me: i don't know which room to enter. the 15-18 y.o. boys weightroom in the middle of Crespi High or the swimming pool inside the bowels of Crespi High.
Avo Babian: i've been down there, pooing in the pool, we're the only school in the entire Valley that has an INDOOR pool, makes meets more like a rave. hey have you heard about the new racquetball courts they're constructing in the center of Crespi?
me: yeah but that's not for me, that's only for the rich kids.
i reluctantly enter the weightroom after spitting on the glass door to see inside. sneak a peek. i spit in a circular motion, nobody's in there. so i quickly do one elbow curl on the weightstack. then i see him, Elon Musk, changing the sheets on all the beds on the floor in here.
Elon: i had a little bit of an accident. happens every night with me. the beds are for TIRED EMPLOYEES, i'm not forcing them to stay in the office overnight and never see their families again. you're supposed to work hard, right? it's not barbaric savage working conditions, they get clean sheets every morning, i see to that cos i change the sheets myself. white sheets with cute little blue Twitter birds on them.
Naraja comes in late.
Mr. Diamond: you flunked out of high school, Naraja. hand in your midterm and Final paper and hand in your keys. to this door and your car.
Naraja: come on, Mr. D, my dog ate my homework.
Mr. Diamond: you know that is a scientific fact that dogs love to eat paper. i looked it up. still doesn't excuse you tho.
Mr. Diamond has the coolest machine plopped on his desk next to his daily orange. it is the most fascinating contraption, it's this cute little tiny mini computerized printer attached to nothing that somehow prints up on the spot any test or pop quiz Mr. Diamond had in his head.
me: where is the computer that attaches to your personal printer, Mr. D?
Mr. Diamond points to his bald head with spots. and then as always he makes his signature SQUINT face with his teeth and pushes his eyeglasses right up to the paper to read the Spanish words he has just printed.
Tom Holland in the weightroom: i'm flattered but i don't think i could pull off Zorro. but your Puss character is a fantastic feline family-friendly fully realized character, i LOVE Puss!!!
Antonio Banderas shirtless pumping iron without a spotter: .........In Boots. gracias, kid. you could do it. i am FORCING you to play Zorro when i'm gone. when i get Z'd out by Generation Z on Twitter.
Keke Palmer in the school musical: that was the REALEST monologue in SNL history that i just delivered. it wasn't about being in the business, it was about being a human being living this thing called LIFE.
cheesy narrator: was i cheesier on Mighty Orbots or on Dragon's Lair?
Kel Mitchell and Kenan Thompson on the Crespi stage.
Kel: i mean either i become a permanent cast member on SNL or there's a Kenan & Kel reboot, right?
Kenan: yes. i just happened to ace my SNL audition in front of Lorne and you didn't. i won and you didn't, randomly.
Kel: i auditioned for SNL in front of Lorne just like you did but apparently yours was just a bit more watchable. why did it have to be a competition? why did he choose ONE of us? why couldn't he take BOTH of us?
Kenan: cos then SNL would have just become Kenan & Kel.
Kel: is that such a bad thing? there's a lot of orange-soda nostalgia wrapped up in there.
Kenan: no hard feelings?
Kel: naw, you my dog, bro, we bros for life, blood is thicker than water.
the two fist-bump.
Anthony Michael Hall: the Breakfast Club reunion, easy. the Caprica reunion, hard.
Mighty Orbots: somehow i'm a singular noun. where's Navin?
Shia LaBeouf: in the weightroom late nights smoking a cigar.
Mighty Orbots: "A Tale of Two Thieves", The Kid in this episode is pure Miyazaki!!
Shia: i know, right? and the cityscape is pure '80s anime cyberpunk.
Belladonna: finally a sexy femme fatale villain in this show. i am TOTALLY from the Voltron universe, look at my aqua-blue skin!!! this towering hunk of robot metal beside me is my lover Neutron. you WISH i was in a sticky situation, Rob!!!
Crunch: i'm not sad, i ate this streetpost lightpole like celery, i'm gradually learning how to eat my feelings.
Lucy Welcher in pink track trunks on the track starting line: like my shorts? shortcut? pashaw. I'M TOO PRETTY TO WORK!!! hence my perfect last name. fuck waking up everyday at 6AM for 60 years!!!
in the library den, the TV is switched to something for the last time.
CNN HLN Headline News: fuck Forensic Files!!! nobody watches Forensic Files!!! if you're gonna gut us at least replace us with a permanent The West Wing marathon, a quality show.
Obama: without The West Wing, i wouldn't have become President.
Ottessa Moshfegh fights with Eye Luggage for podcast space, there's only one booth in the whole school.
Eye: time is money? where's the spreadsheet i need to schedule a space for recording-time which costs money. there will never be enough time to do everything you want...
Ottessa Moshfegh: i met my husband during an interview, this is the only way writers can meet other people. my husband has a dangerous last name...
T.J. Holmes is outside at the only payphone on the entire school grounds shooting a quarter into a basketball net from a great distance while juggling two smartphones.
T.J. Holmes: SWISH!!! NOTHING BUT NET!!! where you shopping, boo?
Amy Robach: TJ Maxx of course.
Tatiana: we're a good lesbian couple. we're good for each other. we're fine. we're spicy when we need to be, we have the occasional juicy tryst on the massage table and sometimes in the bush in the bushes. but honey we are NOTHING like the HOT SEX Charlotte Drury and Laurie Hernandez have!!!
Mardith: we gotta get stronger. we gotta get our bodies to have those gymnastics curves.
Tatiana: or we'll BOTH get curved!!!
Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi in the Crespi crime-scene-unit lab: i got a show ONLY BECAUSE i was undefeated.........an undefeated prosecutor, i NEVER LOST a case.
LaVar Ball: ...
LaVar Ball: i'm a businessman.
Morocco on the high-school football field: Tiki-Taka, it got too cute.
Avo: what were we doing this Saturday?
me: i'm trying to experience how the other half lives cos we ain't NEVER gonna experience it here. so i've arranged for you, me, and Lucio Rossi's girlfiend to have a little detente, a little soiree, a little lunch at a movie.
Avo: cool. which theater?
me: that's the thing, the movie is in a MUSEUM!!! yeah, people don't realize that the best way to see a movie is your butt in a movie theater at a MUSEUM!!! museums have the BEST BIG SCREENS!!!
museum: yes we confess, all our science exhibits are Star Wars and Call of Duty and IMAX movies, there is NO OTHER WAY to get people to come to museums.
Eye Luggage pushing the SALE typewriter keystroke button on the Crespi cash register at the snack bar: Wall Street (1987) and go.
Laertus: can i pull the handle?
Shia LaBeouf: I WAS IN THIS MOVIE!!!.........no wait, nevermind.
Daryl Hannah: I HATED BEING IN THIS MOVIE!!! i hated every moment i was on that set, i wanted to be anywhere else but THERE. Aruba or my snow lodge in Idaho. i wanted to do more Disney movies!!! i was the only one who got along with Sean Young. Charlie Sheen was a putz.
Oliver Stone: better titles for this than Wall Street: Greed, Greed is Good, Mr. Sheen Goes to New York, The '80s, Paint the Tape, Slicked-Back Hair, Bulls' Balls, Darien Wasn't That Great, Money Money Money, Getting High, How to Prevent Suicide, Buildings
Oliver Stone: time is money, literally, i had ONE DAY to shoot this ENTIRE FILM. and it's a masterpiece cos i'm Oliver Stone.
Martin Sheen hugging his son Charlie around the neck and giving him a noogie: do you know how LUCKY we were, son?
Charlie Sheen: you're not gonna call a priest on me again are you dad? to give me Last Rites when i overdose on the street at the River Phoenix Club again.
Martin: don't be silly, boy, there is NO WAY you're religious. but a father is that Catholic safety net when the son is sleeping, you know? no, i mean think about that opportunity we had, we have PRIVATE HOME MOVIES of us making this movie, the Sheen home movies, home movies of this movie, videos which will NOT be on the director's cut or the backstage commentary, right?
Charlie: right. i will not sell out my family's good name for money. that's something Bud Fox would do.
Martin: thank you for letting me be in your movie, son. what father has had the privilege of acting with his offspring in a multibillion-dollar major motion picture extravaganza cultural landmark!!!
Leonardo DiCaprio: my dad was BANNED from the Titanic set.
Martin: boys have tossing around the pigskin with their dad on the orange lawn as their home movies. we have doing Wall Street as our home movies!!! we bonded over making a seminal film in the Library of Congress!!!
Charlie: Congressional semen, i like the way you think, dad, we're connecting on a deeper spiritual level, our minds are linked with a conspiracy thread like the dots i used to have in my head when i was crazy.
Charlie Sheen: hey, despite everything, my character NEVER TAKES DRUGS in this movie. only from call girls. my only drug here is money.
Andrea Thompson: hey remember me?!!! from NYPD Blue!!! do i make a more convincing call girl or a cop? a cop undercover as a call girl? Darien taught me everything i know. i have one of those ACCENTS that are heavy as fuck.
Gordon Gekko: do you like my character? do you think i'm pure scum, pure evil? my character INSPIRED all those '80s kids to become all the Wall Street brokers we have now who are bankrupting the country!!! who put us in impossible debt. who treat the workers like shit. the Elon Musks of the world. i had the OPPOSITE INTENDED EFFECT, but it's America, what do you expect, right? the only person i like is Jim Cramer, he's entertaining, he reminds me of my grandson's obsession with WWF wrestling.
Oliver Stone: okay, Mike, i'm giving you the big part.
Michael Douglas: thank you.
Oliver Stone: one problem, YOU CANNOT ACT. so.........that's the problem.
Michael Douglas: i know. i've never done anything like this before. i'll try my best. wait i gotta memorize 20 PAGES OF DIALOGUE?!!! come on, that's too much. i can barely breathe right.
Charlie: why are stockbroker buildings so TALL AND HIGH?
Gordon: the better to suicide with, my pretty. my real name is Gordon Geico but that little lizard sued me for all i had. that's how he got the money to make ALL those damn Geico commercials.
Charlie: Bud Fox? seriously?
Gordon: that's why i always call you PAL. cos you're my buddy. i hate South Park don't bring that up. you wanna be a player? you can have Darien as long as i have sex with her concurrently with you doing her.
Charlie: that's what business partners do.
at the office.
John C. McGinley: why do i always play OBNOXIOUS people? is it something in my personality? i want to be more kindhearted like i am here.
Charlie: you're every Jewish grandmother's dream, a broker and then a doctor on Scrubs.
Ayn Rand: hi. i feel i should be in this scene as one of the brokers in this firm, working alongside the boys, just one of the boys, you know? considering all the themes.
Charlie: why do you smoke?
Gordon: it's cool. smoking is cool in the '80s.
Charlie: i got you some Cubans.
Gordon: people?
Charlie: no, cigars.
Gordon: they only taste good if they're contraband. i can TASTE THE LEAF in this!! okay hotshot...
Charlie: ...Part Deux
Gordon: ...give me a secret stock no one's talking about.
Charlie: Tiger Blood.........with that HOT blonde CEO, but she's probably doing something illegal. how about my dad's plane company?
Gordon: plain company?
Charlie: yes but no, airplanes.
Gordon: how many crashes this past year?
Charlie: 15.
Gordon: manageable.
Gordon: gimme a dog.
Charlie: Scooby-Doo is fluent in French, Brian from Family Guy has a TERRIBLE case of fleas that's never addressed in an episode. Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes is a terrorist and why didn't they ever animate Marmaduke?
Gordon: okay it's time for my famous infamous GREED IS GOOD speech.
Oliver Stone: you ready? you memorized ALL 20 PAGES? if you pull this off you'll be allowed to meet a young Welsh up-and-comer named Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Gordon: i cannot wait to land her!!! Zeta, that means she will be my end.
Gordon: hey did you see my FACE after i did the speech? i was so HAPPY TO GET THROUGH IT!!! that isn't Gordon Gekko's greed-speech afterglow, that's Michael Douglas relieved that he remembered some of his lines.
Hal Holbrook: there are no shortcuts in life, son.
Charlie: for me there is cos i'm a Sheen.
Hal: we dismantled our balcony today before i announced the layoffs.
Laertus: i'm surprised this film doesn't have a suicide scene with that old lifer broker taking a swan dive off the skyscraper. really drive home the message with that patented brutal Oliver Stone violence.
Sir Larry Wildman: i eat your balls for brekkie.
Gordon: speak English.
Wildman: The Queen's English!!!
Gordon: so you're like that Virgin guy?
Wildman: how dare you, good sir!!! i beg your pardon, good sir!!!
Gordon: no the Virgin plane guy, airplane guy.
Charlie: excuse me, sir, have you read Sun Tzu's The Art of War?
Wildman: i gave Sun Tzu bad stock tips which led him to seppuku himself.
Charlie: Rule #1 in that book: run away.
Darien: can you admire art?
Charlie: no.
Darien: i'd explain abstract art to you but i'd be wasting my time, it'd go over your head.
Charlie: what is this, how Michael J. Fox and his wife met on Family Ties?
Michael J. Fox: i should have done this movie. me or Tom Cruise.
Charlie: WOO-HOO!!! ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET?!!!
Darien: oh yes. i'm having the best time here. racing dune-buggies on the beach is the most decadent thing you can do.
Charlie: yeah, this is what rich people did in the '80s, this and making those Chinese dumplings with that rare dumpling-maker from China, only 3 of those dough-squeeze-presses were ever made. upstairs in our high-rise kitchen with the blue tile.
Darien: okay I AM NOT FUCKING CHARLIE SHEEN. make those scenes as dark as possible. no light so nobody can see our faces.
Oliver: honey this is the work. i'd rather be kissing Brad Pitt, too.
Sean Young: COME ON I LOOK RIDICULOUS IN THIS MOVIE!!! look at my weird Egyptian crescent earrings!!! i look like a reject from Jesus Christ Superstar. why wasn't i Darien?
Oliver Stone: we had a whole thing where Bud has an affair with Gekko's wife but that whole part had to be cut for time.
Charlie: that sucks, i like Sean Young, Sean Young and i think alike, that would have been so cool to see on screen.
Gordon: not really, i never loved my wife, you can have Sean Young, take her, i don't care.
Gordon: i'm trying to be a big shot around here but these '80s computers look LAME. is this how Wall Street was in the '80s, with these lame bulky computers with green Tron graphics?
Bill Gates: hurt people hurt people. these were state-of-the-art computers in 1985.
Gordon: yeah, that's why the Challenger exploded.
Charlie: who am i? was i meant to be rich? was i meant to be a criminal? do i actually like acting or did my dad trick me? i'm having the first case of impostor syndrome.
Charlie: wait i don't want to trick James Spader, that could REALLY come back to bite me in the ass later, James Spader is CREEPY, look at that James Spader smile.
James Spader: could you win a strawman argument versus me?
Charlie: yes if it were on videotape and posted to the internet.
Spader: the internet? doesn't sound like a good idea.
Martin: i'm a good union boss. i make sure there's enough cash in my men's pension. i raised you better than this, Charles, what happened to you?
Charlie: i don't have a last name anymore like Scott Baio in Charles in Charge. Gordon says money like energy is neither created nor destroyed. except for that Trump guy. Michael Douglas is more of a father to me than YOU ever were!!!
Martin: yeah well at last your mom's not a whore, i made sure of that. i didn't get to the top by bedding call girls. instead i betted on myself.
Charlie: call girls? huh, dad you're onto something, you're a genius!!! call girls, dad, you've given me invaluable life advice!!! i love you. dad.
Daryl Hannah: yeah my whole backstory as a call girl was cut for time. which is actually better for me. i don't want to be here.
Martin Sheen in a hospital bed covered in wires looking gaunt: son, i can barely breathe. come over here and let me breathe in your mouth.
Charlie Sheen crying real tears: i hate to see you like this, dad, you look like a corpse. you look dead, dad.
Martin: you did this to me, son, all your late-night partying and carrying-on gallivanting around Hollywood at all hours of the night, i have no idea where you are, you're worrying me, you are a weird worrisome man. for the love of God please stop with the wild parties and the bizarre TV appearances, son, they're killing me.
Darien: sorry, dude, i need Gekko's billions of dollars to buy one piece of art in New York City.
Charlie: what am i being arrested for? controlling interest? insider trading?
SEC: you are under arrest for being Charlie Sheen.
Laertus: okay that's a BEAUTIFUL VISTA of a scene!!! Charlie and Gekko are TWO DOTS. Charlie walks longways in a straight line all the way to Gordon Gekko across the green grass of Central Park as the New York City skyline bathes the background in blue. or grey rather, my favorite color. WIDE LENS, EXPANSIVE SCOPE.
Tavern on the Green in the '80s: where the men AND the women wore suits, the little girls wore pink taffeta dresses and ballet slippers, the little boys were fishmongers with belt-buckles on their lines, and the logo was Satanic and not pastoral.
Codrus: i like to eat gingerbread houses. g'night folks.
David Byrne: Talking Heads did the soundtrack for Wall Street (1987). you immediately remember that ONE THEME, right? the fluty fanciful upbeat magical fairy-wing fairy-tale song of whimsy bathed in pixie dust. it kinda sounds like "Burning Down the House" but it isn't. played on panpipes. you know, the fairy music the fairy music. hey Charlie Sheen, HANDS OFF YOUR SECRETARY THAT'S MY WIFE!!!
Martin and Charlie in the car to the courthouse.
Martin: this is a hard lesson for you, son, but i'm proud of you, you did the right thing. earn money the noble way, by doing something creative, not by being a stupid unimaginative junk-bond corporate raider who just buys and sells and buys back other people's dream companies. don't steal. you GOTTA CREATE TO BE HAPPY.
Charlie: is it too late to be a venture capitalist?
Martin: no i mean CREATE SOMETHING.
Charlie: like.........a movie?
Martin: well.........okay sure that's a start i guess.
i enter the completed Crespi racquetball courts by feeding a wrinkled dollar bill through the vending-machine slot. the secret door opens behind.
me: this sucks. all high school students want that cold can of Coke at 1PM after you've failed the trig test.
Gordon Gekko is fixing his tie and squeezing his underpants in the locker room.
Gordon: i was always good with numbers. and Shakespearean speeches. kid, do you wanna read charts the rest of your life or do you wanna make some money?
me: i only read pie charts. cos i'm desperate for a girlfriend.
Gordon: printing money isn't a crime. all money is printed. you wanna know the difference between being a street performer and being Carl Icahn?
me: a Harvard MBA?
Gordon: yes. but also connection, you gotta make the right connections, meet the right people. i only went to city college, i had to take the ferry under the bridge, nearly got my head with the perfect hair chopped off. i lost my robe in the East River. if David Foster Wallace had been included in the New York Writers Circle he'd still be alive today.
Gordon: i gotta go, i'm busy, Charlie Sheen will take over your training, he will teach you from now on all you need to know in one day.
i wait for Charlie Sheen inside the racquetball court, the four glass walls are closing in on me.
Charlie arrives shirtless, sweating all over his hairy body, in trunks and socks.
Charlie: do you have anxiety? rich man poor man, you decide.
Charlie hits a blue racquetball which strikes the wall and ricochets HARD back at my penis. i crumple over in pain.
Charlie: see? you're gonna have blue balls the rest of your life if you don't make money. don't you want to meet women like Darien?
me in the fetal position sweating on the court: no i want to meet women like Jennifer Pizarro. is this what you did to Lucas?
UC Berkeley: your money is no good here.
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