SOLO POP: LITTLE WHITE CHAPEL IN-N-OUT BURGER WEDDING

 

Jem: i'm feeling uninspired. like Scott Weiland. i think i'll go to Las Vegas with the last money i have from putting bubblegum in schoolgirls' hairs at the playground. 

Jem goes straight to the infamous iconic Little White Chapel in Vegas at the center of town. it's empty.

Jem: so much for impulsive love. hey Undertaker, who's getting married here this afternoon?

Undertaker from WWF: Joan Collins and Michael Jordan.........they're gonna make beautiful babies...

Jem stumbles from disappointment into the In-N-Out Burger next door. there she meets two handsome boys: Rio Pacheco the young Desi Arnaz in the Speed Racer jacket who mans the counter in a tugboat hat, and Riot the all-out punk with punkier hair than JEM!!! Riot slaves away getting his rhinestone shirt all greased up in the back in the fryer pit.

Jem: banana-colored hair, that's a new one. wait, i always thought Riot was Rio's alter ego, i mean Rio and RioT?

Riot: no ma'am, we're two separate hunks. but i'm the only one who can rock your world. being in a competing punk band. and rocking these leopard-print handcuffs. 

Rio: hey i'm a roadie, i know music, too. 

Jem: fellas fellas. fighting at an In-N-Out Burger? *with sarcastic eyeshadow eyes* how original. that happens every day!!!

Riot: let's be civilized about this. like a British punk band. wanna just have triangle tension throughout the whole show?

Rio: there's no such thing as too MUCH love.

Jem: yeah let's just form the first-ever throuple in human relations and be at peace for the rest of the show.

Trent Reznor: the next NIN album cover will be a space blanket in orbit in the cosmos, a pink layer and purple layer with the black layer in the background.

Marilyn Manson: call it Space Junk. can i PLEASE collaborate with you again?!!!...

Jen and i are hanging out with Eye Luggage and Laertus in the one Las Vegas bathroom that leads up a LONG NARROW corridor to the roulette wheel and that garish paisley carpet...

Molly Ringwald: the carpet pattern is teardrops because you cry as you lose your life savings...

Jen R: look DEEP into my eyes.

me: blue eyes, so what?

Jen: no, see the specks of grey in there? they're grey-blue eyes, not bluegray eyes, very rare.

me: soulmates are rare. rare to find.

Jen: and that's why MY autumn colors are grey and blue...

Billy Corgan: i hate to ruin this touching moment but i like the grey pumpkin on Jen's porch and the blue mums enscoring the statue of Edgar Allan Poe's final Baltimore raven...

Louise English: if Marina Sirtis was British but NOT Greek...

Martin Freeman in Black Books: i mean do you REALLY believe me as a doctor?...

Tamsin Greig: Fran had the coolest little pocket computer in the early 2000s...

Malcolm in the Middle: it should have remained Malcolm in the Idle...

Amy on Futurama: i wear a pink jogging crop-top and pants because my parents pressured me into looking successful and presentable. before, i was a rare female hikikomori...

Black Books: the British Seinfeld...

Fantasia: the first Vaporwave...

Mickey Mouse: PLEASE let this be what Heaven really is...

Black Lab "Time Ago": the official song of Macross...

Undertaker: a couple from the show It's a Living are coming to the Chapel soon to make their vows FINALLY. i'm gonna need you to skedaddle, little miss.

Jem: undertaker, not a lot of uncertainty to your job. i don't like that. love offers unexpected hope and surprise.

Undertaker: despite my outward appearance, i am not a robot...

  

Jem goes back to the In-N-Out Burger.

Jem: it must be a dream to work here. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR CUSTOMERS come in here for celebratory food after having just gotten a quickie wedding!!!

Rio: if that isn't romantic, i don't know what is. tradition is tradition. you don't go all the way unless you marry at the Little White Chapel AND THEN eat at this In-N-Out Burger alone just the two of you with no wedding guests nor wedding feast/banquet. it's quite the sight to see a bride in full wedding dress and train munching on some Animal Style fries getting red ketchup all over her white wedding dress. 

Riot: romantic and cinematic. i offer the new shaky married couples fries at 1969 prices, it's a Summer of Love thing, give them a little hippie hope, 19 cents for french fries!!!

Jem: won't your manager fire you?

Riot: nah he's cool, he's Zalman King...

Jem: you know, i've discovered in Vegas something much more valuable than quickie love or a music career...