the travellers reach India. and Lake Palace.
dad: this is the most beautiful grandest ornatest most bombastic angelic spiritual erudite edifice there has ever been.
Alan Watts: but how are we to reach it? it's a palace of permission, an island of indecision, surrounded on all four sides by the lake. we need water taxis but they cost a bundle. you have to know what color coin to give the ferryman, it's all very hush-hush.
dad: it's fine, you just have to eat dinner for breakfast, that is the enlightened way, that will give you the time necessary to meditate and think about it.
after a trip around the lake for a year, the two make it to the dry land of Lake Palace.
Alan: do you think there's a buried pirate treasure chest in the lake?
dad: nah, too cliche, not Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves enough.
Alan: i'm gonna ask the ferryman if i can park our double-decker bus on the palace roof.
ferryman: is this the same Bird Bus i tugged across the lake for a year?...
dad: forgive my friend, this has nothing to do with colonization.
Charley Hull: think about it, of course i'm John Daly's daughter. i smoke cigarettes on golf courses when it's not advised. and John Daly DID have an affinity for the British Open...
The Pope: i'm voting for Kamala. women unite. the night of the election is Women's Night!!!
Laura in Rock Odyssey: i marry Sylvester Stallone? why does the moon always have to be melty ice cream?
Billy Corgan: right?
Laura: no i didn't need a death to renew my lust for life. i only needed one love of my life. i don't care if the new guy is Robert Redford as the Gorton Fisherman with his sea pals the lobster and bird from The Little Mermaid.
Owen Dennis, creator of Infinity Train: do you know how you avoid lost media? put it on VHS...
Laura: and i mean what if we're in Greenpeace together and he likes tuna?...
Laura: i'm not wearing the Titanic raincoat, it's bad luck. then again so was wearing my high-school sweetheart's varsity jacket....
Maria Muldaur: i'm the hot hippie chick, Fox Mulder's lost sister, not the woman in the Camel cigarettes ad...
seagull: here, Laura, take a swig of this bottle. alcohol solves all your problems.
Walt Disney: this is what all Disney movies are really trying to say.
Laura: the YWCA hits different. it's not like the YMCA, it's more collegial...
Billy Joel: the first time you heard my music was at the YMCA...
Gabe Kotter: i'm in Rock Odyssey? no way, i would never be a part of corporate America.
Laura: this '80s supercomputer is giving me Incredible Mr. Limpet vibes. i just want Burt Reynolds to tell me he's still alive in his living room.
Laura: and my Combo Man at the end is Jem if he was a man!!! my eternal love in the stars!!!
Jazz from Transformers: ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages!!! i transform into a jukebox!!!
Scatman Crothers: you know when you're watching Rock Odyssey and you're living through all the eras again: the '50s, the '60s, the '70s, the '80s, all the music and wars and draft-card death certificates, getting kicked out of the country, getting dumped at your prom and dunked at a wharf by a fisherman, you start to get the morbs. the morbs are that feeling you get deep inside you that you've wasted your whole life. i did it all for Van Nuys!!!
Alan Watts: this palace has 100 empty rooms. which one first?
the first room has Keanu Reeves in it.
Alan: Keanu!!! my little Buddha!!! can i call you Goddy?
Keanu: huh, that's a really cool name, thank you.
Alan: so? what are the answers?
Keanu: eat a pound of greasy bacon for a year then get back to me. don't touch the cows around here.
Alan: bacon doesn't come from cows?
dad: i'll just be here until you're done.
the next room is the locked door to Club 33.
Alan: what's in there? i've always wanted to know.
Mickey Mouse: no entrance for riffraff.
Alan Watts: look at my face, i'm Walt Disney with long shaggy hair!!!
Mickey Mouse: *heavy sigh* fine.
inside is the real Banksy. and the real Mr. Brainwash but nobody cares about Mr. Brainwash.
Benoy in a palace room: stop asking me what my name means. all names mean "generous."
Maynard James Keenan in another room: acupuncture is very Tool.
Alan Watts: i'm afraid you won't have much use for me, MJK, you like more hard-edged comedians.
Keanu: let your mind drift for a year then get back to me.
Alan Watts: where do you go for that year of my drift?
Keanu: my family.
Alan: you have a family? people don't really know you at all...
Keanu: yeah of course, i mean of course i have a family. i'll leave it at that. how do you drift?
Alan: i watch a random non-Christmas episode of Thundarr the Barbarian.
suddenly Alan Watts is talking to Kurt Cobain in another room of the palace.
Kurt Cobain: the world ended in 1994 on Thundarr the Barbarian. it kinda ended for Earth, too, after i died there was nothing else that really mattered after that.
Thundarr the Barbarian: i'm He-Man but with an even GOOFIER haircut.
Ariel: where exactly does this Conan the Barbarian in the Year 3000 world of ours take place?
Ookla: South Dakota...
Alan Watts: i know what i have to do here. i baked you some chimichangas in my pressure cooker.
Keanu: thank you. they are delicious.
Alan: that's it, sir? Mr. Neo. Neo the New God. Neo, are you named after a car?
Keanu: what's it? you know i've never had chimichangas before, these chimichangas are blowing my mind right now.
Alan: i mean you would think Keanu Reeves eats chimichangas, you know?
Olivia Gadecki: i'm the Australian Sharapova.
Maria Sharapova: not in the face.
sodade: when you're missing your Coke with your Oreo but you don't know why...
Super Mario: you know what REALLY messes up the recycling machines? an avocado stone.
Finland: all we do is win.........Davis Cup...
Jacques Pepin: when you're doing poundcake for Claudine it has to look like filet mignon...
Lucille Ball: yeah i heard the Japanese spy code through my teeth. thank God i married a dentist instead of a bongo man. in exchange i gave the Japanese people my recipe for chocolate. you know? Japanese chocolate just isn't a thing. all the Japanese people are my beloved friends, they think i'm anime. and i put my grape-wine recipe in Goku's mouth. Japanese wine?
Goku: our Japanese wine is called sake...
Salvador Dali: when i'm normal i look like Robert De Niro...
Trinity: i'm a cat who enjoys sniffing tea boxes.........but only when i'm in a box...
Keir Dullea: Polaris Dawn? you rocket jockeys have NO FUCKING IDEA what's out there...
Keir Dullea: do NOT filter all the nitrogen out of my blood, i need that stuff to make sure i'm not hallucinating.
woman on bridge: i was livin' on a prayer. and then my prayer was answered, Jon Bon Jovi came to rescue me!!! do you know any country songs?
Jon Bon Jovi: no. but i look like Jesus.
Alex P. Keaton: i just want to be a quant bro.
Shannon Sharpe: see the thing is Club Shay Shay is meant to be an intimate forum where two people can really TALK. not THAT intimate. a soft setting with soda water. i am truly sorry my 900 billion followers all heard me having rough sex, i humbly ask for your forgiveness. you know that Instagram Live thing is dangerous...
Stephen A. Smith: Shannon was just rehearsing a scene for General Hospital, y'all.
Florence Foster Jenkins: you're tearing me apart, Lisa!!! oh hai, Mark, want to hit the football with me?
Florence Foster Jenkins: so we're practicing at the Grey Gardens stairs?...
Mike McDaniel: i'm not your coach, i'm your teammate.
Mike McDaniel: i don't mind kissing in the NFL.
Transformers: don't worry, the cartoon will always come in after and clean up the mess of the live-action movie...
Super Mario: when it comes to my trash trucks, my recycle trucks, NO NOTES is what you're looking for, NO NOTES is what you want, NO NOTES like an adult-cartoon production company analyzing the latest risque submission from college...
Gary Kroeger: being a docent at your local museum, that is what we all want. my grandkids...
me: let me stop you right there, grandkids is a pipe dream.
dad: i wanted to work at Taco Bell but they wouldn't let me.
Gary: i'm not being decadent, i need this job...
Grimace: new owner, new benefits, new attitude. the Cedar Rapids McDonald's can't compete with you guys. gimme a smoothie. a purple smoothie...
Winston Smith wearing a fast-drink visor at the drive-thru window: people are watching everything you do, act accordingly...
Boc: i'm RUNNING through the intersection, but then i have to walk because someone is walking through this same intersection from the other side...
Alan Watts: like my new bandana and two earrings one earring in each ear?
dad: very Stevie Nicks.
Keanu: yeah, i was gonna say very Rhoda but same difference.
Alan: i'm doing a one-man Pirates of Dark Water celebration to try to keep WCO a viable website. it's harder to make a sand mandala at the beach than you think...
Alan Watts: why are all these rooms empty? why is this palace of prayer abandoned?
Keanu: so you want to be a hippie.
Alan: yes. at least for a year. how'd you know?
Keanu: well the next best thing to being a hippie is being an actor. Storybook International films here all the time, they've used Lake Palace for all 13 of their "East" episodes.
Queen "Rock It (Prime Jive)": the song you hear as you ascend into Heaven...
No comments:
Post a Comment