SAX, PLAY US OUT: WELCOME TO THE WATER CLOSET

Boc is having problems. he doesn't know what to do. she was a she for most of her life but now is a he. but that's not the problem, for nobody can tell the difference anyway. people look at him and see he's either a boy with a pixiecut or a tomboy who likes men with one muscle. the problem is he feels nobody actually sees him. he is on the other side of the building, the other corner from the Orchid Girls...

Boc: it's not the they in question, it's the fundamental and scary right to exist. it's the unwavering and unswerving soul-stirring baffling concept of live and let live. i mean can you really do that? can you really do that for me? ensure my safety? look into my eyes and see them with your eyes as your eyes. recognize that, yeah, maybe it would be wrong if i got killed by police. whatever my track record in the timetrials. that, yeah, maybe i can do more than be a rapper, basketball player, or politician. if i master the flute i will. if i master the piano i will. if i master the violin in tribute i will. if i master the organ dammit i will. no shame, never full stop, always full tilt. i mean look at my skin. really look at it: it's green with orange flecks. how does your brain up till now conditioned as it has been, weaned on reddit, contend with such a thing? what is your quick comeback? your list of all possible responses to masks, Costco, racism, and the best places to get a handjob at Disneyland during the pandemic. no, my favorite film is NOT E.T.! 

Germane: i'm still unloading the washer. and the dishwasher. please come back at 4...

Tyzik: commercials?

Dirg: what does the A in Chick-fil-A stand for?

Laertus: Asshole.

Boc: it's not Bawk, that's for sure.

Takahashi: where did you go last weekend? i scrambled for you but couldn't find you.

Dirg: i think you mean where were you? did you get yet another new car?

Takahashi: sure. my new ride was the Isuzu Faster in the parking lot. it's basically a lean truck.

Dirg: you didn't see me? from on high? i was riding the Gatekeeper Rollercoaster. just to see if the bolts would hold. i mean look at that blatant out-in-the-open Illuminati Phoenix as the machine's spirit animal! i went to The Habit burger grill. like In N Out but new. soggier lettuce cos they dab just a skosh more thousand-island.

Cotard: oh that's lovely, young man! i haven't given up on you. you can always make good habits for yourself till you die. how's the gift shop over there? can you get a new monk habit? i've been cleaning my mask by placing it out on the sidewalk with the eggs and nut-house chalk but the Weather Channel says nothing on habits...

Dirg: it was okay. a little rare for my tastes...the meat that is...

Cotard: here. take this magazine that's been burning a hole in the cobwebbed corner of my cell...

Dirg: your cowl pocket? oh cool! The Habit Magazine! that's the Gilligan's Island Tina Louise on the cover!

Eye Luggage: Greta Thunberg looks like Bjork as a girl. Bjork was in a band you know. no, i mean Bjork was Beth Gibbons in Portishead...

Dirg: did Portishead ever play Portland?

Laertus: shame Portishead hasn't been heard from in a decade. they hated the trip-hop label but you gotta ride the horse that brung ya. they're one of those bands that haven't officially broken up but...

Orchid Girls: we checked their website...we think...we're Nene from Bubblegum Crisis!

Mardith: Beth Gibbons is the perfect example. here is a woman who was good-looking enough that people asked questions why she was a spinster with no kids. but she didn't gauge her own internal happiness by how outside external traditional boxing societal forces saw her...

Eye: that Beth is a wandering star. a free spirit. a bohemian gypsy bird who flies. can't be tied down by anyone, even herself. 

Pat: philly blunts for everyone. here. here. new heat old heat. poke this poke that.

Eye: Cuomo's Boyfriend Cliff is the Jodorowsky Holy Mountain!!!

Cotard: you see this Swiss Chocolate Java Monster? very rare. 

Dirg: yeah, i went to The Store and saw the last can on the top shelf. and it was there that i stopped myself in my tracks in my head. and i remembered what you said, Taka.

Cotard: you're learning! i'm praying for you. like i'm praying for all those nuns in that convent. Codrus thinks this stuff is funny. 

Codrus: when it comes to ventilation. window ventilation in old buildings...

Dirg: this was my ONLY chance in all of eternity to try this flavor. it wouldn't be there tomorrow. there wouldn't be a tomorrow. so i drove back, well Taka drove back ten miles, back to the store so i could get it. 

Takahashi: and i paid for it, too, you cheapskate.

Cotard: turn the can around. see all the squares? and the flag of multicolored squares? 

Dirg: all secret symbols of the Illuminati. and the Matterhorn, best place for a handjob. and the gay agenda.

Cotard: see that one square with the monk in it. see? this drink is for monks only.

Eye: i had a similar experience at The Store. i saw them on display, the Pickle Rick Pringles.

Takahashi: beware of new Pringle flavors!!!...

Eye: i'm not even a fan of the show. cos it's still fratboy mentality, you know?

Laertus: i'm not a fan cos it's too popular.

Dirg: i'm not a fan cos i'm jealous of it.

Eye: but i stopped myself. and said my default position is always to say no and put things out of mind. but why not try this time? i'm not a fan of the show but was like, well, why the fuck not. so i got them. and it turns out i WILL eat to the bottom of the cylinder this time cos dill chips actually taste good!

Dirg: NO DON'T!!!

Madame Pons: so i'm thinking of tearing down the Walgreens and naming my tea shoppe Chai High.

Pons: you're teaching me, Mardith. why just yesterday in the late afternoon i saw the notice for her on my IG and my default reaction is always to skip it. but i did it this time, i had my first experience of being live with my favorite celebrity. it was magnificent and in-the-present-moment. it's scary to be present like that, doing what needs to be done at the time.

Dirg: a bowling alley is just a family-friendly night club. or a family-friendly stripper joint.

Laertus: this is how long i've been on Instagram: i was there when they first met on Instagram. and i was there when they each posted their own separate divorce posts on Instagram...

Doryce and Gladyce are in the elevator together:

Gladyce: i want to thank you, dear. when i was alone on that foggy island on my solo mission, your gift was a goddesssend. your gift of you, present with me. just what i needed at that exact right time! that care package with the Gummies from Around The World, it made me feel so special, i retraced my steps and relived all my old vacations when i was a young girl going from European village to European gingerbread chalet. 

Doryce: my favorite are the tubes of filling...i'm guessing from Iceland?...shall we away to Olive Garden?

Dirg: not Olive Garden, O.G. that ain't no pepperoni pizza, that's eggplant parmigiana!

Laertus: the Radical Monarchs, they have SUCH a cool innovative logo!!!

Pons: see, Mardith? look at Sjana.

Laertus: i need a sauna after i write.

Eye: i can help you with your back...

Mardith: yeah Sjana. exactly. see what i'm saying, she's a wellness coach cos she's hot, not the other way around.

Doryce: just cos you buy it from The Store ain't mean you're gonna end up eating it. with Dirg in The Treehouse...

Pat: remember the Nice Guys Drive-In Theatre…?

Doryce: I DON'T CARE!!! i cook the Stouffer's French Bread Pepperoni Pizza even if it's not microwaveable for two minutes on high AND THEN I EAT IT!!!

Gladyce: it looks like a traffic light row of red lights. reminds me of the old country, eating it with Grandma and Grandma on our long solo quiet trips across Transylvania...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: was the My Hero Academia movie REALLY necessary? really? the My Hero Academia movie, that would have been perfect for toonami in December...

Eye: Hey Arnold The Jungle Movie and go.

Alex Trebek: !

Dirg: let's not beat around the bush or the penis: is this a movie or a 90-minute regular episode? cos look at the endcredits……...it's just another episode...

Dirg: Arnold's mom's got a nice butt. she's a milf. is this a recurring nightmare or a wet dream for Arnold? oh GOD those froufrou fancy inner city New York City city-skyline glass skylights as the apartment roofs. but no crosses on the windows, yet they claim to be eyes to God. 

Germane: i patterned this building after that one...

Laertus: i mean that was cruel what Nick did to Craig. you can't leave a creator-animator animal hanging off a cliff like that, they are creatures of habit and spirit! this way to wrap up the series, this finale, should have been, oh i don't know, done a decade ago???!

Dirg: don't tease a man who has children's-music albums to make!

Eye: when people still cared about this wonderful series, a retro Clarence!

Eye: Helga Pataki is one of the greatest creations in all of Creation. she is a fully-formed motivational and motivated character full of vim and vigor and doesn't take fuck from anyone. she is self-actualized from seed. of the tip of the pen. she says what she wants, feels what she wants, and she's gonna get her man if she has to kill him!

Dirg: Helga was tsundere before anyone knew what that was or watched anime for the first time in the sixth-grade bathroom. the ultimate tsundere she is, that's not healthy for girls. bad for their gut digestion. they need to let it all out, stop lying to themselves and others, and stop being a drama queen.

Eye: but what if Helga grows up to be an actress?

Laertus: which football-head came first, Arnold or Stewie? oh i LOVE Mason Vale Cotton! 

Dirg: my favorite cotton. you ain't fooling nobody with that unnecessarily-tiny baseball cap, Arnold. that ain't no cap, that's a blue condom for Helga...

Laertus: his voice is so unique and warm and at-ease and comforting and full of brown sugar, it's so friendly and instantly identifiable. why is not this man Keanu or Keanu's apprentice? he seems to keep a VERY low profile, and Arnold seems to be the only thing he does...

Eye: Arnold Shortman. last name Shortman, clever.

Dirg: Alfred Molina plays EVERY Spanish bad guy. every SINGLE Spanish bad guy...and of course every white guy on tv has to have a black best friend...

Eye: 33. Gerald was down with Smashing Pumpkins from jump.

Dirg: it's all downhill from here, kid. trust me, take it from me. once you enter sixth grade, you start getting homework that lasts all night...

Laertus: the grandparents are still on about '60s causes bless em. beepers? BEEPERS!!? no wonder business is bad!!!

Dirg: i was waiting for that water closet to say Owned By The Government. or Fields.

Eye: Rhonda the brunette Paris Hilton. oh i love how they hint at the Phoebe/Gerald 6th-grade hookup, cute couple! flame it in the bathroom, guys! they're made for each other, they both see through Helga's bullshit.

Laertus: oh man that's a bummer. Pigeon Man was such a seminal character for me growing up. his tale was not sugarcoated, they even intimated at the end of his episode that he had killed himself in hopeless despondence when he realized he'd never be able to get out of his homeless outcasted-by-society situation.

Dirg: didn't affect me at all...

Eye: death by balloon...

Laertus: but there he is, OKAY. and he's moved to France for fuck sake!

Eye: you know what they say about that therapeutic Parisian vineyard sun... 

  

Eye: how does Olga get all the hunks? baby voice, baby, baby voice. cell phone bars, prison bars. that one kid who's a little too in love with his bewts and Nudie suit.

Dirg: and the kid who breathes heavily. not all heavy-breathers are pervs, some may really have asthma. and look, he saved the day! no movie without the perv.

Laertus: it really is a STROKE of brilliant genius to explain the decade of absence. they have the parents in a coma of sleeping sickness. sleeping sickness. SLEEPING SICKNESS. divine. i've never seen that before. i mean not even SOAP OPERAS use sleeping sickness!

Laertus: oh and did you see the pig see it? you missed it. the pig knows the guy is a fake and snorts, everyone misses that. i admit, they got me with the ol' switcheroo, the guide turns out to be the bad guy. 

Eye: the line hey, Arnold as the first line from the parents after ten years when they wake up: perfect. pitch-perfect. yeah see, back then boarding houses weren't frowned upon as hippie pipe dreams.

Dirg: god damn autonomous zones. don't make any floating islands, kid, leave that to a direct-hit to Hawaii from a hurricane. 

Gordon Ramsay: is it that Mexican restaurant? no, no it is not...

Eye: you never know a person's story, Dirg. an ethnic person's story living in your boarding house...

Dirg: China, nuff said. San Lorenzo? i swear i thought that was a made-up place...why is the class dragging Arnold? kids need to be left in cages, builds character...SOS, not BOOBS...

Laertus: you never know what a person goes through daily. good news, no more kids left to their own devices struggling to survive without parents. the Green Eyes in this case was jealousy. bad news, it's a maze. good news, those darts are out of poison tips...only Lasombra deserves the cliff this week...

Dirg: the Dodgers skipper when they won the World Series in the '80s with crowds?

Eye: no, Spanish Pinhead. or Spanish Evanescence Amy Lee.

Eye: WE GOT REAL LIP KISS! not a mask! and the raising of the girl-leg to boot! oh so Classic Hollywood! not outdated at all! yeah Helga's a stalker but she owns it! atta girl, get yo man.

Dirg: and the school doors close on Arnold's parents. Arnold says he will see his parents again at that same spot at 3:30...you know what happens at 3:30... Arnold gets let out of school and his parents are not there at the spot...his parents are gone...again...forever...Arnold freaks the panic fuck out again...g'night, folks...

Dirg: wish they kept that parade footage...true Americans love a parade...not that stupid Portlandia parade... 

Mardith is literally bouncing off the walls.

Mardith: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE! it could go either way. i like this man i've been zoom-dating with and i want to send him a DM. 

Dirg: known in Saved By The Bell parlance as "taking it to the next level..."

Mardith: but why sugar it, why play games? why dance around it with more lovey-dovey posts? why not list it direct. i want to tell him by DM:

i want to fuck you

that's it. i want his dilf dick.

Dirg: not all zoom meetings are zoom dates...

Pons: huh. could be sticky and tricky. he could be married.

Mardith: he is. with a kid. and i'm bff's with his wife.

Pons: he could perceive it as harrassment. he could receive it and not respond, not seen it, so you'll have no idea and never know. he could take offense and never text you again. is he the type to be playful or stick-in-the-ass?

Mardith: that's the thing i don't know. why most it be binary? why must it be beat or beat it? he is very straitlaced and serious and powermad and entrepreneurial. then again he still responds to my DMs with hearts. i told him once half-jokingly that if he ever wanted to fuck i was down and let me know. but i don't think he got that. that was the thing: half. he never saw it. i told him later in the year that if he wasn't married i'd be on him like white on rice.

Dirg: with women, you don't have to be explicit. they know exactly what you mean when you send them stuff...…...Wonder Woman art and pics of the moon...

Boc looks wainfully and wanfully at the two women:

Boc: BE HONEST. always be honest and direct with people. no matter if you're real or online. and NEVER think the people you're interacting with are beneath you, that you're smarter than them...

Pons: at The Store people were wondering where my mop was.

Dirg: same. i mean some jamoke thought i was the butcher and wanted help handling his meats. 

Mardith: that's cos you two bozos wore thick dishwashing gloves to The Store!

Pons: well shit. and here i was thinking i was the next Carol Burnett...i thought they wanted to see me dance in the aisles, not cleanup them!

Mardith: we need to get you some new clothes, you look like Pigeon Woman. also, it doesn't help that on your Instagram profile it reads

no DMs. I'm not interested in finding love online

then why are you online?

Germane: here you go, Boc, thanks for waiting. i've set you all up. here are the various papers. you got an 8AM with Kanye to get fitted for his bulletproof vest, just in case. he'll be going to see a psychiatrist in every city on the campaign trail. two tickets to Orlando to see LeBron in The Bubble. and you're doing the rap album to the 12 Oz. Mouse revival...

Dirg: Ozmo as the kids call it...

Boc: um, your heart's in the right place, Germane. but no. i did it all myself. i helped myself. i got myself a scholarship all on my own to the Berkeley Berklee. i applied online, and earned it.

Dirg: oh. i thought you just hacked into their system and sent all their white-privilege admissions to the New York Times to get in. 

TMIT: STEPDAD JOKES

1. what movie can you watch over and over and never tire?

my home movies. but if we're talking Hollywood gotta go with the greatest film of all time: Wings of Honneamise. that's animated OR non! you thought i was gonna say Wings from 1927, huh

if it's strictly non-animated, it's gotta be Lars's Melancholia. right? there will never be a mood, an atmosphere created like that again. everyone now is rentng his Epidemic from the last Blockbuster Video.

now the film that you watch and never tire of cos you keep discerning new clues and sight gags from and upon each repeated viewing is, well, Inception. and the Star Wars Holiday Special. Bea Arthur does that thing with her lips...

2. who is someone you only met once but they left a big impression on you?

me. in a bad way. granted i met myself when i was in a bad way. oh and Gandhi wearing a Nirvana shirt in my lucid dream...

3. if you had to run away from everyone, where would you hide yourself?

the monastery. scratch that, the hermitage. scratch that, Fort Knox. where all the government scratchers are stored. from the California Lottery. scratch that, where Jerry hides from Tom. scratch that, wherever my galavanting global girlfriend wants to go...

4. what is the worst topping to put on pizza?

pineapple. cos you know there's no going back after that. you have to entertain her after dinner. in your bed. you have to perform. suddenly the flopsweat starts forming on your brow...tasty cum is a curse...

5. what do you spend most of your time doing?

trying to figure out how the fuck i get out of my situation...

BONUS: if you could pick any animal to talk, which would it be?

i want Scooby-Doo with a PhD in Speech Therapy. Noops, Tex, Talia, Trinity. i want Garfield to SPEAK those beautiful thoughts of his, TALK, GARFIELD, TALK!!! i want that brown cow over there over the fence to come up to me and with his hoof hit me in the stomach for all of humanity's callous puns about him and his family. and then the brown cow explains to me the truth behind all those methane farts...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

COW FARTS

notes:

* also known as bovine burps

* yeah it's confusing. there's Julie Payne the actress. and Julie Payne the other actress. and Julia Payne. and the one that's a producer...

* Takahashi: not THAT Red Sprite, Dirg.
Dirg: those look like HD palm trees straight from Heaven!!! the sky opened up, pick the manna fruit from the sky trees!
Takahashi: Eddie Vedder does great work.

* Cotard: i love looking at old pictures. like old photos from the '80s of Mammoth Lakes and Big Bear Lake. i swear there was a Macy's up there that i frequented when i was considering the priesthood. i told myself i'll take the oath only if they have those woolly fuzzy brown socks...
Dirg: they carry them. i like old videotape. it carries. like voices. i saw one of those pics you had, it was of a mom old-skool style in a groovy '70s heavy log-colored coat in the woods carrying a boombox in paperboy hat next to a hoodless Pinto.
Cotard: it's not what you think. she was my ride-or-die when we took the bus together...

* no ruby rhinestones yet, still a kid

* what rhymes with methane? besides pain.

* ironically, Skeletor provides the gas masks...

* you thought facemasks were bad, wait till everyone has to wear gas masks forever for climate change...the sex will get kinkier at least...

* no those are just paper flames

* lemongrass. brilliant. but what if the cow has a sweet tooth?

* yeah but why the kids enter a carnival tho

* i honor everything Burger King is trying to do. it's important, vital, and necessary. but this won't get me to eat an Impossible Whopper, either. i'm still scared from the first commercial. i know it's the future of food but it would just be a wasted trip for me...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. since Burger King has all the headwind this week, it would be futile to stand in THAT line and get blown away. even the line outside. so instead i've opted for The Habit. why? cos it's NEW!!!!!!!!!!! baby. and the monk thing. i'm a sucker for new burgers and fries i haven't tried yet! new tastes in the area where there are no new tastes for miles! takes me back to my first bite of thousand-islandy In N Out Burger in 7th grade!!!...forget pubes, i became a man THAT day...i made ALL the island girls my wives...

SAX, PLAY US OUT: GAME GIRLS

Courtney E. Morgan, Amy Pistone, Ginny Hogan, and Whitney Mallett may walk together as a unit, but they are four of the strongest independent lens-minds this block or Obec U has ever seen. the group approaches Germane's room, though nobody knows exactly where Germane's room is located.

they just sort of feel it out in the dark despite the lights being on and paid for. they just sort of sense like all the residents do when Germane is taking a shower. not the short sound of water droplets on tile but rather a feeling.

Germane: don't worry about the rent. i'd be nice to have a quadruple but i'll manage. i will help you but i'm currently taking a shower so that will be my day today. come back at 4 when i'll be done getting ready for the day.

Orchid Girls: see! this is stupid. i told you we shouldn't have come. we don't need a man for this or anything!

Orchid Girls: well of course WE know this. but THEY don't. you have to implode the organization from the inside. the patriarchy has had free reign since time began to write the history books we were forced to learn from. almost turned us off reading. it's gonna take time. time we don't have. what we need is a major in.

Dirg: ladies. ladies, wanna join my club? there's lotsa room. how do i address you? they, right? no seriously, they is the correct pronoun now. what is your major malfunction THIS morning, you she's.

Orchid Girls: what rock'd you slime outta?

Dirg: hey don't you gals live over there by the corner? corner room. you should be called the Corner Cun…

Orchid Girls: we're the Orchid Girls!!! you know, we're getting the band back together! reinstating the institution, it's been far too long without our influence. the problem we have is YOU. the way you guys perceive us. you dismiss ALL of us as those she-devil WASPy New York elite Yale Boness Club jewess princess girls with the milkers. who all think the same, who think men are trash, we've never had a real orgasm, and generally all have the same jokes about our vaginas and kissing Johnny Depp posters at every brick-wall comedy gathering. we all wear green sweaters and have glasses we don't put on in public, draw the same ironic cartoons about balloons with penises, are the only ones who live by our local public library. wrote our first book at age 11. we hate twitter but can't live without twitter. trying to slive post-9/11. our purses filled with individually-wrapped bubblegum. hopeless-romantic twentysomethings with girl crushes who ate our chapstick at prom. that perception of us, THAT perception...

Dirg: i was napping. not nodding, this is actually my designated nap time. i hear ya, i hear ya, this ain't DuckTales no more! seriously tho there are WAY too many cartoons and comic panels with the brain and the heart as characters...

Taki: i just don't know. i just don't know what to do. for the first time in my life i'm at a loss for actions. i genuinely have no idea what to do. what should i do? everytime i clean up Pons's mess of her evening dinner, there's a brown carry-out square filled with three clear circles of sauce. it's all so messy. sometimes the sauce is spilled or it's left full in the container. should i rinse each individual sauce tray EACH time!!!? that would take hours! or do i leave all the food in there as i recycle? i love my sister but i'm losing strength. i'm a ghost...

at the Red Circle Table:

Tyzik: commercials?

Jada: ooohh oooh oooooooh. they so missed a point! it was right there in their hands! they have Jeff Goldblum doing a once again notha commercial for Apartments.Com. the place for a place. and it's one featuring a fly flying around the room. i can't BELIEVE they didn't do a The Fly motif! that was the perfect riff!

Dirg: Jada, do you have a major announcement?

Jada: Red Circle Table will be closed all the month of August……...what? it's our usual summer vacation...i have an entanglement with August...i don't like August much, the month...

Pat arrives carrying on his head boxes and boxes of hot Mr. Mac's Mac N Cheese for everyone.

Orchid Girls: not that kind of hot box.

Takahashi arrives in his new G Wagon.

Takahashi: Baconator Pringles taste disgusting...

Takahashi: i mean why spend any time doing an online Yelp review of a Taco Bell...?

Laertus: why did they change the Gabi dude with the heavy accent!!? too ethnic for you?, you stupid corporate exec bastards.

Takahashi: you can add any any ANY word before Pizza and you got yourself a pizza place...

Dirg: Forge of Empires, i mean come on. see? see, bro? the two cavemen were gonna trade the wife, perfectly legitimate, but they stop short at the last minute. civilization would have been better if they hadn't...

Eye Luggage: Vin Gupta is MSNBC's trying-to answer to CNN's Sanjay...

Laertus: the new Teen Titans Go Night Begins To Shine special...

Dirg: what's wrong with the millennial PC neutering of all America.

Laertus: but you gotta admit, the Sam Elliott sheriff was cool...

Eye: that '80s NBTS music is the only music me and my mom can listen to together. it brings her back to her glory days and me to the start of goth music. even after the third one she thinks it's NKOTB...

Dirg: why is anonymous sex in your city following me on Instagram?...Paul Kane the painter still has a twitter!!!...

Eye: Le Bon Marche! this department store is still open!!!

Mardith: do you know how you find your soul mate?

Madame Pons: stop looking?

Mardith: find a girl who reads...

Pons: you're teaching me. i am so proud of you. here i am curled up in a nervous ball shuttered in my room looking up rage rituals online, and here you are being so brave and taking the leap of female faith and going on zoom dates! you're strong. you live life fearlessly. to you it's not a risk, it's simply the next thing. i could never muster the courage for a zoom date now in these times with a complete stranger! for me it's a refill. a refill of pills. you let NOTHING stop you from finding love! i'm looking right now at the entry form for Lost Resort, that TBS reality show for alternative healers, i need to get out there again...

Dirg: i love that Papa Roach song. i masturbated to that song that night instead of going to prom...

Vacc: i know about time. the pain of wait. waiting for an eternity locked up in a guess, an idea, a thought, a worry, a sign. as a doctor i'm completely helpless. each and every morning i do the same thing. it's my routine. i google vaccine, remdesivir, and dexamethasone to see what the headline will be. it's been months doing this now, i've recorded in my head each and every day of these months. there's no progress for months, the headline each day is just a slight tweaking to include some new word of information...it's a good sign the stock market is buying out all the old stock of supplies...

the crones come back from Kare Toronto:

crones: oh she's a mensch! she's a mensch alright! so many delicate unique tragic trinkets there! for our lavender laboratory! and the red giraffe...

Gladyce: we're come back from watching Neowise…

Doryce: that comet won't be back for 7000 years!

Gladyce: i'll remember to wake you...

Doryce: i fucked Neowise. his tail blew my back out. that man had an old soul...

Doryce: it was so beautiful at night at the viewing party on the hill. all of us rolled around when the clouds came in, i promised marriage to each and every pad monster there...…...no, not my period, linebackers...

Laertus: Bryan Callen is just a Joe Rogan wannabe.

Dirg: that Costco karen was wearing a mask! that's disappointing...

Eye: Robert Pirsig's son was killed in a...Zen center? in San Francisco!!!? is there no justice in the world!!? was there ever justice in the world?

Dirg: notice how beloved Grant Imahara was? why do the ethnic types get more love than the white hosts?

Eye: *konks him on the head* cos the public they see their struggle, dummy!

Dirg: why, Dominique Provost-Chalkley, why!!! what a waste!!! she was my chalk on every brackets!!! she was my schoolteacher opening early...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i admit, Greenberg got me into a Taco Cabana. even in Texas. i wanted to see if their green drink is just a Sonic Lime Slush Float. that green taco made me green. too much chile. Texas, a red state, won't be blue soon, it'll be green soon...

Eye: yeah i mean those art galleries of the '70s, you know? that just isn't a thing anymore, sadly. all that ambiance and atmosphere are forever gone. see, nobody's gonna spend $1200 for an art piece, ANY art, you now simply view the art at another Instagram post and move on...

Eye: My Hero Academia: Two Heroes and go.

Laertus: also known as the Snyder Cut.

Dirg: the two heroes, of course, being money and fame. Plus Ultra! i love that Depeche Mode album...

Dirg: wait, why wasn't the Frog Girl included in the action!!? she's best girl!!! neither the Invisible Girl! Invisible Girl is best girl!!! will they FINALLY show what she looks like, show? i mean eventually this girl is gonna have a sex scene and the outline of her features is gonna be revelaed covered in cum.

Dirg: wait, hold up hold up. no way! Melissa Shield. no teen girl has tits that large. and look at that ass! that is the phattest ass of all time!!! but why oh why did the animators make her wear glasses?

Vacc: i don't get it. why isn't she wearing a face shield?...

Dirg: she is, her glasses.

Laertus: like a mermaid with glasses, rare and representational.

Eye: you'll see, dummy, watch the film to the end.

Dirg: All Might's smile: creepy or Supermanesque? i'm thinking of getting my wisdom teeth pulled during the pandemic...

Dirg: whoa! All Might lookin' like that Skinny Superman!

Laertus: you need to save all the wisdom you can. so this island, this island's the MMA Fight Island, huh.

Dirg: yeah, Ochaco's not jealous. just tell me, i don't have time to read the manga, she and Deku end up married, right?

Tyzik: all that matters is if their kid will be green...

Eye: that ain't no gauntlet, that's the Game Genie!!!

Laertus: Deku will help! and so will......the others!

Dirg: oh look, THIS is actually where IcyHot uses his fire for the first time. *sarcastically* thanks, toonami.

Germane: up so many stairs my eyes see stars. couldn't they have just used the elevator?...

Dirg: ah now i get it. the glasses in the beginning delivers the audience the fatal blow of seeing Melissa Shield now fucking hot without glasses. in her prom dress. this is all for paheal later...

Dirg: i know what it feels like when a lifelong childhood friend betrays you. right, Laertus? David Shield, i mean is it okay to keep secrets form your daughter if it's for the greater good?

Laertus: just ask Corin Nemec.

Dirg: his name reversed is The Rock's Semen. the real villain in this wasn't Wolfram. or even All For One. it was Fordham University. it's the system. change the system. change the system to help yourself.

Eye: this villain is trying way too hard to be Lin-Manuel. at least rob the casino whilst singing "Hungry Like The Wolf"...

Dirg: all this for a headset? i hate headsets! youtubers use headsets!

Eye: for a cyberbrain, okay, otherwise i'm not playing. the butler did it, the butler literally did it. Broadway actors get no respect, the lengths an actor will go to nab that Oscar.

Dirg: that awkward feeling when the video game based on the movie is better than the actual movie...

Dirg: will Deku's baby that he has to have and be saddled with to carry on the One For All lineage be Ochaco's or Melissa's? tune in next time to the next movie!...i mean there's a surefire way to find out! if the baby's wearing glasses when it pops out...…...g'night, folks...

Eye: the concept of teenage pregnancy does not exist in anime...

Germane, with shirt unbuttoned lounging in the inside of the lobby elevator: you know what Instagram is? everybody creating bad tv...

Dirg: hello, ladies. can i smack these crankypated bitches with my mojo hand? can i, ladies?

Orchid Girls: can we stick this Staedtler pen up his ass?

Germane: never ask permission. yes, but later. i want you to meet someone very important to your cause. she's lived here at this same building you call home you belong this whole time, you guys are all residents here. she keeps to herself...

Dirg: oh so Cher in Moonstruck is okay to strike to snap people out of it but not me? come on, ladies, i want each of you on my arm like birds on a wire as we go to Omni La Costa golf course for a very special date with President Bump. i want to golf with him so bad! i want to play arcade Centipede with Ivanka while she eats Goya beans and i hold her joystick.

Eye: despite everything i can never deny that Ivanka is hot. i will never find something new, i'll never quit her.

Eye hugs Marion Stokes as she pokes her head out the shaft.

Eye: sorry to get you all sweaty. i know you have a thing about space. it's just such a pleasure to meet you, you're my idol! there's nothing like the smell of old videotape...

Laertus: you invented the internet, Ms. Stokes.

Marion Stokes: watcha thinking?

Orchid Girls: The Thought Erotic, expanding the universe one sex thinktank at a time...

Marion Stokes: oh i know all about thinktanks living in Washington for so long that i did. public perception is NEVER the truth. what is reality? what is Washington realty? what is entertainment? have my video collection, that's your gateway into the world of rich dads and oil and media manned by men, see if you can't slip your way through this long reel of tape with the acerbic knives of your fingernails.

*group hug of solidarity in the lobby*

Marion: the Fabulous Fingers of a Hand. a woman's delicate pimp hand ready to smack.

Dirg: can you teach me chess? it's my only gateway into the black community.

Germane: i love you, Marion. but please don't end up like her, girls.

Orchid Girls: don't worry, we'll navigate the pitfalls, we'll get out there again. we loved your generation of fight and vim, Madame Gatekeeper Marion. but we have one thing your generation didn't: episodes of the A&E show Hoarders on tape...

TMIT: THE OTHER THING

1. money or fame? why?

money. but just enough to buy new feather pens for the next screenplay. i still write my screenplays longhand on paper...

all i'm saying is whoever invented TikTok is having second thoughts...

2. fish or chicken?

the Weezer "Buddy Holly" video has implored me to try the fish so try the fish i shall.

besides, you need chicken, you can't say Winner Winner Fish Dinner on ESPN!!!...

3. sleeping at night---too warm or too cold?

i sleep during the day. that's why i'm unemployed.

4. beard or mustache? why?

without a long flowing beard you're not really a monk. it doesn't have to be but it helps if it's white...

5. cars---classic or modern?

Transformers. which are REALLY modern cars...

6. which holds more beauty---smile or eyes?

smize

7. soothing the soul---hiking or shopping?

shopping. but only in one place. the Sherman Oaks Galleria in the 1980s...

BONUS: what is your favorite type of foreplay?

the one you do in front of all your wedding guests. right by the candle station. and when the priest asks you cut him off abruptly by declaring so loud the church nave shakes with the reverb,

I WANT TO FUCK YOU

five minutes of awkward silence. then five minutes later you get married...

btw, Tik-Tok from the Land of Oz invented TikTok...as a way to get Dorothy and Auntie Em to dance...together to heal the family unit...…...and you saw what happened to him, Tik-Tok rusted shut for millions of years...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

PAULA ABDUL & THE DANGEROUS MIXTAPE

notes:

* furries, you're welcome

* she was the one. she was always the one. it was always Paula. just Paula. i remember it quite clearly. HERS was the cassette everyone in grade school had to have. boys with pockets so deep they were bigger than their cargo shorts. girls with pink braids in their hair. even the asphalt-playground wino who told all us kids what McDonald's REALLY was. Paula Abdul took on a mythic quality back in those '80s days. cos she was my first.

* what i mean is she was that first cassette that was banned in my house. well not really banned, it was more like back then i was a total nerd who knew NOTHING of modern music. the girls would twirl to "Cold Hearted" on the foursquare court, i would have no idea what the fuck was going on. they called me a snake and i took it as a compliment. all the boys in Catholic school thought Keanu was hot.

* "Straight Up", oh my! i mean everyone knew "Straight Up", each lyric, each verse, each dance move, each step, it was said in church as the prayer after taking communion. it was the first slang word we ever learned. for all of us, this was our first rock song.

* everyone conceded back then that Paula Abdul was the most beautiful woman who ever lived. she was exotic, she was Cleopatra reincarnated. that birthmark on her lip was God's own eye. and we all were Lakers fans whether we wanted to be or not, i mean we're talking about '80s Encino here! for my part, i had no idea what basketball was. i thought Magic Johnson was a wizard...turns out he was...

* Paula: throughout my career i've danced. that's it, i've danced. throughout ALL the bullshit of the world i've danced straight through it. i've danced when people told me to stop dancing. fuck you, i'm not short, i've had many painful surgeries. i can kick you you know.

* Simon Cowell: Paula, i've loved you from afar. for years. actually all this time. and still, to this day, i have never once pronounced your name right...

* Paula: was never drunk. never drugged. i got nerve disorders, baby, and i've conquered them all.

* i relate to her warmly cos we've both had serious issues with our backs...

* Paula Goodpeed, it's not enough to both be named Paula. a lot of these people who try out for the show don't want to be singers, they just want an autograph.

* i gotta hand it to Corey Clark. i believed the brother. like i really believed him! he should be an actor...

* Paula: i've had my troubles. like right now i'm being abducted by aliens.
Letterman flashes his gap-toothed toothy laugh.
Paula: but i'm lucky cos i've never had to rely on Dr. Drew. do your worst, Dave, you look like an alien.
Letterman: that's cold-hearted.

* Naya Rivera, praying for you, where there's no news there's hope...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. trust the product, Voltron uses it for his joints.

TOMORROW: the Grilled Cheese Burrito. Taco Bell not Del Taco. cos it's the ONLY thing in the entire world that's new!!!!!!!!!!

SAX, PLAY US OUT: UNATTACHED

Mardith: it's not a baby triangle! it's purple but it might as well be pink!

Mardith has a triangle on her forehead where her third eye should be. it's a regular triangle. she is finished for the day taking her classes a block from the apartments at the Obec Youth Centre. Karate By Sunset is the name of her class. the crones take it and take it in, too:

Gladyce: my favorite part is when we all line up on one foot on the wooden poles by the shore and watch the waves crash as we hold our position and stare at the sun cooling itself dipping into the sea. all the pinks and warm oranges in the sky. like some force of magic dust from across the world came to our shores.

Doryce: my favorite part is when our instructor checks each of us to make sure we're straight on the pole. and then i go to the part of the studio that's only accessible with a door key...i look out but the sun is a moon and all the water is black...

Mardith: that's not funny. there are countless accounts of yoga gurus sexually abusing their students under the guise of "getting downward dog right".

cat familiars: too right. touch-starved is not a signal for unwanted touching.

Mardith: don't call me precocious. cos i'm a tween. for that matter don't call me a tween. i'm a queen. i'm on the scene. but i ain't no queen. i'm a queen from birth. i'm on the scene but i ain't no scenester.

Doryce: Mardith. that's the PERFECT name for a witch!

Mardith is Madame Pons's new student. as usual Pons is late...

Pons: sorry! how was it?

Mardith: am i under your wing? cos all i smelled all day was a guy's fugly armpit. don't tell me you're dating that loser again.

Pons: Dirg is dating me. one-sidedly. if he's gonna stick around at least i can glean as much research out of him as possible to understand these strange creatures called men.

Doryce: Dirg? that's more like diagnosing a sick brown cow.

Pons: we went to Kinokuniya. i said okay and relented cos it was a bookstore. turns out it's the bookshop from the anime Love Hina and the whole time he argued with the bookkeeper about how to get laid equally in a harem, how much time for each girl.

Mardith: i'm not getting it. i did what you showed me, i did it at 6AM sharp each day, sunrise. but he says it's all wrong.

Pons: i wish i could teach you at the house but...i'm busy...oh shit there you go again, Pons, coming up with the carefully-crafted convenient covid excuses. i must do better. for you. not for me. i will find time. i will find the time i promise. let's go home.

Doryce: how was it for you?

Gladyce: oh dear it was fine. that dacha was lovely. we had a long time to just sit in there together without a bed and think. but we kept getting those dirty looks from passersby peering into our window.

Doryce: yeah. i mean just cos something's Soviet-era doesn't mean it's not nice.

Gladyce: each presenting the communal Russian grit. they told me in passing that they were Chernobyl survivors, they laughed and scoffed in a Russian accent at covid.

Julia Ioffe: i'm the only American who can sigh internally in Russian.

Doryce: how was The Store?

Gladyce: made the long trek cos this thing ain't franchised.

Doryce: you have to admit, you also have the check every can in The Store to see what the recipe on the label is that uses the items in the can. if it's garbanzo beans you gotta see that hummus recipe, how many dots of green sprig are used on top.

Gladyce: i don't get it. they have Cheetos Popcorn but ONLY in the hot flavor! not everything is good hot! except our love. i need my tongue for other things! like.........to cast spells properly. i was running out of money so i had to put the bag down.

Doryce: you ain't missin' nothin', dear. that Cheetos Popcorn is just Cheetos cut into little balls...that you can suck off the dust...oh that sounds delightful!...

Doryce: hey you want the last of my banana? want in on my slow boat? bananas aren't actually fruit, they're herbs. i'm smoking one right now to prove the point...

Gladyce: bananas are good for the gut. solve the gut solve all health. you're able to protect your spells without spilling droplets. most importantly you lose weight...for flying brooms...

Doryce: for liver health...be a liver lover...eat more livers...

at the Red Circle Table in the lobby:

Tyzik: Robot Chicken is all we got left of the Mad Magazine aesthetic!

Eye Luggage: hey don't blame me if Macy's goes under! i was their most loyal customer!

Pons: thanks, dear, i always saw you at the mall LUSH...

Mardith: i love you, Jada, but...

Dirg: right? ya SEE!? you can't blame me this time! Jada what were you thinking!!! everything, this whole Red Circle, is a sham! a hoax!

Djokovic: a witch hunt! who knew i was a Republican?...

Djokovic: SPORTS IS BACK TODAY???! oh, it's just soccer...…...a supreme talisman!...

Dirg: what happened to no secrets? i mean how do you conveniently FORGET you had an affair? come on! you and Will ARE swingers after all! you kick a man when he's down? right after Will got n-worded by the Philly cops? life's not a theme song you know.

Jada: why is your apartment room plastered in Toshio Saeki?

Dirg: you were in my room? damn i missed it. just got back from Gravy Seals. Toshio is a sick artist!

Jada: yeah, both meanings.

at The Treehouse, Madame Pons's workstation home computer is COMPLETELY covered in littered empty paper oyster-pails and sticky brown cases of cardboard food and strewn straws and half-open sauce-packets and thumb-stained styrofoam cups. Taki like a ghost DMs Pons on her open screen:

Pons: don't worry, sis, they were all vegetables. fried vegetables but vegetables.

Taki: what's this all about? you were never a messy eater before. you were never a messy person before. do you know what i do EACH night when you fall asleep!? i pick up each and every BIT of trash, recycle where proper, and wash my ghost hands four times before it's through!!! the job takes five hours, i'm dead tired after! but i can't complain, i can NEVER complain, cos you're the one paying the deed on this house. you can do whatever you want. is it a man?

Pons: Dirg? *laughs* nah. it's a girl. Mardith needs my help and i'm not sure i can provide it for her. i'm ill-equipped to help her. research only goes so far. Mardith needs more. turns out it's not all in the wrist.

Taki: you'll help her, dear. it just takes time. is that her i hear coming in?

Pons: yeah.

Mardith races upstairs the wood stairs to her room, trailing off as she rants to herself...

Mardith: why? why! why did J.K. Rowling do it? why would she risk her millions? she didn't have to do it yet she did! she didn't have to open her mouth at all!...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: would you go to Australia with Brie Larson?

Eye: only if she screeches up to my curb, looks in my eyes, and says drop the taco, get in the car...

Pat: looking forward to that Grilled Cheese Burrito from Taco Bell...

Laertus: what have you, tu, been up to to occupy your time, my man?

Pat: oh i was in a a mob that took down and defaced the Woodrow Wilson statue from Princeton. interestingly, buried underneath the statue were President Bump's forged SATs to Penn...

Dirg: funny you should use the word occupy...

Eye: how is my soul family this week? soul family. i love that, soul family is a more beautiful way of saying friends...

Dirg: soul fam...

Dirg: go easy on President Bump, he has a learning disability. Mary Kay, can't say i didn't see this coming...she made teacher-crushes forever different...that dude didn't know his place, that dude didn't realize how lucky he had it and should go back to the country...

Eye: Mary Kay, i've always said cosmetics can make anything pretty. she somehow against all odds made it work. while keeping her Republican values. she died of a broken heart of course, the divorce did her in. men have no patience, they're always searching for their next turn now.

Pons: Mary Kay makes a mean charcoal mask. i love the soft velvet bag it comes in with the delicate eyelashes.

Tyzik: commercials?

Eye: that one with Amy Poehler and the wireless internet/tv and internet-tv service with 5G. and a building with just corner offices, which not even I.M. Pei could have achieved. they're birdwatchers---female birdwatchers thank you very much---and they peer into the window of a guy's family, snug suburban house, a warm place. guy turns around and i swear that guy is an adult Trent Reznor...

Laertus: i'm telling you, Trent Reznor is Father Knows Best now, house in the middle of the cornfields...

Dirg: have you ever IM'd I.M.? he never responds. rude. I'M shocked, stunned, and brave. Lily from AT&T is back!!! and her tits have googly-eyes!!! Jill Clayburgh's tits are cute pancakes...

Eye: An Unmarried Woman and go. thank you Kate & Allie!!!...

Dirg: dangerous message for young girls...…...no i just mean sleeping around, you know, communicable diseases...sexual freedom leads to sexual slavery which leads to ritual slavery.

Eye: and here i am just wanting to escape the church rites and be a sex slave in the mold of Prince.

Mardith: i related to Patti in this but don't read too much into that.

Dirg: Jill Clayburgh was an unruly child. she had TOO much energy. too much of that showbiz energy. it unleashed on her poor parents in the most unfortunate ways.

Laertus: this is a brilliant time capsule. you have to remember this is 1978, and i have a soft spot for that year cos it's my dad's birth year. these were the last two years of unfettered sexual freedom, when it was okay to sleep around and have any sexual adventure you wanted with any stranger you wanted and not contract anything. no contracts in those days. free love was about to come to a devastating end...

Dirg: the halt and the halitosis. don't blame me and my Jack Tripper ways, blame them.

Eye: this was quite the international scandal! casting a GASP older woman!!! in the lead role. that was unheard of in Hollywood. and having her prance around in her panties, well, that was beyond the beyond. they were actually gonna show 30-year-old tits!? an old woman who was still sexual?

Dirg: that's when they ARE sexual, trust me...

Laertus: yeah but looking back, i mean Jill was in her thirties. 30 is old in Hollywood. if it were a 40-year-old woman, that would have been something...

Laertus: and we open with the most magical place ever to be: 1970s New York City. The City. and the music is...Carpenters! "Close To You"! sounds like it anyway...

Dirg: okay Jill, i see you, cute flat butt in jogging pants...

Eye: when Jill says the line dog shit, you know you're in for something here. it's just so unnatural coming off those classically-trained studious regal lips.

Dirg: those are trained lips alright. her mouth is weird, it looks funny...like a flappy mango...her smile is not quite right...

Laertus: strangely, dog shit will play a MAJOR role in this film...

Laertus: okay, best line in this entire film:

did the earth move?

that's brilliant from the girl. perfect. precocious girl. sorry, Mardith.

Eye: the earth moving, that is so '70s. i wish i were in Greenpeace. so is the concept of "making a pass".

Laertus: okay miss thang, we see you! we hear you! Jill Clayburgh with the pitch-perfect secret British accent no one knew she had! she had to have been a dancer before, right? those ballet moves are impeccable, this is where Black Swan came from.

Dirg: and Claymore. and Casshern Sins.

Laertus: see. you can be an old woman and still flexible!

Dirg: giving all NYC windowwashers an eyeful. in my headcanon Jill's panties are Gummi Bears...

Eye: the best part, of course, is before the dance. when Jill snaps those panties back into place over that magnificent 30-year-old butt of hers.

Laertus: we have to give props where props are due, this is the original Sex and the City! right? four girl friends out on the town...

Eye: i love these four gals! wish i was strong as these four gals! but i love Pat Quinn the best! with that deadpan worldweary style of line delivery. she's seen it all many years ago...

Dirg: Cynthia Nixon will never admit it, but even she secretly thanks God that Cuomo is in charge.

Eye: fuck. the line fuck! there it is, babe!

Laertus: hahahahahahahah

Dirg: eye massage, i need me one of those. i look at internet porn all day and all the eyedrops at Walgreens On A Hill are now hand sanitizer! do they do those at LUSH?

Mardith: i like how Patti talks of her boyfriend reviewing the film as "flawed". sounds like a couple of guys and a valley doll i know...

Dirg: okay what shit is this! be a man, man! this scene is so damn WEIRD. the guy starts crying in the middle of the street, but it's so silly it's like this is meant to be played for laughs, not be taken seriously. and how long did Jill keep brown paste in her mouth as she walks aimlessly from corner to corner of the city before expelling it as vomit thirty minutes later?...

Eye: Bloomingdales. the place to have affairs. when people still had affairs. not Macy's. there's so much meaning in a sweater, just ask Kurt Cobain. they never show "the other woman". in my headcanon, she's a yoga instructor, Cuomo's wife.

Dirg: paper shrimp. you know, paper shrimps. shrimps and white wine. beyond the beyond. beyond the pale. beyond the paper oyster pail. don't touch her, she's touch-starved!!! car accident waiting to happen! i don't get it, the doctor makes a pass at Jill, why didn't she immediately scoop up that doctor money!!! a doctor's a doctor, spiritual doctor or doctor doctor...

Dirg: okay i know nobody's gonna stand up for my man the greasy slimeball Charlie so ONCE AGAIN it's up to me to defend white men. look, Charlie wasn't that bad. he even admits after the fucking that he loves Jill despite his protests that he's an unattached swinger, a good-time charlie. that's a subconscious surrender! Charlie asks Jill to stay for breakfast, he wants something more with her...

Eye: okay that beautiful therapist! with the Byzantine blue eyes! those Russians cast a spell on you!

Pat: i know.

Laertus: you know i know Penelope Russianoff. subconsciously. yeah i've seen her before. on the tv, she was a guest on Oprah and Sally Jessy Raphael and Donahue in the '80s, my dad has the old tapes. doing her New Age psychology thing, her remnants of the hippies.

crones: she would make a fabulous witch! she's got the look!

Dirg: she looks like a slash Herman Munster. and that scene is weird. Jill's therapy session...it goes on forever...that scene is a LONG twenty minutes...of mostly improvised silence...i've asked my psychiatrist the same question:

will you live my life for me?

Eye: so Dr. Drew. 

Dirg: but they missed the most important question with her! she's a hoax, a sham! how could Tanya Therapy tell Jill to try new men when she herself had given up on men! she was with a woman at the party! i want to know more about the sex in THAT relationship, i wanna watch THAT movie, her girlfriend was a shortie, she was short, how does the giantess/smurf dynamic work?...is there Gargamel cosplay involved?...

Laertus: ha! just slough off Barbra and Jane Fonda, newbies!!! i felt bad when they mentioned Claire Trevor, her son died in a plane crash shortly after this film...

Laertus: Alan Bates holds his own against slimy Charlie. Jill says that Charlie actually is a talented artist so i don't see where the jealousy comes from.

Eye: some men can pull off the scruffy beard, some can't...

Laertus: Charlie is just Roy Scheider with shoe-polish...

Dirg: Alan Bates. a few questions. are you a serial killer? or related to one? why are you obsessed with pickled herring? he should have said in that scene,

Alan: i am tickled pink. i mean i'm a pickled twink. the reason you didn't get any satisfaction from anonymous sex with me is i'm not the man you think i am...i like men, i'm not just an artist...

Eye: you've got to let go of your bias, dude. just cos you hear an erudite British accent doesn't mean he's gay.

Dirg: and what's with his painting style? that's not art. that is literally dude pouring different-colored paint on a white canvas and watching them swirl. that's it. that's a Benjamin store.

Laertus: to think none of this would have happened if that diver had been short. the hot-sauce-in-the-eggs scene. symbolic. like the red swirls of paint on the white canvas of the eggs...

Dirg: those strong hip '70s black women with the berets over their fros who talk jive scare me. the ones who started the whole Playgirl Magazine Movement with the beads and the tight beige leather jeans.  WHAT THE FUCK. abortions in NY are just passed around willy-nilly like tic-tacs? it's not the willy's fault. 200 bucks? 200 fucking bucks for an abortion!!!? everyone chips in like it's a birthday party...

Eye: nyuk nyuk. and then the doctor sticks his tongue down the poor girl's throat after...…...i'm thinking that doctor was the same doctor as Jill's doctor...

Dirg: in the end they just had vanilla ice cream. symbolic. see? Jill's friend, liberation is not good, liberation just leads to lithium. what kid WANTS to go to summer school?

Eye: that giant painting she walks with at the end was hilarious! what was that supposed to be? what did it look like?

Dirg: it's supposed to be pickled herring i think. but it just looks like a giant apricot slice. like James and the Peach but a rip-off.

Laertus: WHOA! look at the credits! all that matters now is what part did Andy Warhol play in all this! yeah see, those art-gallery parties were supposed to be imitating Warhol parties!

Eye: reminds me of the art-gallery party from 9 1/2 Weeks.

Laertus: you know what this film is? it's an American version of a French existentialist film...

Dirg: yeah, no. nah. existentialist, that's one way to put it. yeah this one didn't do it for me, i don't take seriously films directed by atheists. g'night, folks.

by the doorsill of Mardith's new room...

Mardith: the Treehouse was getting cramped. so she did help me in a way. what am i gonna do? this world sucks. how am i to find a mate in it? i mean it didn't even work out for Hannah Spearritt and Andrew-Lee Potts! that was the PERFECT opportunity for fate! they date each other when they're both very young and then years later find themselves together on the Primeval set!!! you don't mess with karma that good! but the OTP marriage didn't last...

Germane: don't be so rigid. be unattached to time. you know each morning by the time i shave and brush my teeth and eat breakfast and feed the familiars and get dressed and read the paper paper and exercise and take a nap, it's already fucking 4PM!!! i can't do anything now! it's 4PM! when am i gonna have time to write!!!

Mardith: i wish i had time to write down each of my thoughts. you can only ever hope to be a shamanic spiritualist online if you're a babe. i mean you're a drop-dead-gorgeous babe, you live in  Miami, surrounded on all sides by blue water, no wonder you're a spiritual empath!!!

Dirg: the future of energy is coal.

Pons: the future of energy is empath energy. hi. do you have something to tell me? i can take it. no not you, Dirg.

Mardith: i mean...it's like...you're dating a youtube star, she's got a trillion followers, she plays the electric violin in a dubstep band...but you hate her music...what do you do?...

Madame Pons: i wish i could lift my little finger and...

Madame Mardith lifts her own little finger.

Mardith: it's done. the sign is changed. i did it in thin air with chalk way on the other side of town at LUSH. i opened the locked doorknob with my wrist.

Pons: i see it! that's brilliant! you're a wonderful witch! a beautiful young thang! i mean you go miss thang!

the two hug.

Mardith: now selling at LUSH......masks made of soap...something parents have wanted to do to their kids for generations...now it's the kids' turn!...

TMIT: MASK UP, EVERYONE!

count up how many times you said "who the hell are you!" this long holiday weekend. see? it's not like that commercial that tells you to count up the number of people you have to hug when all this is over...

1. what is the last song you sang?

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

get it?

btw, that's Billy's father on guitar at the end there doing the solo. that was the last time Billy and his father ever spoke again...they only did it as a tribute to the mother...

2. what place are you longing to visit?

wherever next my girlfriend galavants globally. no but seriously i SERIOUSLY need to get away! i need to FUCKING travel! i need to get the hell outta here. let them fumigate the monastery while i'm gone. i'm going to New Zealand and staying there however long till there's a vaccine. one year, two years, three? i won't leave till i get Dr. K and that green Power Ranger back together in their rekindled relationship cos you know that stuff is OTP. i've missed tennis more than sex, i'm getting tickets to the U.S. Open this year!!!...

3. tell us about the last time you were insulted:

midnight. unknown cobble street. wobbly. i'm throwing up like Jill Clayburgh in An Unmarried Woman. i don't see where i'm going and suddenly the person in front of me's white collar is brown and green. he is very angry at me and tells me i'm going to Hell.

the man is my local priest. never interrupt a priest when he's having a boilermaker with his mates.

well we did make up and

HAD A GOOD TALK, CLICK HERE

4. when was the last time you hung out with anyone not in your immediate household? what did you do?

with a mouse. i tried to make amends for all the pain i had caused. i gave him a piece of rare Stilton cheese in a wedge but he thought it was poisonous cos it looked moldy. i swore to him, no traps this time. it wasn't smelly but that clothespin on my nose didn't help. you see many people don't know that Jerry actually owns the house. i'm a tomcat named Tom who only stays there when the owner and his wife and baby in a baby stroller are away...

5. fill in the blank: i spend a lot of hours ___

thinking what my next thing on Instagram's gonna be...

BONUS: which is worse---smelly feet or smelly breath?

a smelly soul

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

ART GALLERIES ARE ESSENTIAL

notes:

* seriously tho, that's one of the hottest magazine covers of all time. and it's historic cos it launches the movement, Playgirl #1. don't know about you but i love a woman who takes charge, who acts like a man in bed. who goes after all the sex she wants, wraps her legs around the guy she wants like a spider, humps his torso with her back, pulls the hairs on his chest by his chain...

* blonde: remember me?
brunette: it's memba me.
blonde: memba me?
brunette: members only. it's not like you're taking up rent-free residence in my head or anything.
blonde: it's me...you know...from the other commercial...
brunette: don't recall you. i have more important things to think about. i'm fucked-up in the head.
blonde: so are we splitting this cab or...?
brunette: please don't use the word split around me...

* brunette: LITTLE BITCH!!!
blonde: what? what? what'd i do?!
brunette: sorry, i was yelling at my mom in my head.

* brunette: oh look, that's what we're both taking now...
blonde: i can't say the name of the tablets, it makes me laugh.
brunette: do the four pop-art faces there on that bus-stop talk to you, too?
blonde: no.
brunette: i'm not crazy. those are really supposed to be the cartoon versions of all of us from the last commercial...

* brunette: this drug is really helping me with my schizophrenia.
blonde: they help me with my weight...

* brunette: i hear the most terrible voices.
blonde: telling you you're fat?
brunette: no, mocking me for being an adult who stills wears a backpack.
blonde: in fairness, you were loitering around a grade school.
brunette: don't make fun of me. i went to Harvard but i never finished 3rd grade...

* blonde: i always think people are staring at me...
brunette: no, honey, you gotta look inward. you're uncomfortable cos you see a biracial couple walking down the street.
blonde: i also have bike bias. whenever i see a bicyclist wearing a helmet i have to yank that helmet off his head and punch him in the face.

* blonde: sorry babe, my butt looks better than yours in jeans...
brunette: you like my art?
blonde: it's just a huge hanger in a hangar...

* blonde: so what you reckon about the Redskins?
brunette: just change the team-name to Washington. call them Washington.
blonde: no more ticket-sellers at the front gate anymore.

* brunette: see that circle in back of us?
blonde: is that your compact?
brunette: it's a Stargate...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: ...oh wait! THERE IS NO TOMORROW! no really this time! it's all closed for the 4th! nothing to do on a Saturday! i had my fast-food yesterday which was weird. that burger did NOT taste good, it was all for nothing. wasted trip. why did they take the mini-tacos off the menu in the first place?...

SAX, PLAY US OUT: THE VACCINE IS VIG

in one of the apartments in the top upper-corner is a particular man. a particular man with a particular face. one of those faces that you immediately recognize. gives you a warm feeling to your face. cos the face feels like an uncle's you played pinochle with. or a long-lost father you want to kiss on the lips. this face invites you in, cos it looks like a Muppet. but you don't want to sing with this face, you want to empathize with it. fuzzy eyebrows betray a face that stays long forever, forever sad, forever forlorn and thinking deeply about the flawed human race, and his shortcomings to save it.

Dr. Vacc's room is lonely indeed, he lives in it with no companionship save four---well, five---grey walls. he's hardly ever in it but even when he is there there's not much difference to the cold in it. at night he doesn't sleep, his head swirls too full of the troubles from the day, he merely rests his head down in his lap and cries the night away. in the morning his pillow is stained with his tears. there are no decorations...

Vacc: i can't bear to put up pictures of all the patients i've lost.

Germane: how are you, my friend.

Vacc: two cc's. never of milk products.

Germane: you look like you came out of a Twilight Zone episode. you are colored drably black-and-white except this world we live in is colored. if i didn't know any better i'd think you were Cindy Crawford...

Vacc: i used to be a cop in the '70s. i created Barney for kids to follow. i am so ashamed of my past. now in this color world indeed the cop is obsolete...

Germane: so you switched careers to save lives this time instead of take them. and you're the best around, everyone on the block says it, you are so kind you take in the pain of your patients till they have none and you have it all stored in your gut. it's very Sesame Street. but i'm afraid you're taking on too much and are at the breaking point, the depression rubberband holding your soul. doctors are people, too...

Vacc: no they're not. they're miracleworkers expected to cure instantly. with expectorant. if there's disease the doctor knows it and has a pill for it in his pocket. covid has crushed me, you know when i first heard the early strains, the hushes, the whispers of this new pneumonia i KNEW this would be the end of humanity. i got this overwhelming pantheon of doom-metal chords playing in my sphincter that this was not gonna end well. that this thing had no easy fix, that this thing would keep coming back forever.

Germane: let's get off this particular subject, how many patients have you lost?

Vacc: too many to count, i lost a finger trying to inject one with an experimental water pill. they wheel em into my curtained space in the hospital and wheel em out dead even faster. before i get my big hairy warty bog hands on them. they don't teach you this in medical school: life. every time i lose one it's like losing an eye.

Germane: you have such puppy-dog eyes, and a jaw which juts out like an island, the island only you are on, you have such a lovable face that everyone wants to lick it. i just want to help you. need help paying the rent?

Vacc: no, i'm a doctor. i could use the money for drugs but there are no drugs. what if the vaccine never comes?

Germane: uh, that was supposed to be my question for you.

Vacc: it gets all of us now, not just geezers like me. kids, frat guys, cats, and dogs. i'm the last face they see before they shod off to Heaven or Hell. can you imagine the last face you see on earth is Abe Vigoda? but that's just the thing, they don't even see THAT! cos i'm all covered up in gear, look like an astronaut. all they see is a cloudy helmet. i tried to do the patch thing, i put my face on a patch in front of my chest so my patients could see a smiling face but that face was creepy-looking, i'm creepy when i smile. made things worse. what's your favorite music?

Germane: your heart was in the right place. oh, i was gonna ask you that.

Vacc: i like Butch Vig. Butch Vig calms me for an hour so i can slurp lunch through my mask.

Germane: now that's a strange answer. nobody likes producers. nobody can name producers. name the producer of the Beatles...

Vacc: uh...Brian...something, right?

Germane: yeah but see Vig is a special case, he's the guy who gave the world Nirvana and then we find out later he's this cool drummer all along who does Garbage on the side.

Vacc: i just like everything Vig has ever produced. i can name all his albums...all the albums he's produced...…...oh, Brian ENO!!! Eno! that's it! yeah Brian Eno is like Butch Vig...

Germane: let's trade sometime. i'll loan you some of my Enigmas...

Vacc: i got a call from a doctor. who was worried for me, it was a safety check. cos i went on Rachel Maddow the night before and i was talking so sadly and slowly as i explained the dire situation at my hospital, the helplessness, all the loved ones i had lost---and i love everyone. people thought i was suicidal and would be the next stat...

in the adjacent room:

Gladyce: how was it, dear?

Doryce: we had a grand old time! we went to the Avenue of the Giants Marathon didn't we. just you and me. the pine green scenery was so lush and dark-forest, the canopy was our black sky. one problem: we had no shoulders to lie on, WE are the legends!

Gladyce: we ran without shoes just our bare feet in honor of Pat...…...of course we used our brooms. i love how the runners all jog through that one big bog sequoia tree that has a square hole in it. of course as i ran under it i patched up the missing bark of its wood core with a wave of my wand on the way out.

Doryce: the marathon became a half-marathon at that point...

Pat: hi guys. it's summer vacation, it's covid, plus i've been indecisive about my future. so i'm doing a whole lot of nothing right now. i'm here at the Treehouse just cleaning up for you guys while you whilin', while you take your vacations. straightening up all the Motion Picture Magazines and Witchcraft Magazines strewn about the house...

Doryce: what are you making me for dinner tonight, woman?

Gladyce: look at this Screamin' Sicilian Pizza. don't you just love the cardboard mustache they provide on the box to fun with?

Doryce: i could put this under my lip and crash any frat party i want! i always wanted to be a man at a stag...

Gladyce: try digging the scoop out of a new canister of iced-tea-mix powder with a silver teaspoon! i tried and spent an entire day at it with no success!

Doryce: huh, should work. i mean it's teaspoon for tea...

Gladyce: this powder is quicksand!

Dirg: so i was cat-sitting for you two old bags and i reached for the pouch of honey pistachios but without looking it was the pouch of cat treats instead so i ate the cat treats...

Doryce: Gladyce when you look at items at The Store, you also look at the FRONT label, too. you need to see the exact picture of the food item used.

Gladyce: i know. i'm obsessed. my mind is slowly dissolving like wet powder...

in the adjoining room:

Takahashi: so i went to Restaurant Depot. cos i wanted to see how the other half lives. the half that eats restaurant-food instead of fast-food. didn't know there was a Restaurant Depot. it's like one of those bigbox stores where you can only get pickles in a 500-pound glass bottle...…...except even bigger...

Laertus: it's the final frontier. tonight on Inside Edition: men who have cats don't get the chicks...…...like that's some disease...

cat familiars: fuck em, more for us. film at eleven.

Laertus: oh i love this week's art! the No Kid Hungry logo is brilliant brilliant BRILLIANT!!! it's an apple-core that doubles with your vision to two children's faces. a triumph of design!

Dirg: did the guy who did I Heart NY copy his billion-art from that, too? i mean he already stole his legendary design legend from the guy who did LOVE all crooked and leaning and falling down, i mean how hard is it to LOVE...?

Eye Luggage: that's a good metaphor for love, always on the edge teetering. can we talk about the P&G ad now?

Dirg: no, cos gambling is bad for kids.

Eye: talk about triumph! brilliantly-laced ad, really tugs at your inner rubberband, you have this black man who is constantly looked and internally sneered at from everyone on the street. it's not overt, it's subtle, but it's there, you feel it like heavy air. turns out this black man is a judge who commands the entire white attention of his courtroom cos he has the power IN THERE but not in the real world.

Dirg: like all the NBA and NFL guys, i mean how can you stop n frisk LeBron? come on, cops, i'm doin' you a solid, i'm dealin' ya, i'm trying to save your jobs...

Laertus: how's Madame Pons?

Dirg: i'm not going down anymore. cos it went down like this:

Dirg: give me one more chance.

Pons: the vegemite thing was strike three.

so we went to LUSH for one last last-ditch effort to salvage our soulmateness. we got in line and i decided to just spill it, tell it like it is:

Dirg: look, we both know, i mean look at you, your tits are HUGE. they're massive. i just want to lose my head inside them and never come up for air again, never breathe again in solidarity. but i'm doing this right this time, i'm treating you right that's why we're in line. i'm gonna buy you the biggest bottle of scented liquid i can find to honor the roundness the plumpness the firmness of your fat globules. i get it you're fat, not a fatty. whatever the cost to coat them, to soak them in silver, bow down to them as they sparkle in the light! this is my tit tribute to you, i'm taking a knee...

Pons: look, i'll give you a soap from our collection here from these cubby holes for free, i'm not supposed to be doing this, technically we're not open still. hurry, which bath bomb do you want?

Dirg: let's see...Cloversoft? that's a LUSH soap, not facial tissue......i want to get the Peachy Emoji bath bomb in honor of your phat notice i said ph-at ass, but i guess these days i have to get the Black Ninja bath bomb to stay woke, it looks like a smiling black Pac-Man...

Dirg: whatever happens between us let us always remember the fallen and honor the place where cultivated our courtship, the U.S.S. ship, i salute thee through the branches, the Walgreens On A Hill. this is a sacred place, a mystical place where you can't see its roof cos it's covered in mist, a national landmark. a titan treasure which should never be torn down, never bulldozed for bucks, razed for profit. it's the ultimate fort in the forest. my burden, my lost mission, was The Sandwich Snack The Soup And The Soap. i wish i had had the courage of our brave soldiers in uniform. when i was on a date with you there, i saw that can of Baconator Pringles but decided not to take one. these are of course the rarest of the rare flavor and i missed my one opportunity in life!

Takahashi: hard lesson to learn, buddy. when you see a unique brand, snatch it then and there! grab that gold! it won't be on the shelves tomorrow...

Dirg: when we went on the date where you wanted me to get culture and more diversity, we went to that little quaint taqueria by the Walgreens. the one with the shelves so tight next to your hip you thought you would get cut in half by them, two sets of teeth swallowing you whole.

cat familiars: and a cat by the window licking its paws waving you in with said licked paws...

Madame Pons: i love those shelves, they're snug and tight and friendly and familiar and intimate and warm.

Dirg: then you got your platanos and special Mexican cheese, i saw one flavor of soup there they don't sell at The Store: Warhol Can Chicken With Vegetables. but i didn't get it you were already at the tight counter. we went back to Walgreens and i wanted to get my charcoal-and-clay soap cos i only saw that flavor there, not at The Store, but they only came in a six-pack of bars and i was ashamed i didn't have the money for one bar...

Dirg: and so we parted saying i had to work on myself. we adieu'd, Cam Newton soup in my hand and i never saw her again. last i heard she was at home eating her feelings strewing box upon cardboard box of GrubHub delivery takeout fast-food all around her workstation computer...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i see you, Barbra from Prince of Tides! i see you on twitter! harassing President Bump like a twelve-year-old girl! nice, now that's 69. Barbra with the Barbra burn! wish somebody would give me some Disney stock. Disney Plus is insane! if you ever want to see how the Replicants from Blade Runner were supposed to be introduced, watch Bubblegum Crisis. how is Cartoon Network gonna survive? their two biggest hits, Adventure Time and Summer Camp Island, the sequel and the continuation are gonna be on HBO Max!

Eye: Greenberg and go.

Dirg: not about ESPN's own Mike Greenberg. tho it should be, i mean that guy runs the world.

Laertus: and not about Brian Austin Green, who i'm afraid has lost his wife to a machine gun. my headcanon is that the greenberg really refers to those green indoor trees at the start of the film. fascinating spectacle that, see i guess there's no natural greenery in Los Angeles anymore, it's all industrial smog and brown mountains, so the locals literally have to go inside and sit under manufactured trees for the experience of communing, perfect place for a date.

Eye: i heard those trees were cold to the touch in there. like mist. you gotta admit, we three four ALL fell in love finally with Greta Gerwig after this. she might as well be the Greta Garbo of her generation!

Dirg: agree. concur. can't hate. she's got a cute butt. she was Katee Sackhoff before we knew there would be a new Battlestar Galactica Starbuck.

Laertus: Henry's Puffy Tacos, it sounds dirty but it's not.

Henry: sounds okay to me.

Dirg: a cantina i will visit on my next date with someone else. Robot Chicken is still new? i mean imagine the strain Noah Baumbach is under. no, not the cultural strain, i mean being a New York guy and a relative of Bach. this dude is literally writing a script together with Jennifer Jason Leigh who is in the process of divorcing him. like, this script is exactly the words those two are having as they're fighting. obviously Greta had an affair with Noah on the set of this film which broke up the marriage...

Laertus: that writing room must have been as quiet as a whale's sound...

Eye: i like to think of it more as this is the film which sparked that great long romance Greta and Noah had and have still which culminated in a child. Greta's son will be the greatest feminist of all time. i love it when things work out...

Laertus: you didn't know this, you didn't realize this, but Jennifer Jason Leigh is the daughter of the guy who horrifically got his head chopped off in the Twilight Zone helicopter blade accident...moment of silence...after that, Jennifer Jason Leigh can do ANYTHING with her life, she's already won, she's already a survivor...

Eye: i'm rooting for her...

Dirg: it's cool cos she gets a free pass to act crazy the rest of her life...like Pete Davidson...

Dirg: best review of this film: Greenberg would be an awesome film...if Greenberg wasn't in it...

Laertus: Ben Stiller plays that kind of nebbish rough-round-the-edges guy who thinks he's cool but he's a low-key asshole who can't show too much cos he's skinny. he's you, Dirg, except for the skinny part.

Dirg: i'm on my elliptical taking notes...on all my enemies...my elliptical enemies...

Eye: it really shows on him, i heard Ben ate NOTHING the whole time on set. Florence Marr...of The Machine? Florence's voice on the answering machine. a love-note to the Hollywood Hills. in simpler times when everyone took hikes for exercise.

Laertus: yeah the thing is, generally, why would a beautiful soul like Greta here, lost soul sure but a decent loving woman, see ANYTHING in this asshole of a guy? after the first time he spazzes out on her like that, in real life she'd be gone forever, he'd never see her again.

Dirg: and take up with the next anonymous tree person.

Laertus: oh that's so tender, Greta after the anonymous sex, she reaches to touch his back for some sign that this was more than a blurry fuck. guy who writes letters of complaint to every company he comes across, that's a warning sign, that's a red flag, see this was in the innocent times before internet incels. this was back when people who called in to talk-radio were still seen as jokes...

Eye: you just let a mental patient go down on you...hahahahahahahaha!!!

Dirg: sure he blew up. but her story WAS stupid! and THERE. right there. that scene, that was when Greta's feminism first bloomed, right there where she had to show her tits for the sex scene on the bed. and her legs-up later on the couch.

Laertus: i'm surprised he knows what to do down there. again, unrealistic that a guy like this would have this much sex...wait, WHAT!!? these two LITERALLY JUST MEET THAT DAY! and that night they're having sex!!!? come on!!!

Dirg: see? he does nothing with his life. and still scores. he's "in a band", notice i use quotes.

Laertus: what kind of music would Greenberg actually make? emo? gotta get past the kitsch. Mahler, beautiful dog. now because of this also a known composer. James Murphy, otherwise known as the guy with that beerhall voice that sings with Bjork...

Dirg: Albert Hammond stroked and produced a Stroke...

Dirg: ...with his organ...

Laertus: that homeless '60s girl singer...

Dirg: oh yeah! Emily Zamourka, baby! who would ever go to Vietnam? except Anthony Bourdain that is.

Laertus: this guy is a destroyer, how can he be a carpenter and be good at building things?

Dirg: maybe he has a voice like a Carpenter. obvious Jesus parallel is obvious. and parallel.

Laertus: Greta is the one with the voice, he's just using her to get back into music. Ben is like, "oh, you sing? what the hell are you doing with me?" WHOA, guy! not so tough there are you, Greenberg. you tried the Midnight Cowboy I'm Walking Here on that SUV tank bus thing and almost got squashed. he is socially-awkward but so is everyone here, Baumbach writes awkward quite well. i love these wide shots of the long hilly L.A. streets lined on each side by palm trees, magnifique!

Dirg: Baumbach can't do his most recent machine tho, Scarjo.

Dirg: Greenberg does not drive, i can relate. i'm taking notes on how to survive.

Takahashi: yeah, mate, you're MY problem whenever you want to go somewhere. i'm always at the ready with my car or tank ready to key it. and to drive.

Eye: i love how even Ben can't conceive that he had enough power to voice his hard opinion and break up the band and everyone's dream. that he had a voice like that. irritating voice. this is a hard lesson in continuing with life when your dream dies. but i guess a kid is worth it.

cat familiars: we know what's wrong with Mahler, he's lethargic cos the person who takes care of him is Greenberg...a guy who sucks pool-water like gas from a siphon-hose...

Dirg: she says so herself, some of the most interesting people try to kill themselves. when is it too long to rekindle a relationship with an ex? 30 years? i thought all divorcees were gay? wait, D&C? see! i knew it! it's the DNC's fault! normalizing abortion like that like it's no big deal. that was the moment Greta became a Hollywood liberal...

Eye: they missed it in the script, i think it would have been more interesting if the baby had been Ben's. then Greenberg would have had to REALLY make a fateful life-altering decision and change his ways. that trip to the abortion clinic reminds me of that Ben Folds Five song...

Laertus: Greenberg shoulda been a doctor...even that kind of doctor...

Eye: Ben should have really gotten to know that British dude's kid...cos he is Ben's kid. and Ben needs a guide for his inevitable journey of self-discovery doing Life of Pi in the Hollywood Hills. and then that awkward party with the young kids.

Dirg: i feel him, freaked out by the sincerity of the younger generation. you can't be mean to someone who's better than you. Dan Zanes, you have to have a STRONG character to deliberately go into children's music. Mozart would be HORRIFIED that his music was used for babies.

Laertus: Mahler the dog didn't die of AIDS...but Karen Dalton did...

Dirg: whoa! Brie Larson! before Brie Larson was Brie Larson.

Laertus: Dirg, what would you have done in that situation? two babes tell you to drop your life on a dime and come with them to Australia RIGHT NOW. do you do it?

Dirg: only if they bring their guns...

Eye: and the sweet ending. but it should have gone down this way:

Ben records a long drawn-out heartstrung truth-serum painful brutally-honest emotional confessional on the voicemail. remember voicemail? and Greta looks at the message on her phone and deletes it:

Greta: it doesn't matter what you said.

Ben: i took a lot of time and anguish to make that.

Greta: it doesn't matter what the message is, what matters is you made the message. you did it for me. i know how you feel about me, but do YOU know how you feel about me? i get it, hurt people hurt people.

Ben: huh. yeah. was this film the first occurrence of hurt people hurt people?

Laertus: always thought hurt people hurt people was that Barbra Streisand thing.

Dirg: Woody Allen Junior. g'night, folks.

Dirg: i mean Lili Reinhart, right? hey, whatever works. if it takes sideboob to get enough attention for social justice...

Germane: enough, Dirg, we're here. *knocks on door*

Vacc: come in. i know, Dirg, sideboob. i'm thinking about it now but i'm still not cheered up.

Dirg: doc's got it bad. be a patriot, burn your mask.

Germane: everyone these days wearing gloves, it's like we're all in motorcycle gangs. but i solved your problem. it hit me while i was at the carwash...

Dirg: but you don't drive...

Germane: i have a car...it's uh parked on the roof...here...

Germane hands Dr. Vacc a clear plastic face-shield.

Dr. Vacc puts on the face-shield and smiles that big Abe Vigoda smile.