LUCID OLD MAN: DIRTY WATER

 

i was FLOORED when i opened my front door that crisp morning and he was standing there on the welcome mat right in front of me.

me: DAD?!!! is that really you?!!! where the hell have you been the past 24 years?!!!

dad: out. you know, going to libraries and stuff.

me: you look good. your mind is a steel trap that's been treated with wine.

dad: i'm smarter than when i was 14.

dad: look at you, son. only a dad can tell the truth to his son without consequence.

me: what? i just woke up.

dad: that's the problem, you always look like you've just woken up, both meanings. even at noon. do you really want a wife? it's not about a job, it's about looking like an artist. look at your shadow over there, you look like Big Bird. you look like a bird, not a human.

Doing Time on Maple Drive: the emotional scenes in this are used by suburban acting lessons to teach the students how to display crazy anger...

another old man, not my dad, knocks at my door from Meals on Wheels. he looks like Santa.

old man: how's your mom doing?

me: she's taken to the infusions well. only thrown up once.

old man: and how are YOU doing?

me: thank you for that, Santa man. it's been HARD. nobody ever inquires about caregiver stress.

old man: see? Santa isn't a creep for knowing all about you. he just wants to know if you're okay.

Embrace of the Vampire: the woman photographer who seduces Alyssa Milano, she was an ancient siren. 

Alyssa Milano: too bad she didn't bite my glorious breasts, that would have been hot.

the wearing of pajamas: family-structure stability in the '80s...

Moby: my ENTIRE music career was so that by some miracle someone like me would end up with Natalie Portman. when that didn't really happen, boy was i lost...

Jennifer Capriati: why not an indoor tennis Grand Slam tournament? on carpet. i'm trying to get back in the game here, you know? if i become tennis commissioner i can salvage my life: get a man, have a kid, put black D.A.R.E. stickers on my minivan.

Catholic priest: as long as you don't become a Catholic pest...

Killer Klowns from Outer Space: it's the Engine Room from Star Trek: The Next Generation, that blue warp core that looks like a giant baby's circle-stack toy.

Sundays: are for soccer now,  not football...

the last line of New Radicals "You Get What You Give": you're all fakes, run to your mansions, come around, we're Lech Walesa!!!

Disturbia day dress: goth sundress.

Nikki McCann Ramirez: i'm your Janeane Garofalo '90s boho best friend in the sneakers navigating you through modern politics...

a dentist at Fedco: you can chew Clorets gum instead of brushing. they're green so they're good for the environment. they're pillow-shaped so you can relax.

Jackie Fitzgerald and Walker: we had a party last night to celebrate the weather getting cooler. sorry for the noise.

me: no worries, i like New Radicals "You Get What You Give" being played by a house band for 6 hours.

Jackie: i'm more into Bach and opera but because Walker has long straight blond hair he is required to play a black bass guitar in an electric band.

New Radicals: we are not Third Eye Blind...

Embrace of the Vampire: our vampire teeth are subtle...

Martin Kemp: boring ending for Alyssa Milano to go back to her milquetoast boyfriend. if she had taken a sumptuous chance and went off with me, we would have lived forever, so there would have been a sequel like those godawful Twilight movies. i look like if Chris Kattan was sexy.

Alyssa Milano: sorry but ballet is boring. spandau sounds like a stretchy yoga nylon.

Prince: it's weird how this movie was filmed in Minnesota...

Adam Levine: you were a dead frog in bed.

Maria Sharapova: that is scandalous, Adam. okay, you know what, i'm gonna pay tribute to Debbie Harry: i'm gonna go on The Muppet Show---the good one, the '70s one---and kiss Kermit the Frog in his sockhole.

Clint Howard: the next time you see a buffet pan with ONE tater tot in it, think of my face.

army cook: i'm if Anthony Bourdain and Adam Arkin made a man.

Love Death + Robots: cartoon Black Mirror...

Lucky: our Coinstar is quiet as it gives you your slip for all those jangly clanging coins, the buttons you push are QUIET. we're not rowdy. we're a dignified library. i mean where else can you get the PARTY SIZE of Funyuns?...

Billy Corgan: Neath the Darkest Eves, it should have been Neath the Darkest Eaves!!!

Allen Ginsberg: you will NEVER spell my name right...

Downtown Carmel: tiny NARROW sidewalks...

me: i can't believe you're 90 years old like mom, dad.

dad: i have all my faculties. i can run a faculty at any cozy college.

me: you can FINALLY write that book. the book you REALLY wanted to write...

dad: i play marbles with the neighborhood kids and whip their asses before it's time to go inside for dinner and Pac-Man.

me: that's the first time you've ever said the word "asses." it's rad how you have a long flowing white beard now like Gandalf the first wizard you taught me about.

dad: especially since i have curly hair... 

dad: i am a creature of the world, creature.

me: i miss your nickname for me.

dad: i am an animal of Earth, son. i sense all around. clearer than i ever have before. i smell. i SMELL things. i don't wanna talk about Trump, he'll give me a heart attack. i can smell the dirty water coming from your sink, your dishwasher, and your washer.

me: the kitchen sink smells funky, the bathroom sink smells like mint. i washed my clothes for the first time in ten years after your visit.

dad: i am at one not with the life on this planet but with its death...