in the Kraft Hour Theater studio in Burbank, Bobby Driscoll is finishing up his 70th Peter Pan television show.
Bobby Driscoll: i like Peter Pan, but i'm outgrowing the role. i'm not a kid anymore.
director: how old are you, son?
Bobby: i'm 18.
director: the time just flew by. where's your dad?
Sharon Tate: a baby born in Huntington, NY, is not the end of the world...
Jen R and i are at Berkeley.
Jen R: picture this: our homework is done and the night is still young. crisp autumn chilly first night of Fall. it's Saturday night and the feeling's right. we take a late-night pedicab three-wheeler to San Francisco and that new jazz club that just opened up on the bridge. there we take in Del the Funky Homosapien's spitting his free verse all night long.
me: are you trying to seduce me?
Jen: with the indie hip-hop poetry?
me: with the cold. will there be Thai stick there?
Jen: i'm assuming.
Heathcliff: i mean i don't really sound like Heathcliff, i really just sound like Bugs Bunny...
Cleo from Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats: look at me, i'm wearing leg warmers, i will forever be of the '80s, i will only live in 1984 and 1985, isn't that wonderful?
in the theatre opposite the studio, across the Burbank paved twin-road, Spalding Gray is delivering his Swimming to Cambodia monologue to a bunch of college potheads who don't want to be there.
Spalding Gray: sanuk was Thailand's Family Ties...
Spalding Gray: sanuk was when your father was trying to tell you about I Ching but you weren't listening...
LIVE!!! from the lobby of the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles, the Oscars!!! the Academy Awards, whatever, the floor show. here to present a special award, college senior from a Methodist school in Montana? am i reading the card right? looking spiffy in his new orange pilly A&W varsity letterman sweater, Andy Warhol.
it was love at first sight for Bobby Driscoll when it came to Andy Warhol. the young man enchanted on the up-and-coming artist's vibe. Bobby's stars in his eyes were crushed by Andy's balls which were planets.
Andy Warhol: so here's your Honorary Oscar. i guess. this is a shit prize that signifies nothing but whatever, take it.
Bobby Driscoll: you're my hero, sir. i don't understand your art but i'm a fan of your freedom.
Andy: do you like being Peter Pan?
Bobby: no. i hate the rat race of being a child actor.
Andy: don't worry, kid, it won't last long.
Bobby: i want OUT. i want to do something meaningful as an adult.
Andy: don't flame out, be a flamer like me. Peter Pan is a sissy, i hate him.
Steejo: you're not religious?
Suzy Lu: what gave it away? my church wedding that was really a Final Fantasy wedding?...
Lauren Bacall: put your lips together and blow.........on your hot cup of coffee...
me: i'm having anticipatory dreams.
Jen R: me too.
me: like i'm seeing the Kardashians and Kim throws water in the mom's face to shut her up.
Kim Kardashian: we're not THAT type of reality family. we're not trash. we have class.
Jen R: in my dream i'm already seeing the new cast of Saturday Night Live Season 50. that one girl who's always contemptuous of young pop starlets. like her deal is in all her skits she hates Olivia Rodrigo for no reason. her trademark is the folding of her arms in a huff.
Trust the Climb: not at The M Den...
Ned: but maybe at Ned's Bookstore...
Kaiser Permanente: i guarantee you our nurses do not give a FUCK about what show you're binging...
Gaza/Israel: why can't this just be about city planning and not religion?...
Thundarr the Barbarian.
Ariel: i'm the companion who loved Earth so much i studied it for fun. i wish i could go back to the '80s...
Ariel: i'm an insanely impressive person. but Thundarr is too ragey to notice.
Ookla: Ookla notice Ariel's smarts...
Laertus at The Treehouse: i don't mind having our recycle box be an empty box of Depend undergarments...
Andy Warhol at Costco: how do you OPEN this damn thing?!!!
Costco soup: the container is patent pending...
Spalding Gray: Julian Sands and i are brothers. biologically.
Julian Sands: we're the last two straight men in New York City.
Spalding: sorry about how you ended.
Julian: sorry about how YOU ended.
Aunt Cork: no, Spalding, there are no Santa Cruz rollercoasters.
Uncle Russ: the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is trash.
Spalding: i'm sticking to that good Northern California marijuana.
Anthony Bourdain: i'm Spalding Gray with the travel stories but with none of the humor...
Maila Nurmi: i thrive best as a morning-talk-show guest...
D'arcy: how on EARTH did you not take any drugs or drink this whole time?!!! how are you still here? how are you still standing? tall. how are you surviving?
Billy Corgan: just doing the songs is enough for me. to get me by. to sustain me. to heal me.
Jimmy Chamberlin: bullshit.
James Iha: you've GOT to be drinking something.
Billy: Irish Breakfast tea.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: pleasure to meet you, sir.
Will Lyman: holy shit.
Mary: you are a legend, your baritone voice is better than mine.
Will: but my voice isn't sexy, it's scary.
Steve Blum: can i shake your hand, sir?
Will: two waters, waiter. water for the lady?
Steve: how do you achieve your resonant voice?
Will: lye, man.
Dirg: there's nothing i can hold onto here.
Mardith: are you looking at a model's tits on Instagram again?
Dirg: intellectually.
Mardith: sure.
Maila Nurmi: i dedicate Plan 9 from Outer Space to you.
James Dean: that doesn't make me feel better...
Hammered Cream: Batman as a porn star...
calcium pills: fun to take.
Todd Eldredge: i choke at the Olympics and i choke as Peter Pan...
Bobby Driscoll: you're my understudy?
J.D. Souther: never smile on album covers, you don't want strangers approaching you.
Spinal Tap: ...
Kurt Cobain: is there ANY album cover where the band is smiling?...
Jen R: Brooklyn Supreme.
me: the pizza?
Jen: the horse.
Fermat: she's got the greatest breasts i've ever seen, you know? her boobs are a mathematical vibration. she solved me and her tits are fucking WATERY.
Leslie Sbrocco: Calistoga is a drunk name. tipple is peanut brittle. Old Faithful geyser, i wish people had been faithful to me. mud pillows was my last successful honeymoon. volcano wine is my huckleberry. here's volcanic mud in your eye, sipper skipper. did you know that all the bedrock in The Flintstones was cocaine?
Leslie Sbrocco: hey buck, if you live in California, don't wear a cowboy hat, it's weird.
Leslie Sbrocco: yeah i'm Jean Harlow. Dinner at Eight, wine o'clock, i did the pairing..
Skylar at Safeway: why can't everyone be cashiers? it's math and you save your back. let robocops do the heavy lifting of moving heavy crates of wood in the back.
probiotic: not prediabetic...
fog: Filet-O-Fish mist.
Alan Watts: i won the Nobel Prize so i must be right.
Dr. Robbins: did you win the Nobel Prize?
Alan: i mean i think i did. yeah, i did, right?
Humphrey Bogart: you want morbs? "As Time Goes By," THAT song is morbs. Moroccan morbs.
Judi Dench: we can't have British morbs, stiff upper lip.
Lily Collins: yeah i didn't know they were Phil Collins songs, they were just my memories of lullabies from the womb...
Mike Tyson: and then you started having visions of me...
Bobby Driscoll: um, Mr. Warhol?
Andy Warhol: Mr. Warhol was my father. we didn't get along.
Bobby: aren't Oscars for movies?
Andy: don't sass me, boy!!! it's for that television movie of Peter Pan you did or some shit, right? that wrapped up Season 3?
Bobby: i don't remember.
Andy: don't shy away from the darkness of life. leave all this Hollywood artifice behind and come to New York with me to do real art.
Bobby: um, YES?!!! wow. it sure was lucky you happened to be my Oscar presenter. i never dreamed it'd be like this. got anything for the pain?
Andy hands Bobby two Vanquish pills.
Andy: my white wonders. they cure ALL pain. well all physical pain. mental pain is still tricky to conquer.
Bobby was enthralled. for the first time in his life an adult wasn't bullshitting him about life.
Andy: well how about that, you're the reverse Holden Caulfield, you little bitch.
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