by now Bobby Driscoll is a Vanquish junkie.
Bobby Driscoll: i take so many Vanquish pills i don't know if i hurt anymore.
he lives on the dirty streets in the alleyway a block away from the Factory. under a homeless blanket.
Bobby: did everyone forget about me? one too many Factory parties, i got a concussion. my adult art didn't sell...
Bobby: i remember the last day i interacted with Andy Warhol...
Andy Warhol: Bobby boy, be a dear and get me 6 bananas from Dillard's.
Bobby: i don't remember much after that. did everybody forget to remember me? i remembered THEM. i staggered into the local South Bronx McDonald's and encountered the Bowery bums.
Bowery bum leader: well lookey what we's have here. a wanderer.
Bobby: he did not say "wanderer" the way Andy Warhol said "wanderer." i proceeded to explain to him how Robin from One Piece's boobs were, like, REALLY big even for anime standards but he was having none of it. the Bowery bums stuffed my mouth full of McDonald's fries till i blacked out.
Bobby Driscoll: later that day i was never seen nor heard from again...
Bobby Driscoll: no one ever found out where i went...
Jen R and i arrive in Manhattan and Jen immediately leads me to the Garment District.
Jen R: look at these open-air bazaars!!! i could get lost. more lost than i already am.
me: what looks good on me here?
Jen: that gold sparkle dress.
me: i'm not gay but i'm going to a Broadway show so i need to be wearing a dress, you know? are we going to Hamilton? i've never been to Hamilton.
Jen: HELL no, we're going to Broadway Beetlejuice of course. are you dressing up for Halloween?
me: no, my life is scary enough as it is.
Jen: have you completely forgotten what it's like to have fun in life? my costume this year will be Tommy the Green Power Ranger, he's my hero. as a tribute to Jason David Frank. though on me it's gonna be somewhat silly.
me: simpler times.
Jen: remember that one Power Rangers special that occured on a Wednesday? Tommy hadn't been seen for 10 years, but he was gonna show up in a guest role here to open up the next season. it was the 15th anniversary or something. Emma Lahana was in it. it just burrowed into my deep well of soft nostalgic warmth.
Emma Lahana: the last time i really worked.
Raul De Molina: i'm the Spanish Regis Philbin...
Andy Warhol has been invited to speak at the Heritage Club.
Andy Warhol: you know that thing when you first crack open a new can of soup? the salange, that long yellow line of savory seasoning, the soup sea cucumber, i eat just that and don't bother cooking the cold watery noodles. thanks guys, thanks for listening. the Heritage has really become my third place, you now? i'm enjoying these steaks you serve here, with the crisscross of char even though they're ice-cold and raw, just the way i like 'em. the McDonald's in Queens, they know me there, they don't do meat like this, you know? not a decent dupe. i'm off to my interview for Musee Magazine in The Village. i'm doing the interview on an Apple Macintosh 128K computer, that thing is ALMOST as cute as me. that computer should NEVER become a mass-produced assembly-line monster, it's an original.
the OMC guy: i would have lived if i had done the music for Power Rangers...
a couple of the Power Rangers: not necessarily...
the OMC guy: how bizarre how bizarre. not life, life is very straightforward.
Spalding Gray enters the McDonald's in Staten Island and starts to kick a soccer ball around the place. the ball hits all three walls.
Spalding Gray: wanna see my sketches? they're not Crumby. i'll be discussing the last of Swimming to Cambodia here. McDonald's maitre d', corner booth.
Spalding Gray: don't look at the rushes, unless they're of Tom Cruise. Buddha was a woman. a woman named Marilyn Monroe. the best part of my little monologue was the Laurie Anderson music.
Marilyn Monroe: i was the Buddha babe...
Spalding Gray: i got an idea for the scene. pay me the $30,000 now, let's not do the scene here, and i'll redub it in New York. it'll be like an anime without the crickets...
Spalding Gray: i mean a tuktuk is fine but it's impossible to get a normal Greyhound bus ride in the world anymore. orangeade is if Tang was purple drank. orange drank. there was nothing on the beach: no flotsam, no jetsam, no Jetsons.
Spalding Gray: it's kinda funny how i joke about what ends up being my actual end?...
Jen R: riptides. it wasn't drowning, it was riptides. easy solution, don't get in the water.
Spalding Gray: you can only understand God when you're bobbing up and down a GIANT WAVE in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight.
Fuerza: that's scary. i'm the perceiver AND the perceived...
Athel: is there a cooler name than Athel?
Oldcorn: not as cool as Oldcorn.
Athel: what's it like coming from Jerusalem, Rhode Island?
Spalding: i don't know if i see Jesus or i'm hallucinating...
Spalding Gray: i know what killed Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn Monroe: i wanted my perfect moment.
Abbot Butt: after the WEIGHT comes the WAIT...
Pati Jinich: worse than a dead avocado pit is a hairy avocado.
Jane Castor: and you thought gilfs were a thing of the past...
Jane Castor's girlfriend: Gulf gilf.
Jane Castor: i make castor oil. in my body. i cast my Castor net to find a mate.
Jane Castor: i didn't take any of that cocaine i found fishing. i'm old enough to remember Scarface, don't eat the profits...
Trinity: when you put in the new kitty litter in my box, it's like when you crack open a new tub of Parkay butter, that one ocean wave of butter CRESTING in the center.
Mary Poppins: a spoonful of sugar helps the margarine medicine go down.
Shirley Valentine's adult daughter: see, mum? see what Poppins is on about? sugar helps medicine and cocoa.
Shirley Valentine: wown?
Dirg: girl, i'm always available.........for you...
i'm at the Safeway coin machine with dad's lucky penny.
dad: it's a coin machine not a con machine. the penny is processed, the luck has landed, the equilibrium is exchanged.
Skylar: i wanted it to be a cone machine...
microwave: it's a sauna in here. i could light a cigarette without a flame in this hotbox.
Trinity the cat: it takes a couple days to cut my nails...
Melissa Maker is in Times Square.
Melissa Maker: it was so great to triumphantly return to The Keg steakhouse where i used to work as a hapless dish bitch as the Martha Stewart of Canada i am now and order the expensive char steak i used to dread schlepping. and some Caesar sliders.
Sliders: the sci-fi show, not the tiny cheating burgers.
Jerry Seinfeld at Monk's Cafe: we tried to do a Seinfeld on the High Holidays but NBC didn't want it about weed...
Le Corbusier: i did all those Storybook International thatch roofs...
Banjo Man: Oakland Coliseum, rip out the seats and take them with you!!!
Le Corbusier: now THAT is Brutalism.
Kevin Conroy: Batman: The Animated Series was Brutalist architecture and brutal romance.
Banjo Man: sad history, the Oakland A's. fathers and sons. no more fathers and sons...
Rickey Henderson: i stand before you this afternoon.........the greatest of all time. i am the fiercest gladiator who ever did baseball battle here in this arena, Oakland Cathedral.
Banjo Man: it's like that BIG-ASS bottle of calcium pills. you try to take it out of the pantry and the bottle is SO TALL it gets stuck on the roof of the pantry...
the Boy Meets World Reunion is meeting in the Chrysler Building.
Ben Savage: i support Maitland Ward's porn career.
Maitland Ward: i mean, your name...
River Phoenix: My Own Private Idaho is Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure but serious...
Maggie Smith: they called me an undeniable dish.
Nigella Lawson: will you stop with all that, you little bitch? i'm sick of your sass. i'm the dish around here. the double dish. quit your whinging, you batty bitty.
Maggie: at least call me a daft lass or i hit you with my hat.
Nigella: i once served Downton Abbey my dog's dinner. i can be a real bitch. there is no magic in this world except my spaghetti.
Bobby Driscoll gets up on a ledge in Brooklyn.
Bobby Driscoll: look at all those iron-bar balconies below, so West Side Story. the toothbrush really STICKS to your teeth. I'M GONNA FLY LIKE PETER PAN!!!
as he jumps, he sees himself in the future.
Bobby: yeah, you see me up high like this in the sky. i'm demonstrating the player in the beach trunks and bare feet and no shirt, hot sand between his toes, he rises up, jumps up, flips over and with his foot hits the soccer ball over the volleyball net.........cool wind breeze of the sea.........seagulls.........i invent footvolley...
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