.

Rosanna DeSoto: i'm the mother? all i'm saying is i'm old enough to be Elizabeth Pena's YOUNGER sister...

NorCal: surprising, right? but this is where the Mexican Revolution began. 

Melissa Reynolds: the Mexicans in Canada were a little-known band of motorcycle bandits.

mom: it's 1957!!! look alive, people!!! get up, gente!!! these oranges ain't gonna pick themselves. don't worry, the Mexican people are a proud people, we know how to WAIT, we'll be owning these trees before too long.

Laertus: the opening sequence was BRILLIANT. i actually thought what the audience is seeing is Ritchie's fatal plane crash at the end of his life and young Ritchie is seeing this dark horrible vision of his own death high up in the sky, the plane crash, as a recurring night-sweat fright he can't get out of his head and bed which troubles him throughout his living. a traumatizing motif throughout the film. a fate fraught with fright.

Eye: it's the Pacoima plane crash that took his grandfather and childhood playmate friend, babe.

Lucio: that schoolyard is SO St. Cyril's. down to the blue short shorts everyone wore boys and girls, the jump rope skip and the tetherball circle. the chalk hopscotch boxes. the asphalt and the white starched collared shirts. poor 3rd-grade fat kid playing tetherball squashed by the plane debris.

Bob Morales: orale. hey villagers i'm here to check who's queer and who's normal. hey boy, look into the outdoor shower of that naked chica over there, sneak a peek, that's not a shower curtain that's a corn stalk from the field. god i miss doing this, you can't do this in the can. you missed your older brother, didn't you?

Ritchie: yeah, there's nobody on this hill. what was the joint like?

Bob: jail is jail. it's fine. it was cool, it was a nice time, it's like going on vacation, you know? 

Ritchie: hey whatever you do, don't fuck Elizabeth Pena, i was kinda hoping we'd get married, we're both sweet good-natured innocent souls who live in a double wide.

Bob: she already lost her virginity to me the INSTANT she laid eyes on my mustache, my white muscle shirt, my rugged jaw, and my testicles in these jeans. does it still count if you do it standing up fully clothed?

San Fernando High School: where show-biz dreams go to die.........and then they get resurrected again. that's the thing, you gotta be near Hollywood in proximity.

The Silhouettes' lead singer: who are you? some filthy farmworker?

Ritchie: look at this tiny amp and curly phone-cord i carry around everywhere with me, it's the color orange like the oranges i USED to pick. i ain't no orange picker. look at me SING FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! i'm already top-40-radio-polished with a clear English voice no accent!!! it's a miracle!!! i come from the part of Mexico known as California, boi!!! you know, surfers and shit. by the way why should i listen to you, you play the SAX!!! that's fucking lame, holmes, no lead singer plays the saxophone. except that cool dude from Queensryche.

Bob: i'm jealous of all the attention my little brother Ritchie is receiving. i start brawls everywhere cos that was the only way i survived in prison.

Woody Woodpecker: where are the cartoons of me that Bob Morales worked on? that he storyboarded? those would have been rad and full of gangsters. i definitely would have held a gun, maybe a rifle or something. a knife?

Sam Anderson: i'm that guy you see all the time on that CBS show. that boring show you watch with your grandpa on the couch. Picket Fences or something. i don't want my daughter seeing a Hispanic boy but i live in California which is counterintuitive.

Ritchie: i'll prove it to you, sir, i'll prove i can be a success, that i'm good enough for your daughter.........wait a minute i'm not doing this for YOU, i'm doing this for ME. i'm gonna become a legend, you're just gonna become a father.

Ritchie: you're gonna change my name? 

Joey Pants: yeah we gotta make you palatable to a white audience or you won't get that fast money, that millionaire scratch, you know? this is the ultimate get-rich-quick scheme. add a T to Richie and shorten Valenzuela to Valens.

Bob: THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! YOU'RE MESSING WITH OUR AZTEC HERITAGE, WHITE BOY!!!

Ritchie: but why did Fernando Valenzuela get to keep his name?!!!

Ritchie in the studio (not podcast studio): are we done here? i've done the "Donna" song take 50 times now.

Joey Pants: THAT was the one, got it, Ritch, it's in the can. that take had you singing with a voice so pure it didn't have ONE TRACE of Mexican in it, not one hint of foreign, you have a totally American voice now, kid!!!

Rick Dees: Ted Qullin? nobody knows who that is, I'M RICK DEES, BITCH!!! i'm the biggest thing in music right now in 1987!!!

at the only payphone booth in the entire movie.

Bob: the funniest scene in the whole film is when i razz on Ritchie Valens for his song "Donna".

Ritchie: yes, "Donna" is a staple in Johnny Rockets and '50s cafes everywhere, but you, dear brother, just saw it as me being a weak man who couldn't get any poontang, wanting some pussy and going about it the wrong way. THAT WAS HILARIOUS. i poured my heart and soul into that song, i was heartfelt and sincere. it's like thinking the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love" is about a quickie.

Danielle von Zerneck: would you like to neck in the back of a Cadillac like Wednesday vampires? "Donna", wow, not many girls get a song written about them that becomes a doo-wop classic over tall glass milkshakes, that was pretty rad for me.

at the brothel in Tijuana.

Ritchie: see this is where it gets sticky. i didn't CREATE "La Bamba" i composed it. i rock-n-roll rockified it up. but without me the song wouldn't have become popular around the world.

at the curandero.

curandero: you like my shack in the desert? it has two stories. the right one and the wrong one.

Ritchie: it's ironic, right? i am TERRFIED of airplanes and i die in an airplane. what kind of justice is that? you tell me, was my life worth it?

curandero: yes because music is bigger than life, it lasts longer. you will be sacrificed to become a music martyr. life is like a snake shedding its skin, constantly evolving, constantly changing from this form into that form. which form is THE form? only the snake knows. life is a dream basically.

Ritchie: great, i can't sleep cos of my nightmares. got any Nyquil?

curandero: here, wear this talisman around your neck, if you keep it on you'll be safe from the air. just don't board any goose planes. Mexican folklore is way more interesting than science.

Joey Pants and Ritchie on the plane.

Joey Pants: here, kid, drink down this fifth of vodka. i'm gonna unbuckle my seatbelt and give this Smirnoff vodka flask to the pilot...

Brian Setzer on the Crespi stage: Greykid is the coolest Stray Cat i know. my hair is bigger than the Empire State Buildng, let's just leave it at that. I drank the vodka, my name is seltzer.

Ritchie: i've had enough of you, hermano. i flourished my talent, i didn't squander it. you had talent, too.

Bob: you rock, i draw the bird. tweet tweet tweet rockin' robin. IT'S A SETUP, RITCHIE!!! look at this black-and-white photo of our father, our papito, our padre, he was a war hero, he was in the Space Marines!!! HE SET ME UP!!! he had it so ONLY YOU would reap the rewards and have the life and I GOT NOTHING!!! it's a conspiracy. our dad works for the CIA making those A.I. robots that will take over the world in the future.

Ritchie: YOU RUINED YOUR OWN LIFE!!! DON'T BLAME ANYBODY ELSE!!! you're a drunk and you're drunk now. i can punch you now, i'm not skinny anymore, i'm fat like you.

Ritchie: great, nice going, Bob, you broke my talisman, you've murdered me in the future.

The Big Bopper: you know i'm the Big Bopper because i only say my signature phrase in my signature accent. signatures not autographs. Clear Lake? it's snowing as fuck up in here!!!

Ritchie Valens: can you believe my life was determined BY A FUCKING COIN FLIP?!!! i mean how cosmically stupid is that? hey guys, this raging snowstorm is looking pretty bad, maybe we don't pilot a single-engine biplane through it blind? jus sayin, what do i know, i'm just a kid.

Buddy Holly: don't worry, kid, take a valium, they're new.

Ritchie: you know in situations like these my manager would always tell me not to fly, to keep my feet on the ground, to drink some vodka instead. or maybe if you give me a wrench i could fix the heating system on the bus...

Mario takes off his mushroom cap and begins to cry. the tears wet his handlebar motorcycle mustache.

Mario: Ritchie Valens never played video games.

Prince: i told you Minnesota is a bad place to go. them bad lands over there, baby. why do you think i was always trying to get out of there? those Thousand Lakes will do you no good if they're frozen. they can't help you, baby.

Donna Ludwig: HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!!! i was all prepared to have the life of Priscilla Presley!!! big mansion in the South, Rolls Royce airplanes on the roof. all of that is SUDDENLY snatched away from me in a second!!! i was getting Ritchie's guitar hand prepared with the autopen for all his many autographs. Beethoven indeed.

Axl Rose: hey this final procession all the limos driving through the cemetery is like our video for "Don't Cry".

Ritchie Valens: i was 17 when i died. I WAS SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD WHEN I DIED!!! i mean COME ON!!! that is some DANK DARK DESTINY. THIS was my journey?!!! THIS is what it was supposed to be?!!! what is the POINT?!!! i never experienced drinking a beer. and voting i guess. and playing video games. and driving a car legally. and one day overcoming my fear of flying and piloting my own plane alone across the planet. at least i never went into the army like my pops.

Bob on another hill: RITCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is gonna become a GIF on a T-shirt, huh?

me: THIS MOVIE IS EERILY MY EXACT LIFE. my mom's name is Concepcion, i never learned Spanish despite my mom speaking fluent Salvadoran Spanish, i was strictly an English boy. also, the brand new house in the Hollywood hills Ritchie buys his family with his first sound check---that is his first music check, check for making music---is the same house i lived in in Van Nuys, same covered porch in the backyard, same marble fireplace. i'm an artist trying to make it with a poor elderly mother from the barrio. g'night folks.

Michaela From Safeway wearing her blue visor: who has the more baked brain, the baker or the baked? who has the more metal mind, the musician or the robot? like Donna Ludwig before me i'm left to wonder what could have been. how my life could have been SO DIFFERENT if only certain people HAD LIVED A LITTLE BIT LONGER. as i plop another scoop of carrot fried rice into this plastic saucer. Francese rolls extra, that pale bread kneaded by the cold hands of cold monks.

TMIT: WE ONLY USE 'TIS IN DECEMBER

 

1. would you rather have a cold December holiday season or a warm holiday season?

you know me, i'm a goth, I LOVE COLD. but i gotta say.........only if i'm under my LARGE-ASS cream square-pleated down comforter with plastic feathers inside. it's not a weather thing, it's a money thing, i can't afford waking up every night at 4AM to turn on the heater.

it's been a long December

but there's reason to believe

maybe this year will be better than the last

cos i'll meet Courteney Cox at a coffee shop in the snow, wink wink

Counting Crows

2. would you rather help Santa deliver presents or help Santa in his workshop? i did everything for Santa. i divorced the love of my life for Santa. i left my wife for Santa. i moved ALL THE WAY to the North Pole when i would have rather lived in Seattle which is the same place. i was ready to make a lifelong cold commitment to Santa, live a life of wood toys and other toys and metal Christmas trees. an evergreen vow.

but it turned out Santa wasn't Santa, Santa was just a guy enjoying a Peppermint Frosty at Wendy's.

3. would your rather wear nice clothes all Christmas day or wear pajamas?

the broader question is why can't we wear PAJAMAS INSTEAD OF CLOTHES FOREVER. it's not a Hugh Hefner thing, nobody cares about that guy anymore.

4. would you rather eat fruitcake for two days straight or eat candy canes for two straight days?

everyone makes fun of fruitcake but fruitcake is the SOLE MONEY SUPPLY OF MONKS. without that fast greasy cash that comes in from the fruitcakes we monks will starve out on the street with our robes on. it's our meth. SOMEBODY has to pay for that half-completed church on the hill. Fruitcake is our Source, not God.  

and then i went to ancestry.com to find out what diseases i would get as an old man. i dug and dug and dug until i came upon my ancestor Doug. 23andMe told me i was related to GREGOR MENDEL which was a DIRTY LIE!!! so i quit the monastery.

5. right now would you rather eat gingerbread cookies or drink hot chocolate?

RIGHT NOW: stollen with Van Halen

the Van Halen without David Lee Roth, with that other dude, but not the dude from that band Extreme...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MAH BABIES!!!

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

DELIVERY IS THE KICKER

 

notes:

* Meghan Markle and Prince Harry: we met on Instagram.

Michael Weiss: well yes but you're giving ordinary people false hope. it was a little more complicated than that...

* Boc at the cross-country oval Crespi track: huh, look at that, the flags are at half-mast. like me. for what? for whom?

Kirstie Alley in jogging pants: for me.

Boc nodding his head: oh that's cool.

* Mayan Lopez: know why i'm doing Lopez vs. Lopez? cos i want George Lopez and MY REAL MOM to get back together!!!

George Lopez: sorry for everything, mija. all the times i was a bad dad to you. it's not my fault, my mom was a bad mom to me, that was the whole basis of the Benny Lopez character!!!

* Bud Fox: there were less dangerous ways to make money in the '80s. less dangerous rabbit holes to go down to get rich quick. for instance i could have starred in that Twix commercial...

* Brandon Lee: is a movie worth a life? i would say.........no.

* Santa sitting in a spa: you had no idea i had such a hairy chest...

* David Byrne: i use a penny whistle in my music...

* garbage men: we're not trash men. we're not garbage men, we are G Men.

* Dutch goalie: i almost gave up the dream to become a cop. that would have been a NIGHTMARE. why give up soccer to be a cop?!!! never become a cop for any reason. give up soccer to be a florist if you have to...

* Dean Winters: aren't you sick of Mayhem? i know I am. so in this 1000th installment i'm a demented mouse in the vein of a Robert Crumb character. R.I.P. Aline Crumb, i knew her well, i liked her underground comics better than his, do you find that surprising? Fritz the Mouse. i'm eating a macaroon i mean macaron, one's a cookie one's a biscuit. you know it's IMPOSSIBLE for your house to catch on fire and burn down cos of your Christmas tree's faulty lighting, i mean think about the last 1000 years of celebrating Christmases, all those old-timers used CANDLES on their trees to light it!!! i BROKE MY TEETH at the end of this biting down on that candy cane the size of a water-main pipe. i finally got it, Winters, i'm the perfect Christmas spokesman.

* Kathryn Feeney: i am WAY HOTTER than my red Wendy's uniform makes my body out to be. this Wendy's uniform makes it seem like my body is short and stocky, but i'm a tall thin slender woman with big tits who walks down the runways in Belgium with Tom Brady's wife who's sad at the moment. because Brazil lost. walk the runway? doesn't make sense. anyway the new Wendy's Italian Mozz chicken sandwich has hot melty cheese so stretchy you'd think it was rubber cement. which it is. don't worry, the "cheese" never dries...

CLICK HERE FOR FREE DELIVERY

  

happy weekend, my babies. GO ENGLAND.

TOMORROW: i went to a McDonald's drivethru and ordered a QPC. i got a QVC gift basket at the next window. that's cool, my Christmas shopping is done now.

CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: GREED COSTS MONEY

 

me: i don't know which room to enter. the 15-18 y.o. boys weightroom in the middle of Crespi High or the swimming pool inside the bowels of Crespi High.

Avo Babian: i've been down there, pooing in the pool, we're the only school in the entire Valley that has an INDOOR pool, makes meets more like a rave. hey have you heard about the new racquetball courts they're constructing in the center of Crespi?

me: yeah but that's not for me, that's only for the rich kids.

i reluctantly enter the weightroom after spitting on the glass door to see inside. sneak a peek. i spit in a circular motion, nobody's in there. so i quickly do one elbow curl on the weightstack. then i see him, Elon Musk, changing the sheets on all the beds on the floor in here.

Elon: i had a little bit of an accident. happens every night with me. the beds are for TIRED EMPLOYEES, i'm not forcing them to stay in the office overnight and never see their families again. you're supposed to work hard, right? it's not barbaric savage working conditions, they get clean sheets every morning, i see to that cos i change the sheets myself. white sheets with cute little blue Twitter birds on them.

Naraja comes in late.

Mr. Diamond: you flunked out of high school, Naraja. hand in your midterm and Final paper and hand in your keys. to this door and your car. 

Naraja: come on, Mr. D, my dog ate my homework.

Mr. Diamond: you know that is a scientific fact that dogs love to eat paper. i looked it up. still doesn't excuse you tho. 

Mr. Diamond has the coolest machine plopped on his desk next to his daily orange. it is the most fascinating contraption, it's this cute little tiny mini computerized printer attached to nothing that somehow prints up on the spot any test or pop quiz Mr. Diamond had in his head.

me: where is the computer that attaches to your personal printer, Mr. D?

Mr. Diamond points to his bald head with spots. and then as always he makes his signature SQUINT face with his teeth and pushes his eyeglasses right up to the paper to read the Spanish words he has just printed.

Tom Holland in the weightroom: i'm flattered but i don't think i could pull off Zorro. but your Puss character is a fantastic feline family-friendly fully realized character, i LOVE Puss!!!

Antonio Banderas shirtless pumping iron without a spotter: .........In Boots. gracias, kid. you could do it. i am FORCING you to play Zorro when i'm gone. when i get Z'd out by Generation Z on Twitter.

Keke Palmer in the school musical: that was the REALEST monologue in SNL history that i just delivered. it wasn't about being in the business, it was about being a human being living this thing called LIFE.

cheesy narrator: was i cheesier on Mighty Orbots or on Dragon's Lair?

Kel Mitchell and Kenan Thompson on the Crespi stage.

Kel: i mean either i become a permanent cast member on SNL or there's a Kenan & Kel reboot, right?

Kenan: yes. i just happened to ace my SNL audition in front of Lorne and you didn't. i won and you didn't, randomly. 

Kel: i auditioned for SNL in front of Lorne just like you did but apparently yours was just a bit more watchable. why did it have to be a competition? why did he choose ONE of us? why couldn't he take BOTH of us?

Kenan: cos then SNL would have just become Kenan & Kel.

Kel: is that such a bad thing? there's a lot of orange-soda nostalgia wrapped up in there.

Kenan: no hard feelings? 

Kel: naw, you my dog, bro, we bros for life, blood is thicker than water.

the two fist-bump.

Anthony Michael Hall: the Breakfast Club reunion, easy. the Caprica reunion, hard.

Mighty Orbots: somehow i'm a singular noun. where's Navin?

Shia LaBeouf: in the weightroom late nights smoking a cigar.

Mighty Orbots: "A Tale of Two Thieves", The Kid in this episode is pure Miyazaki!!

Shia: i know, right? and the cityscape is pure '80s anime cyberpunk.

Belladonna: finally a sexy femme fatale villain in this show. i am TOTALLY from the Voltron universe, look at my aqua-blue skin!!! this towering hunk of robot metal beside me is my lover Neutron. you WISH i was in a sticky situation, Rob!!!

Crunch: i'm not sad, i ate this streetpost lightpole like celery, i'm gradually learning how to eat my feelings.

Lucy Welcher in pink track trunks on the track starting line: like my shorts? shortcut? pashaw. I'M TOO PRETTY TO WORK!!! hence my perfect last name. fuck waking up everyday at 6AM for 60 years!!!

in the library den, the TV is switched to something for the last time.

CNN HLN Headline News: fuck Forensic Files!!! nobody watches Forensic Files!!! if you're gonna gut us at least replace us with a permanent The West Wing marathon, a quality show.

Obama: without The West Wing, i wouldn't have become President.

Ottessa Moshfegh fights with Eye Luggage for podcast space, there's only one booth in the whole school.

Eye: time is money? where's the spreadsheet i need to schedule a space for recording-time which costs money. there will never be enough time to do everything you want...

Ottessa Moshfegh: i met my husband during an interview, this is the only way writers can meet other people. my husband has a dangerous last name...

T.J. Holmes is outside at the only payphone on the entire school grounds shooting a quarter into a basketball net from a great distance while juggling two smartphones.

T.J. Holmes: SWISH!!! NOTHING BUT NET!!! where you shopping, boo?

Amy Robach: TJ Maxx of course.

Tatiana: we're a good lesbian couple. we're good for each other. we're fine. we're spicy when we need to be, we have the occasional juicy tryst on the massage table and sometimes in the bush in the bushes. but honey we are NOTHING like the HOT SEX Charlotte Drury and Laurie Hernandez have!!!

Mardith: we gotta get stronger. we gotta get our bodies to have those gymnastics curves.

Tatiana: or we'll BOTH get curved!!!

Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi in the Crespi crime-scene-unit lab: i got a show ONLY BECAUSE i was undefeated.........an undefeated prosecutor, i NEVER LOST a case.

LaVar Ball: ...

LaVar Ball: i'm a businessman.

Morocco on the high-school football field: Tiki-Taka, it got too cute. 

Avo: what were we doing this Saturday?

me: i'm trying to experience how the other half lives cos we ain't NEVER gonna experience it here. so i've arranged for you, me, and Lucio Rossi's girlfiend to have a little detente, a little soiree, a little lunch at a movie.

Avo: cool. which theater?

me: that's the thing, the movie is in a MUSEUM!!! yeah, people don't realize that the best way to see a movie is your butt in a movie theater at a MUSEUM!!! museums have the BEST BIG SCREENS!!!

museum: yes we confess, all our science exhibits are Star Wars and Call of Duty and IMAX movies, there is NO OTHER WAY to get people to come to museums.

Eye Luggage pushing the SALE typewriter keystroke button on the Crespi cash register at the snack bar: Wall Street (1987) and go. 

Laertus: can i pull the handle?

Shia LaBeouf: I WAS IN THIS MOVIE!!!.........no wait, nevermind.

Daryl Hannah: I HATED BEING IN THIS MOVIE!!! i hated every moment i was on that set, i wanted to be anywhere else but THERE. Aruba or my snow lodge in Idaho. i wanted to do more Disney movies!!! i was the only one who got along with Sean Young. Charlie Sheen was a putz.

Oliver Stone: better titles for this than Wall Street: Greed, Greed is Good, Mr. Sheen Goes to New York, The '80s, Paint the Tape, Slicked-Back Hair, Bulls' Balls, Darien Wasn't That Great, Money Money Money, Getting High, How to Prevent Suicide, Buildings

Oliver Stone: time is money, literally, i had ONE DAY to shoot this ENTIRE FILM. and it's a masterpiece cos i'm Oliver Stone.

Martin Sheen hugging his son Charlie around the neck and giving him a noogie: do you know how LUCKY we were, son?

Charlie Sheen: you're not gonna call a priest on me again are you dad? to give me Last Rites when i overdose on the street at the River Phoenix Club again.

Martin: don't be silly, boy, there is NO WAY you're religious. but a father is that Catholic safety net when the son is sleeping, you know? no, i mean think about that opportunity we had, we have PRIVATE HOME MOVIES of us making this movie, the Sheen home movies, home movies of this movie, videos which will NOT be on the director's cut or the backstage commentary, right?

Charlie: right. i will not sell out my family's good name for money. that's something Bud Fox would do.

Martin: thank you for letting me be in your movie, son. what father has had the privilege of acting with his offspring in a multibillion-dollar major motion picture extravaganza cultural landmark!!!

Leonardo DiCaprio: my dad was BANNED from the Titanic set.

Martin: boys have tossing around the pigskin with their dad on the orange lawn as their home movies. we have doing Wall Street as our home movies!!! we bonded over making a seminal film in the Library of Congress!!!

Charlie: Congressional semen, i like the way you think, dad, we're connecting on a deeper spiritual level, our minds are linked with a conspiracy thread like the dots i used to have in my head when i was crazy.

Charlie Sheen: hey, despite everything, my character NEVER TAKES DRUGS in this movie. only from call girls. my only drug here is money.

Andrea Thompson: hey remember me?!!! from NYPD Blue!!! do i make a more convincing call girl or a cop? a cop undercover as a call girl? Darien taught me everything i know. i have one of those ACCENTS that are heavy as fuck.

Gordon Gekko: do you like my character? do you think i'm pure scum, pure evil? my character INSPIRED all those '80s kids to become all the Wall Street brokers we have now who are bankrupting the country!!! who put us in impossible debt. who treat the workers like shit. the Elon Musks of the world. i had the OPPOSITE INTENDED EFFECT, but it's America, what do you expect, right? the only person i like is Jim Cramer, he's entertaining, he reminds me of my grandson's obsession with WWF wrestling.

Oliver Stone: okay, Mike, i'm giving you the big part.

Michael Douglas: thank you.

Oliver Stone: one problem, YOU CANNOT ACT. so.........that's the problem.

Michael Douglas: i know. i've never done anything like this before. i'll try my best. wait i gotta memorize 20 PAGES OF DIALOGUE?!!! come on, that's too much. i can barely breathe right.

Charlie: why are stockbroker buildings so TALL AND HIGH?

Gordon: the better to suicide with, my pretty. my real name is Gordon Geico but that little lizard sued me for all i had. that's how he got the money to make ALL those damn Geico commercials.

Charlie: Bud Fox? seriously? 

Gordon: that's why i always call you PAL. cos you're my buddy. i hate South Park don't bring that up. you wanna be a player? you can have Darien as long as i have sex with her concurrently with you doing her.

Charlie: that's what business partners do.

at the office.

John C. McGinley: why do i always play OBNOXIOUS people? is it something in my personality? i want to be more kindhearted like i am here. 

Charlie: you're every Jewish grandmother's dream, a broker and then a doctor on Scrubs.

Ayn Rand: hi. i feel i should be in this scene as one of the brokers in this firm, working alongside the boys, just one of the boys, you know? considering all the themes.

Charlie: why do you smoke?

Gordon: it's cool. smoking is cool in the '80s.

Charlie: i got you some Cubans.

Gordon: people?

Charlie: no, cigars.

Gordon: they only taste good if they're contraband. i can TASTE THE LEAF in this!! okay hotshot...

Charlie: ...Part Deux

Gordon: ...give me a secret stock no one's talking about.

Charlie: Tiger Blood.........with that HOT blonde CEO, but she's probably doing something illegal. how about my dad's plane company?

Gordon: plain company?

Charlie: yes but no, airplanes.

Gordon: how many crashes this past year?

Charlie: 15.

Gordon: manageable.

Gordon: gimme a dog.

Charlie: Scooby-Doo is fluent in French, Brian from Family Guy has a TERRIBLE case of fleas that's never addressed in an episode. Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes is a terrorist and why didn't they ever animate Marmaduke?

Gordon: okay it's time for my famous infamous GREED IS GOOD speech.

Oliver Stone: you ready? you memorized ALL 20 PAGES? if you pull this off you'll be allowed to meet a young Welsh up-and-comer named Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Gordon: i cannot wait to land her!!! Zeta, that means she will be my end.

Gordon: hey did you see my FACE after i did the speech? i was so HAPPY TO GET THROUGH IT!!! that isn't Gordon Gekko's greed-speech afterglow, that's Michael Douglas relieved that he remembered some of his lines. 

Hal Holbrook: there are no shortcuts in life, son.

Charlie: for me there is cos i'm a Sheen.

Hal: we dismantled our balcony today before i announced the layoffs.

Laertus: i'm surprised this film doesn't have a suicide scene with that old lifer broker taking a swan dive off the skyscraper. really drive home the message with that patented brutal Oliver Stone violence.

Sir Larry Wildman: i eat your balls for brekkie.

Gordon: speak English.

Wildman: The Queen's English!!!

Gordon: so you're like that Virgin guy?

Wildman: how dare you, good sir!!! i beg your pardon, good sir!!!

Gordon: no the Virgin plane guy, airplane guy.

Charlie: excuse me, sir, have you read Sun Tzu's The Art of War?

Wildman: i gave Sun Tzu bad stock tips which led him to seppuku himself.

Charlie: Rule #1 in that book: run away.

Darien: can you admire art?

Charlie: no.

Darien: i'd explain abstract art to you but i'd be wasting my time, it'd go over your head.

Charlie: what is this, how Michael J. Fox and his wife met on Family Ties?

Michael J. Fox: i should have done this movie. me or Tom Cruise.

Charlie: WOO-HOO!!! ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET?!!!

Darien: oh yes. i'm having the best time here. racing dune-buggies on the beach is the most decadent thing you can do.

Charlie: yeah, this is what rich people did in the '80s, this and making those Chinese dumplings with that rare dumpling-maker from China, only 3 of those dough-squeeze-presses were ever made. upstairs in our high-rise kitchen with the blue tile. 

Darien: okay I AM NOT FUCKING CHARLIE SHEEN. make those scenes as dark as possible. no light so nobody can see our faces.

Oliver: honey this is the work. i'd rather be kissing Brad Pitt, too.

Sean Young: COME ON I LOOK RIDICULOUS IN THIS MOVIE!!! look at my weird Egyptian crescent earrings!!! i look like a reject from Jesus Christ Superstar. why wasn't i Darien?

Oliver Stone: we had a whole thing where Bud has an affair with Gekko's wife but that whole part had to be cut for time. 

Charlie: that sucks, i like Sean Young, Sean Young and i think alike, that would have been so cool to see on screen.

Gordon: not really, i never loved my wife, you can have Sean Young, take her, i don't care.

 

Gordon: i'm trying to be a big shot around here but these '80s computers look LAME. is this how Wall Street was in the '80s, with these lame bulky computers with green Tron graphics?

Bill Gates: hurt people hurt people. these were state-of-the-art computers in 1985.

Gordon: yeah, that's why the Challenger exploded.

Charlie: who am i? was i meant to be rich? was i meant to be a criminal? do i actually like acting or did my dad trick me? i'm having the first case of impostor syndrome. 

Charlie: wait i don't want to trick James Spader, that could REALLY come back to bite me in the ass later, James Spader is CREEPY, look at that James Spader smile.

James Spader: could you win a strawman argument versus me?

Charlie: yes if it were on videotape and posted to the internet.

Spader: the internet? doesn't sound like a good idea.

Martin: i'm a good union boss. i make sure there's enough cash in my men's pension. i raised you better than this, Charles, what happened to you?

Charlie: i don't have a last name anymore like Scott Baio in Charles in Charge. Gordon says money like energy is neither created nor destroyed. except for that Trump guy. Michael Douglas is more of a father to me than YOU ever were!!!

Martin: yeah well at last your mom's not a whore, i made sure of that. i didn't get to the top by bedding call girls. instead i betted on myself. 

Charlie: call girls? huh, dad you're onto something, you're a genius!!! call girls, dad, you've given me invaluable life advice!!! i love you. dad.

Daryl Hannah: yeah my whole backstory as a call girl was cut for time. which is actually better for me. i don't want to be here. 

Martin Sheen in a hospital bed covered in wires looking gaunt: son, i can barely breathe. come over here and let me breathe in your mouth. 

Charlie Sheen crying real tears: i hate to see you like this, dad, you look like a corpse. you look dead, dad. 

Martin: you did this to me, son, all your late-night partying and carrying-on gallivanting around Hollywood at all hours of the night, i have no idea where you are, you're worrying me, you are a weird worrisome man. for the love of God please stop with the wild parties and the bizarre TV appearances, son, they're killing me.

Darien: sorry, dude, i need Gekko's billions of dollars to buy one piece of art in New York City.

Charlie: what am i being arrested for? controlling interest? insider trading?

SEC: you are under arrest for being Charlie Sheen.

Laertus: okay that's a BEAUTIFUL VISTA of a scene!!! Charlie and Gekko are TWO DOTS. Charlie walks longways in a straight line all the way to Gordon Gekko across the green grass of Central Park as the New York City skyline bathes the background in blue. or grey rather, my favorite color. WIDE LENS, EXPANSIVE SCOPE.

Tavern on the Green in the '80s: where the men AND the women wore suits, the little girls wore pink taffeta dresses and ballet slippers, the little boys were fishmongers with belt-buckles on their lines, and the logo was Satanic and not pastoral.

Codrus: i like to eat gingerbread houses. g'night folks.

David Byrne: Talking Heads did the soundtrack for Wall Street (1987). you immediately remember that ONE THEME, right? the fluty fanciful upbeat magical fairy-wing fairy-tale song of whimsy bathed in pixie dust. it kinda sounds like "Burning Down the House" but it isn't. played on panpipes. you know, the fairy music the fairy music. hey Charlie Sheen, HANDS OFF YOUR SECRETARY THAT'S MY WIFE!!! 

Martin and Charlie in the car to the courthouse.

Martin: this is a hard lesson for you, son, but i'm proud of you, you did the right thing. earn money the noble way, by doing something creative, not by being a stupid unimaginative junk-bond corporate raider who just buys and sells and buys back other people's dream companies. don't steal. you GOTTA CREATE TO BE HAPPY.

Charlie: is it too late to be a venture capitalist?

Martin: no i mean CREATE SOMETHING.

Charlie: like.........a movie?

Martin: well.........okay sure that's a start i guess.

i enter the completed Crespi racquetball courts by feeding a wrinkled dollar bill through the vending-machine slot. the secret door opens behind.

me: this sucks. all high school students want that cold can of Coke at 1PM after you've failed the trig test. 

Gordon Gekko is fixing his tie and squeezing his underpants in the locker room.

Gordon: i was always good with numbers. and Shakespearean speeches. kid, do you wanna read charts the rest of your life or do you wanna make some money?

me: i only read pie charts. cos i'm desperate for a girlfriend.

Gordon: printing money isn't a crime. all money is printed. you wanna know the difference between being a street performer and being Carl Icahn?

me: a Harvard MBA?

Gordon: yes. but also connection, you gotta make the right connections, meet the right people. i only went to city college, i had to take the ferry under the bridge, nearly got my head with the perfect hair chopped off. i lost my robe in the East River. if David Foster Wallace had been included in the New York Writers Circle he'd still be alive today.

Gordon: i gotta go, i'm busy, Charlie Sheen will take over your training, he will teach you from now on all you need to know in one day.

i wait for Charlie Sheen inside the racquetball court, the four glass walls are closing in on me.

Charlie arrives shirtless, sweating all over his hairy body, in trunks and socks. 

Charlie: do you have anxiety? rich man poor man, you decide.

Charlie hits a blue racquetball which strikes the wall and ricochets HARD back at my penis. i crumple over in pain.

Charlie: see? you're gonna have blue balls the rest of your life if you don't make money. don't you want to meet women like Darien?

me in the fetal position sweating on the court: no i want to meet women like Jennifer Pizarro. is this what you did to Lucas?

UC Berkeley: your money is no good here.