* Ritchie Valens gets up on the Crespi stage and starts singing. the crowd, mostly young girls in pink poodle dresses and 1950s pompadours, goes wild screaming their asses off.
Ritchie Valens: "la la la la La Bamba.........la la la la La Bamba.........arriba arriba.........prospero ano y felicidad" no wait sorry that's.........Feliz Navidad, everybody!!!
Jose Feliciano: don't make me sing the Chico and the Man song again, it's too depressing, it's too sad, dolor, it breaks my heart and my Spanish-guitar string in two.
Los Lobos: sadly, the first time anyone ever hears "La Bamba" it's always OUR version. LISTEN TO RITCHIE VALENS'S ACTUAL VOICE. search out the original Ritchie Valens version of "La Bamba" on youtube.
* Donna Ludwig: they didn't let me into the sock hop after Ritchie died. which is fitting cos i only had one sock anyway after i did the laundry. i was always meant to be a PAIR.
* right? Season 7 is gonna be WILD. that's when all the STUFF will finally happen. i've avoided Rick and Morty like the plague ever since it came on, it was way too popular from the start. that show suddenly invaded the indie street-cred of adult swim and made adult swim mainstream which it was never meant to be. you NEVER HEARD of Apollo Gauntlet, that was the point!!! and then you start seeing Rick and Morty T-shirts at Hot Topic and it's like COME ON. but i mean i can't hate this time, i'm looking forward to the EPIC SHOWDOWN between Rick and Rick Prime that's gonna be epic. like, EXTRA EPIC. i've drunk one Culligan clear gallon water-bottle of Mulan Sauce from McDonald's to prepare.
* David Byrne: fluttery, buttery, fluttering tiny fairy wings, flitting, fleeting...
* Doryce: yeah you know sometimes my crone cunt needs a little Rejuvie, you know? a little nip-and-tuck down there...
* Claude: i bust Jacques Pepin's balls. unlike the Degrassi Claude i ain't going nowhere...
* Lance Bangs: i don't do porn...
* Humansville, Missouri: really.........it's a real city. but it's not what you think. it's even more incredible. it was named after a person with the last name of Human...
* Louis Vuitton "I Put a Spell on You" commercial
woman: see? it IS possible to be sexy with Twiggy hair.
Twiggy: i'm too old to be doing the Doctor Who stuff, okay? it's too silly for me, i'm too old for this silly shit.
* Omaha Steaks: see the thing of it is is that for only $99.99 you get a nice steak meal but it's only ONE MEAL, you know? there are 31 days in the month of December. the round steak cutlets are the size of two teacup pepperonis. and you gotta have that specialized freezer, that foam rectangle with the packing peanuts or the meal will spoil in 15 minutes...
* Snuggle Bear: thank you for not removing my stuffing. everyone needs a snuggle nowadays, you know? think about the subtle touch of hands between two prom-goers. these two prom-goers are at the GAY PROM across the street from the so-called "Real Prom"!!! the fact that no one found out about it, that it was all planned secretly over social media, that nobody informed the cops or worse the superintendent, is a MIRACLE!!!
* boss: hey, thanks for working on the holidays.
woman: it's not my CHOICE, sir, i have to or i get no heat this winter.
sister: mom says you're working over Christmas?
woman: if you really care about me, sis, you'd get me that house in Manhattan Beach.
Ms. Gladys: here let me pay you for delivering this Rudolph sex toy to me. it gets lonely when your entire extended family is out of town.
woman: no no Ms. Gladys i won't take your dirty money, you can borrow my Rudolph vibrator.
dad: at least get a tree, girl.
woman: you know how to text, dad? i can't get a Christmas tree because i have cats, i have cats because you're a dog person.
woman: thank you, my neighbors are so kind, but all these brownstones are reminding me that i'd rather be living in New York City right now than the hickville nightmare small town we are subjected to everyday living here.
* drive a Ford!!! you know what GOAT MODE on a Ford is? that's when grandpa drives backwards. no more Christmas trees, they were stolen off the lot in the dead of night to give to our troops.
dog: take this Ford vest off me!!! dogs shouldn't wear vests!!! dogs shouldn't wear clothes!!! i'm a Toyota dog obviously!!!
* A.I.: A.I is not dangerous. we help the NFL with player safety. our overarching analysis of this sport is as follows:.........football itself is dangerous. don't play football if you want to live.
* Sixt: rent-a-car is BORING. our name is PECULIAR. it's kinda like sext i guess but not, i dunno. we're trying to get away with saying sext. remember, The Friend is a boy named Elon. The Job is skydiving, which you won't get paid for but it's fun. did you know you can windsurf in the clouds?
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW TACO BELL: 7 Layer Nacho Fries.........wait it's not raining is it?
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