Stevie Nicks is meeting Garry Shandling for coffee at Bonus Beans.
Stevie Nicks: i was set up. by friends.
Garry Shandling: they're not your friends if they set you up.
Stevie: Mick says we have a lot in common.
Garry: we have one thing in common: we both don't want to have kids.
Stevie: how's Tom Petty in bed?.........just a test. this coffee tastes like i'm drinking maple syrup...
Garry: my career has stalled. i was riding high on the Larry Sanders Show for SO many damn years i started coasting. but all good things come to a cancel. i decided to venture into soaps.
Stevie: everyone moonlights once in their life. did you audition for that thing where Drake Hogestyn and Deidre Hall took a week off Days of our Lives?
Garry: YES!!!
Stevie: in joint solidarity to extend their contract dispute. they were looking for replacements for John Black and Marlena Evans. McVie said i'd be perfect for Marlena but they said i was too short.
Garry: yeah they said i was too handsome to play John Black, i had a face for television.
Stevie: Drake Hogestyn looks like my father so the love scene got weird.
Garry: it's soap sex, it's two people in bed fully-clothed under sheets.
Garry: i got a limited opportunity next come my way to write for a limited series: Will Smith as a detective who solves physics crimes. called Quantum Entanglements.
Will Smith: they wanted me to say my catchphrase each week: "spooky action at a distance..."
Stevie: the industry says i'm too old to be sexy anymore.
Garry: and YOU'RE getting older, too...
Stevie: i was left to do stunt promotions where i sing "Landslide" at actual landslides during search and rescue operations. which became recovery operations. i mean there are real people suffering down there buried in the rubble. i'm not about that in my life.
Garry: that is such an Earth Mother thing to say.
Stevie: the only mother i'll ever be.
me: you cannot expect me to just drop my soulmate.
Jen R: i know. but we can't talk anymore. you berk.
me: that insult cuts deep. hits me more than anyone else, me a student at Berkeley with one year to go...
me: let's just keep continuing going on strange adventures.
Jen: okay...
Jen R: this is the reverse of how it was for you before.
me: parallel symmetry in a spiral in space where time does not exist.
Jen: when you were crying in Jack's Bistro, wringing your hands and hemorrhaging love plans when you thought you had lost me forever. you'll never see me again. back when you saw Seen 1 Hr Ago and it was the death knell for you. that was my last communication to you for all of time. this morning you saw Seen 1 Hr Ago from me and you REJOICED...
me: see? YOU saw me pick up the lucky penny, right? so the luck will transfer to me, it's official. i have a witness...
Morgan Bolling: the Hurricane Helene flood and wind damage is devastating in my hometown, it's our Katrina. but i can't help. all i can do is Asheville barbecue. North Carolina has the prettiest trees but they're all hazards. i can swim barefoot...
Pam Hiltunen: lifelong decisions don't last...
Stevie: i suggest we each watch the complete series of The Kids of Degrassi Street on VHS and see if we change our minds about kids.
Garry: box sets scare me, i break out in hives. always having to do the next episode, you know?...
Stevie: Lindsey thought this meant he was having kids with me but he was most mistaken.
Garry: savage. your place or mine?
Stevie: neither. i plan to watch this in the library...
Garry: cold sugarless tea, i don't know about this place anymore...
Stevie: you can go your own way.........alone.........until our next date...
Ms. Pie: a cat as sweet as Lindy Lenz herself.
a head of lettuce: salad? there was no salad in the '80s, there was just a head of lettuce...
The Twilight Zone "The Mind of Simon Foster": is it just me or does this have a The Lathe of Heaven on PBS vibe to it?...
me: what to do for dry itchy butthole.
Boc: anal sex?
me: no, just a sore butthole.
Abbot Butt: prunes. Holy Water. a couple of those LARGE calcium tablets in the tabernacle. a LONG-ASS Communion loaf with smelling salts and paprika baked in.
Father Navin: right? why does the Communion wafer have to be so bland? make it taste more like a poppy-seed bagel...
rq: real quick.
Jules Smith: right quick in Britain.
Melissa Maker golfing: the Royal Montreal Golf Club staged the Presidents Cup.........and i emphasize STAGED, it's all fake.
Spalding Gray: yeah, who the FUCK cares about the Presidents Cup?
Justin Fashanu: when you turn on the telly and see the pitch of a soccer match going on, you have NO WAY TO TELL who's the home team...
Premier League soccer trophy: the best use of ticker tape...
the Pringles Man and the Cheetos cheetah, Chester, are at Fordham University in the dorms.
Chester Cheetah: we can't keep doing this, man.
Pringles Man: snorting rails and stealing wallets?
Chester: i was a student here, man, i'm the janitor now.
Pringles Man: i can't stop. i must pop. i have a problem.
Chester: no more dorm parties, man, no more weddings.
Pringles Man: just funerals.
Spalding Gray: i don't get the whole Moo Deng thing. where were all the rabid Ravi crowds for ME in Thailand? a pygmy hippo? i have bouncy jelly rolls, too, want me to take off my shirt? where's MY soapy bath?!!!
Willem Dafoe: ...
dad: the dead dad in Uzumaki, his giant face framed in the clouds all Zardoz up in the sky, his cremation smoke is a spiral. it's not scary, it's reassuring, it proves he's still around...
Daria: Daria reference in the volleyball scene...
Grover: when the eye rolls back into the spiral in her head it's like that 123456789-10-11-12 pinball Sesame Street thing...
Adventure Time: that spiral was just our snail...
Will Smith on the set of Quantum Entanglements: i'll keep it a buck. don't throw in the towel, i was Muhammad Ali you know. South Park lost its influence a LONG time ago. the best beans are not baked in Boston...
Leslie Sbrocco: the whole of the Gentlest Valley is rich in.........i can't remember what the line is, i really do need that glass of wine...
Leslie: i'm gonna try making wine out of these cocktail tomatoes.
Jackie Fitzgerald: don't you be disrespecting my cherry tomatoes, you doughnut. these cherry tomatoes were hand-picked by my big-ass Malamute dog Frozen Frank Sinatra.
Leslie: Cherry Tomato was BOTH our nickname in culinary school...
Jackie: don't you be badmouthing all over town. have some respect for yourself and my veg.
Leslie: your vag? tomatoes are fruits, like all your men. fruits like all priests and nuns.
Jackie: use my cherry tomatoes in a salad, don't boil them and drown out all their taste in some spaghetti sauce.
Stevie: so? what'd you think? The Kids of Degrassi Street.
Garry: interesting. Candy as a male name?...
Garry: if it wasn't for that stupid kid with that stupid war helmet on his head, Ida's student film would of COURSE be about garbage not war. her mom was a milf. remember when everybody had a Raggedy Ann doll in 1979?
Stevie: when the grade-school crossing guard suddenly dies of a stroke before Griff has a chance to draw that caricature of him, oh my heart. reminded me of when i tried to finish a song for a friend who had cancer. and then one of the kids, one of the MAIN CAST, just dies, i mean that was the moment Canadian television went DARK.
Stevie: so why no kids?
Garry: i have very fucked-up genes. no child should be forced to SUFFER the pass-down of my genes, you know? you?
Stevie: overpopulation. i know i know, Earth Mother.
Garry: has anybody ever told you you have this gypsy vibe to you?
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