THE QUESTION IS, DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE?: FACE-PULLING FOR THE BIG DATE

 

Gordon Ramsay is at his face-pulling machine in his kitchen exercising away.

Shorey Wesen: what are you doing?

Gordon Ramsay: face-pulling my face wrinkles away for our big date.

Shorey: i feel this will only make your mental health worse.

Gordon: the face is the only body part of mine that's not buff. madam would you stir that tin pot of tomato soup over there with a wooden spoon? it has to nurse at low flame and i'm doing two things at once.

Shorey: *sigh* sure. pronounced to-MAH-to, right?

the large slab of wood over the trash/recycle/lawn bins: it's not to keep the polecat out of the trash, it's to keep the FLIES out of the trash!!!

flies: come on, man, we're just in the lawn bin, we just want some grass.

Jim Carrey: my name in Doing Time on Maple Drive should have been Buck.

Jim Carrey: have you ever in your life had your father call you a dirty drunk?...

Atom Egoyan: this is by far my best acting job in front of the camera...

Minolta: in the '90s everyone had rectangular photos...

Drew Barrymore in Poison Ivy: you're a vixen only if your blonde hair is TOUSLED.

Starchaser: The Legend of Orin: now you know where Ioz from The Pirates of Dark Water came from...

Michael Weiss on Instagram: just floating around.

Vanquish: your sneeze comes from too much pepper in your chicken noodle soup. in the olden days you didn't take a pill for a headache, you just rode it out.

movies: we need to make more movies, we need SOMETHING to fill all those TV channels 24/7...

Charles Nelson Reilly: my father made the boneheaded decision NOT to work with Walt Disney. he had to be institutionalized after that. just think, i coulda been Tinkerbell!!!

Trent Reznor is backstage clutching the curtain at his first-ever live show. he's sweating bullets.

Trent Reznor: i can't go out there in front of all those people!!! look at the tight leather pants i'm wearing, you can see the outline of my COCK!!! "Down In It" is the opening number? i'm not a rapper!!!

ok ru: i'm okay, are you? from Russia with love.

Edith Noble: did you see that? i SUBTLY pat Gene Rayburn's back when we're doing the Super Match...

Todd Solondz: so long, Dragon Ball Z.

Andy Warhol: it all starts with moving to New York City...

Andy Warhol: you can't cosplay in jeans.

Just Between Friends.

Christine Lahti removing the sheets from Mary Tyler Moore's bed: alright, up and at em, let's play tennis. you can't be a mopey widow your whole life. get your ass out of this bed.

Mary Tyler Moore: i don't have an ass.

Sam Waterston: after the movie this could turn into a sitcom where i take care of these two broads' baby and Ted Danson comes back as a ghost to warn us of earthquakes...

watersnake: our Kwisatz Haderach is Kaka. robot evolution is evil-ution...

Shorey Wesen: don't you read profiles? i said i like when the man has a bulldog face.

Gordon Ramsay: i'm sorry, mah dahlin, i was too busy looking at all the winter photos of your arse. i want to put my cock in your butt and leave it there like a Victorian spoon in sticky toffee pudding. 

Shorey: it won't stay, your dick as your life will fold one day. like a napkin in the wind.

Gordon: you intimidate me, i never graduated college. i should have stayed in soccer school.

 

Shorey: who's this cute guy on your Instagram?

Gordon: that's my lost brother Ronnie. 

Shorey: he looks like Eminem but good. heroin addict?

Gordon: yeah, Ronnie watched Trainspotting and took it WAY too seriously. i'm trying to slide into your family so i can get that Jacques Pepin money to break him out of gaol and get him clean with tomato soup.

Shorey: jail isn't so bad. prison food is my favorite food. i got a crush on Ronnie Ramsay!!!

Gordon: okay but when you see him walking alongside his bicycle in an alley don't approach him and call him Ronnie Weasley, he hates that.