LOVE HAUL: THE MONK WHO MARRIED

 

we continue down the low highway up the straight mountain paths in The Liver Birds double-decker bus to the mountain cabin where Cloris and Botic raised their beautiful family.

Jen R: this is starting to look like that music video for The Beat "Mirror in the Bathroom."

Jean-Michel Basquiat: i was in that band.........at least for that one video...

lead singer of The Beat: i'm the only musician who plays that weird pear-shaped guitar...

we get to the cabin swallowed by a cave nook in a mountain lake. the high air here is Jungian-brown leaves and pumpkins which have turned into grapes.

Billy Corgan: i never experienced pumpkins as a child, my parents never had Halloween pumpkins, my family only had neighbors who had putrid pumpkins. we stole a lot. 

me: you have a lovely home. it's so warm here with the cool breeze. homey. comfy.

Cloris: pretend you lived here for the last 30 years, it's an exciting thing to do up here where no one can judge you.

me: i don't dream anymore.

Jen: you'll dream again...

i enter their woodsy shower inside for a long-awaited wash.

Jen: what's it been, three years?

me: since i had sex?

Jen: water touching your skin.

me: you know for us guys, it's always very enticing taking a shower, washing the body from head to toe in anticipation of having sex.

Jen: but for you just showering is an accomplishment.

me: it's true. it's nice to feel clean...

Alan Watts: while i'm here i might as well sample this odd old couple's stash. orange coffee? yes please. i've switched to Splenda Stevia, the shifting of the sifting of the sugar. i might as well go wild while i'm free here, i won't be free anywhere else. i suppose i have to disassemble and reassemble the parts of a motorcycle or something? i need to go Full Zen...

Botic: i can help you with your emails up here, Mr. Wattage.

me: i live in the present only when i'm with you.

Jen, blushing: that's actually genuinely sweet. thank you. speaking of, want some raisin bran?

me: Raisin Bran with the sugar raisins?

Alan Watts: Splenda raisins for me.

Jen: now i'm thinking of my exes...

me: what's the secret of your lifelong love?

Cloris: my husband Botic and i have never ONCE hugged each other ass-out.

me: there's so much to learn from you. and only a week to do it.

Cloris: nonsense. come to the cabin anytime.

me: yeah you're right, it's not like i have a job or schedule or plans or anything. i have no life, i need one. how do you live?

Cloris: weeeeell, first of all.........take a step back. not off the mountain. combine your two favorite things. i did, i live as a monk but i had a family.

Frances Tiafoe: want to lie down on this massage table?

Emma Raducanu: come on, dude, that's a lame line.

Frances Tiafoe: no, i'm showing you my inspiring rags-to-riches story...

grandpa: remember the good ol' days in the '80s when you didn't have to eat vanilla ice cream plain? i could splooge Hershey's Chocolate Syrup all over it.

Suzy Lu: i'm not religious.

Steejo: then why did i shave my head and wear this robe, woman?

Suzy Lu: i mean i watch anime for a living, you know? you can't really be religious and watch anime...

Gladyce at The Treehouse: if there's no room for a cup or glass or stoneware mug in the top shelf of the dishwasher, put it in the bottom shelf of the dishwasher...

Dr. Robbins: get help.

me: that's why i'm here.

Dr. Robbins: no, we're locked in this room, i lost my key, call a locksmith...

Dr. Robbins: my psychiatrist office is all cute and tiny and hidden in the forest...

Conan Edogawa: you called for a locksmith?...

Nick Kyrgios: why do i get to interview you?

Mike Tyson: because you got a weird voice, little man.

Nick Kyrgios: what is your accent, Mike Tyson?

Bjork: Mike Tyson has a soft voice like me...

me: i'm here to collect my disability.

DMV minder: are you disabled?

me: i'm a normal person made disabled by grief.

David Bowie: if you're going through grief, let's dance, experience the extraordinary medicine of dancing to a song, something meant to be sung...

me at a corner pizza joint: i need to use your bathroom. i PROMISE to buy something LATER...

Mean Ms. Frizzle: ...

me: okay i'm  ready.........i mean but why are your boneless chicken wings $50 tho?...

Violetta Laze on Instagram: tons and tons and tons and tons of bikini pics but really i just want to fucking finally find a man and get back to my acting, you know?...

Limahl: the NeverEnding Story theme song music video, we had no budget, no drumsticks, so the guy had to pound on the electric drums with his fist.

drummer: i invented Vaporwave...

Miley Cyrus: look, man, i'll show you around, Tennessee isn't all like that. stop bringing your bag of pills to a nice restaurant. 

me: i just wanted to be your friend. because you looked hot on your Instagram. enzymes aren't pills. please don't send me lowtox information in my Instagram DMs...

Yves Saint Laurent: or Andy Warhol's doppelganger...

Maduro: i know pirates.........i watched every episode of The Pirates of Dark Water as a kid in Venezuela...

Ellen DeGeneres: i could have saved more lives if i was given a gazebo for my wedding...

Howie Long: tiny house movement? when i was growing up i was told to eat Jughead sandwiches: 8 sandwiches piled high in a totem pole. and 8 glasses of milk a day...

NASA: the strange noises coming from the Starliner are the next season of Stranger Things...

Theoren Fleury: Ghostbusters?...

John Belushi: my song? The Beat "Mirror in the Bathroom..."

The Beat: it's not about a knee mirror...

Taylor Fritz: the day after i win the U.S. Open i'm immediately retiring and becoming an actor...

San Francisco: where the bridge looks like a roller coaster...

Ireland: home of the skinny castle...

hayrides at the pumpkin patch: it's not Fall. it's not Autumn. call it Harvest from now or no apple cider. no regular yellow popcorn, just that caramel corn that destroys your teeth.

Chrissie Evert: the camera only pans up to the tennis player's box when the tennis player is in trouble...

General Hospital: the only time you've ever liked Upstate New York...

Mercenary Tao from Dragon Ball: my voice is Mr. Feeny...

Storybook International: it's not a true map unless it has a mermaid in the ocean...

St. Cyril's: church in the 1980s was different, there were no video monitors on the altar...

Cliff Drysdale: how did i win so much on the tour? i never hit a tennis shot, i KNIFED all my tennis shots...

Cliff Drysdale: don't call me Cliffy, i'm not cutesy like that, yeah? it's all fun and cute games until he falls off a cliff... 

Cliff Drysdale: tennis had so much more grandeur back in those days when i played, sports played in cream vests and cigarettes: tennis when the Davis Cup still mattered, downhill skiing in Malta, rowing at Cambridge, you know, the Archer sports...

Seth MacFarlane: i needed to take a second job after Family Guy is 4 episodes a season now. so i'm Grigor Dimitrov's coach...

The Twilight Zone "The Cold Equations": the girl could have been saved if the spaceship was electric, no fuel required...

Fermat's Last Theorem: your whole life you thought it was FerMOTT.

Dirg: when there's a new girl on Instagram i like each of her pics except the ones with her husband.

Laertus: that's lame.

Julia Ioffe: the problem is you can't tell anymore whether someone on Instagram is a genuine warm caring person with a cause or a troll...

Mardith: single men setting up their Instagram do not fare well...

calendar: do you leave the square with today's day BLANK during that day or with a X in the box before the day starts?...

Molly Qerim is fucking Mad Dog Russo in the woods.

Molly Qerim: the ironic thing is you don't like doing it doggystyle.

Mad Dog Russo: ohhh heavens to betsy, i'm getting a headache thinking about how i'm gonna tell my wife.

Molly Qerim: the more pressing matter is how we're gonna tell Stephen A. Smith...

Botic: you like where we parked the Bird Bus?

Jen: it blends right into the environment.

Botic: we park the double-decker bus on the roof. limestone roof...

Cloris: the Bird Bus doesn't run on fuel, electric, or a hybrid of those two. it runs on love. our love. the love the two of us have for one another. we took the hippie concept of love and made it science.